Slayer

The #1 thing that gets me back to drinking is when I have memories of all the stupid things I have done drunk. How do you guys deal with those cringe memories of stupid drunk behavior you had? The only way I can seem to deal with it is to get drunk again so that I don't care. Some of the things I can laugh at, but some things I have done are incredibly hard to deal with.

yeahgr8

Yup i did this for years...couldnt live with myself at all...went to AA, did the work that was suggested so i could learn to deal with these sort of things and voila hehe hope you find some peace for yourself!

Dee74

Hi slayer

I did that for about 20 years - eventually the 'cure' came to dwarf the things I was trying to forget.

It made some kind of sense at the time, I guess, but from this side of the fence I see how insane it is to try and forget the guilt shame and embarrassment of drinking...by drinking.

I found the only way out of the spiral was to stop feeding the monster - I made a decision - I stopped drinking and I got as much help as I needed to stay that way

D

thisisme

I stopped looking back, I'm not going that way.

Mark75

That, Slayer, is the insanity of alcoholism. You know that though.

Well, How do I deal with it? Mostly I clean up what I can, you know, make amends.... Then I just let the other stuff go, shame is not useful. And continue to move forward and be thankful I don't make new memories that have that cringe factor.

12 steps... they are one answer to your condition. It works for me.

Mark

keithj

That may be true for you, Slayer. The #1 thing that kept me returning to drink was that I was powerless over alcohol. I operated under the delusion for many years that there was some good reason why I drank. I thought I was bored, or angry, or happy, or remorseful, or full of regret, or full of self-pity. While those things may have been true to some extent, the real reason was that I lacked the power to not drink. That was my dilemma.

I found that taking the 12 steps provided me with a very precise way of dealing with past regrets and behaviors. I listed them all on paper in regards to my resentment, fear, and relationships. I saw my reliance on self, my obsession with self, and the results it produced.

Today, just like the AA Big Book promises, some of my worst deeds and most shameful acts have become my greatest asset in helping another sufering alcoholic.

bugsworth

Slayer...I think so many of us can identify with you. I still cringe when I think about some of the things that transpired while under the influence. The important thing is to not add anymore to your already full plate. Towards the end of my drinking the burden seemed to be more than I could carry...In sobriety I have learned to lay down those things I can't change..I put them away. I hope that I will never forget some of these events cause if I do I might not remember why I quit in the first place. You can walk free of the chains that keep you bound...it takes time and patience. You hold the keys to your own cell...open the door and walk free...it is possible. Be kind to yourself today and remember why you quit.

mmeat

So simple, yet so true. I like this

Bob23

But I'm sure you noticed that's flawed logic. You're caught in a vicious loop, Slayer. Once I realized I couldn't change, or 'take back', some of the awful things I did while drunk, I was able to put an end to that cycle. What's done is done, and the sooner you accept that the better. Have you got a plan of action to get sober?

Stereosteveo

To this day it's still amazing to me how simple and effective the recovery process is:

-Accepting that I can't, maybe something can.
-Putting the facts on paper in black and white and finding my part in them.
-Discussing it with someone.
-Admitting my faults to my self, another person, and God.
-Asking for those things to be removed.
-Making amends where necessary.

I thought it sounded silly and I could just do it in my head.

Today I don't have to focus uncontrollably on all this garbage.

I don't HAVE to drink anymore.

Here's a great detailed tutorial on how you can do it too:
Joe And Charlie Big Book Adventure

soberinwpg

The guilt and shame kept me stuck for a long time. I learned that I had to accept that the person who did those things under the influence was not me. The real me when sober doesn't do such things. It's a bit of acceptance. I KNOW for a fact that if I can stay away from the booze/drugs that the painful memories will fade in time and the real me will create wonderful new memories.
It gets better with time.
Just remember that wasn't you. That was the booze. The booze made me a freaking idiot 9/10.

CarolD

Some post have been removed as they were in violation of

Zencat

Remembering some of my past indiscretions is a powerful motivator for me to remain in active alcoholism treatment. Other than that I let go of the past and carry on with my treatment so as to not repeat the past.

Slayer

I wish I could believe that excuse. What is the saying... "a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts." To an extent I realize that it WAS ME doing those shameful things. That's what bugs me the most. Obviously I wouldn't have done some of the stuff sober, but I was the one who drank and I was the one who did it. I hate the person I have become because of it.

Dee74

I used to believe that too - the truth comes out in the drunk.
It suited me to believe that, because really it was another deep seated rationalisation to drink.

'I'm no good, may as well drink - who cares?'

Alcoholism is an addiction, not a character flaw IMO.

I haven't drunk for nearly 3 years - I'm not anything like I used to be
D

basIam

I came to the realization that, without help, I was incapable of processing the events of my life in a non-fatal manner. All my life people had been telling me such things as "learn to let go 'of things you can't change. . . put them away'", "You are in charge of your destiny, '... open the door and walk free!'", and "play the tape through and "remember why you quit"' Unfortunately, these light and shallow suggestions never followed with a course of action.

I didn't know how to change. I didnt know how to let go. I didn't know where or how to "find the key" to my "cell." The more I tried to remember how bad it got, the more I dwelt in how bad I had screwed up. And as I said, I lacked the ability (syn. power) to process the events of my life in a non-fatal manner. The more I tried, the more miserable I became, and eventually I would say, "If I'm going to be miserable, I might as well drink!"

I needed something with a more depth and weight! I was desperate. . . my only options were drinking or suicide. Not much of a choice, because for me, they are one and the same.

So what to do??? I kept going to AA meetings. . . for a while that worked. . . but after a good while of hearing "Keep coming back, it gets better!!!" from the apparently insincerely smiling mouths of people in the rooms, I felt like standing up and screaming "WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?! I've been coming here for ten years and its definitely NOT getting better!!!"

I was leaving the last meeting of the weekend, I had been to at least 10 meetings in the past 2 days. I knew I was going down town to do what I do best. . .

This guy, who I had known for the 10 years I had been bouncing in and out asked me the million dollar question . . . "Bas", he said, "how are you?"

I hated when he asked my this. . . he always asked it the same way. . . "Bas, how arrrrrrre you?"

I knew that he knew before he asked.
I knew he could see right through me.
It made me uncomfortable.
It always put me on guard.

I did not want him, or anyone else, to know how truly tormented I was. I wanted everyone to think "Bas can 'find the key'! Bas can 'put things behind him'! Bas can "remember why he quit'!" The last thing I wanted anyone to think was that I was less than capable of anything. That's why when anyone asked me "How are you?" I always responded with "Good!"

This time, I told the truth. . . "I'm losing it, Eddie! I've been to 10 meetings this weekend! Why am I about to go downtown and shoot dope?"

His response: "Well, you just might be an alcoholic!"

"Bah! I'm not an alcoholic! I'm a drug addict!"

Without delay, he shot back "You probably have no clue what the word 'alcoholic' means!"

"That may be," I conceded, "but in any case, will you please come and have coffee with me. . . I am losing my mind!"

I guess this was the first time in 10 years that I sincerely asked someone else for help, and probably, it was the first time in 10 years I was willing to admit complete defeat. "When the student is ready, the teacher shaill appear" ( does my saying that make me a buddhist??? sorry I digress )

Eddie became my sponsor and immediately took me through the steps. Not one a year, not one a month. We took the actions described in the big book. After taking the action described in one sentence, we immediately, without hesitation, took the action described in the next. Within a couple of weeks I was writing my fourth step. . Ok, I admit it, I balked here for a good while. Thank God he didn't "fire" me, but within 3 months, I was beginning amends.

So back to the original question.

The first exercise I was given was to read the "Doctor' Opinion" and ask myself, "Does the doctor's description of the effect of alcohol on an alcoholic, an allergy, apply to me? In other words, do I experience an abnormal reaction when I drink - the phenomenon of craving?

It was then suggested I write three specific occurances where I had made a commitment, but took a drink, experienced the craving, kept drinking and ended up not keeping the commitment. The importance of the commitment is immaterial - it could be as simple as promising my girlfriend I would change the laundry from the washer to the dryer - just that I failed to keep the commitment due to being unable to stop drinking once I started.

Next, it was sugggested I look up the word "obsession" and read "There is a Solution" and "More about Alcoholism" - with the definition I found in mind - and ask myself, does this apply to me? In other words, am I prone to convincing myself that one drink won't hurt? If you stay out of that bar, and don't drink that drink, will you be able to control it? Am I able completely ignore the fact that experience has shown, that at times, despite my best intentions, I am unable to control it?

Again, I was suggested to write about three more specific times I fell prey to this type of thinking. Times I thought things along the line of, "If I just stick to beer, I'll be ok" but still lost control. "If I stay out of that bar, where I know there is coke, I can drink without doing coke" but ended up, once I got started and the phenomenon of craving set in, going to the first bay where I knew there was coke, because once I get started. . I really want to get going!!!

Here is what the immediate result was for me. . . these things stopped eating me up. I didnt have to play the tape all the way through and "remember how bad it was" On the contrary. . . I was able to embrace how bad it was!!!

The things that were killing me got flipped on their head and were now the things that were giving me an incredible life!

MY DISEASE WAS TURNED INTO MEDICINE!!!!

The fact that I was incapable of processing the events of my life in a non-fatal manner became a moot point - I WAS NO LONGER HAVING TO PROCESS THEM.

In "Bill's Story", he first touches on insanity in the following statement:
By taking these actions I was finally able to gain the perspective, unobtainable by mere platitudes such as "remember how bad it got", "just don't drink" and "be good to yourself"

That is my experience.
Those are the actions I took.
I promise, it will work for you, too!

bugsworth

Slayer...I hated the person I became also...I truly understand the depth and weight of your emotions. I think you will find that time does heal all wounds and scars that seem unsightly now eventually just become a part of you. Use this time and these memories as the catalyst for lasting change.