Well, it happened finally!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 88
Well, it happened finally!
I have been reading on this forum about contentious meetings where someone says something someone else disagrees with, there is a lot of passive-aggressive back and forth; till someone leaves. I had not experienced a meeting like this so far, although I have been to some weird meetings and meetings where I wanted to punch the speaker! But nothing where there was actual conflict in the meeting.
I had not had this experience of AA so far. So guess what, my first meeting after my one year sobriety yesterday. I am at a meeting and we had someone who is returning after a relapse. The guy who usually leads the meeting decides that this person will lead the meeting. Today was supposed to be a BIGBOOK meeting. But the guy said to the new person: tell about your story: What happened, what it was like, why you are back. His intention was, this is the most important person: A newcomer (kinda). So anyway she shares what happened, and while doing that breaks down and starts crying. We comfort her, applaud her for her honesty. And after her share, other people start sharing about how it was like before they made the decision to come to AA. And how surrender was the most important thing etc etc. You know the usual support for the newcomer.
Everything going along swimmingly till an oldtimer starts venting about how the meeting has a schedule, and a plan and how we Alcoholics are undisciplined lot and how we need structure and she wanted to hear the BIGBOOK and she is not happy that people were changing the format on her. Then another woman in her share basically called the first woman out for being a nasty, contentious bitch ....and we were off to the races! The first woman gets up and leaves in a huff. After the meeting another guy who was there for the first time starts in on the second woman saying she should not have called out the first woman. This started the whole shebang again. :-)
Man oh Man. Reminds me to put principles over personalities.
I had not had this experience of AA so far. So guess what, my first meeting after my one year sobriety yesterday. I am at a meeting and we had someone who is returning after a relapse. The guy who usually leads the meeting decides that this person will lead the meeting. Today was supposed to be a BIGBOOK meeting. But the guy said to the new person: tell about your story: What happened, what it was like, why you are back. His intention was, this is the most important person: A newcomer (kinda). So anyway she shares what happened, and while doing that breaks down and starts crying. We comfort her, applaud her for her honesty. And after her share, other people start sharing about how it was like before they made the decision to come to AA. And how surrender was the most important thing etc etc. You know the usual support for the newcomer.
Everything going along swimmingly till an oldtimer starts venting about how the meeting has a schedule, and a plan and how we Alcoholics are undisciplined lot and how we need structure and she wanted to hear the BIGBOOK and she is not happy that people were changing the format on her. Then another woman in her share basically called the first woman out for being a nasty, contentious bitch ....and we were off to the races! The first woman gets up and leaves in a huff. After the meeting another guy who was there for the first time starts in on the second woman saying she should not have called out the first woman. This started the whole shebang again. :-)
Man oh Man. Reminds me to put principles over personalities.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Here, EH!!!
Posts: 1,337
I dunno, from the bits I read. Usually the chair will ask to stray from meeting format. Group conscience, every meeting is different. Every area is different. Retreads vs. fresh fish? Cant put one above the other I know that. Yeah I see that, support is good. If everyone knows everyone then so be it. Themes tend to break-out sometimes in a meeting, thats alright. The watered-down AA message doesnt work that great.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by matt4x4 
I dunno, from the bits I read. Usually the chair will ask to stray from meeting format. Group conscience, every meeting is different. Every area is different. Retreads vs. fresh fish? Cant put one above the other I know that. Yeah I see that, support is good. If everyone knows everyone then so be it. Themes tend to break-out sometimes in a meeting, thats alright. The watered-down AA message doesnt work that great.
This one woman had problems with it. I can actually see what her problem was, but the way she was going on looked like she was blaming the newcomer rather than the person who asked her. That touched off all the rest of it. It was just weird for me. After hearing about such meetings from oldtimers, and having never experienced any so far; I was stunned that my first meeting in my 2nd year of sobriety was a brouhaha! :-)
But the important thing is that the newcomer got some numbers to call; a copy of the bigbook and support. That makes up for the dustup, almost!
Friend of Jimmy B
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 667
It probably should have been put to group conscience. There are a couple groups in my neighborhood where GC is it the topic is the first step if someone is attending their first AA meeting.
AA meetings aren't always bastions of mental or spiritual health and sometimes stuff happens. There was an incident years ago at meeting where the chairperson and treasurer got into a brawl and people stepped aover them because it's a small room and seat are at a premium
-allan
AA meetings aren't always bastions of mental or spiritual health and sometimes stuff happens. There was an incident years ago at meeting where the chairperson and treasurer got into a brawl and people stepped aover them because it's a small room and seat are at a premium
-allan
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Well unless it's a speaker meeting in a situation like this, and I'm trying to reread what you wrote if a new person is at the meeting we would have a first step meeting.
Try to remember, we are a sick lot. Often times years of sobriety doesn't change that unfortunately .
I didn't get sober and stay around AA to be a grouchy old timer.
Try to remember, we are a sick lot. Often times years of sobriety doesn't change that unfortunately .
I didn't get sober and stay around AA to be a grouchy old timer.
Friend of Jimmy B
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000
Well unless it's a speaker meeting in a situation like this, and I'm trying to reread what you wrote if a new person is at the meeting we would have a first step meeting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Pa
Posts: 225
Welcome to the best circus on Earth! Yes that's right! AA is the most entertaining thing I have ever experienced. We have alcoholism not alcoholwasm! If you want to see a real mess go to inter-group sometime. Nothing better than a bunch of drunks getting into a peeing contest over AA issues. It is beautiful chaos. It is forever non-professional and unorganized but it always works out perfectly in the end.
Friend of Jimmy B
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000
Well unless it's a speaker meeting in a situation like this, and I'm trying to reread what you wrote if a new person is at the meeting we would have a first step meeting.
Try to remember, we are a sick lot. Often times years of sobriety doesn't change that unfortunately .
I didn't get sober and stay around AA to be a grouchy old timer.
Try to remember, we are a sick lot. Often times years of sobriety doesn't change that unfortunately .
I didn't get sober and stay around AA to be a grouchy old timer.
Time for bed. I have an early start to a long day tomorrow. All good.
-allan
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Completely wrong in my opinion to put someone on the spot who is returning after a long term of sobriety to speak and tell their story. WRONG!!
Just walking in the door is hard enough after a relapse. That chair person was shaming that person returning. It's wrong!
I would never go back to a meeting if I relapsed if someone was going to make me tell what happened, my story? I'll tell you what happened
when I am good and ready.
Just walking in the door is hard enough after a relapse. That chair person was shaming that person returning. It's wrong!
I would never go back to a meeting if I relapsed if someone was going to make me tell what happened, my story? I'll tell you what happened
when I am good and ready.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Originally Posted by deeker
Completely wrong in my opinion to put someone on the spot who is returning after a long term of sobriety to speak and tell their story. WRONG!!
Just walking in the door is hard enough after a relapse. That chair person was shaming that person returning. It's wrong!
I would never go back to a meeting if I relapsed if someone was going to make me tell what happened, my story? I'll tell you what happened
when I am good and ready.
Just walking in the door is hard enough after a relapse. That chair person was shaming that person returning. It's wrong!
I would never go back to a meeting if I relapsed if someone was going to make me tell what happened, my story? I'll tell you what happened
when I am good and ready.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
At the last meeting I went to, one of the women who was sharing called the person chairing it a b1tch and stormed off, slamming the door behind her (she had just been reminded to keep her share to 5 minutes as per group conscience). What amazed me was that everyone just carried on as if nothing had happened....
These things happen. They used to worry me, as any form of confrontation sent me into a bit of a spin, but now I just go with the flow.
Group conscience should be followed, but sometimes something will happen that makes that difficult. Perhaps that lady sharing about her relapse saved someone else's life that night...someone who may have been planning to drink?
Who knows..but we can be a bit of a rabble sometimes can't we? Lol.
These things happen. They used to worry me, as any form of confrontation sent me into a bit of a spin, but now I just go with the flow.
Group conscience should be followed, but sometimes something will happen that makes that difficult. Perhaps that lady sharing about her relapse saved someone else's life that night...someone who may have been planning to drink?
Who knows..but we can be a bit of a rabble sometimes can't we? Lol.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I was at a meeting a few weeks ago, and a couple guys who apparently knew each other from the good old days almost got in a fight. It was just like being out in the prison yard. Lol
Last edited by DoubleBarrel; 04-02-2014 at 10:59 PM. Reason: Touchscreen spelling stinks :)
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I would have found the choice to put someone who has just drunk and obviously suffering as a speaker a very poor one indeed.
What message is that to any newcomer? Drunk within the last week or so, sharing their experience, strength and hope for all newcomers our speaker for this evening ladies and gentlemen. It's the guy that leads the meetings fault in this case.
I understand how some people think the pain of the recent drunk keeps them sober but subjecting them to this so they breakdown and cry is a bit over the top IMO. It's bit like the cat playing with the mouse before eating it.
Badger1 it happens, it's not your job to fix it, in time it will be water off a ducks back to you as you will have seen a few disputes by then. My post is not for you to take action!
What message is that to any newcomer? Drunk within the last week or so, sharing their experience, strength and hope for all newcomers our speaker for this evening ladies and gentlemen. It's the guy that leads the meetings fault in this case.
I understand how some people think the pain of the recent drunk keeps them sober but subjecting them to this so they breakdown and cry is a bit over the top IMO. It's bit like the cat playing with the mouse before eating it.
Badger1 it happens, it's not your job to fix it, in time it will be water off a ducks back to you as you will have seen a few disputes by then. My post is not for you to take action!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
First meeting I went to on my own there was a fight. Two men yelling and chest pounding. I had not been in the rooms for ten years and I thought "Wow, AA has sure changed a lot", LOL
The meeting went on and in fact I just chaired last night to the woman that chaired that meeting. I gave her kudos for going on with the show.
I have to agree that the person returning should not have been called out to speak. I would have been horrified. But then again one of the first leads I got had relapsed and she did the lead anyway and talked about it so....It is hard to make that call and in reality I don't have that power and today, I am grateful for that!
Again, a simple program for complicated people. It is situations like this that I use, even as much as I hate the saying, "take what you need and leave the rest".
The meeting went on and in fact I just chaired last night to the woman that chaired that meeting. I gave her kudos for going on with the show.
I have to agree that the person returning should not have been called out to speak. I would have been horrified. But then again one of the first leads I got had relapsed and she did the lead anyway and talked about it so....It is hard to make that call and in reality I don't have that power and today, I am grateful for that!
Again, a simple program for complicated people. It is situations like this that I use, even as much as I hate the saying, "take what you need and leave the rest".
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