When recovery goes wrong without any wrong-doing.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 52
When recovery goes wrong without any wrong-doing.
So I really needed a place to vent, obviously a productive venting of frustration so I'll just get this out of the way first:
Now, my story begins entering outpatient treatment in November 9th 2014.... [etc. etc.] clean 443 days now... [etc. etc. etc.]... Never relapsed or failed a UA, as I had another few prescriptions that made getting clean urine practically (unless you're some hive chemist or something) impossible, which is a great thing in my eyes. It's like a 2-step verification to say, hey, you know it's my results you got because these prescriptions are also there, in the correct concentrations.
But see, here is where I went wrong, and it might sound confusing that I'm blaming myself for this next part, but bear with the flow of this if you can. When I began, I was on a prescription that I knew from knowledge, experience, and common sense, was a potentially hazardous combination, as this conditional I've made clearly states:
if (opiates && benzos)
return "You're being.... risky"
else
"Phew."
end
As I expected, the doctors told me all this anyways and at the time it was agreed that since I was educated, and knew the dangers it was a non issue to have my prescription while at my treatment.
Then I started doing UA's, and I noticed something.... one prescription wasn't showing up.... the benzo...
For months, I asked "Hey, I wonder why this isn't showing up?" and the nurses said "Oh that's odd, I'll make a note." or "Maybe it's just too low a dosage?" but ultimately never did anything that resulted in being talked to about my question the next visit or two.
Well, as time went on, I was asked to go off the benzos by my primary doctor (treatment center doctor = diff, not my primary). I did it, but, there were some effects I was not expecting, even after a moderately controlled taper lasting roughly three months.
As I tapered, the benzos never showed up in my urine tests, and I would mention it again, and again. "Why is this not showing up?"
No answer, ever, even after it was 'noted' in my 'log'.
Now 3 months after I stopped taking Benzos, in that time I (am not saying it's a direct cause<->effect relationship, only worth noting) had dropped out of school, stopped attending social events, stopped talking to friends, isolated myself, twitched like crazy and couldn't hold a conversation, I decided that it might be a good idea to at least see if the previous benzo I was taking would help, and it did. I notified my treatment outpatient per the rules, I brought in the bottle for them to see and write down the prescription number.
That's when everything bad happened. I was on monthly takeouts for my outpatient, as soon as I did this, they bumped me down to 2 week take outs (It's 50 miles from me, being an hour drive there and an hour back), and I had just gotten clearance to do my group therapy online since the times at the outpatient were ridiculously early in the morning and more so because the drive was so long, we put in "unreasonable commute" and that was accepted. So I felt like, my good deeds, my honesty, my cooperation, for 423 days or so at that point, I had been going to that clinic, clean, sober, never once failed.... but now on my urine tests, the Benzo's aren't showing up, and the doctor, who, I am not even sure who looks at my chart anymore since they don't tell me, said I had to ween off the benzos before I could get monthly takeouts again, even though I had a higher dose prescription of benzos in the past while I had monthly takeouts....
Yeah... seriously.
I told them that seemed odd, and of course my counselor wasn't in that day so I just tried to tell the nurses "lets wait until the counselor is back". But they were using the reed technique on me, trying to say things like "Why did you say you wouldn't have gotten back on the benzos if you had known this would have happened?" In my head I was screaming "Because you don't know sarcasm, b****". But I didn't say it.
Two weeks later, it was never mentioned again, this time, something entirely differently happened. I was not asked to ween off the benzos, no, it was not even mentioned. The counselor met with me and promptly asked me "Have you brought your benzos with you for counting?" and I asked "What?" honestly confused.
They were about to try and say they can tell me to bring in my prescriptions that my primary doctor wrote, so THEY can count them? Why?
Well, my counselor told me, it's because the benzos had never shown up in my Urine tests.
I had told her "Ah yes, I mentioned this to the nurses." and she sighed.
"Are you selling your benzos?" She asked me, the cat was then out of the bag.
I laughed, I told her I had an entirely different idea of where this conversation was going in my head. I thought they thought I was abusing it in chunks, enough to miss it on the UA.... but no, they straight up think I'm selling my benzos. hahahaha.
Oh my god, it's great that people can go to suboxone doctors, get suboxone for 90 days, almost no questions asked, most of the people I knew in my days as a junky, suboxone patients just sold theirs. I knew that was a concern when I started that place, that they'd think I might be trying to sell, but I always had the right amount when they counted, and the concentration in my urine was always correct - and yes I know this can be tricked - but it was not. But since I had to go there every single day, and dose in front of them, it eliminated the possibility of selling until I got take outs, which they randomly call me in to count and not once has it been off (which is stupid anyways because a smart seller would... obviously plan that, but hey it's the clinics logic to not consider that, not my thinking).
So there is my vent. It's a novella, enjoy it.
TL
R
I'm a crazy outpatient who is 443 days clean. Timeline - Start treatment with suboxone: One of my prescriptions (a benzo, which can do bad things if you take too much with opiates) never showed up on my UA's, and I always questioned it. Fast forward to 400 days into the program. I have not relapsed, and all of the sudden, got accused of selling a the benzos after I had gotten off the prescription and then back on it a few weeks prior or so, because it didn't show up on my UA's.... again, and I questioned it.... but no, now they have to 'count my benzos', a prescription they didn't even give me. How awesome! It makes me feel like recovery is... it's anything, because it's so uncharted. It can be bs one day, sunshine the next, rainbows another, rain the last.
Tomorrow I'm gonna wake up to a freggin rainbow, okay? I will not let my treatment center bring me down, psychologically. I know I'm not selling jack squat. So that's that, I'm recovering completely fine.
- TG
Now, my story begins entering outpatient treatment in November 9th 2014.... [etc. etc.] clean 443 days now... [etc. etc. etc.]... Never relapsed or failed a UA, as I had another few prescriptions that made getting clean urine practically (unless you're some hive chemist or something) impossible, which is a great thing in my eyes. It's like a 2-step verification to say, hey, you know it's my results you got because these prescriptions are also there, in the correct concentrations.
But see, here is where I went wrong, and it might sound confusing that I'm blaming myself for this next part, but bear with the flow of this if you can. When I began, I was on a prescription that I knew from knowledge, experience, and common sense, was a potentially hazardous combination, as this conditional I've made clearly states:
if (opiates && benzos)
return "You're being.... risky"
else
"Phew."
end
As I expected, the doctors told me all this anyways and at the time it was agreed that since I was educated, and knew the dangers it was a non issue to have my prescription while at my treatment.
Then I started doing UA's, and I noticed something.... one prescription wasn't showing up.... the benzo...
For months, I asked "Hey, I wonder why this isn't showing up?" and the nurses said "Oh that's odd, I'll make a note." or "Maybe it's just too low a dosage?" but ultimately never did anything that resulted in being talked to about my question the next visit or two.
Well, as time went on, I was asked to go off the benzos by my primary doctor (treatment center doctor = diff, not my primary). I did it, but, there were some effects I was not expecting, even after a moderately controlled taper lasting roughly three months.
As I tapered, the benzos never showed up in my urine tests, and I would mention it again, and again. "Why is this not showing up?"
No answer, ever, even after it was 'noted' in my 'log'.
Now 3 months after I stopped taking Benzos, in that time I (am not saying it's a direct cause<->effect relationship, only worth noting) had dropped out of school, stopped attending social events, stopped talking to friends, isolated myself, twitched like crazy and couldn't hold a conversation, I decided that it might be a good idea to at least see if the previous benzo I was taking would help, and it did. I notified my treatment outpatient per the rules, I brought in the bottle for them to see and write down the prescription number.
That's when everything bad happened. I was on monthly takeouts for my outpatient, as soon as I did this, they bumped me down to 2 week take outs (It's 50 miles from me, being an hour drive there and an hour back), and I had just gotten clearance to do my group therapy online since the times at the outpatient were ridiculously early in the morning and more so because the drive was so long, we put in "unreasonable commute" and that was accepted. So I felt like, my good deeds, my honesty, my cooperation, for 423 days or so at that point, I had been going to that clinic, clean, sober, never once failed.... but now on my urine tests, the Benzo's aren't showing up, and the doctor, who, I am not even sure who looks at my chart anymore since they don't tell me, said I had to ween off the benzos before I could get monthly takeouts again, even though I had a higher dose prescription of benzos in the past while I had monthly takeouts....
Yeah... seriously.
I told them that seemed odd, and of course my counselor wasn't in that day so I just tried to tell the nurses "lets wait until the counselor is back". But they were using the reed technique on me, trying to say things like "Why did you say you wouldn't have gotten back on the benzos if you had known this would have happened?" In my head I was screaming "Because you don't know sarcasm, b****". But I didn't say it.
Two weeks later, it was never mentioned again, this time, something entirely differently happened. I was not asked to ween off the benzos, no, it was not even mentioned. The counselor met with me and promptly asked me "Have you brought your benzos with you for counting?" and I asked "What?" honestly confused.
They were about to try and say they can tell me to bring in my prescriptions that my primary doctor wrote, so THEY can count them? Why?
Well, my counselor told me, it's because the benzos had never shown up in my Urine tests.
I had told her "Ah yes, I mentioned this to the nurses." and she sighed.
"Are you selling your benzos?" She asked me, the cat was then out of the bag.
I laughed, I told her I had an entirely different idea of where this conversation was going in my head. I thought they thought I was abusing it in chunks, enough to miss it on the UA.... but no, they straight up think I'm selling my benzos. hahahaha.
Oh my god, it's great that people can go to suboxone doctors, get suboxone for 90 days, almost no questions asked, most of the people I knew in my days as a junky, suboxone patients just sold theirs. I knew that was a concern when I started that place, that they'd think I might be trying to sell, but I always had the right amount when they counted, and the concentration in my urine was always correct - and yes I know this can be tricked - but it was not. But since I had to go there every single day, and dose in front of them, it eliminated the possibility of selling until I got take outs, which they randomly call me in to count and not once has it been off (which is stupid anyways because a smart seller would... obviously plan that, but hey it's the clinics logic to not consider that, not my thinking).
So there is my vent. It's a novella, enjoy it.
TL
RI'm a crazy outpatient who is 443 days clean. Timeline - Start treatment with suboxone: One of my prescriptions (a benzo, which can do bad things if you take too much with opiates) never showed up on my UA's, and I always questioned it. Fast forward to 400 days into the program. I have not relapsed, and all of the sudden, got accused of selling a the benzos after I had gotten off the prescription and then back on it a few weeks prior or so, because it didn't show up on my UA's.... again, and I questioned it.... but no, now they have to 'count my benzos', a prescription they didn't even give me. How awesome! It makes me feel like recovery is... it's anything, because it's so uncharted. It can be bs one day, sunshine the next, rainbows another, rain the last.
Tomorrow I'm gonna wake up to a freggin rainbow, okay? I will not let my treatment center bring me down, psychologically. I know I'm not selling jack squat. So that's that, I'm recovering completely fine.
- TG
Last edited by TheGamer; 01-23-2016 at 06:19 PM. Reason: Edit: Correcting a sentence about a contradiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 52
I told you: today I woke up to a
RaInbow.
Because I know that my recovery is up to me, not my treatment center. I know that I've been clean for 443 days, I know that I am not selling my prescriptions (that I need to even function in society) and I know that the Treatment Center has not taken good notes about my history, so they have to take precautions they would take with anyone. What muddled me most was the confusion, the different things that were 'problems' that weren't the next visit, replaced by different 'problems' I wasn't even expecting. But hey, it's their time and money that they're wasting, because guess what? I'm recording every single time I dose my prescription on video, with a witness, and I won't tell them I have those videos unless they try to straight up accuse me and punish me for something I know I didn't do. The witnesses are people who actually hold on to my prescription and dispense it for me, since I am not allowed to retrieve the prescription myself; per my primary doctors orders, just to be safe. I thought it was a fantastic idea, but again, my treatment center has one of those ears where you say things and then the words just fall out the other end.
Maybe the Treatment Center needs a better Ear? Listening to patients I think would be beneficial to them.
So, having had a good nights rest, no cravings at all, not even a wish or dream for a high, because within me, I know the chase is gone, and it will never come back. Here's to me, my sobriety, my recovery.
What does recovery mean to me?
It means success and I am succeeding whether my outpatient likes it or not. I will not let their confusing record keeping and concerning treatment of patients keep me from success, and that is the key to Recovery. Understanding that recovery is up to me, not them and I'm the one in control. I will let them think what they think, and take the high road. As I was taught, you 'Kill em with Kindness' (Obviously kill does NOT mean literally murder in this context, it's used to represent the endurance of my kindness), well, I like that idea.
- TG
RaInbow.
Because I know that my recovery is up to me, not my treatment center. I know that I've been clean for 443 days, I know that I am not selling my prescriptions (that I need to even function in society) and I know that the Treatment Center has not taken good notes about my history, so they have to take precautions they would take with anyone. What muddled me most was the confusion, the different things that were 'problems' that weren't the next visit, replaced by different 'problems' I wasn't even expecting. But hey, it's their time and money that they're wasting, because guess what? I'm recording every single time I dose my prescription on video, with a witness, and I won't tell them I have those videos unless they try to straight up accuse me and punish me for something I know I didn't do. The witnesses are people who actually hold on to my prescription and dispense it for me, since I am not allowed to retrieve the prescription myself; per my primary doctors orders, just to be safe. I thought it was a fantastic idea, but again, my treatment center has one of those ears where you say things and then the words just fall out the other end.
Maybe the Treatment Center needs a better Ear? Listening to patients I think would be beneficial to them.
So, having had a good nights rest, no cravings at all, not even a wish or dream for a high, because within me, I know the chase is gone, and it will never come back. Here's to me, my sobriety, my recovery.
What does recovery mean to me?
It means success and I am succeeding whether my outpatient likes it or not. I will not let their confusing record keeping and concerning treatment of patients keep me from success, and that is the key to Recovery. Understanding that recovery is up to me, not them and I'm the one in control. I will let them think what they think, and take the high road. As I was taught, you 'Kill em with Kindness' (Obviously kill does NOT mean literally murder in this context, it's used to represent the endurance of my kindness), well, I like that idea.
- TG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 52
A couple days and I'll be going back there to finally see what comes of this whole situation. I'm writing now because, honestly, I don't know what to expect anymore, because my treatment center is so confusing. One visit, the problem is that I'm taking benzos, the next visit, the problem is that the benzos were not on my UA's (even after I mentioned this many, many, many times over the course of 12 months) and this leads to them wanting to count them.
Whatever, I say. I'll do it, but they have to consider it's not just my time they're wasting. If they had listened to me, kept good records, and actually remember once in awhile that, yeah, I've been going there for a long time, so even if the nurse is newly employed, she needs to take that into consideration even though she's the one handling my visit for that day. I swear, it's like they have these things they say when they notice patients get mad, to try and get the blame off themselves. The nurse I talked to kept smiling and saying "I'm sorry, I was thinking of a different patient."
Yeah..... right.... and that grin she had meant what exactly? That she's happy that lying to a junky is so easy? Or is she smiling because she knows she's making my life hell for no good reason than her own pleasure? Kind of feels that way some times. Why not listen to me for once in awhile? Why not actually write down what I say? But those are toxic questions, and I adhere to the voice of reason.
But my plan, and please, someone, tell me if this is wrong, I am going to go there, do what they ask, say only what I need to say, and then leave. I won't bring up anything they don't, I will keep a notebook to log things they tell me as well as things that I want to note, such as appointments, things I am asked to do or told. That will be that, no arguing, no questioning, just doing what they ask because the alternative is not being able to go there anymore.
I don't want confrontation, because I think me getting 'concerned' that they wanted me off the Benzos resulted in them making me wait for an hour in the lobby my next visit instead of putting me in the patient Queue, just ignoring me and letting other patients go before me under the guise that 'my counselor was going to come get me'. Then after that hour passed, they called me by patient number (instead of the ticket numbers they use), and had me dose. Then my counselor was like "Did you just get here?" when I went to see her after I dosed and got my takeouts, and I said "No, I arrived here an hour and a half ago, now, and was told to wait for you to come and get me." She let out this sigh, that, well it made me feel like she thought someone, maybe someone else, maybe me, was lying to her. Also I had called them two weeks prior and I mentioned that to my counselor, who was supposed to call me but that information was never passed on to her. Nurses be power trippin??? I really hope to god that's not the case, because aside from the doctors, the nurses have the most power there aside from the guy who owns the treatment center. If he was there that day, this whole mess would never have likely happened...
Again, all because of bad book-keeping. But I'm not gonna let that ruin my mindset when I go in, I am going to smile, I am going to laugh at all the corny and/or stupid jokes people tell, and I will be happy the whole time there and I will leave happy. No confrontations at all.
-TG
Whatever, I say. I'll do it, but they have to consider it's not just my time they're wasting. If they had listened to me, kept good records, and actually remember once in awhile that, yeah, I've been going there for a long time, so even if the nurse is newly employed, she needs to take that into consideration even though she's the one handling my visit for that day. I swear, it's like they have these things they say when they notice patients get mad, to try and get the blame off themselves. The nurse I talked to kept smiling and saying "I'm sorry, I was thinking of a different patient."
Yeah..... right.... and that grin she had meant what exactly? That she's happy that lying to a junky is so easy? Or is she smiling because she knows she's making my life hell for no good reason than her own pleasure? Kind of feels that way some times. Why not listen to me for once in awhile? Why not actually write down what I say? But those are toxic questions, and I adhere to the voice of reason.
But my plan, and please, someone, tell me if this is wrong, I am going to go there, do what they ask, say only what I need to say, and then leave. I won't bring up anything they don't, I will keep a notebook to log things they tell me as well as things that I want to note, such as appointments, things I am asked to do or told. That will be that, no arguing, no questioning, just doing what they ask because the alternative is not being able to go there anymore.
I don't want confrontation, because I think me getting 'concerned' that they wanted me off the Benzos resulted in them making me wait for an hour in the lobby my next visit instead of putting me in the patient Queue, just ignoring me and letting other patients go before me under the guise that 'my counselor was going to come get me'. Then after that hour passed, they called me by patient number (instead of the ticket numbers they use), and had me dose. Then my counselor was like "Did you just get here?" when I went to see her after I dosed and got my takeouts, and I said "No, I arrived here an hour and a half ago, now, and was told to wait for you to come and get me." She let out this sigh, that, well it made me feel like she thought someone, maybe someone else, maybe me, was lying to her. Also I had called them two weeks prior and I mentioned that to my counselor, who was supposed to call me but that information was never passed on to her. Nurses be power trippin??? I really hope to god that's not the case, because aside from the doctors, the nurses have the most power there aside from the guy who owns the treatment center. If he was there that day, this whole mess would never have likely happened...
Again, all because of bad book-keeping. But I'm not gonna let that ruin my mindset when I go in, I am going to smile, I am going to laugh at all the corny and/or stupid jokes people tell, and I will be happy the whole time there and I will leave happy. No confrontations at all.
-TG
Last edited by TheGamer; 02-03-2016 at 02:29 PM. Reason: toxic questions, pointing out, signed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 52
I awoke to some anxiety this morning, but quickly realized it was just the cold weather... reminds me of the chills too much that sometimes I confuse cold weather for withdrawal, but, despite this I got off to an early start, was out of bed by 5:40AM and on the road only a half hour later.
Oh I'm beating around the bush too much.....
It went perfectly well. I worried for the right reasons, but I listened to the voice of reason (that phrase is like.... I'm catch phrasing it!)
There were no problems, nothing wrong, no raised voices or frowns. Only smiles, laughs and good tidings. They told me they had 'identified and solved the issue', and I did not ask them to elaborate, that was good enough for me.
Today, my 456th day clean, I feel great. I just heard some news too about a new opiate dependency tool to help those suffering from opioid dependency or abuse. It's on the front page of SR if you're interested, I'd rather not butcher it. Simply put it's called "Probuphine".
I'm so glad this chapter of my recovery is over and a new one is starting. Everything that had seem wrong was corrected today without anger and error. I'm proud of this, that despite my thoughts, I remembered that they're only thoughts, and listened - again - to the voice of reason.
Thanks for reading, and thanks for anyone who had been watching this progress but had not said anything, I do think I would have just riled myself up more over what turned out to be nothing more than a misunderstanding.
Dance time!
(closest thing to dancing on there)
- TG
Oh I'm beating around the bush too much.....
It went perfectly well. I worried for the right reasons, but I listened to the voice of reason (that phrase is like.... I'm catch phrasing it!)
There were no problems, nothing wrong, no raised voices or frowns. Only smiles, laughs and good tidings. They told me they had 'identified and solved the issue', and I did not ask them to elaborate, that was good enough for me.
Today, my 456th day clean, I feel great. I just heard some news too about a new opiate dependency tool to help those suffering from opioid dependency or abuse. It's on the front page of SR if you're interested, I'd rather not butcher it. Simply put it's called "Probuphine".
I'm so glad this chapter of my recovery is over and a new one is starting. Everything that had seem wrong was corrected today without anger and error. I'm proud of this, that despite my thoughts, I remembered that they're only thoughts, and listened - again - to the voice of reason.
Thanks for reading, and thanks for anyone who had been watching this progress but had not said anything, I do think I would have just riled myself up more over what turned out to be nothing more than a misunderstanding.
Dance time!
(closest thing to dancing on there)- TG
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by Ken33xx 
To thine own self be true
But it requires, as you said, truth to ones self.
Thank you, today has been a beautiful day.
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