SouthernBe11e

Yesterday I felt thrilled about the prospect of me sharing my story in the Friday night meeting. I wanted to share how I was using self-talk (AVRT) to get through the cravings of drinking. I was soaring through the day with the excitement when a few hours before the meeting the crazy Beast (Addiction Voice) began gnawing in my guts. My mind suddenly got defensive and I began my self-talk. Strangely my whole body seemed to go into the familiar mode of trying to overcome my rational talk, even grabbing my purse and counting out the money for a trip to the store, in spite of my affirmative words. It was exactly like a child taking a temper tantrum and preparing to disobey their parent no matter what.

Honestly, I got so scared and depressed. I then paced through my house with tears streaming down my face and cried out to my spiritual parent, God my Father and pleaded, "Lord, I have no control right now! Help me, please!" As soon as those words came out, I was humbled before God and broken. And immediately felt like somebody WAS in control ~ GOD! And thankfully, the Beast was subdued and I got to share my story last night at the meeting as an overcomer.

This may not help those that don't acknowledge the Lord, but it absolutely saved me from falling back into my old insane rut. It was real and efffective for me. So I'm going to continue using AVRT to train myself to live sober. And I'm also going to rely on God the Father's help as I move forward with it.

Whatever works, right?

SoberLeigh

Well done, SouthernBe11e.

SouthernBe11e

Thank you, SoberLeigh! But that was 2 days ago. Yesterday was a different story. If you see my post today in the Anxiety forum, I struggled with a much stronger AV on Saturday. Today I'm struggling badly with PTSD.

As I shared in Friday's meeting, I forgave my foster parents for abusing my siblings and me. Forgiveness is not the issue. I only mention this to explain that the toxic thought patterns are still ingrained in my head. The more I refrain from alcohol, the more I see and feel those reactions of terror and anger in my being and they beg to be dealt with.

My rational mind sometimes has no effect on the wounded me. My heart begins pounding for no reason, I break out in a low grade fever, I want to run away just like a terrorized animal! I feel like I'm suffocating today.

I know it's partly withdrawal. But I believe it's mainly finally confronting the panic and fear of being a prisoner most of my life. And not knowing how to resolve and get closure with a lifetime of living in a concentration camp of horror.

SouthernBe11e

Also, I've been in counseling for many, many years. Several different counselors. The majority of whom in therapy wanted me to express anger toward my abusers. I could never do that though. It seemed ridiculous and pointless.

I was on anti-depressants years ago and though they relaxed my racing thoughts, it never helped me resolve my inner conflicts. I want to work through these conflicts once and for all.