northbelle

Guess it is time again. I have been dancing with ole Mr.Brownstome again..I know way too much now adn I just can't keep going. The job will be gone, the kid and my physical freedom as well. I had cut off all my connections from that crap and naively thought I would never do it again..But I am here on day two..sweatin it out ...I don't have any answers or even really any questions anymore...been down this road too many times. Unfotunately the only other option is death by addiction if i keep going. I can see it in my eyes,,,just wanted to post here and say I am still alive and kickein..literally...

northbelle

Buzz Kilowatt

Hi North,

Sorry to hear that you are suffering but SO GLAD you are here and sharing your experience.

We're here for you -- you can do it!

Buzz

northbelle

Thanx much ..just good to be heard. You know I went for several years without it. But my mind never forgot the feeling...I always thought about it. I have been reading some terrible statistics about heroin addicts. Scarey..and I am one of them...I can't worry about anything else but today right now..can't even go there in my head. It is a awful truth to admit that needle in hand I have once come so low. It is so much work to try to be functional addict....everyone watches the clock at work but for me time stands still waiting to get more..only working to make money for more and loosing the desire to even have goals or dreams anymore...just make enough to get more . It is way too much work and so painful ,,,thanx for letting me post..I need to get up again..I can't live this way

Paul83

heroin, alcohol, pot, bigmacs, meth, 42in TV's, ad infinitum.. We're always gonna think about them. I think about heroin sometimes, but at the same time the obsession has been removed. And I only lost it by working a program that fit me. Sure, heroin is great - but would I do it if it were in front of me? I literally can't imagine why I would. Thank you for sharing your post northbelle, I'm very touched by your sense of honesty and even ambivalence at getting off this sh*te, and yeah I've been there too, 22 days of nightsweats - and may very well be again. But not today..
I often sweated about the empiral information regarding heroin addiction while I was using as well, about people never enjoying life again (this usually just perpetuated my cycle even more). But it really does get better, I'm actually got a chickensh*t grin on my face today and enjoying this fully-conscious life as compeltely as possible. Best of luck to you I mean it sincerely and thank you

northbelle

Well I made it up to the store for chocolate...my legs are aching like nobodys buisness. Sorry to whine but it has been a really rough day. I went to get my son signed up in a summer program for school age kids..well the location I needed was full and now I am going to have to leave the house at 6 am to get to work by 9. I have to take 4 different buses to GET there...then WALK two miles to my work. I do not know if I can do this. And it is my own fault that I don't have a car. I can't AFFORD one being a single mom and I have to have high risk insurance for five years because of a DUI. I am doing this alone and I don't know how to ask anyone for help anymore. I am sure I should feel lucky to HAVE my job..it is a fairly decent one and I did not loose it on my last little binge,,,I guess I am lucky to have a son to take to daycare..I am just tired and stressed..does anyone else suffer from anxiety..it is my constant companion right now and it was there BEFORE I used this last time.. I did go to the doctor and he told me basically there was no magic pill he could give me for what I've got...I thought to myself "Yeah doc ,well I can"! and when I got offered some dope the next time..well I had that needle in my arm quicker than you can say HIV...I actually convinced myself that God..seeing my suffering sent the dope my way!!! I am coming out of it though. If anyone has any suggestions on how to reach out let me know. I feel stuck and I need some support...you guys are great here..don't get me wrong..I just need more....
north

notkernels

Northbelle,
Please DO NOT despair, we are praying for you and thinking about you. I am not very religious but when I'm going through a very difficult time I try to offer it up for some poor sole in pergatory. Even if you don't believe in "pergatory" remember that things will get better. I promise, been there!!
As for your anxiety, you need a different doctor. There are several medications which can help with that. Check out this forum for more info.
Lastly, you would not believe the reasons I've give myself everytime I relapse. Once clean though I realize just how illegical. Remember, you son is depending on you. My kids have been my motivation to stay clean. I want to grow old and be with them when they turn adults.
Again, our prayers and thoughts are with you. Please keep us updated!

Lbad

Hi Northbelle,
I just wanted to say that I know it can be hard. I was right where you are a few years ago. It gets better. Unless you have a real "anxiety disorder" I promise it gets better. It takes time. I felt like I really had an anxiety disorder. It was all so overwhelming. I used to think, "I can not do this." Well, I did. For me my anxiety was just fear of the world and life clean. Today I don't have that fear. I got rid of it by having a spiritual program of recovery in my life. I do have moments of anxiety but I recognize it clearly for what it is and use appropriate tools to get past it. This has worked for me for a long time now and is just my experience but I hope it helps.

BigSis

Northbelle... perhaps "reaching out" can be getting yourself to a meeting and laying it on the table.

My Higher Power works through people... but I have to use my own voice, sometimes.

((((Northbelle)))))

northbelle

Hello my friends....well I made ti to a meeting today and ..well..so much of the FEAR is gone. It was so hard for me to go..the shame..the hopelessness of going in and out the doors..the feeling that I let other people down..like I had asked a friend to be my spnsor awhile back and never followed through with calling her. But today they were all right there telling me what i needed so badly to hear. When people speak from the position of experience there is just nothing like it. I have tried virtually evry other meand of beating this thing..but the problem is not going to change unless I do. sometimes I don't know how to do that..or I am scared ..
It was so good to just hear."Its going to be alright" and know that I truly don't have to worry so much about every other part of my life..just the staying clean part..everything else will work out..it always does..
Physically I am not very good..I am dragging my ass,,but thats ok..at least I am doing the right thing and this I know for sure...
A friend from the meeting took me for a ride on his Harley up to the hillside where you can see all of Anchorage and it just felt so good to be out and feel like a part of the world ..even though I was really uncomfortable in my own skin while I was out that was OK too and I believe that we ALL feel that way sometimes,,,just walk throught the discomfort..well I just wanted you to know I am still in the game and thank you guys sooo much for reading and responding to me..I will deep posting...
north

emmer

GOOD for you northern girl ! Keep up the meetings and phone your sponser no matter how heavy the phone is. PM me if ya want, ok?? ....Joe

Cindi R

****{NB}}}
You may need a sponsor who's just your sponsor...
It's very hard to sponsor a friend...

northbelle

you are so right cindy..the sponsor I had is just such a person..I was actually kind of intimidated by her . But I asked her to be my sponsor several months ago , and then NEVER called her. We are not really "friends " at all. More of a "buisness relationship" if you will. AND I JUST CALLED HER FOR THE FIRST TIME.
Boy this is just really hard right now. I feel like I have made a commitment and I am willing..because of desperation..so I went to the meeting today..hung out with a friend called my sponsor and faked like I am OK. I am not really at all..but willing to do the mext thing for my recovery..shaking all the way...I am not trying to preach the program here..I don't care how anyone does it really..just trying to do the only thing I HAVEN"T tried..have to get to bed to go to work in the morning. I am making a new start..and keeping it really simple for this second...hour ...day....
north

northbelle

Can't sleep, cleaned the kitchen spotless and drank a cup of coffee. I HAD to indulge in SOMETHING..I kind of feel like there might be hope. Like maybe I am not a bad person for continuing to use but a sick person just trying the best I can to deal with this disease..dis-ease...that really sums it up.
Well I will go back to work tommorow and make things better. At least I have to try. Nobody is going to do this **** for me and maybe a part of me WANTS someone to come fix me..here on earth..there is nobody like that available..I have to do it. Sometimes i think God should fix it for me but I dunno..maybe he will.
My exhusband started coming around and he is just a real dope fiend. Not that I am not mind you but he can't keep it together enough to stay out of jail. He has done some really scarey things..like robberies and some violent stuff. I really had hopes that the program he was in would work but it was the same thing when he got out this time. He just wants a safe place to get high and all the luxuried of home and family...without contributing one thing,. even to himself
and sick as it is..me adn Sky have history together. We used heroin together for a few years and I have to tell you..it was a fairly PAIN FREE couple of years and we did have some fun...BUT..it all ended up in the heart of the skids one more time..so I know what to excpect..I have to save my own butt/ My friend told me I need to fight him like I would a wild animal that is trying to kill me!! Extreme..but is it no true. And I know I am a part of that same thing to HIM..Nobodys fault just a bad mix of two addicts!! Rarely works.I have worked really hard to get what I have. I don't know WHAT the future holds but thats OK. I really think I deserve a life...I don't wnat to hurt him but I can't save him...oh my..I have really went on one.I guess I need to get it out so thanx for reading if you did not fall asleep.
Where is done with it?? Are ya there my sista!!!I could use to hear from you..buzz I hope all is well with you. You have alot to be proud of and have really grown alot here!!!
north

splendra

((((Northbelle))))

Hang in there girl it sounds like you are on the right track. I know it is hard as all get out but, it is worth it. You do deserve to have a life. Grab hold of life and don't let go.

Done_With_It

Hi sweetie,

I'm sorry I missed this post, and I'm sorry you are struggling so much.
Sounds like your doing a little bit better.
I almost relapsed the last couple weeks too, but made it through, but
I know that struggle too well.
You know the drill.....

and you know the most important part is the kid, next the job cuz the job=housing arrangements.........

There is no drug in the world that is worth losing that over.

Your so strong and you've helped me many a time. Remind yourself of your strenth. You'll get through this and be stronger for it.
Keep posting, no more using. ;-)

We're here for ya girl!!

DWI

emilyajb

So happy to see you back again, keep venting girl it helps.

You know where i am, god bless

Emily

windysan

I pray that you can kick it for good this time. My thoughts are with you. Stay alive.

northbelle

So nice to come home and have support right here on my puter!! I went to the noon meeting today, everyone gets a chance to share at this meeting adn I relaly like it. No judgement there.
Anyway I waded my way around the politics of the day I didn't let the office get to me. I jsut was me. Did not go to SLEEP last night untio 4:30 and up at 6!!! clean today.,,clean again today..my ex got put on restriction and can't just come on ever to my house which takes alot of pressure off me. If I tell him no to come over..which I have tried many times he just does anyway and I am gald for the break. I have to break it for good. We are totally toxic to each other. Scares the **** out of me..My son starts a new summer day program on wednesday and I am worried about getting up and taking the three BUSES I have to catch to get him out to the school..then get my own self to work!!!
Think I will just start wearing a cape!! adn swooshing around like wonder woman..I feel like that is what I do sometimes..but I have food in the fridge..Pirates of The carribean playing in the living room..and coffe brewin so maybe this is as good as it gets..and today that is alright with me...I pray that I SLEEP tonight. I almost feel liek I amy be MANIC..and also dyslesic apparently from my writings...nite all...
north

windysan

Remember that insomnia will not kill you. Your body will be tired and you will eventually sleep well....as long as you stay off the dope.

northbelle

Well if nothing else windy I have dont THAT today! Stayed clean...I am just staying focused on that right now and I went to the Freedom Group meeting today. I took my son to his Camfire Summer School Program and I went to work..I have to do so damn much commuting!!! We take two buses to get him there and then I walk the 1 and a quarter miles to work...got a life home today from work and I am taking this little change one day at a time. My stomach is real crampy . With all this exercise I should really be getting the drugs out of my system,,I went to a really cool organic grocery on the way to work ...as a little rewardt o myself . It is dooo hard right now and I am giving this all I have even when my head tells me..theres no use why try..its too hard and other little gems it plays over and over!!! I am so glad it is summer here in Alaska. You guys really should make it up here sometime..there is so much beauty and ruggedness. The moose are having their calves right now and they are being born all around town and everyone has to watch out for mama moose...she can be brutal!!!! I know it IS A MIRACLE that a addict like me...and like us all have a chance to participate in our lives and have stuff get better..I know it will...I feel like I am starting a new chapter....grateful..
northbelle