day 1 into home detox
Love and Best Wishes!!!!!
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 206
Shivers,
Thanks for asking about me. I, for the life of me, don't know HOW you get out there and exercise!!!! You really have the willpower to kick this! I wish I had your strength or just a tiny bit of it!! But today, I felt crappy, so darn tired unreal, and the chills and crying came with it, not one bit better than yesterday. I appreciate your honesty about the sub. Every time I even look at it now, I think about you and what you said. My old doctor, a year and a half ago, had me on 32 MG!!!, and told me that it wasn't that hard to come off and that it would "retrain" my brain not to want opiates! That really makes me so mad. I was four months into it when I found out the truth. It IS like the devil's drug especially long term, to me. I just don't see an end in sight for me right now, and that's frustrating. Today is day 15 and I was UCKY as I said and had responsibilities I had to fulfill! And Shivers, I have to agree with you...the sub must be prolonging it (just 3 small doses in 10 days)...unless it's also bad this time because I had been WAY UP there with the dose pain pills for WAY TOO long. And the depression of losing my child...that doesn't help with this either! This is honestly WORST than CHILDBIRTH!! And that's something to be said!
Well, also, I am on my fourth round of antibiotics and have to go see a specialist near the end of the month. That's going to be loads of fun! I took as little sub as I needed the first five days and I don't regret that (at least I don't think), but I DO regret having to take even 1 mg. to feel like I can walk to the bathroom for the remainder of the last 10 days for ONLY three tiny doses on THREE different days. Now, however, I am following something Buzz gave me and started taking some vitamins and extra minerals today. We'll see. I know it probably won't be a miracle, but I haven't been eating much of anything or drinking either...too tired to get up to fix something. That probably is making my body collapse also. If I am not better by Sunday, I am going to be so distraught! Oh, and the depression...not that there was an "easy" time to quit before this moment with my daughter having seizures and you name it, but now I don't have to watch her suffer and as sickly ironic as this may sound, I know that this is the TIME I have to do it. I KNOW she doesn't want ME to suffer anymore EITHER! I am going to do whatever it takes to avoid even .25 mg of the sub from now on! Thanks to you, Shivers! I know it's a heck of a drug, BUT I didn't think it would be so bad in helping me IF I were cautious and didn't take it but about every three to four days for about 4-5 low doses (though I know it's powerful). I didn't think a few doses would be addictive. But I DO respect you telling me this because my intentions are sincere to quit. I NEED to know! I hope to veg out this weekend, and I pray by the end of the weekend that I might somewhat feel like the old me, if just half of this misery leaves minus my child, something I have to face anyway. So SHIVERS...today I DID take a piece of sub (maybe 1 mg. or less) and "felt" normal (but thought about YOU the whole time like you were in my head saying "No!" ha!), but I AM GOING TO FOLLOW your advice! I promise! You feeling the way you did after ONLY two weeks speaks volumes to me! I am THROUGH with sub from this w/d session as of TODAY! It at least got me through the first five days. I have NO more obligations for a few days, other than to my toddler, and whatever I have to do, I am going to stay away from sub! My husband can take care of my demanding toddler this weekend to help me. It's going to take a ton of willpower, but you all GIVE ME THAT, and I appreciate it! As badly as I felt earlier, I KNOW it can be EVEN worse, and for me, the worst part is over, but it's still UNBEARABLE to me! It's like EXTREME EXTREME EXTREME torture, then EXTREME EXTREME torture, EXTREME torture, then finally feeling some normalcy (the stage I am waiting for). I AM A PURE WUSS! BUT NO MORE SUB!
Also, GotIt, you said a lot of things that help motivate me also. Thanks for all your great input!! This thread has given me a TON of information!
Shivers, I wish you the best and I know you can do it! You've got LOTS of willpower. The only thing right now I have is some hope and the fact that this is the longest I have even done this in a long time, even with the aid of the sub as minimally as I have used it. It may not sound like I've accomplished much, but one year ago, I wouldn't have been able to do this unless I were taking sub EVERY DAY (at least 8 mg. after lowering the dose)! I hope I have made progress and hope I am not fooling myself. I hope that by Sunday or Monday, we will both feel better! Although I honestly have felt like giving up, I do think I've come a long way...I can't turn back now! Good LUCK to you!!!!
Thanks for asking about me. I, for the life of me, don't know HOW you get out there and exercise!!!! You really have the willpower to kick this! I wish I had your strength or just a tiny bit of it!! But today, I felt crappy, so darn tired unreal, and the chills and crying came with it, not one bit better than yesterday. I appreciate your honesty about the sub. Every time I even look at it now, I think about you and what you said. My old doctor, a year and a half ago, had me on 32 MG!!!, and told me that it wasn't that hard to come off and that it would "retrain" my brain not to want opiates! That really makes me so mad. I was four months into it when I found out the truth. It IS like the devil's drug especially long term, to me. I just don't see an end in sight for me right now, and that's frustrating. Today is day 15 and I was UCKY as I said and had responsibilities I had to fulfill! And Shivers, I have to agree with you...the sub must be prolonging it (just 3 small doses in 10 days)...unless it's also bad this time because I had been WAY UP there with the dose pain pills for WAY TOO long. And the depression of losing my child...that doesn't help with this either! This is honestly WORST than CHILDBIRTH!! And that's something to be said!
Well, also, I am on my fourth round of antibiotics and have to go see a specialist near the end of the month. That's going to be loads of fun! I took as little sub as I needed the first five days and I don't regret that (at least I don't think), but I DO regret having to take even 1 mg. to feel like I can walk to the bathroom for the remainder of the last 10 days for ONLY three tiny doses on THREE different days. Now, however, I am following something Buzz gave me and started taking some vitamins and extra minerals today. We'll see. I know it probably won't be a miracle, but I haven't been eating much of anything or drinking either...too tired to get up to fix something. That probably is making my body collapse also. If I am not better by Sunday, I am going to be so distraught! Oh, and the depression...not that there was an "easy" time to quit before this moment with my daughter having seizures and you name it, but now I don't have to watch her suffer and as sickly ironic as this may sound, I know that this is the TIME I have to do it. I KNOW she doesn't want ME to suffer anymore EITHER! I am going to do whatever it takes to avoid even .25 mg of the sub from now on! Thanks to you, Shivers! I know it's a heck of a drug, BUT I didn't think it would be so bad in helping me IF I were cautious and didn't take it but about every three to four days for about 4-5 low doses (though I know it's powerful). I didn't think a few doses would be addictive. But I DO respect you telling me this because my intentions are sincere to quit. I NEED to know! I hope to veg out this weekend, and I pray by the end of the weekend that I might somewhat feel like the old me, if just half of this misery leaves minus my child, something I have to face anyway. So SHIVERS...today I DID take a piece of sub (maybe 1 mg. or less) and "felt" normal (but thought about YOU the whole time like you were in my head saying "No!" ha!), but I AM GOING TO FOLLOW your advice! I promise! You feeling the way you did after ONLY two weeks speaks volumes to me! I am THROUGH with sub from this w/d session as of TODAY! It at least got me through the first five days. I have NO more obligations for a few days, other than to my toddler, and whatever I have to do, I am going to stay away from sub! My husband can take care of my demanding toddler this weekend to help me. It's going to take a ton of willpower, but you all GIVE ME THAT, and I appreciate it! As badly as I felt earlier, I KNOW it can be EVEN worse, and for me, the worst part is over, but it's still UNBEARABLE to me! It's like EXTREME EXTREME EXTREME torture, then EXTREME EXTREME torture, EXTREME torture, then finally feeling some normalcy (the stage I am waiting for). I AM A PURE WUSS! BUT NO MORE SUB!
Also, GotIt, you said a lot of things that help motivate me also. Thanks for all your great input!! This thread has given me a TON of information!
Shivers, I wish you the best and I know you can do it! You've got LOTS of willpower. The only thing right now I have is some hope and the fact that this is the longest I have even done this in a long time, even with the aid of the sub as minimally as I have used it. It may not sound like I've accomplished much, but one year ago, I wouldn't have been able to do this unless I were taking sub EVERY DAY (at least 8 mg. after lowering the dose)! I hope I have made progress and hope I am not fooling myself. I hope that by Sunday or Monday, we will both feel better! Although I honestly have felt like giving up, I do think I've come a long way...I can't turn back now! Good LUCK to you!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Rest of My Life
Posts: 38
snowwhite, I'm new to SR and read a lot of the posts, not to be a rubbernecker at an acident, but to learn. I read (fully ) about your loss and my eyes well welled up most of the time. I can't even relate or begin to imagine. I'm on day 12 off pain pills and booze so I can relate to that somewhat. You did it once, you can again. Lastly, and please dont take this wrong as it's the only thing I can think of saying about your loss, Don't sacrafice what you do have for what you don't. I hope today is better. I think and pray for you often.
shivers, great for you on day 6. An abusing athlete, I CAN totally relate to that. Think about what we are capable of if we rid ourselves of this garbage. World look out!
Ice may still offer some relif for a disc as it may reduce the inflamation aroind the area and help the nerve irritation. Ride the bike, isoltaed lifts, whatever to keep teh endorphines flowing. Natures high that we are addicted to and thats a healthy addidction. I'm thiking of you oftern and was anxious to read your post this morning.
shivers, great for you on day 6. An abusing athlete, I CAN totally relate to that. Think about what we are capable of if we rid ourselves of this garbage. World look out!
Ice may still offer some relif for a disc as it may reduce the inflamation aroind the area and help the nerve irritation. Ride the bike, isoltaed lifts, whatever to keep teh endorphines flowing. Natures high that we are addicted to and thats a healthy addidction. I'm thiking of you oftern and was anxious to read your post this morning.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Southern, WI
Posts: 168
I agree with you, i think athletes are addicts, just as any junkie, your still starving for the RUSH, and we are constantly abusing our bodies, but somehow all of this is healthy 
I went another night, and still i couldnt not sleep even alittle this time. Think i had a brief nightmare (even thought i wasnt sleeping...odd). ANd just in alot of pain. Also i'm finding it difficult to breath thanks to quitting smoking. I thought the point of all of this was to "feel better"? 7 days now and i feel no better than i did before all of this. However i do feel alot better mentally, much clearer and sharper, also my sense of humor returned, maybe sex drive too. Sense of smell returned as well. Really the only sense i care about however is a sense of well being, and that has not returned yet. Maybe try the ice trick again?...or i really dont know how to escape from this perdicament. Snowwhite, your best best is to switch narcotics to a lighter one, the suboxone is a horrible horrible drug, that will refuse to leave your system and keep you too depressed. Also get an OTC or perscribed anti depressant immediatly, and then quit from a lighter opiate if that is an option full a shorter term of action. The suboxone withdrawal really was a nightmare for me, felt never ending. The vicodin definatly showed a light at the end of the tunnel... Either way it boils down to stress management, self entertainment, and fighting father time. I'll probably relapse today, not sure what else to do. I havnt seen my daughter for the first time now in 4 years for over a week now so that i could do this... and now that i'm mentally somewhat more healed, i'm a physical mess. Not sure what to do yet, but i need to get operated on, or age 40 years in 1 day (disk will calcify to a painless state by then)
Took 3 tylanol pm's and 3 perscribed powerful IBProfins... did little to help, didnt try the ice trick yet however, i've used that for pulled muscles/tendons before and it has worked real good in the past (that and booze)
I went another night, and still i couldnt not sleep even alittle this time. Think i had a brief nightmare (even thought i wasnt sleeping...odd). ANd just in alot of pain. Also i'm finding it difficult to breath thanks to quitting smoking. I thought the point of all of this was to "feel better"? 7 days now and i feel no better than i did before all of this. However i do feel alot better mentally, much clearer and sharper, also my sense of humor returned, maybe sex drive too. Sense of smell returned as well. Really the only sense i care about however is a sense of well being, and that has not returned yet. Maybe try the ice trick again?...or i really dont know how to escape from this perdicament. Snowwhite, your best best is to switch narcotics to a lighter one, the suboxone is a horrible horrible drug, that will refuse to leave your system and keep you too depressed. Also get an OTC or perscribed anti depressant immediatly, and then quit from a lighter opiate if that is an option full a shorter term of action. The suboxone withdrawal really was a nightmare for me, felt never ending. The vicodin definatly showed a light at the end of the tunnel... Either way it boils down to stress management, self entertainment, and fighting father time. I'll probably relapse today, not sure what else to do. I havnt seen my daughter for the first time now in 4 years for over a week now so that i could do this... and now that i'm mentally somewhat more healed, i'm a physical mess. Not sure what to do yet, but i need to get operated on, or age 40 years in 1 day (disk will calcify to a painless state by then)
Took 3 tylanol pm's and 3 perscribed powerful IBProfins... did little to help, didnt try the ice trick yet however, i've used that for pulled muscles/tendons before and it has worked real good in the past (that and booze)
At Least I Think I Do
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Earth
Posts: 60
Shivers,
You think you are gonna relapse today? If you do just remember that you will begin this wild ride all over again. I hope you are doing okay - if you feel like you are in a bad spot, please post about it so that we can rah rah you back into trying to be opiate free!!!!!
I am pulling for ya bud!!!
I promise all will get better - the depression - sleeplessness - anxiety.
You think you are gonna relapse today? If you do just remember that you will begin this wild ride all over again. I hope you are doing okay - if you feel like you are in a bad spot, please post about it so that we can rah rah you back into trying to be opiate free!!!!!
I am pulling for ya bud!!!
I promise all will get better - the depression - sleeplessness - anxiety.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Wilkes Barre, PA
Posts: 7
I Can Relate
Hi shivers,
I am new to this forum. I've only been on it for a couple days. I don't know if you read any of my threads but i too am addicted to vicoden. The last couple days I started tapering off and it was mostly because I knew I didn't have that many pills left. So i started taking around 5 pills a day instead of 10-12 and this morning i had only 3 pills left and they are now gone. Even though i tapered down some i can defenatley relate to the w/d. I am getting them even though i didn't stop cold turkey. The chills, the bathroom thing, and now this morning i was severley nautious. I had to actually make myself vomit cuz i was so very nautious. Right now i just have some cramping in my stomach but my mind is what's making me crazy! I'm very moody & depressed. Last night i was really proud of my self cuz i didn't take a pill in 4 hours straight and it didn't really bother me and i thought, "wow, maybe this won't be so bad". Regardless to say, today is a different story. We have alot in common. I am 32 yrs old and have 2 children and i also live alone. I have a bf but he doesn't live with me and doesn't really know my situation. So i can understand what you're going thru. I just wanted to let u know that u are so not alone and i'm pretty much going thru the same stuff. Another quick thing, I also was on Tramadol. That is what my dr started me on to begin with. I then graduated to vicoden cuz the Tramadol wasn't working. Just be careful with it because it is addictive. I often find myself calling my dr to change me back to tramadol when i run out of vic's, ya know, using the excuse that the vic's aren't working and can i try the tramadol again. Then when it is time for my vic refill i call and ask to switch back to them cuz the tramadol isn't working. In other words, i use the tramadol in between vic's to take the edge off, so they can be just as bad. But good luck to you and maybe we can kick this together.
Question--I never in my life heard that immodium was an opiate. How is that possible?
I am new to this forum. I've only been on it for a couple days. I don't know if you read any of my threads but i too am addicted to vicoden. The last couple days I started tapering off and it was mostly because I knew I didn't have that many pills left. So i started taking around 5 pills a day instead of 10-12 and this morning i had only 3 pills left and they are now gone. Even though i tapered down some i can defenatley relate to the w/d. I am getting them even though i didn't stop cold turkey. The chills, the bathroom thing, and now this morning i was severley nautious. I had to actually make myself vomit cuz i was so very nautious. Right now i just have some cramping in my stomach but my mind is what's making me crazy! I'm very moody & depressed. Last night i was really proud of my self cuz i didn't take a pill in 4 hours straight and it didn't really bother me and i thought, "wow, maybe this won't be so bad". Regardless to say, today is a different story. We have alot in common. I am 32 yrs old and have 2 children and i also live alone. I have a bf but he doesn't live with me and doesn't really know my situation. So i can understand what you're going thru. I just wanted to let u know that u are so not alone and i'm pretty much going thru the same stuff. Another quick thing, I also was on Tramadol. That is what my dr started me on to begin with. I then graduated to vicoden cuz the Tramadol wasn't working. Just be careful with it because it is addictive. I often find myself calling my dr to change me back to tramadol when i run out of vic's, ya know, using the excuse that the vic's aren't working and can i try the tramadol again. Then when it is time for my vic refill i call and ask to switch back to them cuz the tramadol isn't working. In other words, i use the tramadol in between vic's to take the edge off, so they can be just as bad. But good luck to you and maybe we can kick this together.
Question--I never in my life heard that immodium was an opiate. How is that possible?
Love and Best Wishes!!!!!
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 206
Genesee, you were so sweet in your message, which does make so much sense to me. I am sorry to bring such sadness to this board, but I am using it to help me heal; plus there are so many good people here, whom I feel I know personally. I appreciate you caring about me! That helps inspire me so much!
Shivers, I hope I haven't hijacked your post, but I have been just like you today. The w/d were a good bit better, but I have been balled up all day in bed with this stupid bladder infection...I feel like I have the bladder of a 200 year old. Anyway, I tried EVERYTHING, I could think of, MINUS the sub: Clonopin (helped me sleep in off for only a little while), Alieve, muscle relaxer, elmiron (for chronic bladder problems which I take regularly), pyridium (which I hate). I probably left something out. Sorry about talking about my GROSS BLADDER! But I just couldn't take the pain anymore. I wasn't craving opiates in ANY way for I WAS beginning to feel a little relief from the chills, depression, and lethargy (though not ready to clean the house or anything), etc., but I laid there until midnight. I even asked my husband what to do. He wouldn't give me a definite answer...he told me to do what's best. Heck, I don't KNOW what's best anymore! SO I took a couple of pain pills. I do not have a buzz, not my intentions, but the pain is subsiding some. Thank God. I guess this is considered a relapse? Or is it a medical necessity. I guess it doesn't matter; I will pay for it in the end. Heck, I don't know. I haven't gone 16 days in years without pain pills, and I've rarely used the sub except that one time period in my life until now. But NOW I have to start all over and I just can't do it until this antibiotic "covers" up the pain once again. The NEW antibiotic just hasn't kicked in...so I was suffering. Like I PMd GotIt, the w/d are MY fault, but this infection isn't. Plus when I go to the doctor, I am sure they are going to have to give me something for pain anyway.
But one thing I DO KNOW: my intentions are true. I would have never taken a pill had I not been in excruciating pain! I feel like a failure in a sense. But like Livewire, who also lost her daughter, I feel I have suffered enough and didn't want to hurt like I was.
Oh, Shivers, I am on a good dose of antidepressants, which are starting to help. The doctor even added ANOTHER one to my other one. So be it. It's only until I get through this. Have you tried one, just temporarily to get you through this? I don't have to watch my daughter suffer anymore, and I KNOW that I want to get off these pain pills. Every time she was diagnosed, I would only numb the pain. Now I just have to learn to live without here, but I am not up all night wondering if she's going into a seizure, etc. Gees, how any 12 year olds do you know that have SEVERE osteoporosis, not to mention so many other problems that I have never mentioned. You know what...she was SO MUCH stronger than I could EVER BE...took pain until it was unbearable!!! That's hurts me...I never knew she had that da$$ bladder infection. She never complained and I know they hurt. Sadly, her death started from this bladder infection and moved to her hip joint, and I am starting to wonder about myself. I have never seen her suffer so much from pain. But I suppose her immune system may have been weaker than mine. Well, I wanted to be on the same train as you, but like you I am having pain.
I appreciate all of your advice, and I hope you start to feel better, too. I am so sorry that you haven't seen your daughter in a while. I can only imagine how that feels. But you DO need to get yourself well first, just as I do. WE can't take care of ANYONE until we FIX ourselves! Hang in there, Shivers! I am hanging in there with you and am rooting for you! Sorry to disappoint you all, but I promise I only wanted relief and couldn't get it. I just don't know. I feel I have come a long ways, like Genessee said, I have done it once and I will be able to do it again. The trick is, like you said, is to take the minimal amount I need. And I didn't even think of the sub. I know it can be good for some, but I just don't trust it...what I was told was just to good to be true!
And Tiff, hang in there. IT will get better. The worst part will be over within five days, and then you can deal with the other tiredness and depression, which will feel bad, but not nearly as bad as the first five days! Just don't give up! Lay in bed if you have to or if you are superman like Shivers you can get your endorphins up by exercising. I lie in bed when I can but I have this infection, too. But good luck! Reading so many other posts who have made if past four months or so will inspire us all who need help because they will TELL you that they are having the greatest HIGH of their life JUST being NORMAL! That's what we all need!!!
PS Do you know how good a "Depends" would feel right now? HA! JUST KIDDING!
My prayers and love to you all!!!
Shivers, I hope I haven't hijacked your post, but I have been just like you today. The w/d were a good bit better, but I have been balled up all day in bed with this stupid bladder infection...I feel like I have the bladder of a 200 year old. Anyway, I tried EVERYTHING, I could think of, MINUS the sub: Clonopin (helped me sleep in off for only a little while), Alieve, muscle relaxer, elmiron (for chronic bladder problems which I take regularly), pyridium (which I hate). I probably left something out. Sorry about talking about my GROSS BLADDER!
But I just couldn't take the pain anymore. I wasn't craving opiates in ANY way for I WAS beginning to feel a little relief from the chills, depression, and lethargy (though not ready to clean the house or anything), etc., but I laid there until midnight. I even asked my husband what to do. He wouldn't give me a definite answer...he told me to do what's best. Heck, I don't KNOW what's best anymore! SO I took a couple of pain pills. I do not have a buzz, not my intentions, but the pain is subsiding some. Thank God. I guess this is considered a relapse? Or is it a medical necessity. I guess it doesn't matter; I will pay for it in the end. Heck, I don't know. I haven't gone 16 days in years without pain pills, and I've rarely used the sub except that one time period in my life until now. But NOW I have to start all over and I just can't do it until this antibiotic "covers" up the pain once again. The NEW antibiotic just hasn't kicked in...so I was suffering. Like I PMd GotIt, the w/d are MY fault, but this infection isn't. Plus when I go to the doctor, I am sure they are going to have to give me something for pain anyway. But one thing I DO KNOW: my intentions are true. I would have never taken a pill had I not been in excruciating pain! I feel like a failure in a sense. But like Livewire, who also lost her daughter, I feel I have suffered enough and didn't want to hurt like I was.
Oh, Shivers, I am on a good dose of antidepressants, which are starting to help. The doctor even added ANOTHER one to my other one. So be it. It's only until I get through this. Have you tried one, just temporarily to get you through this? I don't have to watch my daughter suffer anymore, and I KNOW that I want to get off these pain pills. Every time she was diagnosed, I would only numb the pain. Now I just have to learn to live without here, but I am not up all night wondering if she's going into a seizure, etc. Gees, how any 12 year olds do you know that have SEVERE osteoporosis, not to mention so many other problems that I have never mentioned. You know what...she was SO MUCH stronger than I could EVER BE...took pain until it was unbearable!!! That's hurts me...I never knew she had that da$$ bladder infection. She never complained and I know they hurt. Sadly, her death started from this bladder infection and moved to her hip joint, and I am starting to wonder about myself. I have never seen her suffer so much from pain. But I suppose her immune system may have been weaker than mine. Well, I wanted to be on the same train as you, but like you I am having pain.
I appreciate all of your advice, and I hope you start to feel better, too. I am so sorry that you haven't seen your daughter in a while. I can only imagine how that feels. But you DO need to get yourself well first, just as I do. WE can't take care of ANYONE until we FIX ourselves! Hang in there, Shivers! I am hanging in there with you and am rooting for you! Sorry to disappoint you all, but I promise I only wanted relief and couldn't get it. I just don't know. I feel I have come a long ways, like Genessee said, I have done it once and I will be able to do it again. The trick is, like you said, is to take the minimal amount I need. And I didn't even think of the sub. I know it can be good for some, but I just don't trust it...what I was told was just to good to be true!
And Tiff, hang in there. IT will get better. The worst part will be over within five days, and then you can deal with the other tiredness and depression, which will feel bad, but not nearly as bad as the first five days! Just don't give up! Lay in bed if you have to or if you are superman like Shivers you can get your endorphins up by exercising. I lie in bed when I can but I have this infection, too. But good luck! Reading so many other posts who have made if past four months or so will inspire us all who need help because they will TELL you that they are having the greatest HIGH of their life JUST being NORMAL! That's what we all need!!!
PS Do you know how good a "Depends" would feel right now? HA! JUST KIDDING!
My prayers and love to you all!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Southern, WI
Posts: 168
Well superman really isnt that super. Guess we broke down around the same time. I took i think a pill 1/2 last night and maybe 4 smokes. Finally slept a full night and my back felt great. I feel really bad about myself today. I dont know if i should consider this relapse or not? Does this mean i'm going to get sick all over again for 1 pill? It really did feel good to get a full nights sleep. Seems like instead of getting better you just get other problems while trying to stay clean. I think i have a nasal and lung infection or somthing now, the one time i go a week without smoking and NOW i get a lung infection??? I think your immune system is SUPER weak when you are recovering, this is why these secondary problems occur. Not sure what to expect today, but i'm going to treat it like last night didnt happen and continue without pills or smokes. I keep forgetting about my daughter, she is my inspiration. Snowwhite I cannot comment on your child, that is simply too painful a situatation for me to even comprehend in my current state, actually, its just too painful period, i think you are the "superman/woman" for dealing with what you have gone through and having the choice to mask the pain with pills or to tough it out... i really really really dont think i could be as STRONG as you!! I try to be strong in intelligence and body, but i'm very weak emotionally. Keep me updated with how you are doing. I also drank last night and feel pretty numb (and dumb) so far. Pretty dissapointing i did this, EVERYONE was commenting how much they liked the new me, seemed like i was even alittle more confident in myself and outgoing the previous few days.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: cyberspace
Posts: 83
Reading this thread is so inspirational but yet makes me cry! Shivers- don't worry about taking one pill! You will have to just start again today, but it kinda does put you back but then also look at it like you're tapering. If you can truly not take anymore then I wouldn't so it doesn't keep setting you back. I use to be a 35+ a day hydro user back 3 years ago. I went on Subutex and the WDs were from hell. I used Vicodin back then to get off the Sub too!!! Wasn't that the worse WDS? The lethargy was the worst ever. I only wish those addictionologist were a little bit more knowledgeable of that drug but then again, it does help the worst addicts out there who constantly relapse and have no way out. So for maintenence it would be great but the WDs are hellish even with tapering. I tapered big time and chipped off the Sub tablet but still had lengthy WDs. I never went back after the Vicodin even though I had to use Vicodin to get off the Sub. I was tired of that roller coaster so much.
I'm back here only because I used another DOC and had to use Vicodin to help me get off the other crap. I'm using 60mg of Vicodin and have been tapering since. I hate being on this now and am suprised that I can even say that!
I completely understand about your kids. I also am a single parent. Shivers- you are a brave woman!!!!! In my opinion, I wouldn't worry about getting off Sub right now. Can you exchange the Suboxone to Subutex? I would just worry about getting better mentally and physically. You can taper off Sub but verrrryyyy slowly for less WDs. You will still have them but not as much as just jumping off it without tapering.
One thing at a time guys...Quitting smoking ( I quit after 17 years of a pack a day) is one addiction and opiates is another big addiction. I would just battle one addiction at a time. It is too much for stress to handle. Not only that, you may fail at one thing because you're trying to do accomplish too much and WDS from nicotine and opiates is not the best combo!!!
You're right Shivers- going through WDs lowers your immune system tremondsouly. I got the worse flus after the WDs and normally don't get sick. Start taking 2000mg of Vit C and anti-oxidants that should help your immune system. I started getting a sore throat and cold sores the other day while I was dropping my doses. I was going through slight WDs because I dropped quite a bit and started feeling sick already! I downed some Vit C for two days and it went away!!!
Snowwhite- The bladder infections are so painful!!!! How can you tolerate that without pain pills??? I'm so sorry about the loss of your child. You are such a brave woman and my condolences to your family. You are much stronger than I - I just can't even think about something like that. The main reason I use to take such large amounts of hydro in the past - I was going through a divorce and wanted to dull all my emotional pain. I couldn't even deal with that. I still can't and feel so guilty about the divorce and what I did to my kids. Constant guilt!!! I hate it.
I'm back here only because I used another DOC and had to use Vicodin to help me get off the other crap. I'm using 60mg of Vicodin and have been tapering since. I hate being on this now and am suprised that I can even say that!
I completely understand about your kids. I also am a single parent. Shivers- you are a brave woman!!!!! In my opinion, I wouldn't worry about getting off Sub right now. Can you exchange the Suboxone to Subutex? I would just worry about getting better mentally and physically. You can taper off Sub but verrrryyyy slowly for less WDs. You will still have them but not as much as just jumping off it without tapering.
One thing at a time guys...Quitting smoking ( I quit after 17 years of a pack a day) is one addiction and opiates is another big addiction. I would just battle one addiction at a time. It is too much for stress to handle. Not only that, you may fail at one thing because you're trying to do accomplish too much and WDS from nicotine and opiates is not the best combo!!!
You're right Shivers- going through WDs lowers your immune system tremondsouly. I got the worse flus after the WDs and normally don't get sick. Start taking 2000mg of Vit C and anti-oxidants that should help your immune system. I started getting a sore throat and cold sores the other day while I was dropping my doses. I was going through slight WDs because I dropped quite a bit and started feeling sick already! I downed some Vit C for two days and it went away!!!
Snowwhite- The bladder infections are so painful!!!! How can you tolerate that without pain pills??? I'm so sorry about the loss of your child. You are such a brave woman and my condolences to your family. You are much stronger than I - I just can't even think about something like that. The main reason I use to take such large amounts of hydro in the past - I was going through a divorce and wanted to dull all my emotional pain. I couldn't even deal with that. I still can't and feel so guilty about the divorce and what I did to my kids. Constant guilt!!! I hate it.
Love and Best Wishes!!!!!
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 206
Shivers, you made me cry. I am a cry baby lately! I just spoke with a friend of mine, and she told me that she didn't consider it relapse...though I am sure it might add a little more time to getting clean in my case, but not so much AT ALL, I don't believe, in your case. WE BOTH TOOK IT FOR REAL PAIN! I had to do it today, too. But Shivers, you know what the difference is: I took a normal dose, just to relieve my pain, not a handful, as I did before. So I KNOW my brain is trying to stop this madness! I believe that yours is trying so hard, too! I thought about you last night and I had a feeling you would be in the same boat as me. But it's okay. YOU HAVE PAIN, AND SO DO I! My friend, GotIt (hope you don't mind), told me that I WAS talking it for the right reason, not for anything else, though we both know the timing isn't that great, huh? So don't beat yourself down. Yes, we have a ways to go, but we CAN DO IT!
Also, IF I were you, I would go to the doctor. It sounds like you need an antibiotic. I suppose you are right: our immune systems are weak! But I had "some" of these problems before I took pills regularly, though NEVER to where I needed four antibiotics...and honestly, I do NOT feel like this one is going to work either. About the pain pills: you will know the difference IF you take it just for relief and NOT for a buzz. IF you are hurting, do what is best for you but still TRY to get rid of what is hurting you and see a doctor tomorrow. I just felt I needed to take something or I could just lie and suffer all night...couldn't take it anymore. Just don't eat them like I suppose you did as I did, too. Pain is pain. But don't you ever give up. You have me as an example to work with you on this. And believe me, IF I can be fixed, ANYONE CAN BE FIXED!!!! We are at the same stage in many ways. I did, btw, feel just a little more chills this morning, but it wasn't that bad. PLUS, I took more than you did, but only enough to relieve the pain...high tolerance, though I can tell it's lowered over the 16 days! Incredible! The bladder was bad today, so I took my dose again today. I know we are in between a rock and a hard place. We, in the best of circumstances, needed months before we came down with a sickness before we HAVE to take a pain pill, but unfortunatly that didn't happen for us. So we will deal with it. I told you that I was going to a specialist soon (but not soon enough) and there is no way in he!! a doctor is going there without giving me something for pain! So first I have to get rid of the pain. Heck for all I know, I walked around with this for months, which I believe I did, but I was taking so many pain pills, I was numbing the pain. BTW, I do not think you will be that affected by one pill, maybe only psychologically beating yourself down. So get that out of your head! Get your infection healed so you will feel better.
Shivers, I do appreciate you mentioning my daughter and I understand you have a hard time even commenting. But that's okay. I am sure I have RUN IT IN THE GROUND HERE, but I still hurt so badly. It helps me when I talk about it because my husband won't even listen to me; it upsets him (although he's the stepfather...but has been in her life for about six years...and it wasn't hard to fall in love with her). But I think though if I were superwoman, I would have never taken those damn pills! That was my worst fault. Like YOU, I COULD NOT HANDLE IT THE EMOTIONS of what I had to go through with her! It was UNBELIEVABLE! It was one darn thing after another...beat me down like a dog. You don't have to reply to this part. I KNOW you care, and that means so much to me.
But I have to say this: when my child got sick, my family went totally WACKO...blaming someone always for anything that happened to her, even seizures. Oh, my nutty mom, blamed my precious friend and caregiver for giving her the bladder infection by not washing the dishes properly! My dad cursed out my other helper and friend for no reason while we were in the hospital for months...she quit; then came back, sadly only to watch her die. But those who criticized us all didn't wipe her mouth or change her diaper, not even when she was in the hospital. They just loved to blame people, but not help with her! Lord, you would die if you knew the half of their crazy antics. Some of it was so INSANE, that it's almost funny now! I would pop more pills, too, when crap like this happened. Unreal...maybe I will have the heart to tell the story of what my dad did to me last year that really was so wrong and so terrible. That was the 2nd time I disrespected him...and honestly never wanted to see him again. But now they really looked so stupid to all the profesionals, not just by me or my helpers. So, anyway, it's good to get a pat on the back, not trying to be vain or selfish, though I know I had so many problems with this situation and wasn't that super. I don't believe my dad, who did love her so much, has told me once that he was proud of me for sticking by her (I always would have) and by not putting her in an institution like many people would have done, including my drunk loser ex-husband, who admited so and whom my friend saw partying it UP a WEEK AND A HALF AFTER HER FUNERAL...I wanted to cry. HOW COULD HE! Can YOU BELIEVE THAT!! She has a trust that I set up (took me 6 long years of unbelievable work), not him, and he is so stupid to think there's going to be something left for him after all is settled. I really and truly believe he's GLAD she is gone. He is THAT DAMN SELFISH! Jerk. Anyway, my dad only says how it's killing HIM. That hurts, too. But the real people who actually helped me all know what LOVE for her really was. I know my family is grieving, but they didn't live with her or help with her. My dad came maybe once a month for 15 minutes (too busy traveling, golfing)...though I do not question that he loved her. I guess he just doesn't love me. But at least I have learned to stand up to him and he used to be my idol. Heck, I have probably already been cut out of his will (don't give a rip) and I've only disrespected him twice in my life, and he deserved every bit of it though I do love him still. So anyway, thanks for giving me a compliment. I was certainly not perfect, but I loved her so much! Sorry for the rambling about my family. I think the ANGER stage of grieving is mixing in there.
Take care of yourself; you didn't do so badly last night. I like you a lot...I didn't know the OLD you, but you still are a great person...the pills are just too controlling, but they are NOT you. Just because you have an addiction problem doesn't make you a bad person in any way. So many people fail, but get back up and succeed! YOU WILL DO IT, SHIVERS, and SO WILL I!
Also, IF I were you, I would go to the doctor. It sounds like you need an antibiotic. I suppose you are right: our immune systems are weak! But I had "some" of these problems before I took pills regularly, though NEVER to where I needed four antibiotics...and honestly, I do NOT feel like this one is going to work either. About the pain pills: you will know the difference IF you take it just for relief and NOT for a buzz. IF you are hurting, do what is best for you but still TRY to get rid of what is hurting you and see a doctor tomorrow. I just felt I needed to take something or I could just lie and suffer all night...couldn't take it anymore. Just don't eat them like I suppose you did as I did, too. Pain is pain. But don't you ever give up. You have me as an example to work with you on this. And believe me, IF I can be fixed, ANYONE CAN BE FIXED!!!! We are at the same stage in many ways. I did, btw, feel just a little more chills this morning, but it wasn't that bad. PLUS, I took more than you did, but only enough to relieve the pain...high tolerance, though I can tell it's lowered over the 16 days! Incredible! The bladder was bad today, so I took my dose again today. I know we are in between a rock and a hard place. We, in the best of circumstances, needed months before we came down with a sickness before we HAVE to take a pain pill, but unfortunatly that didn't happen for us. So we will deal with it. I told you that I was going to a specialist soon (but not soon enough) and there is no way in he!! a doctor is going there without giving me something for pain! So first I have to get rid of the pain. Heck for all I know, I walked around with this for months, which I believe I did, but I was taking so many pain pills, I was numbing the pain. BTW, I do not think you will be that affected by one pill, maybe only psychologically beating yourself down. So get that out of your head! Get your infection healed so you will feel better.
Shivers, I do appreciate you mentioning my daughter and I understand you have a hard time even commenting. But that's okay. I am sure I have RUN IT IN THE GROUND HERE, but I still hurt so badly. It helps me when I talk about it because my husband won't even listen to me; it upsets him (although he's the stepfather...but has been in her life for about six years...and it wasn't hard to fall in love with her). But I think though if I were superwoman, I would have never taken those damn pills! That was my worst fault. Like YOU, I COULD NOT HANDLE IT THE EMOTIONS of what I had to go through with her! It was UNBELIEVABLE! It was one darn thing after another...beat me down like a dog. You don't have to reply to this part. I KNOW you care, and that means so much to me.
But I have to say this: when my child got sick, my family went totally WACKO...blaming someone always for anything that happened to her, even seizures. Oh, my nutty mom, blamed my precious friend and caregiver for giving her the bladder infection by not washing the dishes properly! My dad cursed out my other helper and friend for no reason while we were in the hospital for months...she quit; then came back, sadly only to watch her die. But those who criticized us all didn't wipe her mouth or change her diaper, not even when she was in the hospital. They just loved to blame people, but not help with her! Lord, you would die if you knew the half of their crazy antics. Some of it was so INSANE, that it's almost funny now! I would pop more pills, too, when crap like this happened. Unreal...maybe I will have the heart to tell the story of what my dad did to me last year that really was so wrong and so terrible. That was the 2nd time I disrespected him...and honestly never wanted to see him again. But now they really looked so stupid to all the profesionals, not just by me or my helpers. So, anyway, it's good to get a pat on the back, not trying to be vain or selfish, though I know I had so many problems with this situation and wasn't that super.
I don't believe my dad, who did love her so much, has told me once that he was proud of me for sticking by her (I always would have) and by not putting her in an institution like many people would have done, including my drunk loser ex-husband, who admited so and whom my friend saw partying it UP a WEEK AND A HALF AFTER HER FUNERAL...I wanted to cry. HOW COULD HE! Can YOU BELIEVE THAT!! She has a trust that I set up (took me 6 long years of unbelievable work), not him, and he is so stupid to think there's going to be something left for him after all is settled. I really and truly believe he's GLAD she is gone. He is THAT DAMN SELFISH! Jerk. Anyway, my dad only says how it's killing HIM. That hurts, too. But the real people who actually helped me all know what LOVE for her really was. I know my family is grieving, but they didn't live with her or help with her. My dad came maybe once a month for 15 minutes (too busy traveling, golfing)...though I do not question that he loved her. I guess he just doesn't love me. But at least I have learned to stand up to him and he used to be my idol. Heck, I have probably already been cut out of his will (don't give a rip) and I've only disrespected him twice in my life, and he deserved every bit of it though I do love him still. So anyway, thanks for giving me a compliment. I was certainly not perfect, but I loved her so much! Sorry for the rambling about my family. I think the ANGER stage of grieving is mixing in there. Take care of yourself; you didn't do so badly last night. I like you a lot...I didn't know the OLD you, but you still are a great person...the pills are just too controlling, but they are NOT you. Just because you have an addiction problem doesn't make you a bad person in any way. So many people fail, but get back up and succeed! YOU WILL DO IT, SHIVERS, and SO WILL I!
Love and Best Wishes!!!!!
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 206
Agent, thanks sweetheart! You know what I tell mothers who say that they couldn't have done what I did (she became handicapped after three vaccines from a negligent doctor...the vaccine is no longer given, btw): I tell them this is still the same baby they had when they gave birth to him/her and you JUST CAN'T UNLOVE your child, unless you have NO HEART. You only tend to love them extremely more because you fight for everything that helps them. YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME, and probably, like me, would have hidden with pain pills, too! But the pain of her death is so unreal!! But it helps me to come here. I have so much healing, grief, pills, no confidence like I used to have, and you name it.
About these stupid bladder infections, I bet I get about 5-7 a year! God, I HATE them and I am scared to death to go to the urologist. I can only imagine that pain! I AM feeling less guilty because I am in pain. But like I said, I normally would eat them like candy, but I only took two today so far, after 16 days of success (painful success, but nevertheless, a new leaf for me)! I just hate that it will set me back a lot. But, oh, well, that's life! I have vowed to myself that I won't abuse, just use as needed.
And lastly I wanted to tell you this. I KNOW a divorce hurts. I didn't even love my ex and it hurt like heck. But think of this...you didn't lose your children...and that's a blessing. Sorry, but you CAN replace him, just not your child. (Sorry if that sounds bad.) But I DO KNOW it is SO HARD!!! You will get through. I heard on Oprah that it takes about 2 years to find yourself after a divorce and I believe that! That's when I got stronger! You will get though it. It's hard on a woman in so many ways and you just need to feel secure and have self-confidence. I will have you in my heart and hope to talk to you more! Be strong! Thank God for those babies of yours!!!! And let the guilt go...along with the pills! Who knows what God has in store for you. Just imagine, I bet one day you will look back and wonder how you made it and will form new friendships and will look back and see that things happen for a reason. (Lord knows I am told this often, but I have found this to be true in many cases, though not all.)
All my love!
About these stupid bladder infections, I bet I get about 5-7 a year! God, I HATE them and I am scared to death to go to the urologist. I can only imagine that pain! I AM feeling less guilty because I am in pain. But like I said, I normally would eat them like candy, but I only took two today so far, after 16 days of success (painful success, but nevertheless, a new leaf for me)! I just hate that it will set me back a lot. But, oh, well, that's life! I have vowed to myself that I won't abuse, just use as needed.
And lastly I wanted to tell you this. I KNOW a divorce hurts. I didn't even love my ex and it hurt like heck. But think of this...you didn't lose your children...and that's a blessing. Sorry, but you CAN replace him, just not your child. (Sorry if that sounds bad.) But I DO KNOW it is SO HARD!!! You will get through. I heard on Oprah that it takes about 2 years to find yourself after a divorce and I believe that! That's when I got stronger! You will get though it. It's hard on a woman in so many ways and you just need to feel secure and have self-confidence. I will have you in my heart and hope to talk to you more! Be strong! Thank God for those babies of yours!!!!
And let the guilt go...along with the pills! Who knows what God has in store for you. Just imagine, I bet one day you will look back and wonder how you made it and will form new friendships and will look back and see that things happen for a reason. (Lord knows I am told this often, but I have found this to be true in many cases, though not all.)All my love!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Southern, WI
Posts: 168
First off you guys do realize i'm a man not a woman hehe! althought emotionallly i feel....well i wont go there haha. No pills today, no smokes today. Felt a tiny chill today but zero lack of energy and with the beautiful weather i seem to be feeding antidepressants or narcotics from the sun alone. I get that seasonal depression thing, so i guess when i think about this i'm not all that surprised i've made it this far considering the beautiful weather.... its much much harder for me in the winter... Well my back is hurting, but i'm starting to forget alittle about the pain. I plan to make it today with no pills, no smokes, and i really dont feel WD wise like i relasped at all!! Feel actually better than i did yesterday. I have no idea why i'm getting broncitius , pretty unfair when you try to live a healthy life only to get beat down by your own weakened immune system. So far i have a positive outlook, especially on smoking, and I got very little sleep last night as i was ...out racing motorcycles till 5am :P ... listen guys i think the lack of sleep thing helps, i think lying around all day for days and days is what makes pain WORSE and also makes you more tired and uncomfortable...I think you need one day where you DONT lie down, and dont "sleep it off" force yourself to stay awake, maybe the 3rd night I'd suggest this, just try to stay awake, then by the 4th night your sleep pattern should be normal for compensating for the too much sleep you had the previous 3 days... and in theory your energy would return. So far i think i got this thing beat, but then again i'm a long long way away from saying that as this is only week 1 down.
Thanks for everyones support!
Thanks for everyones support!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Southern, WI
Posts: 168
Day 9? Still clean, bad PAWS today, my back hurts, i dont feel very motivated to do anything. I keep waking up too early... I'm not really sure i like ...being "normal", i'm broken up physically and mentally, and criplled shell of what i was before. Also when does this bathroom trip thing end? I cant believe i'm still have that diarrea after all this time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: cyberspace
Posts: 83
Hey guys!
You both are doing so well ! You guys should be so proud of yourselves. Tapering and going through WDs is monumental achievements!!!
I know what you mean about the constant insomnia. I slept for like a couple of hours yesterday and it wasn't REM- deep sleep. It was alpha waves only and didn't feel like I slept. I'm so tired and trying to taper , going through WDs is so hard when you're so dang tired! Its hell when you can't sleep.
Shivers- we know you're a dude because you sound like one! Even with emotions- nothing wrong with that- you're just more of a sensitive type of guy! I sure know what broken up means- my body is breaking down on a daily basis but then again, I'm older than you so I'm more screwed than you!
For the bathroom problem- why not take some Immodium AD? Even though it is an opiod- you can't get a buzz off it! It does help with your WDs (even PAWS) but take more than one- you may need like 3 and that should help you tremondously. If you continue to use it, you have to taper off it and that's easy.
Snowwhite- You are such a strong woman! Have you ever thought about being a counselor for bereavement? You can help so many grieving families who lost their loved ones. I give you so much credit for being such a wonderful mother. Thanks for your kinds words. I'm over my divorce now! I am actually engaged now to a wonderful man and he just loves my kids. I feel very blessed to know that I survived that crap!
5-7 bladder infections a year???? That is pure pain from hell that you have to go through! Do you have stock of meds at home to help you with your infection?
You both are doing great! You should be so proud that you both have come so far!!
You both are doing so well ! You guys should be so proud of yourselves. Tapering and going through WDs is monumental achievements!!!
I know what you mean about the constant insomnia. I slept for like a couple of hours yesterday and it wasn't REM- deep sleep. It was alpha waves only and didn't feel like I slept. I'm so tired and trying to taper , going through WDs is so hard when you're so dang tired! Its hell when you can't sleep.
Shivers- we know you're a dude because you sound like one! Even with emotions- nothing wrong with that- you're just more of a sensitive type of guy! I sure know what broken up means- my body is breaking down on a daily basis but then again, I'm older than you so I'm more screwed than you!
For the bathroom problem- why not take some Immodium AD? Even though it is an opiod- you can't get a buzz off it! It does help with your WDs (even PAWS) but take more than one- you may need like 3 and that should help you tremondously. If you continue to use it, you have to taper off it and that's easy.
Snowwhite- You are such a strong woman! Have you ever thought about being a counselor for bereavement? You can help so many grieving families who lost their loved ones. I give you so much credit for being such a wonderful mother. Thanks for your kinds words. I'm over my divorce now! I am actually engaged now to a wonderful man and he just loves my kids. I feel very blessed to know that I survived that crap!
5-7 bladder infections a year???? That is pure pain from hell that you have to go through! Do you have stock of meds at home to help you with your infection?
You both are doing great! You should be so proud that you both have come so far!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Southern, WI
Posts: 168
i'm so stubborn, i'm afraid of the immodium... i honestly figure if i use it, why not just start taking pills again since i'm only making this process longer. Have real bad cravings today for some reason, not for smokes but for a vicodin...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Terminus, GA
Posts: 522
Shivers,
Immodium is pretty harmless, and sure helps with GI distress! I've used it for WDs and never had a problem. Like you, I wanted to be 100% "clean". Or, you can ask your doc about Levbid and other anti-spasmodics that work on the parasympathetic nervous system. No opiates at all.
Methylcellulose bulk-producing laxatives may paradoxically slow transport through in the GI tract. Eat rice, apples, bananas, etc. - stuff that isn't irritating.
Hope you feel better.
- Buzz
Immodium is pretty harmless, and sure helps with GI distress! I've used it for WDs and never had a problem. Like you, I wanted to be 100% "clean". Or, you can ask your doc about Levbid and other anti-spasmodics that work on the parasympathetic nervous system. No opiates at all.
Methylcellulose bulk-producing laxatives may paradoxically slow transport through in the GI tract. Eat rice, apples, bananas, etc. - stuff that isn't irritating.
Hope you feel better.
- Buzz
Love and Best Wishes!!!!!
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by shivers
... I'm not really sure i like ...being "normal", i'm broken up physically and mentally, and criplled shell of what i was before. Also when does this bathroom trip thing end? I cant believe i'm still have that diarrea after all this time.
I choose neither!) Your quote above really hit me hard when you said you are not sure if you like being normal. That has been SO TRUE, so true for me, and I know exactly how you feel, but I don't want you to feel like this. You and I BOTH have gotten SO COMFORTABLE LIVING IN DISCOMFORT, that it's hard to break free of this. Is there ANYTHING in your life, your house, you can CHANGE that keeps you from wanting to feel normal. Like for example, I did not want to feel normal because as hard as I tried, I couldn't handle my daughter being handicapped or change it and I constantly suffered. Now she is gone. I am going to grieve maybe for my entire life, he!! I don't know...but not watching her suffer is one thing (sadly) that does help me not need the pills. However, like you, I have grown accustomed to having them in my system always and I do NOT KNOW what NORMAL is ANYMORE! That scares me, too. But, Shivers, like me, you have that HEALTHY little girl to live for and I can FEEL the love you have for her. So that is a HUGE motivation. I couldn't change my child...so I had no motivation...nothing changed sadly and I was too weak. But TRY to figure out WHAT the heck is holding you back from wanting to be normal and try to change it! It's a DEADLY trap, Shivers, and I have been there for 12 years and it scared and still does the heck out of me! But you have to think of something (which includes your daughter) that makes your life worth living or get rid of what is making you feel like you don't want it. BTW, all these people HERE on this board who have been free for months give me hope because they enjoy their days so much better and are beginning to love their lives.
As far as the pills go, way to go! Now you are ahead of me! I AM proud of you! Don't go back! I feel a tiny bit of relief with my bladder, so I think I will start the cycle of trying to quit tomorrow. Heck, I am depressed anyway over my daughter, so how much worse can it get. I just hate the fact that in the middle of this I am going to see a urologist and that will be so painful, so I may have ANOTHER setback! So that makes it harder. But I figure, the longer I stay clean, IF I do have to take pain medicine to get through this, the less harm it will do, I pray! When I have real, bad pain like I had two days ago, it's was a VERY DIFFICULT decision for me because I knew it would set me back and sure it has. Knowing my luck, I will be carrying around a da$$ bag the rest of my life to pee in! I would just DIE...wouldn't that be awful! Oh, God, please, NO!!!
I shouldn't even joke about that...because I would freak out!Today I felt the w/d coming back more, so yes, a setback for me, but they weren't as bad as I have felt before! The pain has lessened, but not gone...but I think I can survive and start over tomorrow. I am just going to make it through today and tomorrow I will wish for success. I have SO MUCH to change in my life right now or to fix that it's overwhelming. I mean, imagine even trying to quit pain pills right after losing a child. But I do have one thought about it: FAITH...IF I can do it 16 days on my own, I can do it again though it felt like years. I just hope it won't be as bad as last time. It really suc@#, for lack of better word, that I was getting there, still having some uncomfortable w/d though, but had I waited 10 more days...I would have know how my body would have felt. I hope it's NO LONGER than a month. I used to stop and in 3 days I would be fine. Not now! I couldn't believe that after 16 days, for me, I was still in w/d! It's awful.
I had to laugh about you being a woman. Don't worry; you are very masculine! I could tell...so don't get confused! Just kidding
Agent, hang in there and make this a priority. You can do it. It is tough, but we need to feel the sensation of waking up in the morning feeling like we WANT to face the day. I haven't felt that way in so long! Congratulations on your engagement! That is wonderful! I hope you have a happy, lasting marriage. That is so great!
As far as me being strong, I feel like a failure and so weak in so many ways. The main reason is the pain pills. I know my life would have been so different if I could have faced it differently. Trust me, I tried. the pain pills didn't happen overnight. It may sound like a lame excuse, but it's the way I felt. Thank you also for your kind words. Despite my problems I can say I stuck by my child and no matter what happened to her, I only loved her more!
Yep, I hate my bladder. I don't understand it for the life of me. I had problems prior to this, though not this bad, before the pain pills, so whatever it is, I don't know. I do have medicine that the doctor gave me, but the antibiotics only cover it up for a few days and bam, it hits again. I had it the whole time my child was in the hospital from Jan to March, but I covered it up with pain meds and some left over antibiotics that I had. I had to get through.. I am just disappointed that it was so badly painful that I ruined my 16 days, but I am not giving up yet! I do WANT to get there even though like Shiver's said about feeling normal: it's so darn scary for me! I don't even know what it's like anymore. If I could I would go to a counseling/detox hide-away for about 3 months...but I can't.
So you have to take me off your proud list!
But honestly, 16 days was a new start for me. I just wish I would have felt good on that day, as far as w/d go. But I WAS getting there. Maybe it won't be as big of a set back since it's for three days, but I will probably have some difficulty. Agent, I never thought about the counselor issue, but in the future (when I am well) I wouldn't mind helping a family who lost a child, especially one with special needs. I have NO IDEA what I am going to do now. I gave up my career and have to start all over. But I am NOT going to try for a new career until I am SURE I am well and ready! It does seem like God would help me get though this pain stuff and give me a new purpose in life, but right now, I don't know where the heck I am going. I hope I find some happiness/purpose after all this loss that was and will always be ongoing. And the sad part is, I was ALWAYS driven to be successful. But I threw that away a long time ago.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Southern, WI
Posts: 168
GI track sounds like such a cool thing... like GI JOE! unfortunately my back still feels like ****, i'm almost shitting my pants all day long each day, my stomach hurts.... and oddly i feel kinda tingly today, and I get cold chills easily. If this is what i have to look forward to the rest of my life (well maybe not the diararrea) then count me out. I think i'm done with the smoking, but NOTHING NOTHING is working for my back, i put on ice and a "lidocaine" patch and immodium last night, still hurts like hell, buti fell asleep, then woke up early to back pain that would not subside. What am I supposed to do? Maybe the doctor was right for putting me on this horrible ****.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Southern, WI
Posts: 168
doing this for my daughter, but not sure how i should proceed next. I'm moving around like a 80 year old man... Can these pills effect my physical health as well? Will i die younger? I'm doing this for her, but i dont know if i'm doing the right thing. I know for sure smoking is stupid and pointless, serves no real benefit to me. The pills however are not given to any ol addict off the streets, i obviously have a real problem that these pills have made me forget about for years as i've lead a realatively happy life.... allthough hazy and moody at times...
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