HurricaneJ

I have so much running through my mind right now. Hoping to get some advice from people who’ve gone through it.

I’m in a complicated relationship with someone who is a recovering heroin/ benzo addict. He recently finished up a 6 month rehab program and moved out of sober living.

As far as I know he has remained sober, but he’s so withdrawn from me now. He reached out to me for my birthday last week and was really sweet, but over all I feel like he never wants to talk about anything anymore. I also feel like I’m not getting honest answers out of him. I’ll ask him how work is going and all he’ll say is “fine” and “good”. I don’t pry and I don’t push, but it always leaves me with a feeling of uneasiness. My gut tells me something is wrong.

I guess I’m just not sure how to handle this. I don’t want to bombard him with questions and push him away, but at the same time I’m left feeling so confused and uneasy. Just a few weeks ago we were literally closer than we’ve ever been. I don’t know where things went wrong.

Anyone have any suggestions on how I should handle this? Is this common? I’m just trying to get a sense of what’s going on in his head.

BlownOne

It's very common in my experience. Often times early sobriety is such a radical change for anyone in recovery that they have all they can do processing life sober early on, and things that aren't a priority in the business of staying sober tend to get put on the back burner. It's more than likely not personal. Early sobriety is a challenge for many of us, and it pretty much takes all of our energy and focus to maintain a course of recovery early on. That being said, it's only my own experience. I could never say for certain what your BF is actually going thru. It's only one possibility. Wish you well.

atalose

Not sure how long you have been together but he is in early recovery and sadly working on a relationship isn’t going to be his top priority.

teatreeoil007

It might be helpful to keep in mind that his brain is still going through a lot of repair work at only 6 months out. When someone is using substances for awhile and then the substance is taken away, it creates a type of vacuum. It takes time for a person to really feel "normal" again, let alone "good". The severity and length of use will have some impact on just how long it takes for him to feel up to his normal self and thus up to dealing with relationship type stuff...as relationships do take effort, time, etc. For many in early recovery, it's all they can do to take care of their own basic needs and perhaps hold down a job, for instance; just getting through tasks of daily living.

I know this is hard on significant others...so hang in there.

As with most everything in life, it often boils down to doing what you CAN do for YOURSELF and finding joy in living and fulfillment with or without anyone else in the picture. And, indeed, we tend to attract the most healthy relationships when we are complete and healthy in and of ourselves. Your relationship with him: only time will tell if it pans out. In the meantime, take care of YOU; put yourself first and don't feel guilty for that.

DopelesHopefien

The glow of new sobriety is fading and life is coming at him. It's not all rainbows and unicorns. He could be struggling with something that has NOTHING to do with your relationship. When I first got clean, my GF at the time constantly did what you're doing now (it's natural, I get it) and as a non addict I couldn't really talk to her about it because she didn't get it. But it's not you most likely. Promise.

teatreeoil007

I’ll ask him how work is going and all he’ll say is “fine” and “good”. I don’t pry and I don’t push, but it always leaves me with a feeling of uneasiness. My gut tells me something is wrong. -hj

You know him a lot better than we do. In many cases we can go with our gut feelings. But, in other cases, we can just take them literally when they say things like, "fine" and "good". It's possible that his job is fine and good and that's okay or maybe as good as can be expected. I don't know what he does for a living.

I say this gently. Perhaps be open to the possibility that he is simply different now than he was. There has been a big change. And, at six months out he will continue to change and adjust. Whether or not your relationship will continue to weather the changes is open to be seen.

But, another thing, if I remember correctly, in one of your other threads you had posted that he was entertaining the idea that he would be fine to start drinking alcohol....and maybe that is where this uneasiness is coming from...it's a red flag, really. Alcohol is just as addictive as any other substance...so him turning to alcohol is a very slippery slope. Clean and sober is clean and sober. Alcohol is very much a drug, even though it wasn't his drug of choice before. So, I don't know where he's at with that. But I hope he stays away from anything that could be addicting.

teatreeoil007

I've come to view addiction as a brain problem. Any substance that crosses the blood brain barrier can change the chemistry in the brain. And this can impact many behaviors we see in addicts and recovering addicts. He was so accustomed to functioning with a substance. Now he's learning to walk without that "crutch". I think of brain injuries and some brain injuries take a long time to recover from. And, there is no set time line for when a person gets full functioning back. He could also be looking at depression as there are changes in brain chemistry that have occurred. Or, like someone already pointed out: It could have nothing at all to do with addiction, but there could be other things going on in his life he is dealing with that for whatever reason he hasn't felt totally free to open up to you about. For example, he may not feel free to talk to you about work. Maybe he thinks you won't understand; aren't interested in his work; and that may not be a fair assumption on his part, but that could be it. Some people don't like to "dump" on others about what all is going on that they are dealing with. Maybe he feels he shouldn't lean on you too much and doesn't want to burden you with anything. Could be anything, really.

HurricaneJ

Thank you all for the responses. I think it has a lot to do with him being overwhelmed, very difficult to not take personally, but I do get it.

I've been trying to step back, and not push too hard with the questions. I keep telling myself that maybe this is just one of those things he has to handle on his own. It's scary though because I worry about the perceived depression & isolation. He gets up & goes to work...that's pretty much it. Maybe that's all he can handle right now, but I do worry so much.

He doesn't seem particularly willing to chat about his feelings, so I don't think there's much I can do. I'm focusing on myself, and trying to be angry with him when I haven't heard from him as much as I'd like.

Is there anything else I can do?

HurricaneJ

Another thing: I always expect him to make progress faster than he does. A part of me is still surprised he's still having difficulties this far down the line.

Admitting that he still has things to work on is especially scary for me since he is not in a residential treatment center anymore. I worry about his ability to handle these difficulties outside of sober living.