Brooklynd77

I've been posting here off and on about my ex drug addict - trying to understand, trying to gain some peace. It's been a huge emotional roller coaster. And now I have the opportunity to get the sober amends I've been looking for for the last 4 months.
He's been using for 20 years off and on (mostly on). Now he's finally enrolled in a 3 month long rehab stint. He's only been in for a week and a half and wants to make amends. He has no access to a phone so he's reached out to a friend to get a hold of me to attain my address so he can write me/ to make amends.
I'm trying to figure out what to do, as I'd love to get amends while he's completely sober, but another part of me says no. With all he's put me through and how little of time he's been sober, I don't feel it's the right time. I feel he needs to think on things a bit longer, to get more cleared headed to really see what he did while we were together. I'm aware he may go right back to using upon release and I'm trying to decide if I ever want to let him back into my life, even through written correspondence. But the amends would be nice...
Not sure what to do.

AnvilheadII

yeah..........no. he may be sincere about wanting to stay in touch with you, for various reasons, but he by no means has a clue about a true amends. actually if you have expressly told him to leave you alone, he should be honoring that.

so no. not something YOU need in YOUR life right now.

tomsteve

so, there i was about a month sober wanting to make amends to my by-then ex fiance- the one who tossed me out the day after my last drunk. i had heard about amends at meetings and read a bit about em in the big book.
so i wrote a letter and mailed it. that night at ameeting the topic was making amends. one common thing those that had been sober quite some time and had worked the steps said:
amends isnt saying im sorry for this,that, and the other action
it hit me like a ton of bricks. what hit me was a memory of the day after another rip snortin blackout drunk- one a little while before she tossed me out- me saying "im sorry" a jillion times and my ( soon to be ex) fiance lookin right into my eyes and sayin,"youre ******* right youre sorry."
i wanted to chase down that letter because thats ALL that it contained- a whole crapton of "im sorry for_______". i had absolutely no understanding of what amends were or how they were demonstrated that early into recovery. i sincerely and honestly wanted to make amends, but i had no knowledge of how that was done- i did it MY way.
one thing ive noticed with some rehabs that have a 12 step based recovery base is clients get rushed through the steps. ive heard more than once the steps are done in a group setting and the clients really dont gain knowledge or understanding of what they are doing.

brook, im sure amends would be nice, but do YOU know what amends are? im thinking that by saying,". I'm aware he may go right back to using upon release ' you may have a misunderstanding of what amends are?

amend- to put right; to change or modify .
amends are changing- changing ME- MY actions and MY thinking. it is saying how i was wrong, why i was wrong, and what ive done to change.
there was absolutely no way i could see where,how,and why i was wrong AND change my actions and thinking in a few weeks.

something to think about:
would you rather hear amends from someone who is sober or someone who is working on their recovery?

PhoenixJ

With virgin sobriety comes a rush of guilt, shame, remorse. The amends bit- in context with AA steps is to get a person to face up, ;fess up- to show remorse and accountability. Emotional child like reactions happens- everything is more colourful or darker or happier... What YOU do- should not depend on his recovery but what YOU want to do. Some do not want to hear amends, do not care, would rather the person would just go away.....
Perhaps tell the friend how you feel, as in too early- without getting trapped in that cycle of being involved. Mind - too early, that indicates a willingness to have some contact in the future. Support to you.

atalose

Listen to the part that is saying NO, that is your instinct, trust it!!!!

Maudcat

Seems a bit early in the program to make sincere amends. Assume he isn't doing 12 step?
You don't have to accept the amends if you don't feel ready.

Brooklynd77

Thank you for your responses.
As I have been telling him I'm tired of his "I'm sorrys" and that I want to see actions behind his apologies. But you're right in saying that maybe I don't exactly understand amends if I feel he's going to go out and use.
His father did get ahold of me and explained the situation to me further. Apparently he got so deep in his addiction, he moved into a "meth house". I didn't even know he had moved to meth. I was heart broken. Then he proceeded to tell me that he had overdosed and almost died.
He was a chef, a well known chef, he had burned so many bridges due to his drug use - but even still, his chef friends and community heard of this and banned together to raise money, find him a good rehab and had an intervention with all of them and his family. I was so saddened to hear he had gotten to such a terrible place in life, but moved by the effort of his friends.
His father convinced me that maybe giving him my work address might be good, as he said he's just wanting to reach out and write to people when he can.
I decided it would be good for me to get some sort of letter from him, as I'm sure there will be some sort of amends. And if he goes back to using after this stint in rehab, even overdoes or much worse dies, I'll have this letter as some sort of peace. I do care for this guy, but I've decided I'm not responding. I won't let him back into my life for fear he will just go back to the same life afterwards.