"Relapse"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
"Relapse"
So I slipped up after having almost two years clean. I drank maybe a glass and a half of wine last Thursday then like maybe half a bottle on Saturday and a bottle tonight. However I am rationalizing that it's "just" alcohol and it's "just" wine. I never worked the 12 steps and just moved out of halfway hosue a month ago. I have a sponsor now and I didn't and don't plan on telling her I've been drinking. Somehow I'm rationalizing this to make it feel like it's not a relapsed because I have not done drugs or gotten drunk. I am in the middle of my 4th step with my sponsor. I feel like maybe I'm not a real addict and that I can drink in moderation and smoke weed but stay away from the hard stuff. But like also part of me knows that I am. I just don't trust my sponsor not to tell my parents who can't know. I haven't told anyone besides you all and my boyfriend who drank with me
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Fenway.
You are a month out of a halfway house, and you have picked up.
Could be wine, could be beer, could be vodka. Doesn't matter.
It's all alcohol.
I'm assuming that overdrinking or using drugs was what led you to rehab and the halfway house?
Sounds like drinking and weed just isn't in the cards for you.
You are a month out of a halfway house, and you have picked up.
Could be wine, could be beer, could be vodka. Doesn't matter.
It's all alcohol.
I'm assuming that overdrinking or using drugs was what led you to rehab and the halfway house?
Sounds like drinking and weed just isn't in the cards for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
I overdosed on heroin in June of 2015 and they sent me to detox then I relapsed on heroin in oct 2015 but only used for about a week, then I was clean until last week.
I guess my thinking is that if I'm not sticking a needle in my arm I'm okay. But I had a problem with alcohol long before the drugs came into play.
It's just so easy to rationalize all this.
I guess my thinking is that if I'm not sticking a needle in my arm I'm okay. But I had a problem with alcohol long before the drugs came into play.
It's just so easy to rationalize all this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
It is. Accepting that I couldn't drink again ever was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
I guess the argument could be made that heroin trumps alcohol or weed, but,imo, they are all addictive substances and best avoided.
Good luck.
Peace.
I guess the argument could be made that heroin trumps alcohol or weed, but,imo, they are all addictive substances and best avoided.
Good luck.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
relapse ends with a drink.
rationalization is giving a socially acceptable reason for socially unacceptable behavior, and socially unacceptable behavior is a form of insanity.
"It's just so easy to rationalize all this."
you can rationalize it all ya want, but ya cant get drunk or high unless you act on the rationalizing thoughts.
im willing to bet there was a long time before the 1st rationalizing thought and the time ya drank,eh? more like a pre meditated drunk?
and your parents cant know why? ya know the program talks quite a bit about honesty,right?
2 years clean and just now doing the 4th step.
what was the holdup? i think i would have been drunk,too, if it dragged my feet.
rationalization is giving a socially acceptable reason for socially unacceptable behavior, and socially unacceptable behavior is a form of insanity.
"It's just so easy to rationalize all this."
you can rationalize it all ya want, but ya cant get drunk or high unless you act on the rationalizing thoughts.
im willing to bet there was a long time before the 1st rationalizing thought and the time ya drank,eh? more like a pre meditated drunk?
and your parents cant know why? ya know the program talks quite a bit about honesty,right?
2 years clean and just now doing the 4th step.
what was the holdup? i think i would have been drunk,too, if it dragged my feet.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 393
It's a progressive, incurable, and fatal disease and It doesn't matter how much or how little you used, who your connections were, or what you have done in the past.
Alcohol is just as dangerous as heroin. Listen to the countless health, legal, financial, and mental issues of people in the rooms due to alcohol. And do you really want to be living a lie as big as this? People without substance abuse problems don't find themselves with sponsors or in rehab. I would tell at least one person face-to-face, or announce it at your homegroup. Internet responses are slow and we don't know your entire circumstance.
When I relapsed in 2013, I didn't understand what everyone's problem when i was only having a few drinks and doing a little bit of coke a now and then. I was under the control of the disease. It all mad sense when I celebrated my first year again. I was vomiting all the time, stealing, fighting, and in debt. I also developed diabetes and hypertension before turning 30. I was homeless and people wanted to kill me in the end.
Also steps, sponsorship, and home group are only a suggestions. The suggestion I got was to make meetings, don't pick up, and talk about how I feel. There's no rush, so don't feel pressured to rush through them. It's just the best idea to stay abstinent. You can always get another sponsor if you don't have that trust. To do Fourth step you might want to trust your sponsor, be abstinent, and have solidified the first three steps.
I like the people who don't start their sponsees on steps after 90 days. My mind had to clear up. I have to learn to how eat, shower, and pray.
Also I may choose to no longer be a member and do church or non-12 step programs after ninety days. I also may choose to just use again because that's what I want to do. Some people do one step a year, do the 1-2-3 for a while (like 5 years). It's not just understanding but application as well.
Alcohol is just as dangerous as heroin. Listen to the countless health, legal, financial, and mental issues of people in the rooms due to alcohol. And do you really want to be living a lie as big as this? People without substance abuse problems don't find themselves with sponsors or in rehab. I would tell at least one person face-to-face, or announce it at your homegroup. Internet responses are slow and we don't know your entire circumstance.
When I relapsed in 2013, I didn't understand what everyone's problem when i was only having a few drinks and doing a little bit of coke a now and then. I was under the control of the disease. It all mad sense when I celebrated my first year again. I was vomiting all the time, stealing, fighting, and in debt. I also developed diabetes and hypertension before turning 30. I was homeless and people wanted to kill me in the end.
Also steps, sponsorship, and home group are only a suggestions. The suggestion I got was to make meetings, don't pick up, and talk about how I feel. There's no rush, so don't feel pressured to rush through them. It's just the best idea to stay abstinent. You can always get another sponsor if you don't have that trust. To do Fourth step you might want to trust your sponsor, be abstinent, and have solidified the first three steps.
I like the people who don't start their sponsees on steps after 90 days. My mind had to clear up. I have to learn to how eat, shower, and pray.
Also I may choose to no longer be a member and do church or non-12 step programs after ninety days. I also may choose to just use again because that's what I want to do. Some people do one step a year, do the 1-2-3 for a while (like 5 years). It's not just understanding but application as well.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi FF
Sounds like you're starting to dig a pretty big hole.
You know what the right thing to do is - stop drinking and be honest with your sponsor.
If you don't think you can trust them to be confidential, get another sponsor.
D
Sounds like you're starting to dig a pretty big hole.
You know what the right thing to do is - stop drinking and be honest with your sponsor.
If you don't think you can trust them to be confidential, get another sponsor.
D
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Cleansing 
It's a progressive, incurable, and fatal disease and It doesn't matter how much or how little you used, who your connections were, or what you have done in the past.
For me, any type of substance abuse (and I never got beyond alcohol but know that pills, for example, would be a slippery slope for me bc my intent would be escapism etc, so we carefully monitor the ativan I take for anxiety), would be relapse and would be deadly.
Most of us went through an awful lot of really bad stuff- some didn't suffer or cause as much wreckage in their lives- before we ultimately quit and accepted our disease. I hope you can get to the point that you choose permanent sobriety and begin really living. Living without the questions, bargaining and stress that you describe is amazing and ultimately gratifying.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I have a sponsor now and I didn't and don't plan on telling her I've been drinking. Somehow I'm rationalizing this to make it feel like it's not a relapsed because I have not done drugs or gotten drunk. I am in the middle of my 4th step with my sponsor. I feel like maybe I'm not a real addict
sorry, that is complete and utter BS. you cannot do an honest 4th step while DRINKING and not being honest with your sponsor. you might as well just throw the pen away now.
your statement above screams ADDICT. plus you have a handy co-addict who drank WITH you.
i suggest you really think about this.....with a clear mind. tell your sponsor, tell your folks. if you cannot be fully honest, you will not have recovery.
sorry, that is complete and utter BS. you cannot do an honest 4th step while DRINKING and not being honest with your sponsor. you might as well just throw the pen away now.
your statement above screams ADDICT. plus you have a handy co-addict who drank WITH you.
i suggest you really think about this.....with a clear mind. tell your sponsor, tell your folks. if you cannot be fully honest, you will not have recovery.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
It's interesting that you used scare quotes around your thread title- "Relapse". That's usually done to cast doubt or minimize an idea. A return to any substances after you've committed to living a substance free life is just that, a return to use. Calling it something else or minimizing it is fine, but you know the truth. It doesn't matter what you call it or how you frame it, it's a return to using mind altering substances which have caused you great negative consequences in the past.
Think about the person you truly want to be and the life you want to live, and then act accordingly.
Think about the person you truly want to be and the life you want to live, and then act accordingly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
I did drag on my steps. I went through a few different sponsors. Step one for me never felt complete. I've worked this step 3 times in AA and once in NA but have always been left with many reservations. I had a high bottom and have had trouble coming to terms with being a "real" addict. I have the tendency to think that my drinking and drugging was due to situations in my life rather than an addiction.
I have been drinking somewhat frequently but nowhere near the level I was when I was more active in my addition.
I do consider this a relapse but I am still justifying because I haven't used "hard drugs" however alcohol has gotten me into more than enough trouble in the past
I may need a new sponsor because I do not think my current sponsor will keep things between us.
I have been drinking somewhat frequently but nowhere near the level I was when I was more active in my addition.
I do consider this a relapse but I am still justifying because I haven't used "hard drugs" however alcohol has gotten me into more than enough trouble in the past
I may need a new sponsor because I do not think my current sponsor will keep things between us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i don't think your "sponsor" is the problem here.....you are not even to Step One right now. you think you still have control. and that you can keep your life from becoming unmanageable, that you are not THAT bad. i caution you, things can get BAD really quick.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Anvil's blunt but she's spot on FF.
You're like the bunny rabbit in the headlights right now - you know a cars coming, but you're mesmerised by the headlights and you're not moving.
Nearly everyone I know has had the experience of starting slow again = including me...but it never lasts.
Before long I was drinking not only at the level I was before, but much much worse.
Alcoholism is not something that ever gets better or something we get cured of.
If you drink you're opening yourself up for a no holds barred return to the madness.
You know all this stuff - don't rationalise it away.
You're worthy of better
D
You're like the bunny rabbit in the headlights right now - you know a cars coming, but you're mesmerised by the headlights and you're not moving.
Nearly everyone I know has had the experience of starting slow again = including me...but it never lasts.
Before long I was drinking not only at the level I was before, but much much worse.
Alcoholism is not something that ever gets better or something we get cured of.
If you drink you're opening yourself up for a no holds barred return to the madness.
You know all this stuff - don't rationalise it away.
You're worthy of better
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"I had a high bottom and have had trouble coming to terms with being a "real" addict. "
can ya describe to me the difference between a reall addict and what you are?
personally i read dishonest, rationalzing, mimimizing addicts/ alcoholics do any any stage of addiction/alcoholism, like this:
"I have been drinking somewhat frequently but nowhere near the level I was when I was more active in my addiction."
hhhhmmm...so its ok for an addict,alcoholic to drink, just as long as it isnt the same amount is used to be?
"I do consider this a relapse but I am still justifying because I haven't used "hard drugs" however alcohol has gotten me into more than enough trouble in the past"
dont think i need to say anything about that if ya read it a few times without mind or mood altering substances innya.
so, i got hooked on crack for a couple years. i thought i hit bottom. started going to NA. didnt take long and i thought," if i just get back to work ill be doing better."
1st paycheck i was at the store buying a 40 ouncers with the thought," if i just dont smoke crack anymore, ill be ok."
within a week i was getting a 6 pack and a pint, which i never mixed the 2 before.
but i wasnt smoking crack!!
and sunk deeper and deeper into alcoholism- the bottom i thought i had? welp, i just hit some hard clay in that hole, so broke out a pick axe and dug deeper.
hope ya stop rationalizing and minimizing whats going on, fenway.
everything WILL get worse.
because while youre drinking, alcoholism/addiction is there patiently saying," ive got time and this will be fun destroy another life."
can ya describe to me the difference between a reall addict and what you are?
personally i read dishonest, rationalzing, mimimizing addicts/ alcoholics do any any stage of addiction/alcoholism, like this:
"I have been drinking somewhat frequently but nowhere near the level I was when I was more active in my addiction."
hhhhmmm...so its ok for an addict,alcoholic to drink, just as long as it isnt the same amount is used to be?
"I do consider this a relapse but I am still justifying because I haven't used "hard drugs" however alcohol has gotten me into more than enough trouble in the past"
dont think i need to say anything about that if ya read it a few times without mind or mood altering substances innya.
so, i got hooked on crack for a couple years. i thought i hit bottom. started going to NA. didnt take long and i thought," if i just get back to work ill be doing better."
1st paycheck i was at the store buying a 40 ouncers with the thought," if i just dont smoke crack anymore, ill be ok."
within a week i was getting a 6 pack and a pint, which i never mixed the 2 before.
but i wasnt smoking crack!!
and sunk deeper and deeper into alcoholism- the bottom i thought i had? welp, i just hit some hard clay in that hole, so broke out a pick axe and dug deeper.
hope ya stop rationalizing and minimizing whats going on, fenway.
everything WILL get worse.
because while youre drinking, alcoholism/addiction is there patiently saying," ive got time and this will be fun destroy another life."
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