Ready to change
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Haleiwa
Posts: 7
Ready to change
Hello, I do not really know where to begin but I felt like writing out my story and starting a thread would be a big step in the right direction towards changing my life around.
I just turned 30, am a guy, and have been stuck in a bit of a rut for the past couple years. I began to drink around 16-17 in high school and realize now that I had a bit more of an affinity to getting drunk than most others my age. My dad definitely liked to drink and that probably contributed to the mindset, but I am not here to just blame him.
I went to a decent university but definitely partied too much and took that way more seriously than my studies. I like(d) to drink, but I wouldn't say it really ever had a strong hold over me. I used some drugs here and there in college - coke, benzos, opiates, pretty much anything I could get my hands on, but again nothing in particular ever really had a strong hold over me before about the age of 23.
When I graduated from college, I was able to get a decent job and for the first time in my life had a bit of disposable income. The year was 2009 and I was living in South Florida... for those who do not know there was tons of opiates going around at this time. Long story short, the guys I hung out with all dabbled with them and some of us got hooked. Within 6 months I was using 150-200mg a day. I realized how terrible this was, lost the girl I really liked, and went through a really bad physical w/d. I would say I had a case of spontaneous remission with regards to the opiates at this time... I had NO urge to use opiates for many months after. I was not wise in the sense that I stopped everything and had the where with all to realize that my battle was far from over.
After this first bout, I continued to drink and party, use benzos and cocaine here and there but by and large I was doing a lot better. After approx 8 months a buddy of mine had a roxy and I thought I could try it and would be smart enough to NEVER get hooked again. This was prob 2009/2010... over the cours of 12-18 months I became completely physically dependent again... this time I began using IV and was also buying heroin as the cost of pills went up. I continued using like this until roughly 2012 when I was laid off my job due to poor performance (I really should have gotten fired). I had a bit of a mental breakdown and began to IV cocaine on top of everything else I was doing. In a couple months back in 2012 I spent tens of thousands of dollars on cocaine and pretty much destroyed my arms.
I had an opportunity to get away from everything back then (I did not have insurance)... I picked up everything and moved to a beach where I could not get my hands on anything at all. Had some suboxone with me and detoxed over the course of a month... it was not too bad. Things became clear for a bit and I decided I was going to go back to school for physical therapy.
I ended up back in South Florida and was doing well in classes but started to use opiates and crack cocaine.
As I write this, I realize that my addiction has had a pretty strong hold over me for the past 8 years and am seeing that the details are less important as I continue to write.
Basically where I am now is had a close call in school (will still be able to graduate) but often times I cannot control my behavior. I went to my old stomping ground for thanksgiving and used heroin just about every day. I am currently detoxing for what seems like the 500th time. I do not know if I have ever been sober for more than a couple weeks... but am ready to start now.
I have never really given AA a try but am ready to give it a go, get a sponsor, and become accountable. I have been lurking this forum here and there since the first time I detoxed in 2009, have read AVRT, gone to AA but never really committed to my sobriety.
I want to steer my life in another direction. I fear that unless I put my foot down I will always be stuck in this rut and will never really be able to put myself in a position where I can prosper and my life will not be so damn hard. I am VERY hard on myself. It gets me clean for a bit but then I relapse again. I know I am doing a lot of things wrong. I would love to get advice and become accountable to you guys. I know I have a lot to learn and am making this thread to hopefully report my success as time moves forward and get whatever feedback I can.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read.
I just turned 30, am a guy, and have been stuck in a bit of a rut for the past couple years. I began to drink around 16-17 in high school and realize now that I had a bit more of an affinity to getting drunk than most others my age. My dad definitely liked to drink and that probably contributed to the mindset, but I am not here to just blame him.
I went to a decent university but definitely partied too much and took that way more seriously than my studies. I like(d) to drink, but I wouldn't say it really ever had a strong hold over me. I used some drugs here and there in college - coke, benzos, opiates, pretty much anything I could get my hands on, but again nothing in particular ever really had a strong hold over me before about the age of 23.
When I graduated from college, I was able to get a decent job and for the first time in my life had a bit of disposable income. The year was 2009 and I was living in South Florida... for those who do not know there was tons of opiates going around at this time. Long story short, the guys I hung out with all dabbled with them and some of us got hooked. Within 6 months I was using 150-200mg a day. I realized how terrible this was, lost the girl I really liked, and went through a really bad physical w/d. I would say I had a case of spontaneous remission with regards to the opiates at this time... I had NO urge to use opiates for many months after. I was not wise in the sense that I stopped everything and had the where with all to realize that my battle was far from over.
After this first bout, I continued to drink and party, use benzos and cocaine here and there but by and large I was doing a lot better. After approx 8 months a buddy of mine had a roxy and I thought I could try it and would be smart enough to NEVER get hooked again. This was prob 2009/2010... over the cours of 12-18 months I became completely physically dependent again... this time I began using IV and was also buying heroin as the cost of pills went up. I continued using like this until roughly 2012 when I was laid off my job due to poor performance (I really should have gotten fired). I had a bit of a mental breakdown and began to IV cocaine on top of everything else I was doing. In a couple months back in 2012 I spent tens of thousands of dollars on cocaine and pretty much destroyed my arms.
I had an opportunity to get away from everything back then (I did not have insurance)... I picked up everything and moved to a beach where I could not get my hands on anything at all. Had some suboxone with me and detoxed over the course of a month... it was not too bad. Things became clear for a bit and I decided I was going to go back to school for physical therapy.
I ended up back in South Florida and was doing well in classes but started to use opiates and crack cocaine.
As I write this, I realize that my addiction has had a pretty strong hold over me for the past 8 years and am seeing that the details are less important as I continue to write.
Basically where I am now is had a close call in school (will still be able to graduate) but often times I cannot control my behavior. I went to my old stomping ground for thanksgiving and used heroin just about every day. I am currently detoxing for what seems like the 500th time. I do not know if I have ever been sober for more than a couple weeks... but am ready to start now.
I have never really given AA a try but am ready to give it a go, get a sponsor, and become accountable. I have been lurking this forum here and there since the first time I detoxed in 2009, have read AVRT, gone to AA but never really committed to my sobriety.
I want to steer my life in another direction. I fear that unless I put my foot down I will always be stuck in this rut and will never really be able to put myself in a position where I can prosper and my life will not be so damn hard. I am VERY hard on myself. It gets me clean for a bit but then I relapse again. I know I am doing a lot of things wrong. I would love to get advice and become accountable to you guys. I know I have a lot to learn and am making this thread to hopefully report my success as time moves forward and get whatever feedback I can.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Mi
Posts: 1,318
Hi dpg, welcome!
I've done just about all the drugs you listed, plus a few more. I finally got clean from heroin & benzos in Aug.2014.
I know you're feeling rotten right now from withdrawals, but when you feel up to it I would recommend in addition to meetings, changing your usual routine...start a new hobby, hang out in places you normally don't, join a gym, etc.
Loose your dealers numbers & get a new number if you need to ( my dealers continued to try & call for mo's after I quit. They don't like loosing that $$$! )
Drop any toxic friends.
Tell your family & close friends what you are doing...the most important people to keep you accountable, I think.
Lean on the people here for support also. Post ( or lurk ) as much as possible.
With the right mindset, you can stop being a slave to drugs.
(( Hugs ))
I've done just about all the drugs you listed, plus a few more. I finally got clean from heroin & benzos in Aug.2014.
I know you're feeling rotten right now from withdrawals, but when you feel up to it I would recommend in addition to meetings, changing your usual routine...start a new hobby, hang out in places you normally don't, join a gym, etc.
Loose your dealers numbers & get a new number if you need to ( my dealers continued to try & call for mo's after I quit. They don't like loosing that $$$! )
Drop any toxic friends.
Tell your family & close friends what you are doing...the most important people to keep you accountable, I think.
Lean on the people here for support also. Post ( or lurk ) as much as possible.
With the right mindset, you can stop being a slave to drugs.
(( Hugs ))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Haleiwa
Posts: 7
Thanks everybody.
I do not feel too bad right now, I had a couple slivers of suboxone yesterday, that is all gone now.
I am not too worried about the physical part. I tend to go through a cycle of feeling this guilty melodrama during the early stages and propelling through then thinking "I am okay" and going back out.
I probably stay clean and sober most days, its just the days I do not hold me back SOOO MUCH.
All my family and friends already know what the deal is with me, I was never one to keep my problem a secret (my behavior when I am loaded is obvious).
The facilitator for a SMART meeting emailed me back, so I am going to go check that out from 6pm to 730 tonight.
I feel anxious about my responsibilities and life in general, but as I stop and really think about it I realize it is not too bad. I realize I worry about the time I may have to devote and the uncomfortable situations I may enter as I get sober (I am not a naturally social, activity oriented person) but I know this is the addicted part of me talking - I already waste so much time and deal with many strangers to get the stuff.
I have a solid month+ before my schedule gets hectic again. I would really like to make some progress in that time.
I do not feel too bad right now, I had a couple slivers of suboxone yesterday, that is all gone now.
I am not too worried about the physical part. I tend to go through a cycle of feeling this guilty melodrama during the early stages and propelling through then thinking "I am okay" and going back out.
I probably stay clean and sober most days, its just the days I do not hold me back SOOO MUCH.
All my family and friends already know what the deal is with me, I was never one to keep my problem a secret (my behavior when I am loaded is obvious).
The facilitator for a SMART meeting emailed me back, so I am going to go check that out from 6pm to 730 tonight.
I feel anxious about my responsibilities and life in general, but as I stop and really think about it I realize it is not too bad. I realize I worry about the time I may have to devote and the uncomfortable situations I may enter as I get sober (I am not a naturally social, activity oriented person) but I know this is the addicted part of me talking - I already waste so much time and deal with many strangers to get the stuff.
I have a solid month+ before my schedule gets hectic again. I would really like to make some progress in that time.
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
I don't know if you follow football. But do you know or heard of Johnny Manziel? He is the Cleveland Browns quarterback first round pick of the 2014 draft. So Why do I bring his name up? Ever since he has come out of college and turn pro his behavior and acting out has Johnny football career on the fence with his employer the Cleveland Browns.
After many months of hearing stories about Johnny's partying and antics, he finally felt the heat coming down on him and admitted he had a substance abuse problem. He admitted himself into a rehab and when his rehab stay was over he declared to the Cleveland Browns, to the fans and the world his substance abuse problems and partying days were over.
In recent weeks Johnny Manziel name has been all over the sport news. He's back to his old habits of using mind altering substances and acting out again.
Addiction is a powerful thing. So powerful that an athlete like Johnny Manziel at the height of his popularity and so much to gain financially has succum once again to his demons. For Johnny and millions that live with the disease of addiction, life can be a constant struggle to go on from day to day. Often, despite our own best efforts, many addicts have difficulty coming to terms with their addiction. This is often displayed in the form of such defense mechanisms as denial, excuses, blaming, and intellectualization, to name but a few.
The problem with Johnny, he hasn't hit his bottom yet. Johnny can make all the promises he wants, but it's not until he surrenders totally and completely to his disease of addiction will he ever have a chance to change his life.
When the addict is struggling and fighting for control of their addiction, they are not really getting any closer to true surrender. All they are doing is shifting ideas around the premise that they going to put down their choice of drugs on promises. In my experience, promises never worked for me. This is a hollow game we addicts play and is nothing but BS. None of this is true surrender my friend. It is all just a bunch of games to keep the hamster wheel of addiction turning.
You have a long history with addiction. And with that history came many broken promises. There may be times when a relapse lays the groundwork for complete freedom. But that freedom only comes when we truly surrender only then we can set the groundwork for true recovery.
Hugs and prayers
TB
After many months of hearing stories about Johnny's partying and antics, he finally felt the heat coming down on him and admitted he had a substance abuse problem. He admitted himself into a rehab and when his rehab stay was over he declared to the Cleveland Browns, to the fans and the world his substance abuse problems and partying days were over.
In recent weeks Johnny Manziel name has been all over the sport news. He's back to his old habits of using mind altering substances and acting out again.
Addiction is a powerful thing. So powerful that an athlete like Johnny Manziel at the height of his popularity and so much to gain financially has succum once again to his demons. For Johnny and millions that live with the disease of addiction, life can be a constant struggle to go on from day to day. Often, despite our own best efforts, many addicts have difficulty coming to terms with their addiction. This is often displayed in the form of such defense mechanisms as denial, excuses, blaming, and intellectualization, to name but a few.
The problem with Johnny, he hasn't hit his bottom yet. Johnny can make all the promises he wants, but it's not until he surrenders totally and completely to his disease of addiction will he ever have a chance to change his life.
When the addict is struggling and fighting for control of their addiction, they are not really getting any closer to true surrender. All they are doing is shifting ideas around the premise that they going to put down their choice of drugs on promises. In my experience, promises never worked for me. This is a hollow game we addicts play and is nothing but BS. None of this is true surrender my friend. It is all just a bunch of games to keep the hamster wheel of addiction turning.
You have a long history with addiction. And with that history came many broken promises. There may be times when a relapse lays the groundwork for complete freedom. But that freedom only comes when we truly surrender only then we can set the groundwork for true recovery.
Hugs and prayers
TB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Haleiwa
Posts: 7
Want to update ya'll... was sober for about 10 days then relapsed for no particular reason on Thursday and Friday and spent up until yesterday recovering. I feel a lot better now. I did everything I needed to do today and I went to a SMART meeting which I enjoyed and think it goes much more in line with my thinking than AA.
During the meeting a sheet was passed around which listed the various reasons why we use. One of the reasons was "non-thinking" and I realized that is me right there. For whatever reason I will have a craving come over me, I will make a decision on that craving, and I will do whatever it takes to fulfill it.
Feeling Optimistic
During the meeting a sheet was passed around which listed the various reasons why we use. One of the reasons was "non-thinking" and I realized that is me right there. For whatever reason I will have a craving come over me, I will make a decision on that craving, and I will do whatever it takes to fulfill it.
Feeling Optimistic
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
Originally Posted by dpg109 
I went to a SMART meeting which I enjoyed and think it goes much more in line with my thinking than AA.
During the meeting a sheet was passed around which listed the various reasons why we use. One of the reasons was "non-thinking" and I realized that is me right there. For whatever reason I will have a craving come over me, I will make a decision on that craving, and I will do whatever it takes to fulfill it.
During the meeting a sheet was passed around which listed the various reasons why we use. One of the reasons was "non-thinking" and I realized that is me right there. For whatever reason I will have a craving come over me, I will make a decision on that craving, and I will do whatever it takes to fulfill it.
Originally Posted by Timebuster
When the addict is struggling and fighting for control of their addiction, they are not really getting any closer to true surrender. All they are doing is shifting ideas around the premise that they going to put down their choice of drugs on promises. In my experience, promises never worked for me. This is a hollow game we addicts play and is nothing but BS. None of this is true surrender my friend. It is all just a bunch of games to keep the hamster wheel of addiction turning.
You have a long history with addiction. And with that history came many broken promises. There may be times when a relapse lays the groundwork for complete freedom. But that freedom only comes when we truly surrender only then we can set the groundwork for true recovery.
You have a long history with addiction. And with that history came many broken promises. There may be times when a relapse lays the groundwork for complete freedom. But that freedom only comes when we truly surrender only then we can set the groundwork for true recovery.
TB
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
