Determined82

Hey I'm Emily and I have a problem with Cocaine. Things got out of hand about 3 years ago when myself and my husband started indulging 1-2 times a week. Last night has to be the last time as we are hitting rock bottom, mentally, physically and financially. For the last year I keep saying (after every session) that 'this' is the last time, only to recover from the awful comedown 2-3 days later, forget the awfulness and relapse. We are now living of credit cards and pay day loans when we should own our own house and have a healthy savings account. I've read so many recovery stories but it seems that the main advice given is to avoid triggers... We are eachothers trigger and divorce isn't an option.
I need some sort of incentive and negative reminder of how bad this stuff is so I've decided to start my own thread and post as often as possible. I know it's going to be hard but we HAVE to stop now before our friends and family find out what we are doing.
Today is day one...

Timebuster

Welcome to the boards Emily. Congrats on day one.

Crack/cocaine makes people do some crazy sh!t, think some crazy sh!t I tell ya.

You have to dig deep within if you're serious and want out of this hell. You have to be willing to go to any length to change your life, not just quit the drugs, but change the way you think, act, and the way you deal with adversity. It sounds like a tall order and it is but there are great rewards there as well. Addiction counseling or NA meetings or some other recovery meetings like cocaine anonymous are a good start. Meeting other people who share your struggle is a big help and finding that there are ways out of this personal hell can take a great weight off your shoulders. You just have to be willing. Best of luck to you.

Hugs and prayers
TB

Timebuster

I also want to add this.

Relationships and addiction.

I understand what being an addict is, and looking back, I know that I was incapable of maintaining a healthy and loving relationship while using. I tried, but the addiction came first...always.

I kind of think he has to help himself, and that your life is too precious to watch it wither away in someone else's shadow.

Hugs and prayers
TB

RDBplus3

If / When you can't fix yourself (I tried and failed miserably ... repeatedly) ... Click the link and start the path to a Renewed Life!!!

Welcome to Cocaine Anonymous

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE

Determined82

Thank you so much for the posts TB!
You're right it makes you do/ say/ think crazy things!

I am totally serious about stopping and today I am embracing one helluva come down. I need to embrace it because it's going to be my LAST ONE!
I feel like my brain has been a big ball of fuzz over the last year due to the long term effects... I can't remember what sobriety feels like and that's nerve wracking.
However I look like hell, I'm constantly moody, depressed, hungover or sleeping and I feel like my life is just wilting away
I'm done with cancelling appointments, missing work, making excuses to family as to why I didn't answer their calls. I just can't do it anymore. As I'm writing this I'm in floods of tears as I feel exhausted and drained and cannot believe that I NEED a forum like this for help. I literally feel so ashamed of myself right now.

I can't talk to my husband, he's not really a 'talk about your feelings' kind of guy.

We would normally start a session around 9-10pm and go on until 5am (ish).... It's seems like those few hours twice a week is the only communication and 'closeness' we have nowadays. I know I am the instigator, if I don't do it, he won't. He is not as 'addicted' as I am but I want our old relationship back that didn't revolve around that rubbish!

So, I've been searching the net and found a recovery organisation called SMART. They have a meeting in my area tomorrow and I've decided to attend.... God knows what I'll do if I see anyone there I know

Although I've been saying I want to quit for months I've never taken active steps to try and make it happen... Today I signed up with SR, tomorrow I attend my first meeting... So far so good... I know I can do this

Any encouragement, advice or others personal stories welcome (and really wanted)

Determined82

Awesome! Thank you so much RDB! I want as much help as poss so will check now if there's any local meetings near me..

cleaninLI

Emily congrats on day one! All those reasons for quitting you listed look like great reasons. I found it helped to refer back to them when cravings hit.

I have never had to deal with a spouse that used along side me and /or had his own drug use. But what I've read from other's stories is that it wasn't as easy as you are describing to get your spouse to quit alongside you. There really isn't a "we" when it comes to addiction . Not that they weren't both successful in the end....just that the timeline was a bit different than they originally thought. But the main thing is you've made your decision....and you are officially on day one of recovery! Yay!

AnvilheadII

make sure you are determined REGARDLESS of what your husband does....if he decides to get some, then you need a plan to get away and stay away. don't rely upon him to keep you clean and protect your precious recovery. he has the "right" to keep using if HE wants to......just as you have the right to NEVER use again.

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you Emily I'm a former coke user

kzaug2014

Welcome Emily & congrats on day 1! It's sounds like you're moving in the right direction! Good for you!

My hubs & I were both addicted to heroin. I quit in Aug., 2014 & he quit in Apr., this yr. We've also done plenty of coke in the past ugh.

I also thought divorce wasn't an option when I 1st quit. We'd been married for 20yrs, had a good relationship & I wasn't willing to give up on him...until 6mos later lol. After I got clean, I just wasn't willing to live w/a heroin addict for the rest of my life. Being broke all the time, buying drugs instead of necessities, the lying, the moods swings, just the whole lifestyle!
But, happily, he quit & we're still together.

I think it's really important to concentrate on yourself in early sobriety. I know you said you're the instigator and that he's not as addicted as you are, but no one really knows what's going to happen ( w/our spouses ) until the the time comes. My hubs went to a rehab the same time I did & I thought we were on the same page, but we weren't. He actually asked me to shoot him up when I got out of rehab! I was like "are you f___ joking? I don't even want to know when you are doing that!!!" So, just in case he doesn't quit the same time you do, concentrate on yourself and worry about him later, k?

(( Hugs ))

Determined82

Thank you for the messages guys! Totally taking everything on board.

Just awoken after a few hours well needed sleep but feeling just as bad as I did before
My whole body hurts particularly my head. I've told my husband that I am done and he agrees that he too has had enough of this addiction controlling our life. We're in this recovery together and I know we'll get through it.
Tomorrow is a new day and our plan is to take every day one step at a time. So I'll be back then (hopefully with a clearer and less painful head)!

Determined82

So here I am again. I've had tons of sleep which has unfortunately forced me to wake at 4.30am. I'm really going to have to work on my sleep pattern.
So thought I'd give a full description of my addictions and how and why I'm in this state. 6-7 years ago I was in a nightclub and a so called girlfriend offered me my first ever line. It made me feel euphoric, invincible and at ease. The next day I had no more of a hangover then if I had only had alcohol and I certainly didn't wake up thinking I need more so thought I was safe from addiction. This routine carried on fortnightly (ish) for about 3 years until I met my husband. For the first few months we had a blast neither of us were aware that the other used drugs until we saw the same so called friend mentioned above in a bar. She straight out asked me in front of him if I wanted some. I remember feeling mortified and said very bluntly no thank you. She left and my husband asked me if she had been talking about Cocaine, I reluctantly admitted she was and he smiled and said "don't worry I do it occasionally too, we should get some". That was the beginning of the end for us. We started off every weekend frequenting the same bar and getting 1g to share. This went on for about a year until eventually we stopped going out and started indulging at home. We increased are usage to 2g's which would last us about 8 hours. We initially only used on a weekend after work but then started occasionally using once during the week. At first it was great... We would talk until the sun came up and had a fantastic love life (on it)... But the cracks soon started to show themselves. The hangovers started getting worse and worse. We both started pulling sick days and our moods were detrimentally being affected. We started arguing a lot and the only thing that seemed to help us resolve our issues was to get on it... Little did I realise that this was just making things worse. About 6-8 months ago I realised I was addicted... I don't know when this happened, Cocaine has a funny way of sneaking up on you. I always thought I would be able to stop whenever I wanted but this was proved wrong after one particularly bad comedown we both said that we were not going to touch it again... 3-4 days later we were using again. Along the way I have picked up two more awful addictions, gambling and cigarette smoking. I realise that I have an extremely addictive personality and need help with this. I have lost a fortune this last year gambling which I normally do online during a session (so I don't have my wits about me in any event)... My bets increase from £1 per spin to £20 per spin on stupid slots and I don't stop until I've lost everything. All the while I'm chain smoking due to anxiety.
My husband has expressed that he desperately wants to stop also so we are in this together. We are tired of losing full days due to hangovers, we are tired of being broke and we are done!
There are some positives that will help. Neither of us would use without the other, we are not daily users, on the contrary in fact when we awake after binging the last thing we want is that! The hangover soon subsides and we start thinking about our next opportunity. Neither of us socialise with other people anymore opting more for the Netflix, Chinese and chill sort of evening. We hate clubs and bars now. So if one of us stops I believe the other will have no choice but to do the same. One of us therefore needs to be strong. My husband does not want to attend meetings and does not want me to either in fear that someone he knows will see us and report back to our families. I feel I need more help. There is a SMART meeting today but I don't know wether I should go or try to go the distance alone (well with this lovely forums help).
My husband has said he will support my decision regardless but he just thinks it's a bad idea.

I'm battling a few addictions here and feel overwhelmed already but perhaps I should try without physical face to face help for now?
Any thoughts/ advice/ suggestions will be greatly appreciated x

Determined82

Spent some time on chat which was really helpful... Met some great people. C23, Hopeful and LSC1. Got some great advice which I plan on putting into action today. The other half should be awake soon and the plan is to spend the day deep cleaning our apartment. It's an absolute pig sty!
I've got a ton of laundry and dishes to get through and the whole place needs to be tidied, hoovered dusted and polished. All the result of using and hangovers. We'll tackle one room at a time and bt the end of the day it should look like a show home . Also going to have a very needed long hot bath and cook a big roast dinner. We haven't eaten for nearly 48 hours!
Gaining some weight is one of my goals as the long term use has taken its toll. Also plan to start taking some vitamins today to help with replenishing our bodies. Apparently NAC is great for withdrawals and helps reduce craving so will start this today and let you know how we get on. I hope everyone has a very happy healthy sober Sunday
Emily

Marcus

Welcome Emily. Congrats on your decision to quit and making it this far. I had a good 7 year run with cocaine. There are many people out there with similar stories to yours who have made it and unfortunately many others who haven't. For me I was caught in a similar cycle that you were. Not daily use, but every weekend would start with me sure I was not going to do it only to find myself up at 6am on Sunday ashamed that I did it again.

I am not sure if you drink alcohol often, but that ALWAYS lowered my inhibitions and went hand in hand with cocaine. After a few drinks I had to have it. Then after a run the crash would occur and I would swear it off only to find myself doing the exact same thing a week later. There will definitely be challenges going forward. Life gets hard sometimes and you just want that good feeling and escape. The more you can push those thoughts down and get through the tough moments the easier it gets. Clean time and changing out bad habits and instant relief for healthy coping skills was hugely important for me.

I know right now the thought is you can do this on your own and you very well might be able to, but I would suggest at least trying a meeting or addiction therapist. This site is great, but often added outside support is essential. Especially early on when you thoughts and feelings are all over the place.

I also had some major issues with gambling, but the drugs and alcohol fueled those as well. After cocaine I started with opiates. Pills and finally heroin so I know all about addictive personalities. It can carry over into all aspects of your life. I have over 3 1/2 years clean and sober so there is hope. It took me a lot of years and a lot of consequences to get here. Trust me the sooner you can get a handle on it the better because from my experience it only gets worse. Usually much much worse. Take Care!!!

Determined82

Marcus your post was like a breath of fresh air!!
I was starting to think that I was one of the only ones here with illegal substances being my main problem so thank you so much for reaching out!
Yes like you alcohol goes hand in hand with the cocaine use. I've never done one without the other.
I just can't seem to get past the cravings! Even though they're not physical they are so bloomin intense! I don't understand how I go from suicidal comedown to right back on it again 5-7 days later...
Even though I am determined in my resolve to quit for good I am still sitting here nervous that my life will be totally boring with out Coke. How messed up is that!
I'm still debating on wether to attend this meeting today. CA has online meetings and I may do that instead. I'm just as worried as my hubby about bumping into somebody I know and because it's SMART they may be there to try and stop smoking ciggs (not in the same boat as me)...
Can I ask... How long did the intense cravings last for you?

Marcus

Intense cravings come and go for a while, but usually the worst of them only last a few weeks at most. All I can say is if you do plan to continue drinking early on you are probably setting yourself up for failure. The key is to take it a day at a time. Don't think about your life being boring. Just focus on today. It will take some getting used to, but trust me sobriety is so much better and more rewarding and doesn't take away your dignity and integrity like drugs do.

I guess all I would say about bumping into someone at a meeting is obviously if they are there they are looking for help too. They want to quit same as you and maybe you will make some connections you never thought you could have. Feel free to go at it alone, but I wouldn't rule anything out. If you find yourself continuing the cycle and not being able to stop more support might be needed.

Determined82

Hey Marcus
Thanks for your reply... Good to know a few weeks and they may reduce significantly
I absolutely am quitting alcohol too as the two totally go hand in hand for me, although I do think the alcohol will be easier as it's the gear I enjoy more (at the time). I want 2016 to be a new year for me. I want to stop all of my negative addictions. The alcohol and Coke come first. Tonight I will have my last cigarette and tomorrow I will go onto e cigs. In 2 weeks I will try and stop those. I am going to taper the gambling off. I have set daily limits on my accounts today so I cannot do too much damage going forward although it only seems to get out of hand when I try to gamble under the influence. I am desperate to never feel like this again. I have suffered my last 7 years in a haze and my head feels so foggy. I can't wait for that to go... Also the sinus problems suck.. 7 years of a runny nose has taken its toll. I've always been to scared to have a proper look I case I had done irreparable damage but today I got a torch and had a good look... No holes that I can see (phew). I count myself very lucky for that... I've decided to attend an online SMART session today.. Got my beats earphones at the ready for 6pm..
Day 3 is just a few hours away... I can so do this
Thank you so much for your posts. Your recovery is an inspiration

Timebuster

That scares me Emily, scares me very much. I understand you're talking about tapering and setting limits to your gambling habits. But would you do the same with your cocaine habit? I think the answer would be no. So why take the chance of setting yourself up.

You already know from past experience cocaine and gambling have a common. They both give you instant gratification. And when they let you down you feel remorse. Whether it's alcohol, drugs or gambling, each time an addict violates their core values, they typically experiences an ever growing sense of guilt, shame, and remorse. And of course the addict responds to these negative emotions the only way they knows how, with more of the addictive behavior. Thereby creating even deeper feelings of guilt, shame, and remorse.

We addicts specially early recovery of the way of justifying and rationalizing the craziest thoughts and unknowingly set ourselves to fall flat on my face. Denial - don't even notice I am lying.

Just giving you food for thought.

Hugs and prayers
TB

Determined82

Hi TB
I completely get why this scares you as it scares me too!
I suppose my reasoning is that if I try to quit everything at once I am going to fail. before the gear I used to be able to gamble sensibly. 20 odd quid once a week or so, sometimes I won sometimes I lost but I always had fun. I don't know if without the drugs things will be able to go back to the way they were but I just think it's safer and there will be more chance of success If I give up one thing nasty addiction at a time.

Determined82

So here I am on Day 3!

Yesterday was spent doing house chores, eating, grooming and watching films. I had planned to attend SMART's online meeting @6pm but my mum showed up for a cuppa @5pm and didn't leave till 7.
Thank goodness I had cleaned the apartment as if she had seen the state of it a few hours before she would have been very suspicious. Will try the online meeting again today.

So I have an extremely busy day today which involves a meeting in the west end. My brain just doesn't feel right (tbh it hasn't for years), My head feels very clouded and my nose is still sore but I'm on the mend.
By now I would have had my morning cig but instead I've got my electronic one at the ready for when the withdrawal/ cravings hit. We started taking NAC yesterday 600mg but on further research we need to up our dosage to 1200mg for a noticable effect.
Because I'm trying to detox as quickly as possible I've exchanged my normal fizzy soda drinks for bottled water. I drank loads yesterday.

You know I've tried to quit this beastly addiction on many occasions now but this time just FEELS different. I feel much stronger and determined and my husbands right here with me.

BRING ON DAY 4