No one knows about my secret addiction to cocaine, I feel so alone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 3
No one knows about my secret addiction to cocaine, I feel so alone
I joined this site yesterday in hopes of attempting to recover. I find it hard to even admit still that I am addicted to Cocaine or that it has got out of control. I need help I do know that. I don't know if I am ready to quit though.
A little history about myself, I tried it for the first time when I dated my first boyfriend probably 9 years ago. It was the best feeling I have ever experienced. I thought it was "cool" and "glamorous" because you see it in all the movies glamorized, michelle pfeiffer in scarface doing it in her fancy gowns. I didn't know how ignorant and naive I was, boy was I wrong about cocaine. After using with my first boyfriend once or twice a week, that led to doing it when I would go out with my friends. Then it led to me doing it when I was out with my friends, as well as once or twice a week when I got off work. I would drink vodka and use 2 grams. It really started going downhill when my boyfriend ( a different one) cheated on me and broke up with me. I was so hurt I didn't know what to do so I turned to cocaine daily and heavy drinking 3-4 times a week. This lasted maybe 3 years. I would buy 2 grams-3.5 grams every other day because it would last me that long. None of my friends who I did cocaine with recreationally had any idea i was secretly using neither did my close family. A line to wake up, a line before i showered, a line to clean the house etc. I still felt in control in a messed up way. My addiction just progressed to the point I was buying 3.5 grams daily. That would still last me a day and a half. I then met my recent boyfriend who I'm still with helped me change my life for the better. I got treatment for my A.D.H.D started taking concerta and I felt better. I quit drinking like I was. Maybe once a month I would drink. I joined a gym and got a personal trainer and started to eat clean and take vitamins etc anything I could do. It also made my temptation for cocaine go away which I was SO happy about. I felt like a normal happy person.
Then for some reason I bought cocaine before going out one night with my friends and the daily use continued. My boyfriend doesn't use drugs or drink often, he smokes weed the odd time. I no longer go out often or see my friends I used to use with. They all seem like they have "grown up" from the cocaine using days, and then theres me. I am so scared, embarrassed, ashamed and upset by the reality of my addiction. I sneak around to buy drugs, I go through 3.5 grams in half a day now, I feel like I cant function or have energy without this drug. The breaking point to make me snap out of this was two weeks ago when I went to an ENT to see what was wrong with my sinuses. He took one look in my nose and told me I have a huge hole in there he can't fix a horrible sinus infection and he asked if I use Cocaine. I was so embarrassed and ashamed I of course said no. I know he probably thought otherwise he's a specialist for god sakes. I realized how in denial I was after that appointment and the severity of my addiction. I cried all the way home and for the rest of the day. I still lied to my boyfriend and family and said I don't know why the ENT said that. I am now waiting to see a plastic surgeon to see if he can repair my nose. I am scared for him to ask me as well. I don't use any other drugs sometimes weed, and I have never used anything harder than cocaine. I now use cocaine probably every 20 minutes, do a line before the gym, and after the gym, before i write my essays for school and after. Before I even eat supper, thats so sad and disgusting and pathetic. I feel so hopeless like I can never be happy without this drug again. I have no motivation without this drug and get severely depressed if I do not have it. How could I cope with the withdrawal from the amount I am doing?
I don't like who Ive become. I lead this lie of being healthy and fit and having my stuff together now just started university and i cant get control of anything. The worst part is I'm too ashamed to tell anyone. I honest to god don't want to tell anyone in my life. I don't want to be known as an addict how horrible does that sound? I feel almost upset no one in my life has found out about how big my addiction is, is it that they don't care? or that I'm just a good liar? My lies are catching up to me and I'm spending so much on this drug its sickening. I have sheltered myself away from the world when I am normally very social. I don't even return my friends texts for weeks. I don't know what to do, and I feel that maybe theres some sort of hope here for me on this site, because death is near or losing everything. Right now as I type this I am thinking of where and when to get my next fix. I need someone to talk to or some support
A little history about myself, I tried it for the first time when I dated my first boyfriend probably 9 years ago. It was the best feeling I have ever experienced. I thought it was "cool" and "glamorous" because you see it in all the movies glamorized, michelle pfeiffer in scarface doing it in her fancy gowns. I didn't know how ignorant and naive I was, boy was I wrong about cocaine. After using with my first boyfriend once or twice a week, that led to doing it when I would go out with my friends. Then it led to me doing it when I was out with my friends, as well as once or twice a week when I got off work. I would drink vodka and use 2 grams. It really started going downhill when my boyfriend ( a different one) cheated on me and broke up with me. I was so hurt I didn't know what to do so I turned to cocaine daily and heavy drinking 3-4 times a week. This lasted maybe 3 years. I would buy 2 grams-3.5 grams every other day because it would last me that long. None of my friends who I did cocaine with recreationally had any idea i was secretly using neither did my close family. A line to wake up, a line before i showered, a line to clean the house etc. I still felt in control in a messed up way. My addiction just progressed to the point I was buying 3.5 grams daily. That would still last me a day and a half. I then met my recent boyfriend who I'm still with helped me change my life for the better. I got treatment for my A.D.H.D started taking concerta and I felt better. I quit drinking like I was. Maybe once a month I would drink. I joined a gym and got a personal trainer and started to eat clean and take vitamins etc anything I could do. It also made my temptation for cocaine go away which I was SO happy about. I felt like a normal happy person.
Then for some reason I bought cocaine before going out one night with my friends and the daily use continued. My boyfriend doesn't use drugs or drink often, he smokes weed the odd time. I no longer go out often or see my friends I used to use with. They all seem like they have "grown up" from the cocaine using days, and then theres me. I am so scared, embarrassed, ashamed and upset by the reality of my addiction. I sneak around to buy drugs, I go through 3.5 grams in half a day now, I feel like I cant function or have energy without this drug. The breaking point to make me snap out of this was two weeks ago when I went to an ENT to see what was wrong with my sinuses. He took one look in my nose and told me I have a huge hole in there he can't fix a horrible sinus infection and he asked if I use Cocaine. I was so embarrassed and ashamed I of course said no. I know he probably thought otherwise he's a specialist for god sakes. I realized how in denial I was after that appointment and the severity of my addiction. I cried all the way home and for the rest of the day. I still lied to my boyfriend and family and said I don't know why the ENT said that. I am now waiting to see a plastic surgeon to see if he can repair my nose. I am scared for him to ask me as well. I don't use any other drugs sometimes weed, and I have never used anything harder than cocaine. I now use cocaine probably every 20 minutes, do a line before the gym, and after the gym, before i write my essays for school and after. Before I even eat supper, thats so sad and disgusting and pathetic. I feel so hopeless like I can never be happy without this drug again. I have no motivation without this drug and get severely depressed if I do not have it. How could I cope with the withdrawal from the amount I am doing?
I don't like who Ive become. I lead this lie of being healthy and fit and having my stuff together now just started university and i cant get control of anything. The worst part is I'm too ashamed to tell anyone. I honest to god don't want to tell anyone in my life. I don't want to be known as an addict how horrible does that sound? I feel almost upset no one in my life has found out about how big my addiction is, is it that they don't care? or that I'm just a good liar? My lies are catching up to me and I'm spending so much on this drug its sickening. I have sheltered myself away from the world when I am normally very social. I don't even return my friends texts for weeks. I don't know what to do, and I feel that maybe theres some sort of hope here for me on this site, because death is near or losing everything. Right now as I type this I am thinking of where and when to get my next fix. I need someone to talk to or some support
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,576
It's good to meet you Natty. I'm so sorry you're struggling with a cocaine addiction - but very glad you found SR. I'm an alcoholic - but I'm sure others will be along with some helpful thoughts. You're never alone.
Free your mind
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 174
Welcome to SR Natty. This is a great place for judgement-free support. I'm a recovering opiate addict and I can definitely relate to many of the things you said regarding feeling guilty about using.
I hope you will consider telling the ENT and plastic surgeon about your use, they have probably seen cocaine-related damage and will know how best to help you if you are honest with them.
I wish you the very best. I have seen how difficult it is for people to break free from cocaine, but it can be done.
I hope you will consider telling the ENT and plastic surgeon about your use, they have probably seen cocaine-related damage and will know how best to help you if you are honest with them.
I wish you the very best. I have seen how difficult it is for people to break free from cocaine, but it can be done.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 3
Thank you BadSneakers I appreciate you writing all you did back to me, means a lot 
my sister is recovering from opiate addiction I seen her struggle but yet continued on my downward spiral 
yes your right I am going to be honest about my use because it will be known I'm sure.
my sister is recovering from opiate addiction I seen her struggle but yet continued on my downward spiral 
yes your right I am going to be honest about my use because it will be known I'm sure.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Hey Natty, as a fellow coke head, I just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing. I've been on the forum for about a year now and it has helped immensely.
A lot of what you said resonated with me. Especially the bit about finding yourself suddenly in a situation where all your friends seem to have stopped 'partying', but you're still gong for it, and doing it in secret. That is a horrible feeling.
I was worried in particular about a couple of things you said. It sounds like you are doing a lot of coke. I'm not judging you, obviously. We're all on here because we have a problem and need help to stop. Obviously doing coke is bad, full stop, but in the quantities you're ingesting, you have to start worrying about stroke and heart attack. Particularly if you do coke and then go to the gym- that will put an immense stress on your heart.
You sound young? You mentioned doing study? I just wonder what support you have out there? How you are getting the money to fund the coke?
Keep posting- we're all here to help.
A lot of what you said resonated with me. Especially the bit about finding yourself suddenly in a situation where all your friends seem to have stopped 'partying', but you're still gong for it, and doing it in secret. That is a horrible feeling.
I was worried in particular about a couple of things you said. It sounds like you are doing a lot of coke. I'm not judging you, obviously. We're all on here because we have a problem and need help to stop. Obviously doing coke is bad, full stop, but in the quantities you're ingesting, you have to start worrying about stroke and heart attack. Particularly if you do coke and then go to the gym- that will put an immense stress on your heart.
You sound young? You mentioned doing study? I just wonder what support you have out there? How you are getting the money to fund the coke?
Keep posting- we're all here to help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 770
Hi Natty,
a lot of my drug use was private also. My friends knew I was using, but like you Noone knew the extent to which it controlled MY life. It got to the point where getting high no longer worked - the drugs didn't stop working , but it Was no longer masking the pain. I hit a point where I finally wanted to stop and entered counseling. It has been a long and rocky road but ut is so nice to no longer be driven by my addiction .
a lot of my drug use was private also. My friends knew I was using, but like you Noone knew the extent to which it controlled MY life. It got to the point where getting high no longer worked - the drugs didn't stop working , but it Was no longer masking the pain. I hit a point where I finally wanted to stop and entered counseling. It has been a long and rocky road but ut is so nice to no longer be driven by my addiction .
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Thailand
Posts: 824
My flat mate in 3 years never knew I was a heroin addict. I couldn't wait to get back home, get to my bathroom (we had seperate ones mine ensuite so I felt safe) and I used to lie in the bathroom back to door smoking heroin and reading for hours. I used to light cigarettes to help confuse the smell in case (twice in 3 years) he came into my room & round & knocked on bathroom door. Ended up going on the nod and burning holes into the toilet seat. It was hammered by the end. **** knows what secret drug addiction means but I know it must be worse than others.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Thailand
Posts: 824
Nat you will get support here took me a dozen (at least) attempts to give up smack. This has been my major outlet and for the first 3 months clean I was posting daily. I used coke for 20 years as well but never felt like a drug I could use daily. But that's where you are cycle wise and this will help you break it - if you really want to. My heroin use spiralled from regular to full blown addict after a hard break up - I couldn't face my emotions. It's scary being addicted, the loss of control you feel, the lies, scoring, using, it's a full time job mentally. Just do whatever it takes to stop. It's hard but you won't be judged, I joined here 2012 stopped using 2014 so we always here for you - as SR was for me. They always knew I was using as I always felt bad if I came on here when I was in another cycle of insanity so I didn't post or even lurk. But you can change it - there some proper veterans of drug abuse on here who have turned it round and demonstrate it can be done and this can help reporting in on here. So please keep on posting and stay strong. No matter how bad it seems you can change it.
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