taralita

So probably when I look at this site again tomorrow, I will be facing a decision...one I of course know the answer to. As a "weekend warrior", I haven't had a weekend without crack in a very long time. I teach, I have a son, and when he goes to his father's on Fridays, I am off to the races.

I do have things I need to accomplish over the weekend out of the house, so I know whatever I did wouldn't be over the top (actually, when high, I stay home alone and clean my house...for real).

So I am thinking that rather than using then saying to myself "wow, you could have gone to meetings instead", that I might be better served going to meetings and having a voice that says "you could have used instead"; that my actions should allow the dialogue to shift, perhaps.

Trust me, I do know what I should do and need to do, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that part of me might start feeling resentful that I "wasted" my chance to escape for the weekend.

I know this is sick thinking, but I felt I needed to put it out there to own it and hopefully reinforce in my mind the decision I know I need to make.

The "finding a new way to live" part of recovery is no joke.

Also, as a huge lurker to this site for years, I thank all of you.

AnvilheadII

being ruled by crack isn't living babe, it's dying. been there done that sold posters. it's not an escape, it's a prison. when you do crack, you don't LEAVE THE HOUSE. shades drawn, doors and windows locked, as if you are locking the outside out, but you are locking YOU inside.

you have a child......and no child needs a crack smoking parent. as a teacher if you knew that one of your student's parents were high on crack, you need to report that right?

there IS life after crack. a really big awesome wonderful life. you gotta get out of thinking that crack is a good thing, your friend, your weekend retreat. i remember when i just used on the weekends.......then it started to devour the week days too.......day on day off day on day off. it was all i could think about.....that next hit.

that was over 8 long years ago now. best decision i ever made.....it can be yours too!!!! on reaching out.

Dee74

Welcome to the posting side of things taralita
Hope to see you again

D

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!! Also been there and done that with the crack. Weekends were no longer quite enough after a while.

SR was a huge help! I'm just behind Anvilhead, coming up on 8 years and I NEVER think about that stuff anymore, other than to be grateful that it no longer controls my life.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

four812

wow can I relate to that....it wasn't that long ago, but it seems like quite a while ago now (11-8-14)

Welcome to SR and I am glad you are here and posted. it sounds like smoking crack and cleaning house was a good time in reading your post. is that so? all alone cleaning? not that it matters!

OMG for me it was a nightmare. sirens. I always heard sirens. it was like the police were spirits flying towards me. then they were outside waiting to come in. and I would sit there (sometimes I would clean my house though, or try to, so they would think I was just cleaining and not really using). they were always reading my mind. they were waiting and always preparing to smash windows and pounce through doors and capture me. day after day. maybe 40% of all of the days in 13 years. during the last, oh about 7 years of it I was always alone. it was never fun, but I tried to believe it was fun.

I would try to puke to get the rocks out of my throat/stomach that fell down when I was holding them at the top of my throat so i could swallow them when they caught me. towards the end it was harder to get them back out. impossible. but i would try. i would try for hours. I drank gallons of water/pop/beer and then shove my fingers and toothbrushes down my throat until i puked and then i would skim through the puke and search for rocks. when one came out every 50th time I thought it was the most important thing in the world. but it wasn't happy....then i smoked and started the process all over again.

OH god....you brought me close to this memory. I'm glad i got to remember it just now.

but tonight i'm packing for vacation and just checked in here before i turn off my computer and wait for my clothes to finish in the dryer. No crack tonight and that's cool. I'm very glad. I had kind've forgotten. forgotten the nightmare.

If i were to choose to go out and get one. just one....just one 50 dollar rock...then I'd be back to the races. back to the nightmare. i want the thirteen years to be over this time. I'm trying so hard and making changes as best i can and that old world is falling away, but it is only the flip of a switch away....I don't want to be a 70 year old crack addict! I'm 54 now and I want to stay stopped.

the first few years weren't as bad as i described....but they were more dangerous. I could have been killed several times.

but it's over. it's over if I want it to be. it's over if i change. I have to change from hate to love. I have been hating the world my whole life, hating whatever I don't like. I put on a false happy personality but inside i was filled with hate and other stuff too. I had good parts too; but the hate and anger and hoplesslessness was prime time.

We only got a glimpse of your story and your welcome to share more. your welclome to share it all. there's more detail in my own of course but i gave you the glimpse that was a snap shot in my mind as i read your post. your first post.

you might never use again. what could you do? what could you be? If you find yourself and your place in the world and see how wonderful you are you could be raising a child that will save the world!!

keep coming back and keep posting if you want....anything you share is ok here. one of the great things about this site is the anonymity. even more so than AA or NA or hospitals etc.

I pray you may happy tonight.
love you

Chasingthedream

Hey Taralita, glad you reached out and posted on here. I too was a lurker here myself for a few years before I plucked up the courage to join about a year ago.

As a mum of 2, I can relate to what you're saying. You have a hard week, and then you feel you deserve to have some peace and relaxation by doing whatever it is you crave to do, or feel will help.

As everyone else has said though- is this really a healthy 'escape'? Shutting yourself in and cleaning, getting high, by yourself.

We have all been there and it is a scary frightening place. When you think about it objectively for a minute- it is f***ed up..

It is sad that we addicts think of this, the abuse of drugs and our bodies, as our chance to escape. Just think how much happier you could be, if your escape was a walk in the forest, or catching up with friends, or exploring the world outside your window. Or whatever it is that rocked your world BEFORE you used drugs.

I used cocaine recreationally for years, and then one day, I don't know why, it started to become a problem for me and i began using in secret. I was never a daily user, more like fortnightly, but once I started to use regardless of what I was doing that day, regardless whether the kids were there, I knew I had a BIG problem. Nothing is more important to me than my children, so I knew I had to stop.

What happens when the weekend stops being enough for you? When you want to get high when your child is there. Just asking questions to help you to think things through.

We are all here to listen.