Eating Issues
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: U.S.
Posts: 43
Eating Issues
I am 13 days clean. I Made it through the detox phase. Physically for some unknown reason detox was not hard for me. My challenge is unrealistic fear. Fear something bad is going to happen. So that has me on a roller coaster of anxiety. It's awful. I feel mentally fragile and weak.
I maybe have a delusion of who I am but I've never seen myself as mentally weak. I am a take charge and things done type of person. I am a fixer by nature. However my Vicodin addiction for the last 5 years has changed me. I no longer am strong. I do not like who I am right now. I don't know if it's the addiction issues or if I'm just a different person. Either way, this person, she's not cool!
Anyway my issue is eating. My ability to eat is directly related to my level of anxiety. I have been unable to really eat anything of substance for 10'days. I am surviving on ensure and an occasional banana. I know the anxiety jumps when my blood sugar plummets. I know that I can physically feel better if I had food. I know that one cannot deal with the anxiety if you don't have proper nutrition. But I'm real tired of eating something and vomiting. The only meds I am taking is ranatidine for the acid issues. I take a mutivitamin, St. John's wart and vitamin D. All of those I can take in the morning without food and be ok. But the anxiety kicks in when I think I have to eat again later. I'm a bit nervous I'm going to trade my Vicodin issue for anorexia. I do have plenty of extra pounds on me, but I want to be clean and sober.....not trade one issue for another.
I went cold turkey from a 20 pill a day addiction. Detox wasn't hard for me. I only have anxiety from not taking the pills. It seems that everything physical went straight to feeling anxious. It's really difficult for me to handle. I am thankful to not have cravings. I have a near panic attack at the thought of taking a pill.
I know how/when/why my addiction started. I almost knowingly did it on purpose. I feel like I made a choice to check out of my life. This did not sneak up on me. I was tired of heartache. I sought out the numbness.
I hate what I've done to myself. I am no where near who I once was. No one in my life knows of my addiction. I came as close to clean as I could with my husband. He knows 90% of the truth. I am currently being a chicken and not telling him the whole truth of how many pills I was taking.
I am also annoyed that my doctors were so willing to just write me scripts constantly. I mean geez! Why is it so easy to get pills in my life! I wish it would have been harder, maybe I wouldn't have done this to myself......who am I kidding! I probably would have found some illegal way to get them.
Sorry for rambling! This is my first time actually being honest with people about the drugs.
I maybe have a delusion of who I am but I've never seen myself as mentally weak. I am a take charge and things done type of person. I am a fixer by nature. However my Vicodin addiction for the last 5 years has changed me. I no longer am strong. I do not like who I am right now. I don't know if it's the addiction issues or if I'm just a different person. Either way, this person, she's not cool!
Anyway my issue is eating. My ability to eat is directly related to my level of anxiety. I have been unable to really eat anything of substance for 10'days. I am surviving on ensure and an occasional banana. I know the anxiety jumps when my blood sugar plummets. I know that I can physically feel better if I had food. I know that one cannot deal with the anxiety if you don't have proper nutrition. But I'm real tired of eating something and vomiting. The only meds I am taking is ranatidine for the acid issues. I take a mutivitamin, St. John's wart and vitamin D. All of those I can take in the morning without food and be ok. But the anxiety kicks in when I think I have to eat again later. I'm a bit nervous I'm going to trade my Vicodin issue for anorexia. I do have plenty of extra pounds on me, but I want to be clean and sober.....not trade one issue for another.
I went cold turkey from a 20 pill a day addiction. Detox wasn't hard for me. I only have anxiety from not taking the pills. It seems that everything physical went straight to feeling anxious. It's really difficult for me to handle. I am thankful to not have cravings. I have a near panic attack at the thought of taking a pill.
I know how/when/why my addiction started. I almost knowingly did it on purpose. I feel like I made a choice to check out of my life. This did not sneak up on me. I was tired of heartache. I sought out the numbness.
I hate what I've done to myself. I am no where near who I once was. No one in my life knows of my addiction. I came as close to clean as I could with my husband. He knows 90% of the truth. I am currently being a chicken and not telling him the whole truth of how many pills I was taking.
I am also annoyed that my doctors were so willing to just write me scripts constantly. I mean geez! Why is it so easy to get pills in my life! I wish it would have been harder, maybe I wouldn't have done this to myself......who am I kidding! I probably would have found some illegal way to get them.
Sorry for rambling! This is my first time actually being honest with people about the drugs.
Guest
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
Welcome. I will congratulate you for your 13 days of being "clean" but have to add that it is not really very long in the overall scope of things. You describe an addiction that is certainly not the largest on record by any means but considerable all the same.
You indeed have changed yourself in not taking the drugs but have not had time enough to relieve yourself of those changes. Your body does not know what to do with itself yet. Your synapses are not only coming back to life but finding that there are no drugs. You cannot/should not expect that everything is back to normal because that can take some time.
You got out of the initial "habit" of drugging yourself and I have to add that it was not so hard for me either and my habit was about the same. You have not, however, recovered normal function.
For me the anxiety showed up in an inability to sleep. I would be tired and go to bed but could feel a level of anxiety that in no way was going to let me sleep. I simply buzzed with anxiety. I tingled with anxiety. This went on for 3 months. Yes, 3 months with almost no sleep. The anxiety also kept me awake during the day so I really didn't suffer from the lack of sleep all that much. It seemed to feed on itself.
Eventually it calmed down and I began to sleep and find a level of normalcy but there were still times when I wondered if I was going to need an anti anxiety med. I stayed away from such things as I could feel the uptick in my mood just thinking of taking something again.
Personally I tried to not do the things that you are doing with the vitamins, ranatidine and so on as I couldn't tolerate any pills entering my body again and wanted to just be "natural" so to speak. I felt that if I was taking something to feel better I was just perpetuating the problem. I had taken pills, and whatever, for so long trying to make my self feel better and what that habit did to me - or me to myself - was to take me straight to hell.
The long range projection for you is that you will get better with time but then you have only begun the battle as you can NEVER, EVER go back.
You indeed have changed yourself in not taking the drugs but have not had time enough to relieve yourself of those changes. Your body does not know what to do with itself yet. Your synapses are not only coming back to life but finding that there are no drugs. You cannot/should not expect that everything is back to normal because that can take some time.
You got out of the initial "habit" of drugging yourself and I have to add that it was not so hard for me either and my habit was about the same. You have not, however, recovered normal function.
For me the anxiety showed up in an inability to sleep. I would be tired and go to bed but could feel a level of anxiety that in no way was going to let me sleep. I simply buzzed with anxiety. I tingled with anxiety. This went on for 3 months. Yes, 3 months with almost no sleep. The anxiety also kept me awake during the day so I really didn't suffer from the lack of sleep all that much. It seemed to feed on itself.
Eventually it calmed down and I began to sleep and find a level of normalcy but there were still times when I wondered if I was going to need an anti anxiety med. I stayed away from such things as I could feel the uptick in my mood just thinking of taking something again.
Personally I tried to not do the things that you are doing with the vitamins, ranatidine and so on as I couldn't tolerate any pills entering my body again and wanted to just be "natural" so to speak. I felt that if I was taking something to feel better I was just perpetuating the problem. I had taken pills, and whatever, for so long trying to make my self feel better and what that habit did to me - or me to myself - was to take me straight to hell.
The long range projection for you is that you will get better with time but then you have only begun the battle as you can NEVER, EVER go back.
Guest
Join Date: May 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,086
Hi Kate,
The first thing that jumped out at me was the St Johns Wart. I am on medication for my own mental health problems and I know that that particular remedy can interact with loads of other stuff so definitely check that out if you haven't already.
You are doing a great job so far and you have got this! But the anxiety is going to take some time to settle down. You're not weak in any capacity, but addiction can make you think you are. You are dealing with this on a daily basis and even on your worst days in recovery, you have a cause, you have something to strive for and you can do this!
The first thing that jumped out at me was the St Johns Wart. I am on medication for my own mental health problems and I know that that particular remedy can interact with loads of other stuff so definitely check that out if you haven't already.
You are doing a great job so far and you have got this! But the anxiety is going to take some time to settle down. You're not weak in any capacity, but addiction can make you think you are. You are dealing with this on a daily basis and even on your worst days in recovery, you have a cause, you have something to strive for and you can do this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: U.S.
Posts: 43
Liv,
Patience is not a virtue I have ever had. Ha ha ha! I guess I'm expecting more than I am capable of producing. I never thought of the fact that I am still taking pills to make something different in my life. I am going to evaluate that! Thank you for pointing that out. I guess I was thinking because it's a vitamin it was different. But in reality it isn't!
13 days is nothing compared to true sobriety. I am still at the starting line. I guess I'm a whimp and wanting to be "all better" right now. That's kind of sad! It didn't take 13 days to be a an addict.....
Really I just want food. I use to really like food, evidence is the size of my jeans! Well that and I hate ensure! It's pretty yucky!
Patience is not a virtue I have ever had. Ha ha ha! I guess I'm expecting more than I am capable of producing. I never thought of the fact that I am still taking pills to make something different in my life. I am going to evaluate that! Thank you for pointing that out. I guess I was thinking because it's a vitamin it was different. But in reality it isn't!
13 days is nothing compared to true sobriety. I am still at the starting line. I guess I'm a whimp and wanting to be "all better" right now. That's kind of sad! It didn't take 13 days to be a an addict.....
Really I just want food. I use to really like food, evidence is the size of my jeans! Well that and I hate ensure! It's pretty yucky!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Hi Kate and welcome to SR! So happy to meet you! 13 days are awesome! You are doing great...off to a wonderful start!
I am an anxiety sufferer too....and boy was my anxiety over the top during my first two weeks of recovery. I think that's pretty normal! On a good note, it does get better! In fact I have less anxiety now then when I was in active addiction. I know hard to fathom. But I think opiates cause anxiety....because when we take a pill, our brain creates a huge amount of dopamine....which is responsible for that feel good euphoric feeling we get. So, obviously, when we stop taking them....we get a dopamine shortage...which in turn causes us anxiety and depression. It takes time for our brains to adjust and produce it at more balanced levels. Once it does....you will see a noticeable difference in your anxiety. In the meantime there are ways to kick in the production.....exercise, doing things we enjoy (even though nothing seems enjoyable right now), meditation, watching feel-good movies, mindfulness techniques, cuddling and sex with your partner, getting a nice massage, listening to music..etc.. Those are just a few.
Just give it some time and believe me your appetite will come back....I couldn't eat for at least a month out either.
Also, cut yourself some slack. We have all done things we weren't happy about. But now it's over....you are in recovery....so you are on a great path to being that person from your past....not JUST that person.....but the new and improved version! Because having gone thru what you have and working thru your recovery has and will make you an amazing person.
((((Kate))))
I am an anxiety sufferer too....and boy was my anxiety over the top during my first two weeks of recovery. I think that's pretty normal! On a good note, it does get better! In fact I have less anxiety now then when I was in active addiction. I know hard to fathom. But I think opiates cause anxiety....because when we take a pill, our brain creates a huge amount of dopamine....which is responsible for that feel good euphoric feeling we get. So, obviously, when we stop taking them....we get a dopamine shortage...which in turn causes us anxiety and depression. It takes time for our brains to adjust and produce it at more balanced levels. Once it does....you will see a noticeable difference in your anxiety. In the meantime there are ways to kick in the production.....exercise, doing things we enjoy (even though nothing seems enjoyable right now), meditation, watching feel-good movies, mindfulness techniques, cuddling and sex with your partner, getting a nice massage, listening to music..etc.. Those are just a few.
Just give it some time and believe me your appetite will come back....I couldn't eat for at least a month out either.
Also, cut yourself some slack. We have all done things we weren't happy about. But now it's over....you are in recovery....so you are on a great path to being that person from your past....not JUST that person.....but the new and improved version! Because having gone thru what you have and working thru your recovery has and will make you an amazing person.
((((Kate))))
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