Am I an addict?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12
Am I an addict?
I realize I'm not the first person to ask this question. I also realize there's probably lots of different answers. Here's my story and why I'm asking the question:
I'm 43 years old with a wife and 2 great kids. About 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with Shingles on my forehead, scalp and eye. I was prescribed gabapentin, acyclovir and a 5 day supply of vicodin 5/325's. Unfortunately, the shingles didn't go away like they thought. The pain was immense. So, they put me on norco's (vicodin) 10/325's for 6 months. I was taking anywhere from 3-5 a day. I could take up to 6 per day as prescribed. About 3-4 months in, I would take 2 or 3 at once to give me that little "lift" that these pills seemed to give me. After 6 months of the norco's, I began to worry that I'd get addicted if I continued using them (even as prescribed). So, I quit. I had 2-3 days of low energy, depression, diarrhea. But, it honestly wasn't too bad. I did take one day off work.
I still had a lot of pain from the shingles but was afraid of getting addicted. So, I flushed the remaining 700 pills down the toilet. Well, after not doing anything for about 2-3 months. I went to see my doctor and told him I was still having pain which was true. (I've since been diagnosed with chronic shingles). He said why don't you try tramadol as it's much "lighter" than norco's and not addictive. So, I tried those for a few days but started to look forward to the small "buzz" they gave me too. So, I threw them down the toilet too. (I realize I'm sounding crazy). Then, the doctor said why dont you try Nucynta--a new opioid that's 87% less addictive than hydro and/or oxy. So, I said sure. I still have that prescription, but my wife is in charge of it so I don't over use it. However, when I take one they still give me that little lift. For the past few months, I've found myself looking for where she hides them. I found them and took a few...she didn't know. Then, I went home to visit my parents and I found my mom's old bottle of vicodin. I took a few of those too. I realize that's "addictive" behavior. But, I'm also in chronic pain. I'm not sure what to do. I'm paranoid of becoming an addict. Yet, I do have chronic pain. I'll go a few weeks with out taking any. Then, ask my wife for one. Then, find a hidden stash or take a few of my mom's. Then, swear them off completely for a few weeks. Then, start the weird process over again.
I'm open to any and all input. I still hold down a 6-figure job. So far, none of this has really cost me anything, other than peace of mind. I constantly worry that I'm going to become an addict. But, then I think "I've got constant pain--I need a few just to get me by."
Thanks in advance for your input. Have a Merry Christmas!
I'm 43 years old with a wife and 2 great kids. About 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with Shingles on my forehead, scalp and eye. I was prescribed gabapentin, acyclovir and a 5 day supply of vicodin 5/325's. Unfortunately, the shingles didn't go away like they thought. The pain was immense. So, they put me on norco's (vicodin) 10/325's for 6 months. I was taking anywhere from 3-5 a day. I could take up to 6 per day as prescribed. About 3-4 months in, I would take 2 or 3 at once to give me that little "lift" that these pills seemed to give me. After 6 months of the norco's, I began to worry that I'd get addicted if I continued using them (even as prescribed). So, I quit. I had 2-3 days of low energy, depression, diarrhea. But, it honestly wasn't too bad. I did take one day off work.
I still had a lot of pain from the shingles but was afraid of getting addicted. So, I flushed the remaining 700 pills down the toilet. Well, after not doing anything for about 2-3 months. I went to see my doctor and told him I was still having pain which was true. (I've since been diagnosed with chronic shingles). He said why don't you try tramadol as it's much "lighter" than norco's and not addictive. So, I tried those for a few days but started to look forward to the small "buzz" they gave me too. So, I threw them down the toilet too. (I realize I'm sounding crazy). Then, the doctor said why dont you try Nucynta--a new opioid that's 87% less addictive than hydro and/or oxy. So, I said sure. I still have that prescription, but my wife is in charge of it so I don't over use it. However, when I take one they still give me that little lift. For the past few months, I've found myself looking for where she hides them. I found them and took a few...she didn't know. Then, I went home to visit my parents and I found my mom's old bottle of vicodin. I took a few of those too. I realize that's "addictive" behavior. But, I'm also in chronic pain. I'm not sure what to do. I'm paranoid of becoming an addict. Yet, I do have chronic pain. I'll go a few weeks with out taking any. Then, ask my wife for one. Then, find a hidden stash or take a few of my mom's. Then, swear them off completely for a few weeks. Then, start the weird process over again.
I'm open to any and all input. I still hold down a 6-figure job. So far, none of this has really cost me anything, other than peace of mind. I constantly worry that I'm going to become an addict. But, then I think "I've got constant pain--I need a few just to get me by."
Thanks in advance for your input. Have a Merry Christmas!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi Freddy and welcome. I didn't abuse opiates but I did abuse benzos. I can't really tell you if you are an addict, but some of your behavior is very reminiscent of my earlier days when I was definitely on the fringes. I was initially prescribed Ambien for a sleep disorder almost 20 years ago. I took it as directed, and not every night. As I got older I developed an autoimmune inflammatory condition. Lack of sleep aggravated it as did stress, so I was often in pain.
Initially I was put on a lot of meds like tramadol, but they didn't really tough the pain. Then I was prescribed Klonopin which did help, at least at the outset. Over the course of the next 10 years I grew increasingly focused on my sleep, pain, stress. I began to have almost a second voice in my head that would anticipate the relief that a pill would bring. I started taking more Ambien and more Klonopin, and I was drinking more and more too. Whereas prior to meds I would go for a run to decompress, I began to seek comfort in pills and alcohol.
My abuse built up gradually. I used to look forward to that period of calm energy and anticipate feeling the pain melt away. I forgot how to do other things to alleviate my discomfort, it was too easy to pop a pill or have a drink. And my life was going fine, so an extra pill here and there didn't really hurt anyone, right?
I think you are wise to be aware of behavior that might be a precursor to more serious issues. I think there was a time when I knew I was playing with fire but I decided to ignore the warning bells and figured I wasn't hurting anyone, it was my little secret. I think I crossed that invisible line where somewhere my brain chemistry changed, and my reasoning got very blurred.
Opiates change your brain chemistry, you create a lot of receptors and then when you stop taking the meds your body keeps hungering to fill those new receptors. I would encourage you to learn about what actually happens when you do take opiates, there is a physical reason they can be so hard to kick. I think you are really really wise to be aware of the potential for a bigger dilemma. I learned that many docs have no idea of how powerfully addictive meds can be, it really is up to us to be our own advocates. And if you are like me, and have the predisposition to use, then having substances available can be complicated.
I know others with a history with opiates will be along. I just wanted to welcome you and encourage you to read other threads in this forum about others who have been in your shoes.
Initially I was put on a lot of meds like tramadol, but they didn't really tough the pain. Then I was prescribed Klonopin which did help, at least at the outset. Over the course of the next 10 years I grew increasingly focused on my sleep, pain, stress. I began to have almost a second voice in my head that would anticipate the relief that a pill would bring. I started taking more Ambien and more Klonopin, and I was drinking more and more too. Whereas prior to meds I would go for a run to decompress, I began to seek comfort in pills and alcohol.
My abuse built up gradually. I used to look forward to that period of calm energy and anticipate feeling the pain melt away. I forgot how to do other things to alleviate my discomfort, it was too easy to pop a pill or have a drink. And my life was going fine, so an extra pill here and there didn't really hurt anyone, right?
I think you are wise to be aware of behavior that might be a precursor to more serious issues. I think there was a time when I knew I was playing with fire but I decided to ignore the warning bells and figured I wasn't hurting anyone, it was my little secret. I think I crossed that invisible line where somewhere my brain chemistry changed, and my reasoning got very blurred.
Opiates change your brain chemistry, you create a lot of receptors and then when you stop taking the meds your body keeps hungering to fill those new receptors. I would encourage you to learn about what actually happens when you do take opiates, there is a physical reason they can be so hard to kick. I think you are really really wise to be aware of the potential for a bigger dilemma. I learned that many docs have no idea of how powerfully addictive meds can be, it really is up to us to be our own advocates. And if you are like me, and have the predisposition to use, then having substances available can be complicated.
I know others with a history with opiates will be along. I just wanted to welcome you and encourage you to read other threads in this forum about others who have been in your shoes.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
What's the old saying? If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, it's a duck. And if the duck steals his mom's pills? The duck might be an addict.
Are you an addict? You don't seem to be taking them as prescribed. In that, I mean you are taking them for the buzz. That's scary territory for someone with access to pain meds. Once those receptors in the brain get a taste of opiates, you are treading on thin ice.
I don't know what chronic shingles feels like, and it sounds like the meds work. But you might see another doctor and seek out drug-free treatment.
What's the old saying? If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, it's a duck. And if the duck steals his mom's pills? The duck might be an addict.
Are you an addict? You don't seem to be taking them as prescribed. In that, I mean you are taking them for the buzz. That's scary territory for someone with access to pain meds. Once those receptors in the brain get a taste of opiates, you are treading on thin ice.
I don't know what chronic shingles feels like, and it sounds like the meds work. But you might see another doctor and seek out drug-free treatment.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
I just wrote this on another thread so i feel like I'm repeating myself. Pain in and of itself can become a problem relative to medications - opiods in particular. The very presence of pain allows you to fulfill a desire that you have and so the pain is your trigger and I guarantee that your brain will exaggerate the crap out of your pain in order to fulfill the need it perceives.
At this moment it seems as if you have an element of control over the pills in that you are able to not take them but then again you can't not take them at the same time.
Note that you can gain some control but then again the pain worsens and SOMEHOW you end up taking the pills again.
I am just like you and ANY medication will produce some type of buzz or a certain swagger or looseness of the tongue and man do I like that feeling.
I am unable to control pain pills - or my taking of them or my enjoyment of them - so must stay completely and absolutely away from them.
With that conviction I have made it through chronic shingles, a moderate surgery and daily involvement with diabetic neuropathy which is similar if not identical with shingles and have never considered - wanted but not considered - any opiate medication.
In the past I have taken them for the fun of it, however, and have gone to hell on numerous occasions.
At this moment it seems as if you have an element of control over the pills in that you are able to not take them but then again you can't not take them at the same time.
Note that you can gain some control but then again the pain worsens and SOMEHOW you end up taking the pills again.
I am just like you and ANY medication will produce some type of buzz or a certain swagger or looseness of the tongue and man do I like that feeling.
I am unable to control pain pills - or my taking of them or my enjoyment of them - so must stay completely and absolutely away from them.
With that conviction I have made it through chronic shingles, a moderate surgery and daily involvement with diabetic neuropathy which is similar if not identical with shingles and have never considered - wanted but not considered - any opiate medication.
In the past I have taken them for the fun of it, however, and have gone to hell on numerous occasions.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 598
Hi freddy 
I agree with what others have already said, and will add my 2 cents for what it's worth. Sadly this is a progressive disease and I can remember when I could go two months in between taking something. Until it got to the point that I could hardly go two hours. I have also had chronic pain issues, but they developed to that point after I was all ready addicted. There is nothing like true pain (which I do not doubt you are in - I have a few people close to me with shingles and I know it hurts) to justify taking them - believe me.
Are you addicted or an addict? Don't let yourself get caught up in the semantics if it's upsetting to you. You have an adverse reaction. Right now you are at a good place - you acknowledge something has gone awry and you've even been able to destroy pills. The addict in me weeps for those 700 pills. I have no idea how you had the strength to do that, as I've never been able to throw a pill out, but it's wonderful you could. The thing is, to echo what TE said, from reading your post you are chasing/craving them for the buzz, not for pain relief. And that is where you cross over. And I understand that, I did the same thing.
There a lot of people who would like to see opiates illegal, but I am not one of those. For most people they are able to take them while in pain, and once no longer in pain simply stop taking them. That is mystifying to me, but that's how it's done and pain relief should not be denied to them because I have a problem (adverse reaction even). The biggest problem here is that opiates just aren't sustainable for chronic pain. Even if you were not addicted to them mentally - eventually you will become physically dependent on them. And there is no way to stop tolerance, so they will stop helping with pain....and the only solution is to increase the dosage. And you can't keep increasing it forvevr, it eventually gets to an end and then what?
I'm sorry you're in pain freddy. I am sorry for all that suffer chronic pain - it is not easy and really takes its toll in many ways on us. I'm not sure if there are non-narcotic options or treatments for shingles but perhaps look in to those? I think you are really in a good place to nip it in the bud. You don't want to get to my point where reading a post about flushing pills actually gives you a physical sick response, even now.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, ok? Sending all the well wishes I can your way
I agree with what others have already said, and will add my 2 cents for what it's worth. Sadly this is a progressive disease and I can remember when I could go two months in between taking something. Until it got to the point that I could hardly go two hours. I have also had chronic pain issues, but they developed to that point after I was all ready addicted. There is nothing like true pain (which I do not doubt you are in - I have a few people close to me with shingles and I know it hurts) to justify taking them - believe me.
Are you addicted or an addict? Don't let yourself get caught up in the semantics if it's upsetting to you. You have an adverse reaction. Right now you are at a good place - you acknowledge something has gone awry and you've even been able to destroy pills. The addict in me weeps for those 700 pills. I have no idea how you had the strength to do that, as I've never been able to throw a pill out, but it's wonderful you could. The thing is, to echo what TE said, from reading your post you are chasing/craving them for the buzz, not for pain relief. And that is where you cross over. And I understand that, I did the same thing.
There a lot of people who would like to see opiates illegal, but I am not one of those. For most people they are able to take them while in pain, and once no longer in pain simply stop taking them. That is mystifying to me, but that's how it's done and pain relief should not be denied to them because I have a problem (adverse reaction even
). The biggest problem here is that opiates just aren't sustainable for chronic pain. Even if you were not addicted to them mentally - eventually you will become physically dependent on them. And there is no way to stop tolerance, so they will stop helping with pain....and the only solution is to increase the dosage. And you can't keep increasing it forvevr, it eventually gets to an end and then what?I'm sorry you're in pain freddy. I am sorry for all that suffer chronic pain - it is not easy and really takes its toll in many ways on us. I'm not sure if there are non-narcotic options or treatments for shingles but perhaps look in to those? I think you are really in a good place to nip it in the bud. You don't want to get to my point where reading a post about flushing pills actually gives you a physical sick response, even now.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, ok? Sending all the well wishes I can your way
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Thailand
Posts: 824
It's murky territory when you cross over from user to addict in my experience. I can't tell you exactly when I crossed from regular user of heroin to someone who would lie and let people down and be physically sick if I didn't get my fix.
It's a horrible life mate, opiates control your life, your thoughts, you dream about them. I've taken drugs heavily all my adult life (17 onwards weed, E's - my true love - speed, coke) before heroin took control of me in my late 30's.
It does insane things to your brain opiates mate the sooner you can stop and get out of it the better. Trust me no one ever gets the better of opiates, I thought, being the smart arse drug caner/semi successful career person I was that I could control it. Incorrect. It will seduce you and at times drag you into it's lair and it's really hard to get out of when you are there. The deeper into the lair you go the harder it is to get out. Sounds like you are an addict but still on the edges of fully fledged addict activity - my advice is to stop as soon as you can cos if you smart enough to come on here at this stage believe me you won't want the life that comes with a fully fledged, flat out opiate addiction. Get out now will be so much easier - I wish more than anything id followed my own advice 2 years ago! **** it off while you can - if you keep playing with it it will get you - it doesn't discern like that. Be strong brother X
It's a horrible life mate, opiates control your life, your thoughts, you dream about them. I've taken drugs heavily all my adult life (17 onwards weed, E's - my true love - speed, coke) before heroin took control of me in my late 30's.
It does insane things to your brain opiates mate the sooner you can stop and get out of it the better. Trust me no one ever gets the better of opiates, I thought, being the smart arse drug caner/semi successful career person I was that I could control it. Incorrect. It will seduce you and at times drag you into it's lair and it's really hard to get out of when you are there. The deeper into the lair you go the harder it is to get out. Sounds like you are an addict but still on the edges of fully fledged addict activity - my advice is to stop as soon as you can cos if you smart enough to come on here at this stage believe me you won't want the life that comes with a fully fledged, flat out opiate addiction. Get out now will be so much easier - I wish more than anything id followed my own advice 2 years ago! **** it off while you can - if you keep playing with it it will get you - it doesn't discern like that. Be strong brother X
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Hi Freddy......for years I did those "are you an alcoholic?" Quizzes. You know the ones, where you answer 12 questions and if you answer yes three of more times them you MAY have a problem. I would answer yes maybe 8 or 9 times and then reread and rerationalise so that I ended up with two yes answers. So clearly not a problem drinker so.
Turns out I was a raging alcoholic for 20 years. Drop the pills dude before you start to disappear further down the rabbit hole.
Turns out I was a raging alcoholic for 20 years. Drop the pills dude before you start to disappear further down the rabbit hole.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12
First...I want to say "Thanks" for all the replies. I'm overwhelmed by the wisdom and truth that you all are sharing with me. One thing is clear--I've got a problem with opioids. It's humbling to even write that sentence but it's true. I feel like Smiegel in Lord of the Rings..."I hate the pills but I love the pills." 2 years ago, I never thought about opiates. Now...to do them or not to do them is always on my mind. I like my doctor and have been with him for 10 years. But, he clearly doesn't think taking opioids every day for pain is a big deal. But, for me, it is. When I look back on my life, I realize I've always toe-dangled at the edge of the pool of addiction. I quit drinking about 4 months ago because I was consuming 15-20 drinks a week. In my 20's I would gamble more $ than I had about 3-4 times a year. Then, swear it off, then go to Vegas again with my buddies and do it again. I suck at being an addict because I can't jump in with both feet, but can't completely abstain. To top things off, I'm a big fan of Jesus Christ and do believe that he loves my flawed a$$. My wife and I even lead a weekly Bible Study. Yet, I have this secret propensity towards stimulation in any form...pills, alcohol, gambling, R-rated porn. Hell, I've quit tobacco about 1,000 times. But, still buy a can of dip about every 2 weeks or so...have one or 2...then, throw the can out. I'm pretty jacked up. That's what makes me feel guilty. I'm praying that I can get out of this cycle, especially with the opioids, they really scare me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 57
It's cool you are so aware and concerned. When you are dealing with chronic pain I can see how it would be difficult to tell what your motives are each time. I agree that taking it when you didn't intend to, or not for pain is reason to be aware and concerned.
While I certainly understand being careful and wanting to avoid addiction, at the same time, there is a legit reason these medications exist and living with pain is wrong also. It seems to me that if you use the less addictive painkiller your dr prescribed, with your wife's help, you can avoid a serious issue with addiction while having some quality of life from pain management.
While I certainly understand being careful and wanting to avoid addiction, at the same time, there is a legit reason these medications exist and living with pain is wrong also. It seems to me that if you use the less addictive painkiller your dr prescribed, with your wife's help, you can avoid a serious issue with addiction while having some quality of life from pain management.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Hi Freddy, welcome to SR.
I am impressed with the fact that are able to see you have a problem with addiction and do something about it....before it destroys your life. I will not answer your question because I think you already know the answer. But at the same time you suffer from pain. Btw my husband had the shingles so I know how painful they are. My husband has been thru heart decease and a double bypass, kidney stones and shingles. He said shingles was by far the worst when it came to pain. Plus I don't think he had them as bad as you do and they healed up..not chronic like yours. If at all possible, find some alternative means of pain control. Taking even trams is not an option unless you want to suffer from addiction for the rest of your life. Whether doctors want to admit it or not Trams are just as addicting as other opiates...maybe more so....because it has an SRI in it. But that is only my advice....you need to decide what's right for you.
Glad you are here with us.
I am impressed with the fact that are able to see you have a problem with addiction and do something about it....before it destroys your life. I will not answer your question because I think you already know the answer. But at the same time you suffer from pain. Btw my husband had the shingles so I know how painful they are. My husband has been thru heart decease and a double bypass, kidney stones and shingles. He said shingles was by far the worst when it came to pain. Plus I don't think he had them as bad as you do and they healed up..not chronic like yours. If at all possible, find some alternative means of pain control. Taking even trams is not an option unless you want to suffer from addiction for the rest of your life. Whether doctors want to admit it or not Trams are just as addicting as other opiates...maybe more so....because it has an SRI in it. But that is only my advice....you need to decide what's right for you.
Glad you are here with us.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Thailand
Posts: 824
Gave up drinking 15/20 drinks a week? Freddie are you a WUM?! Regardless it's horrible thinking about heroin all the time, tedious as ****! I accept I'll always have cravings and think about it such is the human brain just gotta live without it , get out of using opiates while you can they'll take your soul mate if you don't.
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