Marcus

Well here we are the day after Thanksgiving. In recovery circles everyone warns you about the Holidays and how difficult they can be for those in recovery. I don't think that goes for just those in recovery, but so many people in general. Obviously the loved ones of someone who is either in or out of recovery feel it too, but many people who are displaced from their families (soldiers, truck drivers, people who have lost a family member recently for whatever reason, people struggling with depression, and on and on).

For me today with 2 and a 1/2 years sober I am conflicted. I seem to feel it more the days AFTER the Holidays versus the actual Holidays themselves. Today my wife and 3 kids followed our tradition of putting up our Christmas Tree and all the other nick nacks that go along with it. It is a very happy time in my life today, BUT for some reason now that we are winding down a bit and spending time together I am feeling a bit sad. Sad about time I lost and wasted while abusing drugs, but also sad for other addicts and their families going through the same thing. Along with this sadness is a feeling of anger at just what Drugs and Alcohol do to families (including my own).

I am so grateful for what I have today. So happy I am not in active addiction and the constant struggle and disappointment of what that means not only to me, but my family. I check in on the friends and family forum quite a bit which really helps to cement in my mind the exact reasons why I NEVER EVER want to use again. Now sure I am angry at drugs and alcohol, but of course so much of it is personal responsibility. Finding the desire to get clean and doing what it takes to stay sober was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I know it should be easy - just say no right, but it was a constant and non-stop struggle for close to a decade.

I know this anger and sadness will lift as I spend time with my family which for so many addicts and loved ones of addicts do not have. Also their are those who have their active addict around for the Holidays, but instead of it being a happy time it is a miserable soul draining experience.

Not quite sure what the point of this thread is, but just feeling a lot of emotions at the moment and figured others might be as well. I know it isn't healthy to dwell on the past because there is nothing I can do about it today. So I am going to let these feelings go and part of doing that is writing about it. So much of recovery is gratitude and living in today. I swear the thought of shooting dope right now disgusts me. I am not quite sure where that came from. I used to think about it day and night. It was the first thought in my mind when I woke up and the last thought in my mind when I went to sleep (or passed out).

So for those struggling OR even family members who are going through another FAILED holiday just trying to add a bit of hope to the future. I am not saying everyone's loved one will recover and in fact many will not. But no matter what happens each and every one of us has the power to change the situation we are in. The question is ARE WE READY AND WILLING TO MAKE A CHANGE? What better time than now? Don't wait another day because I regret every single day I lost to my addiction (as I am sure many loved ones feel about all of the wasted time they spent enabling their addict or stuck in co-dependency). All I can do is make sure I never ever go back to that place. Happy Holidays Everyone!!!

Marcus

Sitting here just got a fire going in the fireplace and have Christmas music playing and my 6 year old daughter is jumping around on the couch singing and smiling and happy as can be. Honestly hard not to break down in tears at just how grateful I am because there have been lots of times where this wasn't the case. I was either not here or checked out or scheming to figure out a reason why I needed to leave the house to go score a couple more grams of dope. This tells me just how powerful the pull of drugs are because anyone in their right minds could NEVER EVER EVER choose drugs over this. F*CK you drugs and alcohol - you are never EVER going to take me away from these moments AGAIN. This moment right here right now is so much better than any drug - ACTUALLY why the hell am I wasting it posting on this forum? Haha just a quick side track to document this and remember why I am so dam grateful for what I have today. PEACE YALL - Back to living life!!!

Marcus

Hey I have no problem talking to myself - If I am the only person that reads and comments on this thread it is enough for me because maybe some day when I might be struggling a bit I can come back and read it.

So did I tell you I LOVE TO COOK? Yes we ate mounds of turkey and stuffing and the like yesterday. Yep had some leftovers today some turkey samiches for lunch but eventually you get tired of the turkey so making some BBQ beef in the crock pot tonight. Have some dinner rolls to make some little sandwiches and cut up some potatoes and spiced them with garlic, onion, salt, pepper, and oil. I love cooking for my family ESPECIALLY my kids. I am not sure why it just makes me happy to fill their little tummies up with great food (must be that man has to provide that is ingrained in my genes somewhere). I made bacon and scrambled eggs and toast for them this morning. Already planning on chocolate chip pancakes for them for breakfast tomorrow. Unfortunately my wife could burn chicken soup (okay it isn't that bad), but I just love cooking for my family including my wife of course. Love her to death - put her through so much hell. It might take me a lifetime or more to make it up, but I am game. BRING IT!

Once again PEACE YALL - BACK TO LIVING LIFE!!

cleareyed

Hi all..I was married to an addict and he claims to be sober (which to him means no alcohol) he just medicates himself with pills instead. I don't see the person at all that I knew. No communication, amends, anything. Just a functioning shell of the person he was. So glad to hear your kind words about your families and how grateful you are for their support. I, like many others, received none of that and deserved so much more.
Glad for you guys, I always thought that was what I was going to see also....

Marcus

I hear you clear. I was in no way trying to stand up for addicts OR say that people in a completely dysfunctional relationship should stay. That was the point of the end of my post - We ALL have the power to change things and that often means walking away from a toxic relationship. Sorry to hear of your struggles, but glad you got up the courage to get out of that situation.

Marcus

Marcus

Impurrfect

Thanks for the thread, Marcus. Having my own emotional day after a pretty good Thanksgiving. It's glad to know I'm not alone

I also have a lot to be grateful for, but life happens and I think being "emotional" is not a bad thing. We drowned that out, for so long, I no longer wish to do that.

Cleareyed - Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here. I'm in recovery, but have/had several loved ones who aren't or lost the battle. I found great support in the friends & family forums, but also here and other forums on SR.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Sara21

Marcus,

You have no idea how happy I was to read your post. Your gratitude and strength are shining through, not to mention your personal accountability. Thank you for being honest and posting your thoughts on this forum.
I am so happy you and your family were able to celebrate the holidays together, without any drama or chaos. I wish you and your family a lifetime of health and happiness.

Hugs

Chasingthedream

Chasingthedream

So glad for your Marcus, your relief and gratitude shine through, and not in a cocky way at all. I totally get where you are coming from. I have the 2 most beautiful little girls in the world, and now that I am able to be present, really present, with them, I am amazed that I let something ever take me away.

liv1ce

The most poignant statement for me was your feelings of regret for all that has been lost in chasing a high. The last 10 years I actually have been sober more than stoned but that still adds up to a lot of time living in a zone separate from all those that meant something to me.

We had Christmas for our family yesterday as the only day we could all get together in our busy lives. I am not counting this time but probably am somewhere around 4 months clean and was there for all of it. I watched a little wine and beer go down a few throats and thought nothing of it. They stopped at 2 but hell I would still be going today and probably also would have found some drugs as well. But I didn't and am committed to never doing that again.

I loved every minute of being together. Now everyone is gone and my wife and I are watching football together and cleaning up some of the leftover treats.

Life is good.

Vela3

Thanks, Marcus. This helped me tonight. I am only just over 60 days sober and am having really strong cravings. I think I feel triggered by the holidays and the family. Luckily my fiancé helps me talk through the cravings, encourages me to think of the future, the life we want, the kids ... Your description of your kids and being there for them hits home. It's worth staying sober for. Going to keep fighting.

gnarlyboots

Marcus,

I get so much out of reading your posts, you're the man, much respect.

RedManc7

Well said Marcus great work mate