Gratitude
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Gratitude
Well here I am just hit 2 1/2 years SOBER! I still can't believe it. I still have a using dream here and there and wake up anxious as hell, but as soon as I realize it was just a dream the feeling of relief washes over me better than any dope high I ever had. I know that seems and sounds like complete bullsh*t, but I have to admit it is true. Today I feel a sort of freedom only a sober drug addict can feel. No not a cocky I got this thing beat, but a feeling of gratitude that is hard to explain.
I am SO grateful to be where I am today. I struggled for years upon years upon years. Stuck in the cycle. Before I tried to get sober it was depressing, but bouncing back and forth between use and sobriety was almost harder. Having to tell my wife again and again I F'D UP! I need to go detox AGAIN. I need to start over AGAIN! I wish I didn't have to go through that, but that is my story and honestly I think for me I had to go through that to finally realize just how powerful and destructive the addictive force was.
I always was proud that I could walk that line. Being a so called functional addict, but still holding down a job and raising a family. I enjoyed walking along the edge and it felt empowering cheating death, but it is inevitable that I was going to cross the line and didn't want to admit to myself that I had. My odds of making it out were slowly heading towards ZERO. I saw it coming like a freight train, but was too far gone to stop it.
So today with 2 and 1/2 years which is small compared to many, but it is what it is. I can't speed up time. I am where I am. So grateful for so many things. So if anyone else who is grateful for something please share - just one thing (or more). Even if you are still using stop a minute and think to yourself. If I did have sobriety what would I be grateful for?
Tonight I am grateful that my wife and I have reconnected like never before. Married 13 years together for 23 and I am more in love with her today than I can EVER remember. Drugs are so far from my mind which I couldn't say a few years ago. Sex is AMAZING (sorry probably TMI, but hey I am happy to say it out loud)!!
Anyway sobriety can be achieved. I used to think there is just no way I could live life sober. I have been doing it too long. Life is boring without it. All a bunch of BS. Yes that first year is a struggle. You have to find new ways of dealing with things and new ways of enjoying yourself. It isn't easy and it can be very difficult at times, but when you do see the light on the other side it is better than ANY HIGH drugs gave me.
It is a high that doesn't have horrible consequences and costs me my integrity, self respect, sanity, and quite possibly my freedom. I am sure many are thinking he is just saying that trying to convince himself he doesn't miss the drugs. Honestly there was a time I was just saying I love being sober - I am so HAPPY! Ugggh I hated that part, but eventually it became the truth and it is my truth today thank GOD!
I am SO grateful to be where I am today. I struggled for years upon years upon years. Stuck in the cycle. Before I tried to get sober it was depressing, but bouncing back and forth between use and sobriety was almost harder. Having to tell my wife again and again I F'D UP! I need to go detox AGAIN. I need to start over AGAIN! I wish I didn't have to go through that, but that is my story and honestly I think for me I had to go through that to finally realize just how powerful and destructive the addictive force was.
I always was proud that I could walk that line. Being a so called functional addict, but still holding down a job and raising a family. I enjoyed walking along the edge and it felt empowering cheating death, but it is inevitable that I was going to cross the line and didn't want to admit to myself that I had. My odds of making it out were slowly heading towards ZERO. I saw it coming like a freight train, but was too far gone to stop it.
So today with 2 and 1/2 years which is small compared to many, but it is what it is. I can't speed up time. I am where I am. So grateful for so many things. So if anyone else who is grateful for something please share - just one thing (or more). Even if you are still using stop a minute and think to yourself. If I did have sobriety what would I be grateful for?
Tonight I am grateful that my wife and I have reconnected like never before. Married 13 years together for 23 and I am more in love with her today than I can EVER remember. Drugs are so far from my mind which I couldn't say a few years ago. Sex is AMAZING (sorry probably TMI, but hey I am happy to say it out loud)!!
Anyway sobriety can be achieved. I used to think there is just no way I could live life sober. I have been doing it too long. Life is boring without it. All a bunch of BS. Yes that first year is a struggle. You have to find new ways of dealing with things and new ways of enjoying yourself. It isn't easy and it can be very difficult at times, but when you do see the light on the other side it is better than ANY HIGH drugs gave me.
It is a high that doesn't have horrible consequences and costs me my integrity, self respect, sanity, and quite possibly my freedom. I am sure many are thinking he is just saying that trying to convince himself he doesn't miss the drugs. Honestly there was a time I was just saying I love being sober - I am so HAPPY! Ugggh I hated that part, but eventually it became the truth and it is my truth today thank GOD!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Amazing post Marcus. The first half of your post I could have written myself it so clearly explains my situation.
I am on day 6 now....the second of your post I will write one year from now.
Really....congratulations!
I am on day 6 now....the second of your post I will write one year from now.
Really....congratulations!
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Congrats Marcus.
I totally relate to the being harder bouncing back and forth from using to sobriety.
I guess that's what happens when your aware you better do something before you die or worse.
And yes there are worse things than death in my mind.
But that shows too that there is a conscious inside this head and heart of mine. Otherwise I would just keep using and getting clean would never even cross my mind.
I really enjoy your posts. Thanks.
I totally relate to the being harder bouncing back and forth from using to sobriety.
I guess that's what happens when your aware you better do something before you die or worse.
And yes there are worse things than death in my mind.
But that shows too that there is a conscious inside this head and heart of mine. Otherwise I would just keep using and getting clean would never even cross my mind.
I really enjoy your posts. Thanks.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
Yes, I am with you Marcus. I have posted many times before of my times with sobriety as well as my intervening times touring hell. Other than my childhood my longest time in sobriety was 10 years but I can't say that it felt better than what I feel right now. I also had a year or 2 before falling in the rabbet hole again for a couple months. I think this time and the last felt as good as anything I have experienced and as you said the feeling of clean and sober is better than any high.
I am fully invested in my life again and have regained my mental and physical function for the most part as well as my commitment to vigilance. I can't go back again. I just can't.
I am fully invested in my life again and have regained my mental and physical function for the most part as well as my commitment to vigilance. I can't go back again. I just can't.
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