Time to change, move on and move up!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: UK London
Posts: 53
Just checking in towards the end of day 3. These few days since last using on Tuesday night have been pretty good.
My partner is at work this evening as she is doing some extra hours before xmas, so I was unable to attend my local NA meeting. I would have normally of taken this opportunity to snort coke (once the kids had gone to bed!). And in the time leading up to putting them to bed I would be waiting for that moment where I could do it. How sad!
I have had a really enjoyable evening with them, and now they are in bed (two very tired little troopers!) I am thinking about using. I enjoyed reading them stories and playing some games. That stuff is worth a million $$$$'s and is the best thing in the world. Being a Dad.
Now I have some alone time and I am just going to reflect and do some reading on here.
I have found my nose is slowly clearing up and I can actually breathe through my nostrils! I have been using a blocked nose nasal spray for ages to cover up my addiction and will stop using it from tomorrow, give my nose a chance to heal naturally.
I have also found myself feeling complacent today as well. This is something I really need to be aware of, and not going down the "haven't I done well" and the "reward myself" route.
Time does seem to be going slower than normal, but definitely not as slow as looking at the clock every hour, buzzing off my rocker feeling my heart beat at 350 miles per hour, thinking "oh sh*t I have work in 4 hours!"
The other thing is alcohol. Normally a Friday thing. At the supermarket today doing the food shop, I stocked up on some cans of diet coca cola. (I know this isn't great for you either) This has sort of taken away that "Friday feeling" I normally have coming into the weekend where I would be sipping on a few beers (and using cocaine!).
I think the weekend is going to be a good test but I am feeling positive about getting through it. I have to remain strong and positive and enjoy the small moments!
Have a good weekend. Thanks for listening.
MJ1
My partner is at work this evening as she is doing some extra hours before xmas, so I was unable to attend my local NA meeting. I would have normally of taken this opportunity to snort coke (once the kids had gone to bed!). And in the time leading up to putting them to bed I would be waiting for that moment where I could do it. How sad!
I have had a really enjoyable evening with them, and now they are in bed (two very tired little troopers!) I am thinking about using. I enjoyed reading them stories and playing some games. That stuff is worth a million $$$$'s and is the best thing in the world. Being a Dad.
Now I have some alone time and I am just going to reflect and do some reading on here.
I have found my nose is slowly clearing up and I can actually breathe through my nostrils! I have been using a blocked nose nasal spray for ages to cover up my addiction and will stop using it from tomorrow, give my nose a chance to heal naturally.
I have also found myself feeling complacent today as well. This is something I really need to be aware of, and not going down the "haven't I done well" and the "reward myself" route.
Time does seem to be going slower than normal, but definitely not as slow as looking at the clock every hour, buzzing off my rocker feeling my heart beat at 350 miles per hour, thinking "oh sh*t I have work in 4 hours!"
The other thing is alcohol. Normally a Friday thing. At the supermarket today doing the food shop, I stocked up on some cans of diet coca cola. (I know this isn't great for you either) This has sort of taken away that "Friday feeling" I normally have coming into the weekend where I would be sipping on a few beers (and using cocaine!).
I think the weekend is going to be a good test but I am feeling positive about getting through it. I have to remain strong and positive and enjoy the small moments!
Have a good weekend. Thanks for listening.
MJ1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: UK London
Posts: 53
I didnt even make it through the weekend. I feel so pathetic and useless 
didnt even manage 5 whole days! Gonna try and get to a few meetings this week. I really feel that I need a sponsor to help me through this mess, someone to call in my hour of need....
didnt even manage 5 whole days! Gonna try and get to a few meetings this week. I really feel that I need a sponsor to help me through this mess, someone to call in my hour of need....
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Originally Posted by maryjane1 
I didnt even make it through the weekend. I feel so pathetic and useless didnt even manage 5 whole days! Gonna try and get to a few meetings this week. I really feel that I need a sponsor to help me through this mess, someone to call in my hour of need....
didnt even manage 5 whole days! Gonna try and get to a few meetings this week. I really feel that I need a sponsor to help me through this mess, someone to call in my hour of need...."Not even 5 whole days "
I've said that so many times too. Ugh. I hope those times are over for us both.
So get back to it! Your sobriety! **** it , what else can you do? So Try again.
This could be it. This could be the one final time to your recovery. What can you do TODAY to make that happen?
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
MJ1:
You are going to have a tough time trying to do this alone. I always found it harder whenever I tried to keep it hid from anyone in my close circle. Once I got it off my chest and out in the open? I got the support I needed on the home front as well as from other sources! But that's just me! And how I worked it!
You've just now started trying to get off the DOC. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just start over and keep trying. Keep trying until you get more time under your feet and the strength to stay away from it.
TOD
You are going to have a tough time trying to do this alone. I always found it harder whenever I tried to keep it hid from anyone in my close circle. Once I got it off my chest and out in the open? I got the support I needed on the home front as well as from other sources! But that's just me! And how I worked it!
You've just now started trying to get off the DOC. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just start over and keep trying. Keep trying until you get more time under your feet and the strength to stay away from it.
TOD
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Hey MJ wanted to say hi from a fellow Londoner.
Well done on coming here and facing your demons. As many have said, you will probably need to tell your fiancé at some point, otherwise those feelings of guilt and shame will just fester, but it doesn't have to be straight away.
I too am a coke addict, and a mother of 2. Recreational partying turned into coke addiction for me a few years ago, with a few years off during pregnancy etc, but I always went back. Took coke with my husband but mostly behind his back, on my own, right in front of his nose. I too did many things I am ashamed of, but I ty not to dwell on them now as it only allows a bad place in my heart to fill with shame/guilt and that is when I feel I need to get high to escape. I too was fed up of waking in th morning, not knowing where my ŵrap was- would my husband find it etc. I was so desperately sick and tired of it.
Keep reading and posting on here. I am only in early days but many Here have w lot of time under their belt and their words of wisdom will help you stay on the right path.
Pm if you ever need to- for one- I'll be awake when you are!
Good luck for today
Well done on coming here and facing your demons. As many have said, you will probably need to tell your fiancé at some point, otherwise those feelings of guilt and shame will just fester, but it doesn't have to be straight away.
I too am a coke addict, and a mother of 2. Recreational partying turned into coke addiction for me a few years ago, with a few years off during pregnancy etc, but I always went back. Took coke with my husband but mostly behind his back, on my own, right in front of his nose. I too did many things I am ashamed of, but I ty not to dwell on them now as it only allows a bad place in my heart to fill with shame/guilt and that is when I feel I need to get high to escape. I too was fed up of waking in th morning, not knowing where my ŵrap was- would my husband find it etc. I was so desperately sick and tired of it.
Keep reading and posting on here. I am only in early days but many Here have w lot of time under their belt and their words of wisdom will help you stay on the right path.
Pm if you ever need to- for one- I'll be awake when you are!
Good luck for today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: UK London
Posts: 53
Hey guys, I completely understand what you are saying about going it alone. I don't want to do this alone, but want to get a little bit of clean time under my belt before speaking to her about my problems.
I want to understand the illness/disease of addiction that I have a little better too.
I am on day 4 today! I have had a fantastic nights sleep, went to be at like 7.30pm and slept right through to 7am! What a difference sleep can make. Rather than always feeling knackered from lack of sleep due to Coke abuse. It was nice to actually get out of bed and deal with the kids, give my partner a well deserved lie in as she always gets up early with the kids (as I am always hanging the next morning after using).
I here what you are saying Chasingthedream about wondering where your wrap had gone the next morning. I know that all to well, frantically checking trouser pockets and wallet to find the empty wrap the next morning!
Man, I have been eating some rubbish the last few days, I suppose trying to fill the void from not using. I did go for a run yesterday though and that felt great!
I am looking forward to my 2nd NA meeting tomorrow and want to pluck up the courage to share!
I want to understand the illness/disease of addiction that I have a little better too.
I am on day 4 today! I have had a fantastic nights sleep, went to be at like 7.30pm and slept right through to 7am! What a difference sleep can make. Rather than always feeling knackered from lack of sleep due to Coke abuse. It was nice to actually get out of bed and deal with the kids, give my partner a well deserved lie in as she always gets up early with the kids (as I am always hanging the next morning after using).
I here what you are saying Chasingthedream about wondering where your wrap had gone the next morning. I know that all to well, frantically checking trouser pockets and wallet to find the empty wrap the next morning!
Man, I have been eating some rubbish the last few days, I suppose trying to fill the void from not using. I did go for a run yesterday though and that felt great!
I am looking forward to my 2nd NA meeting tomorrow and want to pluck up the courage to share!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Yay to day 4- that's really great. Out of interest-Were you a daily user?
I wasn't, probably more like fortnightly, was easier to pretend I didn't have a problem too I guess.
Waking up hangover free is amazing isn't it. Sleep is such a great healer.
Let us know how the NA meet goes. Have you looked into CA?
I wasn't, probably more like fortnightly, was easier to pretend I didn't have a problem too I guess.
Waking up hangover free is amazing isn't it. Sleep is such a great healer.
Let us know how the NA meet goes. Have you looked into CA?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: UK London
Posts: 53
I would say I have used daily, pretty well as much as I could afford (but really cant afford if you get me!). Sometimes 3 days in a row or two to three times a week. I owe so called dealer £260 and will have to pay at the end of the month which is not good before xmas! That money could be going on better xmas pressies for my kids, which is the way I am starting to look at things now. Shows how selfish I have been. I want to start spending money on my home and providing bigger and better toys for my children. I always go without new clothes and could dress smarter but have always spent the money on coke! Stupid eh?
Not really looked into CA. Worth investigating?
Not really looked into CA. Worth investigating?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: UK London
Posts: 53
Really enjoyed the NA meeting last night. Was a greater turnout than the first one I went to. I definitely feel this is where I need to be going. It was really great from one of the guys that shared. He had a lot of clean time under his belt and it sounds as though he was where I am now a few years ago. I took a lot of positive vibes from that!
I think I now realise that I need to connect a bit better emotionally and spiritually. I currently don't open up enough about my feelings and talk enough to other people. Whenever I get home from work and I am asked how may day was I always say I don't want to talk about work and "leave work at work". But something may have bothered me that day and if I just opened up about and got off my chest it would make thing better.
I am feeling bored today! The weather is rubbish here! Just having sometime at home alone with my son. He wants to play and I don't feel in the mood. He is so energetic and have none! I suppose this is just highs and lows. Yesterday I had bundles of energy but today am struggling to kick into a gear a bit.
I got a few numbers form the NA meeting last night, which is good to have in my contacts list. Thats what its all about right? Building up a support network? Just like on here.
I think I now realise that I need to connect a bit better emotionally and spiritually. I currently don't open up enough about my feelings and talk enough to other people. Whenever I get home from work and I am asked how may day was I always say I don't want to talk about work and "leave work at work". But something may have bothered me that day and if I just opened up about and got off my chest it would make thing better.
I am feeling bored today! The weather is rubbish here! Just having sometime at home alone with my son. He wants to play and I don't feel in the mood. He is so energetic and have none! I suppose this is just highs and lows. Yesterday I had bundles of energy but today am struggling to kick into a gear a bit.
I got a few numbers form the NA meeting last night, which is good to have in my contacts list. Thats what its all about right? Building up a support network? Just like on here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Hey MJ, I know exactly how you feel. The highs and lows can be really difficult to deal with. Sometimes you wake up and just know it is going to be a hard day. Just like I remember when I was using I would sometimes wake up and just know I was going to use that day. Thank goodness I don't have to deal with that anymore!
I try to just go with the feeling and not put too many demands on myself. If it's the weekend- stay in your PJs- does it really matter if you do?
Sometimes I think the need to use stems from putting too much pressure on ourselves so it is good practice to be kind to and accepting of yourself.
As it's Sunday morning here, just wondering how your saturday night (last night) went?
I try to just go with the feeling and not put too many demands on myself. If it's the weekend- stay in your PJs- does it really matter if you do?
Sometimes I think the need to use stems from putting too much pressure on ourselves so it is good practice to be kind to and accepting of yourself.
As it's Sunday morning here, just wondering how your saturday night (last night) went?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: UK London
Posts: 53
I ended up staying in on Saturday night, watched the Fault not in Our Stars with my fiance. Bit of a "tear jerker" but a film that makes you reflect on life a bit, which is what I needed a bit.
I ended up using again on Sunday. I was not sure why at the time, I just had the strong urge. However instead of dwelling on it I am using the setback as a learning curve. I was really disappointed with myself for using and the whole time I was driving to pick up I was telling myself to turn around. Even though I didn't, positives signs are there within myself.
Having only used twice in over two weeks, instead of mostly every other day, my head is clearer and I have more energy. I am actively thinking about being drug free for most of the day. I am reading up on addiction, spending a lot of time on here and I have been to meetings. I have had a lot more sleep than normal.
I really feel a burning desire to stop doing coke and I understand the consequences if I don't (which doesn't end well!)
I went for a run yesterday evening. It was really cold outside. I was on such a high when I got back. I loved having that burning cold air in my lungs. I managed 35 mins around my local lake without stopping, which I didn't manage last time so that's an improvement
These are the sorts of things that I need to fill my time.
Think positive, be positive and positive things will happen
I ended up using again on Sunday. I was not sure why at the time, I just had the strong urge. However instead of dwelling on it I am using the setback as a learning curve. I was really disappointed with myself for using and the whole time I was driving to pick up I was telling myself to turn around. Even though I didn't, positives signs are there within myself.
Having only used twice in over two weeks, instead of mostly every other day, my head is clearer and I have more energy. I am actively thinking about being drug free for most of the day. I am reading up on addiction, spending a lot of time on here and I have been to meetings. I have had a lot more sleep than normal.
I really feel a burning desire to stop doing coke and I understand the consequences if I don't (which doesn't end well!)
I went for a run yesterday evening. It was really cold outside. I was on such a high when I got back. I loved having that burning cold air in my lungs. I managed 35 mins around my local lake without stopping, which I didn't manage last time so that's an improvement
These are the sorts of things that I need to fill my time.
Think positive, be positive and positive things will happen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: UK London
Posts: 53
Listened to this a lot lately. Pretty much sums it up!
Above & Beyond Acoustic - "On A Good Day" Live from Porchester Hall (Official) - YouTube
Above & Beyond Acoustic - "On A Good Day" Live from Porchester Hall (Official) - YouTube
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: UK London
Posts: 53
Hey guys I am back. Had a mental few weeks and fell back into the trap! Back starting again. I have learnt from my mistakes. Learnt a lot about triggers and how I should avoid them.
I am on Day 2. Feeling great! Lost touch with this forum for a while which was a mistake and have not been to an NA meeting for a couple of weeks which was also a BIG mistake! Didn't call the numbers I picked up from previous meetings which I should have done in my hour of need.
Feeling fresh, feeling good and feeling great! Head is clear and determination is stronger than ever!
Hope your all good? Have a great weekend.
I am on Day 2. Feeling great! Lost touch with this forum for a while which was a mistake and have not been to an NA meeting for a couple of weeks which was also a BIG mistake! Didn't call the numbers I picked up from previous meetings which I should have done in my hour of need.
Feeling fresh, feeling good and feeling great! Head is clear and determination is stronger than ever!
Hope your all good? Have a great weekend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: UK London
Posts: 53
Day 6 today!
Think its time to get a sponsor. As mentioned previously have I been to a few NA meetings. I have a friend who has been through AA and been clean/sober for 10 years. He battled with drink and drugs. He talks about addiction a lot and talks a lot of sense. I can relate a lot to what he says. However he has not been part of the NA fellowship but went down the AA route. He is still in recovery and practices the program/12 steps, meditation, inventories etc...
Would it be OK to use him as a sponsor, or should a sponsor be someone you don't know to well/have a friendship with? My partner and his wife are good friend and our kids play together.
The other issue at the moment I don't want my partner to know and don't want to put the burden on him or his wife and my partner not know. Maybe I should just talk to him. I think he may have some suspicions after our conversation the other day when I was asking him a lot of questions around addiction and his recovery.
Perhaps it is better to use someone neutral?
Would appreciate some feedback. Thanks.
Think its time to get a sponsor. As mentioned previously have I been to a few NA meetings. I have a friend who has been through AA and been clean/sober for 10 years. He battled with drink and drugs. He talks about addiction a lot and talks a lot of sense. I can relate a lot to what he says. However he has not been part of the NA fellowship but went down the AA route. He is still in recovery and practices the program/12 steps, meditation, inventories etc...
Would it be OK to use him as a sponsor, or should a sponsor be someone you don't know to well/have a friendship with? My partner and his wife are good friend and our kids play together.
The other issue at the moment I don't want my partner to know and don't want to put the burden on him or his wife and my partner not know. Maybe I should just talk to him. I think he may have some suspicions after our conversation the other day when I was asking him a lot of questions around addiction and his recovery.
Perhaps it is better to use someone neutral?
Would appreciate some feedback. Thanks.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
You can use anyone for a Sponsor MJ1! It's your decision! Your friend with the 10 years clean would be a good source to use too. However? He is a family friend of y'all's and you haven't told your significant other about your drug use! That's almost a sure way your SO is going to find out! It's hard to keep such secrets - secret! You know? You are already setting off bells with your friend since you've been asking him questions about addiction. If he let's it slip to his wife and then she let's it slip to your SO? Well put the pieces together!
You know what's best for your situation. Choose the path you want to go with keeping things secret!
TOD
You know what's best for your situation. Choose the path you want to go with keeping things secret!
TOD
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