DecBaby

Well I have been busy yes. Doing good things. But at the time those of you that know my situation know it isn't easy. My boyfriend who has his own issues going on hasn't been totally available to me. But I know you can't count on other people. That doesn't make it easier though. The kids and me had an awesome summer! I did things I never did before which was awesome like swim in the ocean and go to an amusement park. It was amazing! But then school starts and they have their things going on and I have work....

My one job I got from because there are 2 owners. One is legit, one is a thief. I stay on the team of the legit one. The thief stole money from me and i opened my mouth about it. Things like that I don't stay silent about. I work hard for my money, I don't allow people to steal it. He said if I don't trust him I can leave and never come back. I basically said that's fine. I don't need that drama. Now I'm training at a new place for my tips job along with my managing job.

What I want to say to my friends and anyone else listening is I am struggling. Not just today but other days. I have begun drinking. To numb the pain. I didn't think my boyfriend who was my only source of support could neglect me like he has. Normally I would say F him. But I love him because he is my only constant. But he has his own things going on and instead of supporting him emotionally, I am dwelled in my pain.

Halloween was always a big family day for me and I have a hard time from now until Christmas. I owe it to everyone to be honest.

I have had tears in my eyes all day. Please don't try to tell me what to do to get my life on track. I know. Things just take time. And I'm making progress in everything. It's just not fast enough because money rules the world.

I don't even want support. I am just putting myself out there to help people.

I want to share my journey. I am looking into advocacy in a nearby hospital.

If anyone knows a way I can get into helping others please tell me because that is the only purpose I can find in my life. That's the only time I feel good. Anything else...... I just want to cover up the pain. I will stay away from drugs because I know I don't want that life.

But I'm hurting. I have no purpose. I need to find a hands on way to help others before l destroy myself.

Those of you that know me know my journey, but you have no idea how bad it all was.

I feel terrible for opening up but I also know I need to. Do others know they can open up too?

Mk, congrats on the baby. I only wish I could have my family again. Cherish it.

My people... You know who you are.... I love you too. I won't say I'm sorry because that's just pitiful. A person can only show they're sorry by making changes.

Dee74

I'm really sorry to see you so low DecBaby.

Maybe you're looking at this from the wrong end - maybe you need to help yourself before you can help others?

D

DecBaby

I'm okay. I just need to find purpose. I've helped myself. It just feels empty. I'm empty. I just need more.

DecBaby

Is it weird to be jealous of people having codies? I have no codies.

cleaninLI

(((Decbaby))))

You are..... have been....and always will be my inspiration! Oh boy what can I say? Well, there is one person my dear friend that you have helped....you may not have seen me face2face but ....your story...your struggle....your perseverance.....your pain.....YOU.....made this thing possible for me. Maybe you thought I never struggled....I didn't write all of it here on the forum. But I knew that if decbaby can do this.....I can too! I did do it....but it's ongoing...I don't think we can ever say we made it. I think we have to just keep trudging forward.

You have a gift....and I understand what you mean about wanting....needing to use that gift for the greater good. I believe you will. Remember I told you about that place in Richmond Hills that has that program to become a substance abuse counselor? I really think you should look into that....because I think you'd be awesome at that decbaby.

Dee74

Maybe get back into posting here? It gives me purpose.

I dunno about codies but you have a lot of friends here - to me that's better than anything else

D

finaltime

So glad you opened up. How about sponsoring others? Get a sponsee and that could help your focus?

DecBaby

Thanks for the suggestion Final but the meetings aren't for me. Personally I find them a little cult-ish if that makes. I know it helps others but Ive tried it and can't get into it.

I should get back to posting on here more, Im just so busy. I keep myself busy on purpose so I can stay out of my head. But it's getting so hard to put on a Happy face in front of others. I may have to cave and get back on anti depressants because it's getting bad. And I know the next couple months are going to be tough for me.

I miss you all.

mkintexas

Dec,

Thanks for sharing and being honest. You will prevail. Period.
The best way I can support you is to respect and honor your journey by cherishing what I have in my two kids. I am sure I am not alone when I say my ear is here to bend should you wish.

mkintexas

Ok. Call me a muffin head. What is a Codie?

finaltime

A codependent, someone that needs you. Dec it will pass. Know this. What is amazing is you are reaching out, you see the signs, you are being honest. that is what we need to do, reach out for help and get out of our heads when we are having these emotions and you are doing it!!!! Just get through each day, do one thing a day for someone else. call your kids, write on SR, the time will pass. I sure think the world of you.

larrylive

Oddly enough, and speaking just for me (a recoveredcrackhead) I had to give up the money. It's not always easy, seems the media makes everyone feels less than without shiny, flashy gizmo's and gadgets. But I no longer feel the need to impress others with anything but loving kindness, and I have a long way to go for that.
So now I work for a charitable orginization doing a lot of heavy lifting all day long for enough money to qualify for foodstamps. I am also involved with a couple recovery based groups, pursueing my degree in Chemical Dependency and a certificate in Recovery Coaching. But money's tight so all I have is time. And I try to spend it wisely, as my church put's it "God's work, our hands" I may not change the world, I only hope to ease others suffering.

Be Well,
Larry

TiredEnough

Dec, as far as helping people, you have always been a huge inspiration to me. I think you have helped a ton of people here with your honest, no nonsense views on sobriety. I will always be pulling for you.