four812

Hello my wonderful people....I got so much last weekend from the men's survivor retreat and I gave myself much too. And a caring inside me and a love for everyone grew so large that I had no thought of using for a couple days...even when I went through a few hours of isolation and fear on Saturday.

I Noticed this morning that I don't like the world I've created here at work. This is not a new awareness. I have no motivation for it and no desire to be here at work. I just come to collect a paycheck.

Then I noticed myself think about using...then I said NOOOO.

But it won't stick. I've had this crack bug for some 13 years now. It's more than a bug, it's a giant leach sucking the life out of me. I can feel my mind "wanting to think about the going to get crack"....like really I am the leach wanting to suck the life out of the crack. But there is only death in the crack.

Omg ... I just realized I can't use today. I don't have my car here!!! It's at the dealership. I can't use. Haha how funny ....I have an opportunity to think about something else or to crawl in the cesspool of wanting and suffering as I've done. If I could just get the simple idea of : "using is not an option" and then it wouldn't matter if my car was here or not. But that has not worked yet for me. It has worked for short periods though

So I'm Just sharing. Today I will probably stay clean. But tomorrow don't look good as I think about it right now. Even after my wonderful retreat and recovery weekend I have already fallen back into my rutted life. I withheld no secrets about my using at the retreat. Everyone cared and had support for me. The thoughts of using were absent. But now it's like it never happened and I'm exactly where I left my life before the retreat. Well forget about tomorrow

So What did I learn this past weekend? One thing was some tools were reinforced. One was "mindfulness": paying continuous attention to breath, body, and surroundings. I WILL try that right now. I will look at it as if there is nothing else to do and hopefully I will also open up to the help from the universe that is right in front of me.

So I started writing .... and then started writing to you.

I felt so close to the men I was with over the weekend. I cared so much for their lives. I deeply felt their pain. I had empathy. These feelings were internalized and I left feeling very very good about me and the universe.

I've been to retreats, workshops, rehabs, thousands of 12 step meetings, and other things like writing groups, dale Carnegie, and volunteering. I've prayed, listened and fasted...I've done/do meditation and yoga and individual and group therapy, and take my ******* antidepressants religiously .... But in the end my thoughts and drive keep coming back to this ******* crack leach.

So right now? Okay I got a little motivation. To breathe. To repeat my affirmation: I am honest and kind and willing. I will start with this...seems to be what I need to do...and I don't know what else to do, this very second. Well except to pray and to ask for help. This post is my attempt of the moment to ask for help

Well enough about me....good luck to YOU and your sobriety. And if you are stumbling like I have .... may you find the way to stay clean today and may it lead to your never using again!

MariahGayle

Glad you are here Four & that the Retreat went well - I am thinking of you today & sending thoughts of strength your way!

Chasingthedream

Hey four, I am so glad you had such a wonderful experience at your retreat, and glad that your are back here.

Your sadness is actually palpable in your post. I wish I knew what to say, had a magic wand to wave. But I don't.

I don't know what to suggest to do. As a fellow coke addict, I think part of the problem we face is the sheer fact that our brains have been re-wired to crave things that give you that immediate, unnatural high. Until we let our brains reset themselves, by abstaining from unnatural immediate highs, we are not going to learn to live without them.

You have to somehow get past a few days/weeks/a month. You have to give your brain a chance to heal. Because it can and it will.

Have you read the butt trusted flare up thing I think anvil head posted? It really made sense to me- that at certain points- 2 days/4 weeks etc, our endorphin levels completely fall off and that's when most relapsed occur.

I had such a week last week- I felt despondent, thought of using, wanted to use, but I kept telling myself just to wait and see how I felt the next week. And do you know what, I woke up on Monday morning and I did feel better.

You have to keep asking yourself, if you do want to give up, you have to start the battle at some point. You can't keep putting it off.

If you think you truly hate work- can you do something about it?

I was in the same situation so I finally realised I needed to leave, and I did and it isn't so scary... There are options.

I believe you want to do this. So what are you going to change this time?

four812

Thanks Mariah and chasing.

Yes I have read that post about the times when flare ups occur and found it interesting for sure. I also don't want to set myself up that I'm supposed to have cravings at certain times, but it's a good thing to keep in mind also.

As far as my job it would be difficult to give up 17 years towards a full retirement and also there is nothing I could make the amount of money I make now and part of that still goes to child support for another 5 years. But a key element is that it's mostly about me. Probably any job I would be able to get would have many similar frustrations, however, there is one that is unique to my current job and that is the free time I have....the free time is a poor excuse though because there are so many positive things I could do to make that time fulfilling but it's awful easy to be lazy during that time or to simply recover from using. So the job is very enabling for my situation.

There are things I can do and need/must do to recover but it's difficult for me to stay motivated.

four812

i appreciate your support and ideas very much chasing....

One very important i need to change is an active attention to incorporating real full-time mindfullness into my daily life. the only way to do that is to practice it every day. most of the practice is noticing when i am not being mindful...the way to this mindfulness is by following my breath as often as i can during the course of the day. I have no question that this is Key to my recovery and the quality of my life

also key is meditation twice a day. this is easier because it's tangible. no matter what happens during meditation it is always good (even if i think i had a lousy meditation it is still good)....twice a day, morning and evening...that is a must...even if it's following a guided meditation that is fine for now, but ultimately i know that i must do a silent meditation of simply following the breath in a sitting or lotus position.

also key is some time of excercise. and it goes without saying, but i'll say it anyway, that in my case since meetings have been very helpful for me (despite the shortcomings that there are in 12 step groups) and i must go to them on a very regular basis...

once these are in place I would think I would have a good foundation and real possibilities of changing into a different person: basically the real person that I am and not this person that I think i'm supposed to be and try to be.

thanks for giving me the motivation to think about this today

Marcus

Hey Four! Glad you are back. I know that feeling of going to a retreat and it fills you with good thoughts and feelings that you can conquer the world only to come back to reality / normal life and realize your defenses against using are about the same as when you left. It sucks and I feel for you. I also know that until you are willing to put up some kind of fight against the using thoughts you are only going to repeat the past again and again and again.

I know it is tough because your brain has been hijacked. Your chances of getting past a craving on your own are very very slim. You have to eventually come to this understanding. I know when I was struggling I welcomed a craving because that meant I didn't have to try to fight it anymore I could just go and get high already.

Now yes my drug was H and yours was crack, but I have done my share of coke/rock and definitely understand the appeal even though it made me paranoid as f*ck looking out the window for cops / FBI / etc. as my heart was thumping out of my chest and even saying I am done with this, but kept on doing it.

I wish I could tell you what you need to do - show you the door you need to walk through. Unfortunately early recovery can be like a minefield you have to walk through and sometimes you do need a little luck to make it, but if you give in every time you have a strong craving I can tell you that you are in big trouble. Just try convincing yourself just once that you will wait a day. You are not going to use TODAY. You will see what tomorrow brings. If you can do that and continue to do that before you know it you have 2, 3, 4, 6 months and at that point you have a chance. You actually have some defense against the enormous pull of the drug.

Today with over 2 1/2 years clean I still get a crazy thought in my head now and again, but today I can sit with it and accept it for what it is. Just some screwed up wiring in my brain that is basically some incoherent neanderthal type desire to get high. Once you get away from it and see it for what it is - just a thought same as that thought to jump off a bridge or off the edge of the Grand Canyon as you peer down into it and nothing that needs to even be considered. NONSENSE is what it is. Once you finally WANT to quit the eternal struggle is gone. It is no longer a fight with yourself, but a thank GOD I don't want that in my life anymore.

Praying for you Dude. I know the struggle well. I am very thankful I seem to have found a way out, but know I am just one bad decision away from being right back into that hell. Make 5 days 6, and 6 7, and on and on! You can do this if you truly are sick and tired of it all.

Angel78

Four I love how you talk about mindfulness! That is part of my DBT therapy. Part of my homework every week is to practice mindfulness for at least 5 minutes per day. DBT really is a different way of thinking and practicing it really helps!

four812

Thanks Marcus and angel

My day 5 is turned into six! And I did 10 min sitting meditation before leaving my home for work. Now I'm reminded to breathe and be aware thanks angel

I got a little brush up class to sit in on this morning then I will have a perfect chance to go to a lunchtime morning meeting.

Today I need to stay clean for me. I have hope I can do it today. Now as I just wrote that the urge/pull came. I have a window to use today cause my wife will be busy. That's how my addict voice talks just saying just telling what's going on. I will take some breaths now and try to stay in this moment....sitting around all these people who aren't thinking about smoking or not smoking crack. People who come to work and then go on their way and so other things after work.

Ok here goes. Time to breathe

Chasingthedream

Hey Four, how did day 6 go and have you made it through to day 7?