Lonely...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 396
Lonely...
I'm feeling so lonely and unsupported.
I don't have help at home. I don't have any friends that support me , I don't work besides what I do on the computer but that isn't even motivating me . I feel very alone and I feel like what I'm doing is for nothing? Because as much as I try and convince myself and say , I'm strong ,and I can do this , and I'm going to make something great of my life? inside its all a lie. I've never been very ambitious or motivated and I was living a lie while being high on pills because it made me become this person that I thought I wanted to be ...somebody that was ambitious and motivated and fun to be around and I think that I was in a haze for so many years , I'm really terrified that my true self? Is somebody that's lazy , unmotivated , has no friends , isn't really funny , and looks good on the outside but lacking anything great on the inside ...do you understand what I'm trying to say?
I don't have help at home. I don't have any friends that support me , I don't work besides what I do on the computer but that isn't even motivating me . I feel very alone and I feel like what I'm doing is for nothing? Because as much as I try and convince myself and say , I'm strong ,and I can do this , and I'm going to make something great of my life? inside its all a lie. I've never been very ambitious or motivated and I was living a lie while being high on pills because it made me become this person that I thought I wanted to be ...somebody that was ambitious and motivated and fun to be around and I think that I was in a haze for so many years , I'm really terrified that my true self? Is somebody that's lazy , unmotivated , has no friends , isn't really funny , and looks good on the outside but lacking anything great on the inside ...do you understand what I'm trying to say?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 222
heya, I'm new around here, so not sure if I'm the best person to help.
Just wanted to say that you're definitely not alone. Everyone on here is somewhere on a similar journey and they seem like a great bunch to provide support (which I'm personally already happy about)
The internet in general can be a great place to meet the right people and make new friends if you look in the right corner.
I'm facing a few similar questions like the ones you mentioned (in relation to drinking) : who am I really without the drinks? am I actually really boring and anti-social? what am I really passionate about, etc.?
From what I understand, feeling like you've described (unmotivated, lazy, unsocial, bit depressed) is normal and part of the journey (I surely have a lot of days where I feel like that), but there are definitely other sides of you that will get to shine.
Maybe picking up a new hobby (of any sort really) could help with feeling more motivated and making some new friends?
Hang in there! You're not alone.
Just wanted to say that you're definitely not alone. Everyone on here is somewhere on a similar journey and they seem like a great bunch to provide support (which I'm personally already happy about)
The internet in general can be a great place to meet the right people and make new friends if you look in the right corner.
I'm facing a few similar questions like the ones you mentioned (in relation to drinking) : who am I really without the drinks? am I actually really boring and anti-social? what am I really passionate about, etc.?
From what I understand, feeling like you've described (unmotivated, lazy, unsocial, bit depressed) is normal and part of the journey (I surely have a lot of days where I feel like that), but there are definitely other sides of you that will get to shine.
Maybe picking up a new hobby (of any sort really) could help with feeling more motivated and making some new friends?
Hang in there! You're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Awe ashamedof....big hugs!
I am your friend! I just asked about you on my thread....how was your day? I see you everyday around here and didn't know how you felt! I wish I had known! Pm me anytime. We can talk! We have lots in common right? Believe me what you are doing is worth your while! For sure. You don't realize it now....but you will! I felt like you at first too! It takes time to get used to not being on the pills.
I am your friend! I just asked about you on my thread....how was your day? I see you everyday around here and didn't know how you felt! I wish I had known! Pm me anytime. We can talk! We have lots in common right? Believe me what you are doing is worth your while! For sure. You don't realize it now....but you will! I felt like you at first too! It takes time to get used to not being on the pills.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Ashamedof 
do you understand what I'm trying to say?
and wish to never forget the uphill battle in early sobriety
it looked like a mountain that I would never be able to climb
but, one day at a time I got to the top
nice view up here -- don't quit before the miracle also happens in your life
MM
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: CA.....Hometown : Sioux Falls
Posts: 2,624
I realized that the expectations I had of myself were 1,000 times greater than anyone had of me. I'm great in my own right and stopped comparing myself to others and learning self acceptance.
About being alone..I'm a loner and this site is all I and some others have. This is my lifeline every day. I hope you can find a connection here please stay around.
About being alone..I'm a loner and this site is all I and some others have. This is my lifeline every day. I hope you can find a connection here please stay around.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Ashamedof, yes, I do understand what you're trying to say. You haven't said how long you've been off the drugs but it sounds like you have a case of the good old PAWS. This is Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. There is a lot written about it on the internet. It is some interesting reading. I am a year off a big Vicodin habit and it's been quite a lonely, confusing, messed up year trying to get myself back. I didn't and still don't know who that even is. But I'm learning. I became very depressed for a while and am being treated by a psychiatrist with an antidepressant. This helped me but the biggest thing that's helped is time. You don't become a drug addict overnight and it takes time to heal your body and brain. You have to just keep trying everyday. And not use. If you do use, which I did once, it sets you up for some awful cravings.
I have found certain parts of the day are hard for me. Or when my stomach is empty. My husband was sick. That was hard for me. As you keep going, you find alternate ways to cope. Anything that brings you even a little pleasure, take note of it and try to build on it. Exercise helps me although I know it can be hard to get started. I have animals I love and need to care for. This helps. I have a horse that I ride out on the trail. This takes all my concentration because she can be a little wild. Which is good. I joined the Rotary Club so I can get out there with people and do charitable work. I go to concerts and listen to music. I watch entire series' on netflix. Like "Breaking Bad" or "Lost". I have sex with my husband. I write poetry. Change has not occurred overnight or easily. Or smoothly in a straight line. But change is happening. You will start to come to terms with who you really are. And that will be different than who you were on drugs. I am still coming to terms with this. I thought I was funny and smart on drugs. But I'm finding out I'm an introvert at heart. And shy. This is ok but hard and uncomfortable at times. But I'm learning.
So take heart and keep trying. And try not to feel so ashamed. Ok, you're a drug addict. So am I. We still need to give ourselves a break. Love, Elseware
I have found certain parts of the day are hard for me. Or when my stomach is empty. My husband was sick. That was hard for me. As you keep going, you find alternate ways to cope. Anything that brings you even a little pleasure, take note of it and try to build on it. Exercise helps me although I know it can be hard to get started. I have animals I love and need to care for. This helps. I have a horse that I ride out on the trail. This takes all my concentration because she can be a little wild. Which is good. I joined the Rotary Club so I can get out there with people and do charitable work. I go to concerts and listen to music. I watch entire series' on netflix. Like "Breaking Bad" or "Lost". I have sex with my husband. I write poetry. Change has not occurred overnight or easily. Or smoothly in a straight line. But change is happening. You will start to come to terms with who you really are. And that will be different than who you were on drugs. I am still coming to terms with this. I thought I was funny and smart on drugs. But I'm finding out I'm an introvert at heart. And shy. This is ok but hard and uncomfortable at times. But I'm learning.
So take heart and keep trying. And try not to feel so ashamed. Ok, you're a drug addict. So am I. We still need to give ourselves a break. Love, Elseware
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 396
Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the support and kind words. It's all I have right now...I'm only 23 days clean and I know it takes time, I've been an addict since I was 15 years old and picked up my first cigarette then alcohol then weed, Vicodin, tramadol and finally ..what brought me to my knees, oxycodone.
Cleanin, I messaged you , you're such a kind person, it means allot to me!
You're all so kind.
I guess I'm just having one of those days..I feel very depressed , angry to the point of me screaming at my dogs over the littlest things, I can't control my temper at all! That's so not like me. I've always been a very calm, level headed person (pre opiates) now? I can't take the slightest noise or interruption ..I'm glad I don't have kids, honestly. My dogs deserve a better mom though.
My husband has been online allot lately which is putting all kinds of thoughts in my head. Irrational? Maybe..or I could be on to something. I feel like one big ball of emotional wreckage, used goods, damaged brain and body, emotional stability of a teenager..it's very depressing. I even went through my husbands phone records which is so not like me I'm not a crazy suspicious person but lately I feel so insecure and paranoid.
Maybe , he was doing this all along and I was so worried about getting high and being high, I didn't care or notice?
Him getting hammered every night doesn't help , it just stresses me out so bad that all I think about is getting high.
I'm on suboxone this time and that's another worry for me..it has a stigma attached to it also. Not only am I an addict, I'm also an addict that couldn't quit without the help of another opoid..makes me feel even more weak.
I'm not accepted at NA because they say "no mind altering drugs are allowed" and they don't accept suboxone.
I can't afford more therapy at the moment, these appts I have with the addiction dr who prescribes me the suboxone is $120 a week plus the cost of the script which isn't covered and costs me $130 for a weeks supply. It's much cheaper than my addiction was but I've put us in so much debt, it's unreal. I can't spend anymore money right now.
Thank you again for the love.
Cleanin, I messaged you , you're such a kind person, it means allot to me!
You're all so kind.
I guess I'm just having one of those days..I feel very depressed , angry to the point of me screaming at my dogs over the littlest things, I can't control my temper at all! That's so not like me. I've always been a very calm, level headed person (pre opiates) now? I can't take the slightest noise or interruption ..I'm glad I don't have kids, honestly. My dogs deserve a better mom though.
My husband has been online allot lately which is putting all kinds of thoughts in my head. Irrational? Maybe..or I could be on to something. I feel like one big ball of emotional wreckage, used goods, damaged brain and body, emotional stability of a teenager..it's very depressing. I even went through my husbands phone records which is so not like me I'm not a crazy suspicious person but lately I feel so insecure and paranoid.
Maybe , he was doing this all along and I was so worried about getting high and being high, I didn't care or notice?
Him getting hammered every night doesn't help , it just stresses me out so bad that all I think about is getting high.
I'm on suboxone this time and that's another worry for me..it has a stigma attached to it also. Not only am I an addict, I'm also an addict that couldn't quit without the help of another opoid..makes me feel even more weak.
I'm not accepted at NA because they say "no mind altering drugs are allowed" and they don't accept suboxone.
I can't afford more therapy at the moment, these appts I have with the addiction dr who prescribes me the suboxone is $120 a week plus the cost of the script which isn't covered and costs me $130 for a weeks supply. It's much cheaper than my addiction was but I've put us in so much debt, it's unreal. I can't spend anymore money right now.
Thank you again for the love.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
You're welcome hunny! You know I'm always here if you need to talk ok? Have you ever discussed his drinking and how it effects your recovery? He wants you to get off the oxy right? Would he cooperate with you.....or is he an alcoholic? It must be super hard to be around that in recovery!
About the moodiness that is so typical for 23 days in recovery! Be kind to yourself! It's so normal! That's how I was too! I would laugh and cry at the same dog food commercial! My emotions were all over the place. So cut yourself some slack okay? It gets better...trust me! At least you are able to collect some clean time now when before you were up and down with your recovery, so you are doing great!
About the moodiness that is so typical for 23 days in recovery! Be kind to yourself! It's so normal! That's how I was too! I would laugh and cry at the same dog food commercial! My emotions were all over the place. So cut yourself some slack okay? It gets better...trust me! At least you are able to collect some clean time now when before you were up and down with your recovery, so you are doing great!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 396
He doesn't even know about my addiction...he thinks I just wanted to get off pills doesn't even know the half of it. I'm quite frankly scared to tell him, he has expressed his feeling towards junkies and it's not pretty. So, I'm really alone. He has no idea I'm seeing a dr and getting suboxone either.
Yes, my moods are quite erratic. Somedays, I'm happy and feel good and others I just feel tired, depressed and angry. I guess it comes with the territory.
We've discussed his drinking many times! He will say , yes I want to quit but barely makes it a full day before buying more liquor. He is too damn prideful to seek outside help so I'm not sure what's going to happen?
Thank you so much!
Yes, my moods are quite erratic. Somedays, I'm happy and feel good and others I just feel tired, depressed and angry. I guess it comes with the territory.
We've discussed his drinking many times! He will say , yes I want to quit but barely makes it a full day before buying more liquor. He is too damn prideful to seek outside help so I'm not sure what's going to happen?
Thank you so much!
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
I think it's easy to get into a rut. Then it's hard to motivate yourself out of one. Staying at home being bored can really suck the energy and motivation out of anyone. I've been there a lot. You might have to really push yourself to get out and do things to start with. If you are creative, I bet you can find at least one thing you wouldn't hate doing. Be open minded. Just go do it and see if you feel a little bit more energized. The more you do, the more you will want to do. Just sign up for something and do it!
I wrote this after reading just the first posts. Then looked up and saw you were very early in recovery. That kind of changes things. But still, this is my general feeling about motivation, gotta do it to get it.
I wrote this after reading just the first posts. Then looked up and saw you were very early in recovery. That kind of changes things. But still, this is my general feeling about motivation, gotta do it to get it.
Mamahawk
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,034
I agree with wacky. I literally have to force myself to start moving in the morning Ash. It's hard. I will do anything to stay busy. Once you get going it gets easier. I know it sounds to simple but for me it's true. If I did not stay busy it would not take long to succumb to the darkness.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Ashamedof, I'm in a similar situation, unemployed, some personal troubles, but I've found a bit of relief working as a volunteer for the Salvos, helping them with admin.
You get to talk to other people, have a reason to get up and out of the house, and you are helping others. Just a thought, but look around for a charity that needs a hand and see how you go.
You get to talk to other people, have a reason to get up and out of the house, and you are helping others. Just a thought, but look around for a charity that needs a hand and see how you go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 396
Feeling great , I'm actually going to look up charity organizations tomorrow and see if they need my help. I love animals so I am going to see about working at a shelter, but I hope that doesn't make me sad. Especially looking at those poor dogs in cages all day :/
See, the issue for me with work is my husband doesn't want me to get a job..he likes that I depend on him and "need" him. When I bring it up, he shuts it right down. I know you're thinking, "she is a grown woman?" Yes, I am and I hate depending on him, I really do. I have always been very independent...it's just not worth the fight right now..he loves animals too so I'm thinking he won't give me a problem with that.
I have been working out everyday for at least an hour so I got that! It's just being home alone all day is really getting to me and since I screwed up the finances, I don't have money to go around spending.. Trust me, I would love to go shopping, have a spa day, massage, get my hair done etc. god knows I need it but it will have to wait. I do take at least 2 drives a day, even if I'm just blasting some music and going no where, I need the fresh air and it helps my anxiety too.
Bunny, i was thinking of taking a cake decorating class, knitting or something along those lines. I know Michael's art and crafts has classes so thanks for reminding me. As far as drawing goes? I draw stick figures haha but I have tried. I do enjoy writing and I used to write a ton of poems when I was in a very dark place some years back so maybe I'll give that a try again?
I just need to remind myself that this is life..it's not instant gratification, it's not always good, it's going to get bad, I will have really tired and stressed days, I will have bad cravings , I will anger easily sometimes, I will sometimes be bored...
Life is a series of good and bad events, it's how we react to them that determines if we will live a happy or a sad life. The choice is ours, right?
See, the issue for me with work is my husband doesn't want me to get a job..he likes that I depend on him and "need" him. When I bring it up, he shuts it right down. I know you're thinking, "she is a grown woman?" Yes, I am and I hate depending on him, I really do. I have always been very independent...it's just not worth the fight right now..he loves animals too so I'm thinking he won't give me a problem with that.
I have been working out everyday for at least an hour so I got that! It's just being home alone all day is really getting to me and since I screwed up the finances, I don't have money to go around spending.. Trust me, I would love to go shopping, have a spa day, massage, get my hair done etc. god knows I need it but it will have to wait. I do take at least 2 drives a day, even if I'm just blasting some music and going no where, I need the fresh air and it helps my anxiety too.
Bunny, i was thinking of taking a cake decorating class, knitting or something along those lines. I know Michael's art and crafts has classes so thanks for reminding me. As far as drawing goes? I draw stick figures haha but I have tried. I do enjoy writing and I used to write a ton of poems when I was in a very dark place some years back so maybe I'll give that a try again?
I just need to remind myself that this is life..it's not instant gratification, it's not always good, it's going to get bad, I will have really tired and stressed days, I will have bad cravings , I will anger easily sometimes, I will sometimes be bored...
Life is a series of good and bad events, it's how we react to them that determines if we will live a happy or a sad life. The choice is ours, right?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Wow ashamed I love that! That was so philosophical....and you are so right about that! You really should write again! I pretty much like all your ideas. Maybe you could give each a try....see if you like it....then decide! But you should definitely write! 
Take care....good night! See you tomorrow ok?
Take care....good night! See you tomorrow ok?
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