four812

A week ago I used in the late afternoon. It was just another day:
The usual trying to look normal when I saw my wife afterwards....damage control routine the next morning at work...and guilt/self loathing/hopeless-helplessness

I heard a suggestion that I was tired of hearing--"get a sponsor". The last time I tried this a few years ago the guy had anger issues and became threatening. Sponsors usually don't have much tolerance for relapsing....and then when you disagree with what they say to you after a relapse the relationship tends to fade away. I've made several attempts to get a successful sponsor in the last 10 years but it don't last for long when you keep using. The sponsor gets upset etc. I can emphasize though because years ago I was the sponsor dealing with relapser and I would get holier than thou.

For some reason after hearing thoughts about getting a sponsor...I thought "what about this guy on Facebook that I actually went to high school with but I hardly knew him then. He has 25 years if recovery. So I sent him a message and he responded and two hours later we were sitting at a table for lunch. He told me his story. Something happened then: I believed in him and he believed in me.

He's not a regular/typical sponsor in some ways and yet he knows how to help someone ... For one thing he knows how to inspire .... He's also very available via phone messaging ... And if I say help he is there .... I've never had a recovery person care so much for me and follow it up with his actions (or maybe better said his actions speak for him). beside that we agree on most core issues of recovery so far and have other common ground.

So today I am clean for the 7th day. In fact I even bought into going for "no drinking" too.

I am set up for success and now its up to me as it has always been. But today my eyes and heart are open and I have hope and the desire to try again.

After twenty years of trying to get better it has gotten frustrating to come up short again and again.....Especially after getting almost eight years clean my very first time (but that was before crack).

Some of my biggest obstacles have been self hate, depression, mania, anger, fear of not being accepted, and not accepting myself.

So I will stick with hope today. And I will use the will power I have to stay clean. And I will receive help from others. Help in many forms. Help from my sponsor and all my support recovery people. Help from my wife reminding me that I am loved and lovable. Help from my co-workers who still see something good in me. Help from my children, who bring me love and hope and joy. Help from my therapist who has received all my secrets and knows how to help me heal.

Okay that's all for now. Thanks for listening :-)

Lostinhk

We accept you here my friend, you never have to fear acceptance.

So happy you've made it this far! Also, I think in terms of sponsors, someone you know and can relate to is the best way you can go. I'm glad you reached out to him, I've sensed a massive change in the way you're thinking since speaking to him.

Congratulations mate, you're doing great. Keep taking it one day at a time and I know you'll make it. Much love!

four812

Thank you lost

I feel great acceptance here on this site!

Mamahawk

Four you sound different. I hear hope in your words. That's a good sign my friend. I have hope to. Hope for you and for me and for every addict that suffers this terrible disease. Find your strength and fight. I'm with you.

FatallyUncool

Congrats on 7 days clean and reaching out to a new sponsor. These accomplishments are substantial. Great stuff.

four812

I feel so lucky to BE.

For People who love me. and people who show it with no expectations.

I pray to live the life I have and to not worry so much about being accepted or liked. I pray to go with this to the end; to open up to the synchronicity that can help create it. I'm tired of 'waiting' to start the second half of my life. May it start now and I pray to make that happen and to receive all the love and support that thrives around me and to let go of the garbage I carry.

And what do I pray to? I don't know! I just pray to the fricken light. To the light of truth and sincerity. To the highest sense of that within me and outside me.

I'm lucky to still have friends who I was mean to and I'm so grateful for that. Or those that I did stupid things around and they looked past my **** and still saw that I have a good heart somewhere in there! One guy I pulled a knife on in a drunken stupor. On guy I slammed a police officers car and almost sent us both to jail. Others I didn't stand up for. Others I hurt in silence with my addictions.

BlueChair

I agree with mama, you sound different. Stronger, happier with yourself, more optimistic and hopeful. Im happy you called your old friend and have him as your sponsor now. Keeping BEing.

EyesOfAStranger

(((Four))) - you are a rockstar! And you're writing again!

Dee74

Congratulations on your week

D

neferkamichael

Four812, 1 week sober is just FANTASTIC, congratulations. I never could adapt to the idea of letting another drunk think he has power over me. Be proud of yourself for being 1 week sober it is a big accomplishment, and it gets better as the days go by sober, rootin for ya.

four812

Oh thank you all so much. Im having a wonderful night with my daughter. So much better without the sirens in my ears. We practiced volleyball for 3 hours nonstop. She's 12.

Just wanted to check in

Good luck and love to everyone

Lostinhk

That's so cool! Sounds like you're an excellent dad when you're clean.

four812

I have my good points as a parent but not perfect by any means. So much better when I'm free of crack for sure