Newbie1306

Hi everyone, I am new here and need some advice.

My partner of ten years has been addicted to cocaine for the last three years. I only found out last year how bad his problem was and that he was taking it everyday... before that I was convinced he was an alcoholic. I have taken him to recovery where he was speaking to a counselor however, he used to tell me that his counselor had told him his problem wasn't that bad.. in my own head I believe that my partner is just minimising it. Anyway, a few months back he vowed to stop for good and things were great for around six weeks. I felt really happy again and felt like things were looking back up.

My partner has since said that he will go out once a month and take cocaine then, but that he is in control of it. I wasn't happy with this but felt like I was trying to control him by telling him this. Anyway... to cut a long story short the last two weeks I can see him slipping back to his old ways- sleeping all day, sweaty palms, dry mouth and just generally being lazy. He keeps promising that he isn't using again and I keep apologising for making accusations. This saturday just gone I was sure he had taken something so I asked him. He lied to my face- promised he hadn't but I was adamant he had and then he finally admitted he had.

I am heartbroken as I know deep down that he has been taking it a lot more regularly than he is making out. What's upsetting me is that he has said that I am making a big deal out of nothing and he only had a bit. I feel angry that he has said that to me. We have two young children together and the amount of >>>> he has put us through the last couple of years doesn't seem to register with him?!


I just don't know what to do anymore. He said that he can never say that he won't take it again because when he gets together with his mates for a drink up he will take it. He is determined that he is in control of it and that once a month is no big deal. He won't stop drinking, he's said that to me, he said it's what he enjoys, but if it's just once a month I should deal with it and stop trying to control his life.

Is it possible for someone that has been taking it everyday for the last few years to then limit it to every now and again? I love this man dearly but I hate cocaine and I hate being lied to. I am hurt and upset and I feel like I am going mad

11years

I am pretty new here but I think if you post again in the families or loved ones of an addict section, you will get more responses. His use, though, is about him, and not you. He will only change when he is ready to change. And being all the way ready is tough. If he did get better for six weeks, he probably does want to change.

Newbie1306

Thank you for your response. I'll try in that forum 😊

four812

sounds like you are in a tough situation...I have been doing to my wife what your partner has been doing to you.

its easy to lie because i'd rather lie than tell the truth and hurt her....but in reality the lie is even more hurtful that the truth. but I was doing everything i could to use and not be found out...it was exhausting. Lying outright to her was only part of it...I also made up stories of where I had been, or made it look like i was with my daughter than i really was...anything that would create time so that I could use again.

good luck

four812

the main thing is that you need to try and take care of yourself. it's hard because maybe all you are thinking about is him....and him getting better...and what you can do to help....etc.

in the big picture there is not much you can do to help him....he has to help himself...he has to stop...it's up to him.....how he stops is optional....but sometimes it ends up being dettermined by the law...by life/death....or by the addict losing their partner

i hope you keep reaching out for help here on this forum....or in "alanon"....or wherever else you can find it.....and this help is about how to take care of YOU.

rc4dt1

Good responses here so far.

I am a cocaine addict - sober from all mind altering substances for 3+ months. I have tried several times to get and stay sober. Those times I tried for someone else or to save a relationship with someone or something else. I ended up relapsing after periods of time. I am not saying it's essential to want to change because a person hates themselves but for me it got to a point where I didn't want to go on with life (with or without my relationships, job, material belongings, etc) because I was in such a dark place MYSELF. I had to change for me and me only. It cost me a relationship in the end. A relationship with a woman that I truly did/do love. But I was not able to balance a relationship with recovery. It was just too much for me.... and it was too much for her too.

Not sure what my point is here. I guess I just wanted to share my experience. I would venture to guess that it has nothing to do with how much he cares about you. He is in the grips of a nasty addiction.

And to answer your question... I have never heard of a person being able to use like an addict for a long period of time and then be able to go back to recreational use. And if that does happen for a couple times it's a ticking time bomb for when that person (me included) loses control.

I wish you the best and I agree that you will find more support in the family section or better yet ALANON.

Done_With_It

Hopefully you got some good advice in the other forum.

I say anyone who thinks they can control 'cocaine' is in for a long ride to hell
and I wouldn't want to be along for that ride.

JMO

Newbie1306

Thanks everyone for your responses. I have posted in the friends and family forum too and been given some great responses. I'm feeling devastated right now and wishing for my partner to be who he once was. This sucks ��

EyesOfAStranger

Newbie, I don't have any good advice to offer right now, but just wanted to send some hugs your way. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this