Day 2
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Join Date: Mar 2005
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Day 2
TUESDAY: My heart is pounding I want to use so ******* bad I'm shaking My veins throb My heart is heavy and sad My mind screams for more crack; for permission Otherwise I sit in my chair playing solitaire all day I'm sick of this life But it will go on today It's what I do now
*****
THURSDAY: Two days ago I drove through a stop sign that I didn't see I was too busy listening to the screaming sirens of the imaginary police that surround me when I've smoked crack Then I got to see the real police but there were no sirens I got a ticket and totaled my vehicle Today I got a new shinny car but am to ashamed to tell people I'm not shaking and throbbing for more crack but my mind has shut down all my dreams and is suffocating me Using isn't an option now
*****
THURSDAY: Two days ago I drove through a stop sign that I didn't see I was too busy listening to the screaming sirens of the imaginary police that surround me when I've smoked crack Then I got to see the real police but there were no sirens I got a ticket and totaled my vehicle Today I got a new shinny car but am to ashamed to tell people I'm not shaking and throbbing for more crack but my mind has shut down all my dreams and is suffocating me Using isn't an option now
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Thanks
I'm keeping it going. I had a good therapy session and committed myself to make it back in one week without using. I don't know how ill do it but it will start with one day at a time and opening to my higher power.
I'm in for the night and got a movie queued up ( "Joe")
I'm keeping it going. I had a good therapy session and committed myself to make it back in one week without using. I don't know how ill do it but it will start with one day at a time and opening to my higher power.
I'm in for the night and got a movie queued up ( "Joe")
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
You can do it four. How about it isn't an option ever again? Take it out of the equation. It's gone. Forever. 2 days is 2 days. You are doing it and I am praying for you Four. I know you can.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 598
Four, I so feel your pain. Different drugs maybe, yet the feelings are the same. I am proud that I have 5 full clean days behind me, but I have been here before. I should hate these pills, truly hate them, but I don't. What I do hate is that addict voice in me. Dang, she needs to move the heck out! She seems to be so much smarter than me - but in reality, she is me. So I need to learn to control her instead of the other way around.
I know how easy it is to fall back in. She's won every time before. I am scared too that I will give in. But this time I am using the great advice I have read from others here as my ammunition against it. I have a lot of new tools that I didn't have before. But that does not mean I'm not scared. I am terrified of failing. But one day at a time. It's so true. That's all we can do right now. And hopefully time will start to add up quickly and those horrible voices of ours will just begin to disappear in to oblivion.
How about you and I just get through today? And we put shame and fear aside for the moment. Can you do that with me?
I know how easy it is to fall back in. She's won every time before. I am scared too that I will give in. But this time I am using the great advice I have read from others here as my ammunition against it. I have a lot of new tools that I didn't have before. But that does not mean I'm not scared. I am terrified of failing. But one day at a time. It's so true. That's all we can do right now. And hopefully time will start to add up quickly and those horrible voices of ours will just begin to disappear in to oblivion.
How about you and I just get through today? And we put shame and fear aside for the moment. Can you do that with me?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Eyes!
Yes I will do that with you! Thanks eyes.
I had a blah morning. Can't seem to start the days good in the morning, especially at work. I'm not getting along well with my job! I need to apply myself more that's for sure.
But later I talked with an alky at work and then went to a meeting. And I'm feeling a little better, and have a little more hope and desire to live this day clean.
Yes I will do that with you! Thanks eyes.
I had a blah morning. Can't seem to start the days good in the morning, especially at work. I'm not getting along well with my job! I need to apply myself more that's for sure.
But later I talked with an alky at work and then went to a meeting. And I'm feeling a little better, and have a little more hope and desire to live this day clean.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 598
Excellent! I couldn't ask for anything more than that! I know you've been struggling a long time, and I know you've felt like a *uck up for a long time, so you probably have a hard time believing in your own worth, or that you have any redeeming qualities. But from the bottom of my heart - you inspire me, you truly do. I hope you can let yourself believe that, I really do 
Ugh, yes - by far, with no doubt - mornings are the absolute worst for me! It does not help that I've never been a morning person anyway, but getting going now is even worse than before. Cause I don't have my morning "pick me up" anymore. I remember in college learning about circadian rhythms, which control how our bodies and why some of us are different - night owls. I used to work overnights and that helps me, but it throws the rest of your life so off kilter from everyone else that I just could not continue. A sleep doctor had given me some suggestions, such as getting something called a "light box" and putting it on my desk at work. I walked out thinking, um - yeah ok buddy....but now I'm thinking maybe it's worth a try.
I have also found that pouring out my thoughts here has really really helped me. I've probably shared a little too much, posted ad nauseam at times (I did mention before but brevity has never been my strong point), but it is so different knowing that those reading it won't think I'm crazy (well, I am a little but I know that so it's ok lol) and be able to understand. There are those is my real life that will listen, but you can just tell that they don't really get it. I also prefer this than face to face interactions right now. I don't know if that would help you or not, but it really has made me feel less alone. You're not alone.
Ugh, yes - by far, with no doubt - mornings are the absolute worst for me! It does not help that I've never been a morning person anyway, but getting going now is even worse than before. Cause I don't have my morning "pick me up" anymore. I remember in college learning about circadian rhythms, which control how our bodies and why some of us are different - night owls. I used to work overnights and that helps me, but it throws the rest of your life so off kilter from everyone else that I just could not continue. A sleep doctor had given me some suggestions, such as getting something called a "light box" and putting it on my desk at work. I walked out thinking, um - yeah ok buddy....but now I'm thinking maybe it's worth a try.
I have also found that pouring out my thoughts here has really really helped me. I've probably shared a little too much, posted ad nauseam at times (I did mention before but brevity has never been my strong point), but it is so different knowing that those reading it won't think I'm crazy (well, I am a little but I know that so it's ok lol) and be able to understand. There are those is my real life that will listen, but you can just tell that they don't really get it. I also prefer this than face to face interactions right now. I don't know if that would help you or not, but it really has made me feel less alone. You're not alone.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Thank you eyes… Your replies and encouragement are always helpful for me and make me feel less alone.
So work is almost over. I pick up my daughter a little later and I will go home first and do something instead of getting crack before I pick up my daughter and smoking it and showing up to see her with sirens in my ears and paranoid fear a hold of me. I know I will do right today. Even if j have an urge, which I will after writing that. There it is: the urge. But I will let it go
I will breathe in deep right now. I will think of my higher power. I will pray to let it in me. I pray for light...the light of truth to come inside. I will have empathy for the part of me that wants to use. I understand that it wants to help take away the pain and fear and shame that lives in me. I will understand with compassion but then I will say sorry not today. Today it is not an option.
I don't feel a 100% on .... But I will stay clean today if it's the least I can do. And that's about the best I got today. But I'm not in too much discomfort about not using. I'm just uneasy because I'm in a bad dream and feel alone and pretty much useless. That will change little by little as time goes by as long as I stay clean and change and pray and help others and stuff.
So work is almost over. I pick up my daughter a little later and I will go home first and do something instead of getting crack before I pick up my daughter and smoking it and showing up to see her with sirens in my ears and paranoid fear a hold of me. I know I will do right today. Even if j have an urge, which I will after writing that. There it is: the urge. But I will let it go
I will breathe in deep right now. I will think of my higher power. I will pray to let it in me. I pray for light...the light of truth to come inside. I will have empathy for the part of me that wants to use. I understand that it wants to help take away the pain and fear and shame that lives in me. I will understand with compassion but then I will say sorry not today. Today it is not an option.
I don't feel a 100% on .... But I will stay clean today if it's the least I can do. And that's about the best I got today. But I'm not in too much discomfort about not using. I'm just uneasy because I'm in a bad dream and feel alone and pretty much useless. That will change little by little as time goes by as long as I stay clean and change and pray and help others and stuff.
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