Take away the drugs I'm still left with ME
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 153
Take away the drugs I'm still left with ME
I have 5 days clean today. I've been in and out of sobriety for the past 3 years. A few stints in rehab, a few solo efforts... I just haven't been able to stay committed to whatever my plan is. Until now. Until today at least. I have plugged myself back into the program and I pray every day to whomever could be listening for the willingness to stay committed to my recovery. It's when I think I don't need it that I start the road to relapse.
So, 5 days clean and I have been to a meeting a day. I go right now because I need support. I have tried to do it alone and I have not been able to. My longest period of sobriety started with rehab and a commitment to AA. That commitment faded and I relapsed at 1 year and 6 days. I don't know exactly why I lose the dedication but I am getting hints of it only after 5 days.
Today I am feeling good about going to my meetings. I actually look forward to going and being around other people. Usually I am pretty introverted but I think it's because I don't feel like I fit in. It's totally distorted thinking, I know this. But I have low self-esteem. Probably from some childhood stuff I went through and then turning to drugs at a young age... I don't think I ever fully developed a mature view of myself. Who knows...? Anyway, the meetings are helping.
What I am struggling with today is missing an ex. I feel like I have wasted so much time. I feel like I lost a relationship with a woman that was truly my best friend. But I was looking for the rush of a passionate relationship, that intense chemistry, that "high". Who knows if she was the right one... I go back and forth thinking this is for the best and this is a mistake. I'm 36 now and I am in so much fear. Fear that I will never find another woman like her. Fear that I am just going to get old and unattractive. Fear that I am not going to be desirable because I am in recovery.
And then there is the constant second guessing of myself. A lack of confidence in most of what I do... how I perform at work, how I spend my money, how I dress, what my hair looks like, whether I am physically fit enough. It's these feelings that get so intense that I seek escape.
I see a therapist. I try to talk about this stuff. I am going to meetings. It just feels like it's going to take so long to get better, so long until I love myself and feel true hope for the future.
Just had to get this out. I am not going to use today.
So, 5 days clean and I have been to a meeting a day. I go right now because I need support. I have tried to do it alone and I have not been able to. My longest period of sobriety started with rehab and a commitment to AA. That commitment faded and I relapsed at 1 year and 6 days. I don't know exactly why I lose the dedication but I am getting hints of it only after 5 days.
Today I am feeling good about going to my meetings. I actually look forward to going and being around other people. Usually I am pretty introverted but I think it's because I don't feel like I fit in. It's totally distorted thinking, I know this. But I have low self-esteem. Probably from some childhood stuff I went through and then turning to drugs at a young age... I don't think I ever fully developed a mature view of myself. Who knows...? Anyway, the meetings are helping.
What I am struggling with today is missing an ex. I feel like I have wasted so much time. I feel like I lost a relationship with a woman that was truly my best friend. But I was looking for the rush of a passionate relationship, that intense chemistry, that "high". Who knows if she was the right one... I go back and forth thinking this is for the best and this is a mistake. I'm 36 now and I am in so much fear. Fear that I will never find another woman like her. Fear that I am just going to get old and unattractive. Fear that I am not going to be desirable because I am in recovery.
And then there is the constant second guessing of myself. A lack of confidence in most of what I do... how I perform at work, how I spend my money, how I dress, what my hair looks like, whether I am physically fit enough. It's these feelings that get so intense that I seek escape.
I see a therapist. I try to talk about this stuff. I am going to meetings. It just feels like it's going to take so long to get better, so long until I love myself and feel true hope for the future.
Just had to get this out. I am not going to use today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
I'm glad you got that all out ! Now lighten up on yourself and give yourself a break, already. No wonder you used in the past. Just take it ONE day at a time and set a goal to do one thing Loving towards Yourself each day. Start there and forget the rest for now. JMHO
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