Sidney14

I think the last time I posted was in Jan I think nothing is really wrong but mentally I am not ok. My motivation or passion in life has lost itself amongst running back and forth between the daily routine of home-school- childcare- work- childcare - school - home plus extra curriculum activities of swimming lessons driving kids to and from parties. I am so blessed I am healthy my kids are happy and healthy I have a home food I have a job but I feel mentally exhausted and frustrated and angry at myself for spending the little time I have for myself being wasted by procrastinating or being too tired to do anything or enjoy anything. My boss seems to be also moving positions now within the same company but given the nature of my job I will stay put in the same job only as an executive assistant to someone else. I have to admit I am suffering from extreme boredom at my job too, which makes everything else also not easier. I don't know how to get the spark for life back it is just gone ,..... Sorry am not trying to be a victim I am aware of myself sinking into this hole of just existing .......which scares me......

OpioPhobe

Sidney - I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. That sounds like a pattern I was experiencing over my period of sobriety a couple years ago. I didn't have school thrown in the mix, but it was definitely all about work and helping out around the house.

This may seem counterintuitive, but have you tried exercising? I have noticed a big change in my energy levels since I have been exercising. It is really tough to get started when you are fatigued like that, but once you get going it generally starts to help right away. That may allow you to enjoy the time that you have by yourself fully. Is there anyone that you can lean on for help during this time? Is there a relative that could take the kids to swimming lessons on certain days or a nanny that could help out?

happycampers

even start with five minutes of exercise and build from there - whatever activity that appeals to you. Even a brisk walk for five minutes.

Sidney14

Exercise such as jogging/ running has always been a constant in my life. The days or weeks I actually did not go for a jog was because I either extremely sick or wasted and hiding away. Unfortunately I do not have much support I have my sister but she is a single mum herself of two boys and busy, my dad is 75 and not a hands on granddad as such...... My one and only so called best friend I have known for over 20 years is single but work totally consumes her and lately well for the last 5 or so years we have been drifting in and out of our friendship..... This has to do with her expectations of how I should just be readily available whenever she needs me amongst other things are set way over the top. Not realistic when one is also working fault time plus single handledly raise three daughters get basic household chores done etc.... She has the habit of doing things that I have never asked of her and then she gets upset when suddenly I can't make a commitment to meet due to me not feeling too well, or one of my kids is sick , she has excuses all the time when she does not feel up to it and I am always the one driving for 30'mins to and from her place and sometimes humanly trying to be there for her even though I am about to fall over of tiredness, I just don't think she sees or wants to see the other side of it I.e my side. Because according to her I have it all kids work a place I own.....and I can't complain whereas she has a much better job earns more money, has her own place .... I don't know I know in the end I will end up contacting her and apologise for something I have no idea I did wrong...... It is like a visious cycle with her..... Maybe I am just being too hard on her maybe I am the weird crazy friend ....... I am aware this just went to a totally different place......
My boss also left the office last Thursday he had me in tears I worked for him as a personal assistant fro 7 years and even though I knew he was leaving it still drained me quite a bit emotionally leaving me quite upset. Now I am left with the fun task of having to clean up his desk on Monday because as he said it was just too overwhelming for him to do ......I don't know anymore....

happycampers

take yourself out for some kind of treat today- healthy one, of course. Just try and relax a bit somehow. Don't analyze your friendship so much - we're ALL a little crazy, that's why we need compassion for each other !

HonestlyTrying

I have been feeling kind of crazy lately due to a lot of changes and things around me changing. I kind of feel like I am in the center of a raging storm. I don't feel like this very often so I am doing things that help me regain my emotional footing, I guess I would call it. Several things seem to be eating at me for attention that I am unsure how to deal with. First of all, I have to take care of myself or everything will get blown out of proportion. I need to focus on what I can do and let God handle what anyone else is doing. As long as I am taking care of my side of the street and not everyone elses then I have come along way in keeping my own sanity!

Sidney14

You are right I need to take care of myself first and if I am ok everything follows naturally from there.....I guess that is where my frustration comes in and my selfloathing at times especially when I feel like I end up doing what everyone else wants but not really what I want or need at that time, which might just involve being this also applies to my kids. The little ones I guess are the only exceptions but even then I also need to not let mothers guilt comes in and then feeling unappreciated at the end. I have spoken to many mothers and a lot of mothers struggle with mothers guilt and try to be this unrealistic super woman that can handle it all. It ends like being one is burning the candle at both ends.

Sometimes it is easier said than done.

finaltime

Sidney, you sound just like me..I go crazy with routine and after a while lose it. I am trying to give myself ME time. Are you able to do that? Do you go to meetings? I am now going to AA/NA meetings and finding the fellowship fun with the same goals. Grabbing a coffee or dinner etc. I know how you feel though, just hang in there.

Sidney14

Thanks .... Me time is virtually 0
The last two week have even a roller coaster ride, from having an upset friend, to my boss quitting, having my eldest end up in hospital in emergency surgery for a very deep cut which occurred at her work add to that sleepless nights, I am just going out of my mind at the moment I feel like I am failing as a mother, friend, sister and most of all am failing myself by not being happy..... I don't even can find the money nor the time to go and see a counsellor ..... Sorry don't like feeling this way I just miss my old me the days where I was carefree and happy ....I just feel like I have lost myself ...

finaltime

Sidney I am very sorry to hear this. I understand though. Are you sober now?

doggonecarl

You are a parent, an adult. Responsibility takes precedence over being carefree and happy. You can have days where you feel like that. But you have to carry on during the days when you aren't.

Sidney14

I am fully aware of that especially as a parent I have made the choice of being responsible that does not mean I am not human yes it means being clean and sober, providing safety and for my children's needs..... But there is only one of me and sometimes I get overwhelmed to the point where I don't want to face the day or feel that physically getting out of bed is too much to ask of me..... I have had months I have not seen my psychiatrist who I am due to see on Monday, this has been through not being able to pay and ultimately just the thought of having to get into the car after I finally arrive to work proves to be too much ....... And yes as I mentioned on the start of this post, I have had these feelings and yes a week later my boss resigns, my eldest daughter lands in emergency hospital for surgery due to a freak accident, I SMS my best friend asking for a shoulder to lean on only to be told I am too much too handle etc etc...... No help from her that night apart from being judged, in the midst of this I am somehow trying to still do the little kids drop off at school and childcare, work and look the part like I have it all together and also dealing with my ex who needs to text me 365 days every single night the same SMS " how r my girls"

I am sorry don't know what I am saying anymore and yes I am sober and yes my support network consists of max two people and they can only do so much...... How much more responsible as a person can I be ....?....?!!
By saying miss being carefree I meant I miss me, me who used to not worry so much or stress so much or lose patience due to lack of sleep..... I miss me me has a person....