PeachyClean

You need a leave of absense for Personal medical reasons. Does your company have an Employee Referral Program?

Come on Harry, your a smart guy. I bet if you put your mind to it and desperately wanted help.....................> you would find it.

IMHO.............>3 months to treat cocain addiction is not that long time. A good investment considering it will help you the rest of your life.


Oh..and if you continue using.............>the greater the odd that your company will find out anyway.....>then what?



Harry I know you can do this. Stop trying to talk yourself out of the help you need. Just Do It!!

kj3880

I didn't take any time off work. I started working on my recovery on a Friday and went back to work on Sunday. With a lot of medication. If you really want to do it, it can be done. If I can do it, anyone can. But I am really making it a priority. I am thinking about this more than anything else.
kj

HarryB

I'll have to provide those reasons and in writing. We do have a referal program and it does technically cover things like this but I'm fairly certain no one has used it for this particular reason.
It's not so much a case of actually getting fired because that would have legal consequences (I'd make sure of it) but it would stand against me and dead-end my career.

I honestly can't come up with a good argument now. They should probably hire you.

Hmmm.

HarryB

How is it going for you, working whilst taking benzos? They tend not to have an effect on me until I've taken enough to fall asleep.

I suppose, since they're perscribed for a variety of things (I first took them for a trapped nerve in my neck), I could mention it without too many raised eyebrows.

kj3880

I don't take benzos. I used them only the first two days when I was off work. Sometimes, I'll take a 1/2 mil. to get to sleep at night. But never at work. I have suboxone that I take every day in decreasing doses. It doesn't affect me as much as the pills I was addicted to (or as much as the sickness when I couldn't get them did) while working. I seem to be on top of my game. Several people have mentioned that I seem so much better and even look prettier (not to toot my own horn) this month. They think that I was sick from several surgeries I did have last year and that now I'm getting finally better.
kj

PeachyClean

lol. Harry. All the arguments you have posted........>I have used.
Listen, do what you need to do to get well. It sounds like you are "able" to take the time away...........>so, do it. Your benefits cover it. You really have nothing to loose. Who knows..........>this may even open new doors for you as far as your "career" opportunities...if you so decide that change is needed. It will give you a chance to see your situation from another perspective.

In my case, my company ended up firing me anyway....long story... and I did sue them. But the point is, if I hadn't gone to rehab, I may have never learned how to deal with my addiction. I wouldn't have had the opportunity to do what I'm doing now. All I can say, is that I'm happier and more fullfilled now, than I've ever been.

Get the help. You deserve it.

Impurrfect

Harry - you talk about you would die without your career, family, friends. I hate to tell you, but you're already putting your career on the line. You spoke, the other day, of having dried blood on your face from a nosebleed and that people are commenting on your weight loss.

Sorry, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to put 2 and 2 together. Not to mention that the more you continue coke, the nosebleeds will get worse and unpredictable. How are you going to feel when your nose starts bleeding when your with coworkers?

There are common things that coke addicts do, like sniffling a lot. Most of the world is well aware of signs of someone using coke. You may think you're doing a great job of hiding it, but I wouldn't be so sure. I don't know about over there, but let someone run around like an energizer bunny 24/7 and people are asking "what's he on?" Even normal energetic people have days when their tired and not up to par....coke addicts don't (until they run out of money for coke).

I know of several people who have been in rehab and their insurance didn't go up. I don't have any experience on rehab...my "rehab" consisted of being locked up for almost 6 months. I wouldn't recommend it, but keep using an illegal substance and it's a huge possibility, no matter how careful you are.

I was just as addicted to the lifestyle of using as I was the crack. I thought anyone living the life I have now was really missing out. Boy, was I wrong.

I still wasn't really ready to quit, even after jail. I did quit, but kept thinking the same way, and eventually went back to a full-blown relapse where I lost almost everything again. I finally told myself that I would give recovery 6 months. If I absolutely hated it and was still longing for the old crack days, crack would still be there. It didn't take me 6 months to realize that it was the crack life that was BS.

ZombieWife

I visit the friends/family area often and I've never read anyone that's said male addicts are women-hating, physically abusive sociopath. I am not sure where you are getting that. I know some women post about the men in their lives who are abusive, but I certainly don't think they feel all addictive men are this way.

My husband (a recovering meth addict) always put my needs above his own in a sense. He took meth so he could get housework done, make it through work, stay awake. What he didn't understand was that I would rather him sleep 24 hours a day for a month straight if it meant that substance wasn't in my house with our child. To him, my needs were that I needed things done, and that if he helped, put himself last, took care of stuff around the house, that I would be content and happy and be in need of nothing.

He didn't think, "oh, well I'm putting my child at risk, putting MY safety at risk, putting his body through hell." He didn't stop to consider that he was taking years of his life off with every snort, smoke and whiff. He didn't think of what would happen to me and our child when he died an early death because he had a heart attack or organ failure due to his using. He never asked me what I really needed, what I really wanted. He just assumed paying the bills, keeping things organized was a good husband's job. All I wanted was my husband back, someone to grow old with, who would be there with me to share in life.

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but if you "putting her needs above yours," in any way involves you still using . . . then I'm calling you on that. From the looks of it, it does seem that you both are intertwined in a very unhealthy way. I'm sorry she is also dealing with some issues (the bipolar deal is so hard.)

I hope you find it. You say you are thinking about what to do. Consider your options. And please don't be afraid to see a therapist or someone (it's confidential.) Even if you only go once, you can at least get some advice.

Is she getting professional help? Have you considered going to someone together? Sweetheart, I just don't think you can do this on your own. I think you need help. You both do. It doesn't mean you are any less of a person by getting that help. It just means that you CURRENTLY don't have the tools to do this or you wouldn't be here begging for help (even though you shoot down almost every one of our ideas.) There is no magical solution. But, you have to be willing to try and willing to step into the unknown--even if you think it sounds goofy or that it won't be a lucritive venture.

You prize your work and your financial stability (which is crumbling,) but you are putting those in jeopardy every time you use. What if you get caught? Arrested? Where would your job be then? Your reputation?

Hang in there, ok? You are capable of rising above this. You seem like a successful person and you seem to have a self awareness in regard to your own intelligence, but I think that's one of the things working against you right now. You can't think your way out of this, or you would have found the magical cure by now.

At any rate . . . keep us updated.

HarryB

Here's and update I'm quite happy to make:

Yesterday I only used just over half of what I was using a few days ago!

I still have the other half as I bought my regular amount and I hope that's all I will use today.
To be honest, a large part of my brain is saying "Yay, free extra coke!" but I'm trying to ignore that part. Wish me luck.
I've not long woken up (blessed sleep!) and my girlfriend is coming 'round shortly but I'll reply to the comments left here later.

Thank you.

HarryB

Suboxone is only for opiates, right?
I've been reading up quite a bit on the medication used for various drugs and it seems there is no particular medication used for cocaine.

It only takes you half an mg to fall asleep? I've never encountered any valium is doses of less than 2mg per pill. Don't worry - I'm not calling you a liar...I just wish I could find pills in smaller doses.
Right now it takes me around 8mg to get to sleep. Although, that's when I've been using and I suppose it hits me harder when I come down.

To be honest; I don't think I'll need medication to help me. It's more of a mental thing for me, at least that's the conclusion I've come to.

HarryB

You obviously don't want to mention what happened with your former employer on a public for (and I understand that) but, if it's not to much trouble, I'd really appreciate you Private Messaging me about it.
Please don't worry about putting me off treatment - it's more off-putting not to know.

One thing I will ask you here is: how could being found out possibly benefit my career?

kj3880

I don't know about what the smallest dose is for valium, but there are other benzos. I take ativan (lorazepam) which is stronger than valium supposedly, so it comes in smaller doses. I take the smallest one, which is .5. You can even cut those in half if you want to.
Suboxone is for opiates. They are working on some studies with medication to decrease cocaine cravings in the US. I don't know if the meds are available in the UK yet.
kj

Sugah

Do you mind telling us what field you're in, Harry? I know doctors, nurses, attorneys, school teachers, even judges who are in recovery, and for all of them, their employers or partners are aware of their addiction history, and for many of them, it's common knowledge that they're in recovery.

As far as how it can help your career, my husband and his clients feel it's made him a better attorney. He deals with situations in a much more honest and straight-forward manner. Many of the clients who left him when his alcoholism became apparent - as you have related your coke use is becoming apparent - have come back to him again. But then - he was "found out" and did something about it.

Somebody up above indicated that you're probably not hiding it as well as you think you are, and I agree - if only based on those who told me after the fact (after I got clean) how concerned they had been but hadn't wanted to say anything to me.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

HarryB

I've done a good job covering myself. It's probably not worked out for the best as it has allowed me to continue using but I have a perfect line of excuses for the way I've been acting.

Having energy whilst looking like death warmed over is easy to explain by the amount of coffee and Red Bull I consume on a daily basis. They are stimulants too (I've always liked my perk) and obviously have similar effects. When I used to drink gallons of coffee at university a few people joked I looked like a 'junkie' so the reverse must work the same.
Who cares about sniffling and nosebleeds? Everyone seems to be developing allergies thesedays and it's the season for it. A few years ago I had a nasal polyp removed and that caused nosebleeds (this was back when I barely touched coke) so it could feasibly be put down to another one of those.
Even if my co-workers do suspect something then they're more likely to suspect occasional recreational use instead of addiction. I know at least three people in the company who use recreationally from seeing it first hand so it would be hypocritcal and suspicious for them to mention anything.

I used to think people were missing out on my lifestyle but not so much anymore. Lots of people do it but they appear to have it under control and now I'm jealous of them for completely different reasons.
When I was much younger and far more niave I thought cocaine was for the successful and famous but I've seen the other people who use my dealers and most of them I'd cross the road to avoid! If people started looking at me like that then the sheer shame of it would probably stop me from ever using again.

I keep trying to tell myself coke will always be there after any treatment should I want to go back but that's half the problem - it's here NOW! It's here in six months but it's also only half an hour away. I think I'd have to live on a remote island in Antarctica to get away from the stuff.

HarryB

Ah, I've taken lorazapam before but I don't know the doseage because I often just grab and swallow which is pretty stupid, i admit that.
Valium seems to be the drug of choice for GPs to perscribe in this area. I don't know if they have a contract with the drugs companies or anything but everyone seems to be perscribe a certain drug for whatever condition no matter what. I know that for depression Seroxat (Paxil) is the first port of call given to everyone I know.
Maybe I could try asking for Lorazapam but benzodiazapams are apparently highly addictive and my doctor would raise and eyebrow if I asked for something known to be stronger than Valium.

HarryB

I'd rather not give too many details on a public forum likes this. It's not coke paranoia - I'm just a private person, generally.
I work in the financial sector and that's as much information as I'm going to give as I don't think it's very important. My girlfriend already calls me 'Patrick Bateman' to ridicule me for being such a cliche.

The people I have to deal with face to face outside of my company have generally all been important clients who wouldn't be afraid to throw me to the piranhas if they weren't happy with me.

Maybe new things will come to light when I'm clean but I really can't comment now. I'm sure I will get some comments about looking healthier and less tired but, mostly, people don't like to comment on that sort of thing.

HarryB

The 'Red flags in a relationship' post certainly painted male addicts as monsters.

I don't really know what my girlfriend wants outside of a magic wand to give her a perfect life and I can't provide that.
I know she wouldn't want me dead or out of action but it seems like she wants me at her beck and call twenty-four hours a day and I can't do that without some strong chemical help.

She's a volatile hand grenade with a hair-trigger mechanism so I never know how she is going to react when I tell her anything. If I broached the subject of joint treatment/therapy (which I'm not certain I'm too keen on myself) she could either force me into it like a new addiction or never speak to me again.
I know she needs treatment at least as much as I do but convincing her to take it is a whole other matter. Lately we've had arguments about the post office and CHEESE so I dread to think how anything more serious would go down.

ZombieWife

Warning. Not so nice post. Read at your own risk.

They are the same for females, too. You'd be shocked to see what the men who go to that board have to say about their wives and what they do for their drugs (think the worst.)

Again, that's a problem. If her needs require you to use, then that's problematic. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that.

It's only going to get worse.

I seriously don't know what you want anymore. There's nothing we say that is making a dent.

Can't do rehab because it means too much time off from work. (check)
Can't do the 12 step programs. (check)
Can't look into antidepressants--had a problem a few decades ago (right?) (check)
Don't think a therapist would help and it's probably a waste of time. (check)
Same for an addictologist, just sounds a bit odd, can't waste my money. (check)
Can't mention help for her. She would freak out or never speak to you. (check)
Want to find a solution that involves being able to take coke again in the future, "if you wanted to." (ummm sure, check)

Am I missing anything else here? You systematically shoot everything down.

what do you want?

If you want to quit, then stop making sorry-ass excuses. One after another after another. They're not "reasons" they're excuses. And you really have yourself convinced that they make sense. I mean, you really do. You're throwing logic at is as if that's really a viable argument, as if you are somehow blessed with the knowledge and the foresight that every single one of us lack (your supposed intelligence again getting the best of you: I'm smart, I know what's best. blah blah.)

If you really wanted HER to get help, you'd stop making excuses for HER and your apparent DESIRE (it's NOT a need, it's a CHOICE) to wait on her hand and foot.

The fact that you mention she's a time-bomb waiting to explode, that she would commit suicide without you in one breath, then "how could I EVER try and really get her help" in another, tells me you aren't living in any kind of logical world I know. You've somehow justified it in your mind that it's ok--what you're doing now--that it will work, even though you're arguing about stupid crap and you worry about her taking her own life.

Again, mouse on a wheel. Maybe you'll get out.

Here's an idea. If she threatens suicide, CALL THE POLICE. GET HER INTO A MENTAL INSTITUTION. If she's that bad off that you can't do anything in the wide world to help, then she needs to be in a professional place where she won't hurt herself or others. If she's really that bad off.

You are choosing this lifestyle. Until you're really ready to quit. Then please tell us what you want.

This is all we get from you....
But
But... but....

I can't do this.

I can't do that.

I can't possibly do THAT.

Sorry if this sounds short, but you're wasting your own time. You come to a board about sober recovery asking people who are IN sober recovery and fighting the good fight every day (hour, minute,) to help you find ways to hide your addiction (the original post) and pretty yourself up, to cover your tracks. Does that make sense to you? I mean, I'm sure you'll answer with:

Well logically speaking, I know what I'm doing.

Then it comes...

BUT....
I
Can't
Do
Anything
About
It

HELP
ME

But....
I
Can't
Do
That
Either...

HELP
ME

I'm a bitch. I'll save you the trouble of pointing that out. Nothing is working for you here because you absolutely refuse to help yourself in a productive manner. And I agree with what another poster said.

You're just not ready to quit.

Someone who sits there with a straight face and says, "I want to know coke is still there for me after recovery," is either blowing smoke up our arses, or you're just not ready.

There's a metric butt-load of support here when you are ready. Until then, I don't know what you want, because I'm tired of coming here and seeing people who have been through more hell in a week than I will personally ever see in a lifetime and them offering their support and love with open arms only to be told that their lives are mundane because they're working min. wage, or that what they've all done couldn't possibly work for YOU, and that every single one of their ideas is BS. It's hard to see. You're not serious about this. I honestly don't believe that anymore.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO DO SOMETHING YOU WILL FIND A WAY.
IF YOU DON'T. YOU WILL FIND AN EXCUSE.

The
End

I hope the best for you, but this is an exercise in frustration when you keep giving the same ole plate of crap disguised in "logical rhetoric" and "real reasons why you can't do a damn thing."

Paint it whatever color you want.

You claim to have the brains, but where wisdom is concerned . . . you missed the boat, or it's been snorted away.

Best of luck. I'll be here when you're serious. Until you are, the only thing that's coming out of your mouth is one excuse after another. When you really are ready, then I hope you realize that my words may be really over the top and nasty, but I'm someone you always want in your corner because I can kick ass with the rest of them.

kj3880

Zombiewife,
you rock. and you're totally, right-on, 100%. I think the difficult truth is way better than a pretty lie. People need to hear the truth, and in this case, it can save their life. I had determined after my last post not talk any more on this thread because I'd decided to spend my time supporting those who are more open to my ideas but I wanted to throw in my support, ZW, in case people are going to say you're being harsh. You aren't being harsh, you're saying what needs to be said to get to a difficult but important truth .
kj

HarryB

Zombie Wife:

I admire the courage it takes to write something as unpleasant as you just did.
Are you trying the 'tough love' approach, now? If so, I don't respond to that.

Do you think I come here for fun? If I wanted verbal abuse and hulimilation then I'd visit Sadistic Sue in Soho.

I wasn't 'blowing smoke up your ass' when I wrote about cocaine still being there after recovery - I was referencing what the person I quoted had said.

Yes, I've made a lot of 'excuses' but I'm not going to throw away everything I have just so the people here approve of me.
If you've read everything I've said in this thread then you would know that I conceeded that I had no real reason not to use the employee referal program to seek treatment. Sadly, I can't click my heels together three times and instantly end up in the magical land of rehab and recovery.

As for my girlfriend, do you not think I've TRIED to get her the help she needs? The doctors and psychiatrists do not take her seriously. Their attitude is "Come back when you've killed yourself then we'll take you seriously". It seems to be the same idea you're pushing for me.
I'm sure it would be easier to get me into recovery if I was a pathetic wreck quivering on the floor but, frankly, I don't want to wait until then!

If it makes you uncomfortable or angry that I'm posting here without being clean then please stay away. I'm not going to give up on trying to find ways to get or stay clean just because it doesn't fit in with your personal paradigm.