comfyone

I'm so scared and sad. I can't sleep. I'm not suicidal. I'm not having an anxiety attack. But I've been slightly anxious for a few hours now. It's 5am. This is what happens to me. I get anxious and it gets worse until I can't cope and I cry. I don't mean to be unloading all my problems here. But I just want to talk about whats bothering me.

I feel like I don't have any shoulders to cry on. What makes it even worse is that I pushed most of my friends away. And others see me as some druggy and if I ever do talk to them its like they don't see me as the same person anymore. I understand why, but it hurts so much.

My best friend through childhood I stopped talking to months ago. I was really into alcohol, weed, pills, and selling the same stuff I used. In achievements, me and him are opposites. He's very successful, hardworking, and he's almost finished with college for pharmacy. He goes to school in another state, so it was easy to hide all the things I did from him when he would be back in town. And eventually I couldn't take the contrast between us and I cut off all contact with him. I don't even know why I thought it was a good idea. Now that I've been clean for 3 months, I keep telling myself I'll call him, explain myself, apologize, and ask for him to forgive me. But I haven't yet because I'm scared to I guess.

And most everyone else I betrayed by never calling them or paying attention to them because I was so caught up in drug friends and selling drugs all the time. Now that I've totally taken the bad activities from my life, I can see how alone I am. And how I was "friends" with others only through the bad things I did. So I'm making progress and I'm very happy about that, but I just miss everyone.

To make things even worse now. A good friend who I only met about 4 months ago, but really helped me get clean (and even got me a job where she worked). Has moved to new orleans. She also pretty much stopped talking to me two weeks ago. I think because she finally saw that I'm just a creep. And that's something I'm really scared of. That people will always see me like that. It feels like after all this time I've spent living badly, that I've been conditioned into someone who I didn't want to become. I remember before all my bad choices, I felt really really guilty about shoplifting something that was only $2 worth and put it back. And months ago, I walked into a place at night (not a house as I'd never hurt someone) and stole about $80. I stole from that place more than once too. Also shoplifted alot, cheated money from the register at a place I worked retail.

Now that I'm clean, I feel so rotten for all that. Like I'm not even worthy of sympathy or support. I'm lucky to still have my other best friend who never shut me out completely. But I never told her about me stealing, and she doesn't know how much drugs I actually sold. I'm afraid to ever talk to her about it because of how she will see me.

I'm so incredibly sorry for all these things, and I swear that it is behind me 100%. I've never been as serious about anything as I am about these new promises to myself. I really just want to be a decent person. I'm sorry for unloading all this. I'm not even sure if this kind of venting is appropriate here. I'm just scared to talk to people about this because of what they'll think of me. I've calmed down alot since I started writing this thread, I was going to post this in Anxiety but its more about my substance abuse I guess. Thanks for reading, it means a lot.

barb dwyer

You have a good many shoulders here.

Does it help at all to learn that there's probably not a person on a single ONE of these forums who hasn't felt the samething?

I helped me a lot to know that.

Your'e not alone any more.

ccgirl2

I agree with barb. I've stolen to feed my addiction, I've lost friends to it because I chose it over them, and I drove in my car with my children while I was high. We addicts all have made terrible choices and done awful things because of our addictions.

Only when you let go of the guilt and shame can you become the person you want to be. If you feel like a creep, people may very well perceive you that way too. Have you tried one on one counselling for your self esteem issues?

I also highly recommend a 12 step program, just so you can see and be with people like you. Then you'll know when you hear their stories that you are not alone.

Keep coming back. You're among friends.

2ala2

You will find answers and relief in a 12 step program. For me, it's the only way to deal with the guilt and shame. I no longer have to isolate. I need never be alone again.
Find a the closest meeting, google it, and go today.
Welcome home..

roadie58

You ARE worthy and you WILL make new friends. Be at peace today, enjoy the NOW.

Michael

comfyone

Thanks cc, barb, 2ala2, roadie for reading my loooong thread

Still haven't gotten to sleep yet tonight (well now its morning), but I'm feeling better. Reading old threads of hardships and success stories really helps me out. And your responses are even better.

This site really makes me see the value in joining a program, so I think I'll start going to one soon. I thought about it before, but for some reason I thought I should just do it on my own. I'll be seeing a counselor very soon too.

I didn't mean to be a pity party w/this thread. Getting the feelings out just really helps to "un"trigger me and calm down. So really, thanks

roadie58

'very soon'? How about TODAY? I'm sure that no matter where you are in Ohio that you could find an AA or NA meeting.

I used to go to all kinds of trouble and drive great distances to get junk or party, I can sure do that same amount of work to stay sober.

Pete The Addict

Go to a meeting TODAY. Dont wait for tomorrow. Like Roadie said there are probably tons of AA/NA in your area, just look around for one. And dont talk yourself out of going to AA if thats all that is available if you dont consider yourself an alcholic, im not really an alchoholic and i go to AA everyday, and it makes living clean sooooo much easier. Seriously every problem, resentment, and concern you just described is what working a 12 step program is all about. Letting go of your self, learning to be honest with yourself and friends, making ammends to those you have hurt, humility and feeling alone...All of these things will turn around if you walk into meetings with an open mind, remain dedicated, and work for that which you wish to achieve. Good luck, it can turn around if you give yourself the tools for it to happen.

Anna

Hi Comfyone,

I do understand your feelings of guilt and shame. I think those feelings play a huge part in addiction and can often prevent recovery.

Someone here suggested that I start journalling when I was having a really hard time dealing with guilt. I really didn't want to start because I didn't want to write down all my negative feelings. But, I eventually began and kept on writing for most of a year. It just all came out and it was a very freeing feeling.

Believe that you are worth taking care of!

shalommyfriend

hi comfyone. i completely understand 100% what you are going through because i myself was there about a year ago. My best friend since childhood and i stopped talking as well when i started really getting into coke. I just couldnt give her the time of day because she wasnt getting high with me. I actually did this to all of my friends that werent using with me. I have apologized to all of them, not only do i feel so much better about it, but our friendships are stronger than ever. and i know they will always be there for me because they have stuck with me through all of this and been one of the reasons i was able to stop using. i think you should try to call your friend, i know how hard it seems, but the longer you wait the harder it will be.

I also was feeling really guilty about some things i've done while i was high, and some people on this site helped me realize that i cant change anything now, we just need to move on and not beat ourselves up over it...we can only move forward from here.

hope things get better for you!