StarGazer6

About a week and a half ago my AExBF (we broke 4 months ago after 5 years) came over on crack late at night and I was feeling numb and stunned from it b/c he's back on it after 1 month of rehab, meetings, drug tests. He was doing so well I thought we might even have chance to get back together but now that the shock has worn off I'm finding myself feeling lonely again wanting to be back with him again, I miss how he used to be a half year ago before the crack. I know he's not the same person anymore, I saw for myself and it was heartbreaking b/c that stuff has taken so much of who he used to be.

I feel so lonely right now, my cat, who was my baby and best friend through my breakup, just died on Friday, she was 13 but she suffered shock and hyperventilated after I gave her a bath when I was taking her to be with me at my family's in Orange County for the weekend so she wouldn't be alone. I feel so scared. I just want to go back to the life I had with my ex before he started smoking crack, I don't know this deceitful, secretive person he's become. I miss doing Ecstasy and GHB and Vicodin with him though b/c we used to have fun.

I've had to grow up so much in the last year, I finally got a full-time job out of college and he and I drifted apart. I think he broke up with me b/c he knew how I felt about crack and that I wouldn't be with him if he did it. He's 100,000 in debt so it wouldn't have worked out anyway now but I just see so many people around settling down. I feel like it's so out of reach for me. I'm trying to move back to Orange County as soon as possible away from the memories of my old boyfriend.

It sucks that there are things I cannot change and are out of my control right now-- he's back on drugs and my kitty passed away. I just wish I could be high and careless again. I haven't done any drugs for almost 4 months but I miss my life with him--it did used to be really fun, before I started doing coke, I had a lot of great memories with him. I feel like I just want to be high on a cloud of Ecstacy with him again but he's so different now, so hard to get close to and gets addicted to everything he touches. I get angry about it and feel abandoned. Sometimes I miss the drama, weird. It's just too quiet right now, even though now I choose when I cry and don't have to worry about getting let down by another one of his unkept promises.

Shaw

I just got dumped after a 2 year relationship by my X... Because of my alcohol problem and she never knew I used coke or X or took pills... She only knew I was an alcoholic and smoked pot occasionally... It has been a real eye opener for me... He has to learn on his own no matter how badly you feel like you can get through to him... The only lesson I learned from excessive drug use & alcohol all the time was that I wasn't going to quit until I decided to... I can't count the number of times family members and friends and girlfriends begged me to at least cut back... I think it just fed the fire... I told myself "I don't have a problem, they need to get off my ass" & popped open another 5th...

StarGazer6

I know it's not going to do any good to keep reliving old memories in my head but I just remember a time, for years, when I was truly happy with him and the life we shared. It's so hard to let go of, even when I know how different he is now. I wish he didn't care so much about getting high everyday. I guess that's why I've always seen myself a little differently b/c I never did drugs everyday and have stopped without rehab so it's easy for me to see myself having fun with them again, I will Never do coke again though b/c it made me so uncomfortable and scared of my own shadow.

I know I shouldn't do drugs and that they're unpredictable sometimes and dangerous, I just get angry that he had to get so addicted and that the fun had to stop and that now whenever I would talk to him since he started rehab I have to be a good influence and sound like I have no desire to do drugs b/c I don't want him to want to do them, but it's a lie b/c I fantasize about doing E with him if I could change the way that things have become.

Why did he have to start smoking crack, why did he have to take 15 vicodin a day? It sucks, I feel like it's taken the fun out of it for me b/c I've seen how destroyed he's become from going the extra mile. I know it's for the better, I was playing with fire for a while and maybe this is God's way of saving me before it's too late.

StarGazer6

Anvilhead, you're totally right, cocaine made me feel out of control. Even when my throat would be having involuntary spasms I would insist that I was okay and would do another line, then I'd have to take a sleeping pill just to go to sleep. I can't believe I did that looking back..I could have easily had a heart attack. It scares me that he's gotten into crack b/c from what I've read, it's even more dangerous b/c you can't tell how much you're doing since it's smoked.

I don't want to give up on him but I feel like getting him into rehab was the best thing I could do for him and now that he went back to all that crap again, I don't think I should call him again, or should I? He's so snappy now and tired and depressed and scared. How did you stop smoking it anvilhead?

StarGazer6

Question- is it a normal or common progression for people who smoke crack to start doing methamphetamine? Even if the person swears they would never do meth b/c they've seen how it destroys your body and looks? I'm scared that my ex is going to get into meth b/c it lasts longer and it's cheaper. Who knows, he may already be doing it.

Also, is it possible for someone to stay up for 3 or 4 days on crack or is that only possible with meth? Any feedback would be appreciated.

StarGazer6

Sorry-- Wrong spot for last post, ignore it.