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|01-27-2012, 06:12 AM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Coventry, RI
Are you Big Book Steps?
I remember coming to AA and trying to "fit in"...I had all kinds of questions, "What should I do now that I'm here?" I was told to just sit back and relax, smoke my cigarettes and drink my coffee. So that's what I did. For years.
I probably needed some of that early time anyway, to see that my way still wasn't working...insane relationships that ended tragically, going to sober dances and dealing with girl cliques...being manipulated for other people's comfort and security, deleting people's phone numbers out of my cell as I sat in meetings...I was in the Jr High girls room or a barroom without the booze...I was a shell of a person just trying my best.
My survival skills began to fail me...I was a dry drunk staying sober on fear and self-will...what was wrong with me? It's true...I didn't drink every day like many in the rooms...maybe I wasn't an alcoholic after all, maybe I was just crazy. I watched other people seemingly overcome but not so with me...I was the sick one.
I was on my way to another open Discussion meeting but really was there anything left to discuss, anything left to arrange? Could I change the subject anymore or laugh it off? I was dying of untreated alcoholism - sober.
I began to seek and seek...that winter I parked my car in one spot, I trudged all over the city to every meeting I could find, and there wasn't anyone I wanted to ask to sponsor me. But I was willing so God gave me what I needed. This one woman in my homegroup, I noticed she was really changing. The things she said were not typical, this was something different she was saying here...I asked her what she was doing and she told me about the Big Book Step Study meeting. 45 minutes later I was at one. I sat there stunned...here were people I could really identify with...their honesty and understanding of the directions for the 12 steps was like nothing I'd ever heard in AA.
I realized I had to humble myself and unlearn everything I was taught...I was full of misinformation and opinions...this Big Book Step Study thing, I had to have it, and I went right through the work.
Big Book Steps were the last house on the block for me, i was out of options...and today I realize it was really the first house, it just took so many of us so long to realize that...the solution was right in front of me the whole time, I just couldnt' see it.
It's been 5 years since I went to a psychiatric hospital...I no longer beg doctors to fix me, I don't have to Google out my symptoms to find the answers, I no longer lean on people for a solution...I'm a spiritual being with a spiritual malady and a spiritual solution...this is a spiritual walk between me and God as we help the new woman find her way out.
With each passing month I have more of the courage to be myself...I carry the message to other alcoholics...I have a purpose in my life, a reason for living.
I am Big Book Steps. I know what it's like to be suffering with horrific guilt and shame..I know what it is to seek the approval of people who hate me...I know what it's like to wish for the end. I also know the feeling of finding great hope in the book called Alcoholics Anonymous and start seeing clearly for the first time. I know what it's like to turn around all the lies I told myself since I was 8, and see the truth, slowly, day by day, until I'm awakened. I know what it's like to see the light come into other women's eyes as we work together - them, me, God and the Book.
It's really an experience that must not be missed.
|01-30-2012, 05:22 PM||#5 (permalink)|
Woman in AA
Join Date: Jan 2012
Blog Entries: 49
Thank you for sharing, i am new to the program myself and i find the steps totally confusing. I don't have a sponsor yet but I am still getting my feet wet so to speak so i hope after a few more meetings I find someone that I really like.
"Sit back, relax, and look at the world from your multi-colored glass."
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