CelticZebra

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a new therapist.

This will be my first session since becoming sober over 3 years ago.
I have been on the waiting list (UK) for 5 months now to get this and it has startled me that they just called to say could I go tomorrow.

Feeling really apprehensive now after having filled in all the questionnaires as I am second guessing already what will she think when she looks at my scores?

The scores don't look too bad on paper (compared to my past scores) but I do feel my home situation has the most impact on my mental health as when I don't have to deal with stress of being step-mother/housewife in my blended family I am much calmer.

Problem being I think I kind of feel the way I do because of how my life changed so dramatically from the age of 10 within my family of origin and I think I've suffered depression since Becoming a teenager.... My head is so messed up and I know I messed it up more by choosing to make it harder on me but I feel so stuck in this ever decreasing spiral of self-loathing and hatred for my adult self unable to soothe my inner child or the child in my care whose life was more traumatic than mine before that age!

Stuck in this spiral with no support and just my spirit and inner resilience and strength along with my stubbornness to give up.

Time to get real.

Being tough doesn't work with me, I am cringing inside about saving myself but I don't want to be rescued, it's so hard to climb out of the mess.

Enough ramble, got ta go school run, update later.

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

feeling-good

Hi - I just want to say, don't hold back on what you have to say to the therapist - I will be 4 years sober (odaat) in January and I see a pyschologist every couple of weeks and have been doing so for the last couple of years - I no longer suffer from the crushing depression that ended up with me being in-patient three times, but I still 'suffer' from stuff that goes on in my head that warrants these appointments, and for which I am incredibly grateful. It takes me a while to open up at every appointment, but it definitely helps me. I wish you the very best!

AdelineRose

Hey!

I know starting with a new counselor can be scary and cause you to second guess what the counselor's notions are before they even meet you. I definitely understand that one- I went through a handful of counselors until I found one that I "clicked" with.

I found it helpful to go into the first appointment with some notes/points to hit on during the appointment. I gave a medication sheet and next to each medicine the dosage, how long I was on the medication, and what symptoms led your doctor to prescribe the medication so right off the bat your new counselor can see on paper what medications you are on and why you are on them. I also wrote a list of questions or topic that you want to start moving toward answering.

It has also really helped me to keep a detailed journal for myself and to set some short term goals and to set a reasonable larger goal . Keeping a journal showed me what had happened that day and if it was a bad day I would back and see what caused the mood which will help you pinpoint certain things to talk to with your counselor and to see how what the results of your journal are saying about the overall picture.

I kept trying counselor after counselor as well as searching for a doctor that I felt knew what he is doing, listens to me instead of blowing me off, and one that I trust his decisions. You do not have to stick with the first doctor or counselor you find, some click with some people and others don't.

I am not sure if they have a practice where the doctor, psychologist, and psychiatrist are all in the practice and there for each one reads what the others have written and therefore they have a complete overall picture of how you are doing. Even though I live in NC I am staying with my mom in NJ for now to help her while she does chemo- I so strongly believe that this doctor's practice Where a counselor, psychiatrist and doctor are all connected as saved me from myself is so important in my recovery to fly back to NC and then the next day fly back to NJ. I am saying this to show that if you do not feel comfortable, taken seriously,respected - as well as knowing your team of doctors is educated and able to diagnose and treat what you need psychology and physically. It might help to make a sheet for yourself that lists all the things that are important to you to see if the counselor is a good for and then marking which will show how much one counselor fills your needs and how another one does.

I am sorry this is so long, but I hope you find a counselor that you feel comfortable and connected to. I see many people just stick with the first counselor they get but I hope you that is not the case with you. you DESERVE to have a counselor that you feel comfortable with, one that respects you, and one that you trust his or her decisions- one you feel can truly help you.

I understand what you are going through, don't hesitate to PM me if you want to talk about this or to chat with someone that gets it.

Good luck! take a deep breathe and go in with an open mind if at all possible. This person is sitting there WANTING to help you- you just have to be open about the good and bad, the symptoms and your worries, etc. etc.

ScottFromWI

I am relatively new to therapy myself and have switched therapists as well.

Anxiety is my issue and of course I was anxious about the prospect of therapy itself. My advice would be to not second guess ( or even first guess !) what might happen when you get there. Just get there and talk - the goal of therapy is to help you, not judge you - so just be as honest and open as you can.

AdelineRose has some fantastic advice about writing things down to share. I actually printed out a post I wrote here once and took it with me and let my counselor read it. Pretty powerful stuff.

Dee74

wishing you the best CZ

D

CelticZebra

Thanks for your responses guys.

This will be a different course of therapy for me, one I haven't tried for a long time.
Although the docs and stuff don't really communicate the mental health team in this part of the country is very good and I have have had help from them periodically over the past 20+ years.
Things have changed in how the system works but I believe it's much better here than in other parts of the country.
Since I stopped drinking I have managed to rekindle a love for psychology and due to my past choices/mistakes/lifestyle I have been trying to second guess myself as the GP's really haven't got a clue.
I twist myself round n circles and forget stuff but they have changed the system so much you get only a certain amount of sessions to help with a particular problem and that's it.
I sometimes feel I know more than the counsellor and therein lies my problem...
All the inside gibberish that doesn't come out and just goes round in my head feeding in on itself, chattering away in those ever decreasing spirals, couldn't tell someone, I struggle to find the words and Sen to have drowned my inner child with worries.
Somedays I write so much in my journal my arm aches and yet there's still more.
I am trying to get a grip on my journey and what has brought me to this place and I think it's back in childhood (no surprise there then!)
It doesn't sound like I'm looking forward to it but I am really, hoping to find a way to unravel this mess of a mind I have created and get my emotional landscape to become less of a bumpy journey and realign with my former optimistic self.


Thanks for your support and helpful comments which I am grateful for as I really have nobody to talk to about all the 'me' stuff, hence the need for therapy.

I'll be back later to update after the session.

I can do this and keep doing this on my journey to peace

UISectionListHeaderBackgroundOpaque

CelticZebra

Draining and slightly odd session, I was kept waiting for an extra 10 mins due to an emergency so says the counsellor who, as many people on a Friday morning, was irked by this intrusion into her job, although it's part of her job!

So we're in a room in part of the old hospital building in my hometown and she plugs my details in her computer, commends my knowledge of the system in having the correct form and filled in the correct bits, briefly touches on confidentiality issues and we're off chatting so I spout off a few feelings and she asks me to give her an overview of my life which I do, getting stuck in places, hanging on to things, bouncing back and forward in time as I recall different things. I mention how this is the first therapy I've had since stopping drinking 3 years ago and she looks surprised, asked me what I am hoping to achieve and I stay about how I need to relax, how things can get very stressful at times, I tell her about my husband and how our previous relationship ( before either of us had kids) was messed up because of our both drinking so much and ended (as with most of my relationships) in domestic violence. now he doesn't drink (4 years+) and has developed PTSD which is very much trigger erred by difficulties with living a 'normal' family life, she's trying to get me to stay on track and I'm seeing the patterns immediately as I discuss my important relationships with men and clearly see I have followed the pattern my parents showed me about how to drink to deal with stress blah blah blah and then her mobile goes off and she says I might need to take this and answers, leaves the room and has a loud conversation with a colleague in the echoey corridor, returns within a few minutes and says she's sorry we were interrupted but she needed to take the call as someone was "threatening to take their own life"
I kind of gathered that and I hadn't really liked the images in my mind at her words and so we plough on, her rushing me to the present day, so as to finish her boxed A4 page with segments of my life in a bid to get a rough map of me.

She rushes me even more now as the hour is almost up (45 mins really) and as I am leaving I mention how I have an interest in psychology and intend to restart my degree studies in February. She says how she'd be willing to help me in anyway and says how she feels that it's a good thing that many people who have suffered personally learn to help others through similar difficulties, as she herself has done.

I don't remember feeling so odd about seeing a new therapist for such a long time that I am sure the assossiciations in my mind from my past in the area where I had to meet the therapist are clouding my experience. I have had A LOT of negative experiences during my time abusing substances in my hometown and many family-assossiciations which I have often melancholy nostalgia over too.

We have arranged the next session for two weeks in a more local-to-me-now GP surgery which I think will prove to be much easier/better for both of us.
Also less tense about the whole build up and the kind of anti-climax because of course there is no instant high or gratification but I can now feel relief that I made it through and am not making myself feel worse by self medicating.

Really worn out tonight, I've not been sleeping much before 2am all week with all the stuff going on and now my shoulders are aching (definitely a symptom of me pushing myself too hard) and my knee is playing up with all the gear changing I've been doing with driving about the last few days.
My husband is an his holiday now until Halloween, as are the children so I will hopefully get a chance to relax once we are resettled in our caravan on Monday evening.

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

feeling-good

CelticZebra - it sounds like it went relatively well. I hope that future sessions continue to go well and you have a nice holiday. Don't be afraid of saying to the therapist yours feelings as a result of interruptions like the one that happened - it is important that she knows the impact on you (as well as on her as a professional).

CelticZebra

A few things have come to mind since my first session with KFC (my pseudonym for my new therapist- nothing to do with fried food BTW,)
In no particular order ( at least consciously)
I had a friend request from my ex - it bothers me that I call him that because technically it's untrue and his name, although very common, still has unanswered questions and I seek closure which I don't feel I can obtain from the source of a lot of the pain in our relationship which finally ended (or so I thought - seems he wants to drag me to places I don't want to visit!) over 8 years ago. I'm married, he's married and I would be very unhappy to learn if my husband behaved in this manner - this same ex has sent me messages once a year for the last few years and I want to take the step of blocking him from contacting me at all but there is still a beastly fantasy at play within my mind about how it will all turn out happily in the end. It is madness in some way, I originally met him through an Internet dating site and we had a great relationship for a couple of years, long distance, fresh and mutually beneficial, I was a single mother and as seems to be the case with the majority of my romantic relationships, when commitment and cracks start to appear and my emotional needs aren't being met I fell into my deepest depression since my early 20's and regularly abused alcohol and other drugs without realising that was what I was doing.
That sounds crazy to write/read that last statement but it has taken 3 years of sobriety to begin to understand what really happened in periods of my life where I have the same repetitive patterns of co-dependant issues within relationships which have been the longest, also most damaging mentally, with addicts/ex-addicts who I have been unable to fix because all along I have needed to learn how to fix myself first so I can grow and then truly help others who are worthy of my care and attention (e.g. My husband who stopped drinking over 4 years ago and is recovering from his own past and the traumas inflicted upon him from others - which have included me - and whom I do admire because he has always had a fighting spirit and he seems to have also found a different way to approach the trials of life with less problematic effect)

Next thing and biggest on-going problem is my situation at home which I'll go into further detail about elsewhere or here at some other time.

3rd is the sleep pattern I had on holiday was horrendous and not very restful to say the least!
The first good night of natural sleep I've had for weeks now was last night.
I've suffered with insomnia for many years.

Be back later

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

CelticZebra

I did come back and it's wiped what I typed last night.
Feeling not great this morning after falling asleep with my dogs downstairs shortly after my vanished post.
Feeling very tired and uncomfortable but thankful I can enjoy the sunrise from my position....
How annoying that my stuff vanished like that, less apprehensive this morning and still better than the dentist!
More later

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

CelticZebra

I have an hour before my appointment and have filled my form in this morning.
This form consists of the same 3 questionnaires - PHQ-9, GAD-7, IAPT Phobia Scales and Work and Social Adjustment.
I had CBT sessions around 6 years back and was presented with a graph of my scores at the end of the 15 sessions which clearly illustrated where my moods had changed throughout the course and I learnt how to tackle the GAD I was diagnosed with at that time.
I also had a graph of my scores from my CAT therapy sessions which ended about a year before I became alcohol-free. This looked different and my therapist was a true friend during the time I was engaged with her, I felt safe in her office and opened up in a way I had longed to do but not found that nurturing relationship before then. I was very honest with her and she helped by allowing me to get things in perspective and analyse myself with the use of mind maps and I became creative again as it was so much easier to visualise and share my feelings in this way.
I still find it hard to come to terms with the last year of my drinking, it was the last year of my maternal grandmothers life and I moved my entire blended family back to the other end of the county, just a few miles from our hometown, so I could offer physical and emotional support to both my grandparents during a difficult period of time after my Nan had been diagnosed with cancer and chose the option of having no treatment.
My mother felt that her own mother was being selfish and yet I could understand my NaNs thoughts and respect her choice from a different POV. I went to hospital appointments with both my grandparents to see the specialist several times - when Nan was hospitalised on several different occasions I would drive Grandad the 20 mile round trip to see her, daily when the children at school.
More later....
Phone ringing

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

CelticZebra

I had written loads after my last appointment but it disappeared, still, it was cathartic just to type it and get some raw emotions out of my system.
I'm hoping this isn't going to be too much to cope with on top of everything else.
One of the things she asked was did I think my husband was still suffering with PTSD?
Bit of an odd one which I have mentioned to hubby & a friend of mine.
It has me slightly puzzled and now my thoughts have returned to how much abuse can I take weather it's attributed to 'dry drunk' thinking, PTSD or just a general 'set in his ways' it seems it's always me that has to work so hard on all this stuff and he gets and easy ride even though it's his kids and I seriously find myself missing my life when I had space and time to myself.

Haven't slept properly in over 3 weeks, carving out time for myself into the wee hours so when I do go to bed I can sleep as I've had some 'me time' or doggie time or just get to chill without somehow feeling responsible for him and how I feel in relation to him after everything he's put me through why do I still have to live a lif of half measures and solitary salt-induced confinement as I can't have what I used to have, everything has changed and it will continue to change.
Sit with it.
Accept and sit with it.
It sits heavy at this time, insomnia is dragging me down along with the cold and misty weather.

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

Erratic

celtic just been reading ur posts and u explain or recognise and is like i was told when u show an understanding or maturity is things do become harder. meaning self aware , sry i have more problem than u in writing and it depends on how stressed and everything is.

anyway, i do understand what ur saying and i have also family. x

CelticZebra

I've just enrolled on the next stage of my journey to gaining a degree in psychology. I start studying again at the end of January and my therapist is very supportive of the idea as my home life is so chaotic and emotionally draining yet as I am the only carer/support my husband has and when his PTSD is triggered his emotions also affect me and his daughter, also affecting the other children. This hugely complex situation is made more complex by added stress and a surprise/shock message from the past that has sent us into a tailspin, I have managed to straighten out my nose-dive by knowing I had an appointment with KFC so I could discuss openly my feelings and then of course a day later I'm thinking of all the things that make it so hard for me that have affected me from the past and I forget to say it or don't write it down and then it's gone to be replaced with the current stress and my anxiety is getting out f control again as my husband has been off work all week and very down after the revelation.
I'm so glad I don't drink, i would never have handled the situation in the way I have learnt to and although the eggshells are still there for breaking I am finding ways to side-step them and take refuge for myself by relaxing in another room and listening to music from the local radio where the dj is still in the studio, rather than leaving the computer to play the music overnight, he has decided to stay put because of the weather and is playing some very interesting music to boot!

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

CelticZebra

Other than the week I couldn't attend because of our family holiday I have been seeing KFC every week as she feels my problems are complex and I need the support.
My 3rd session was much more relaxed as it was held in my local surgery which is familiar and although waiting times for doctors and nurse appointments are always running late I only had to wait a few minutes after she arrived in the building and she got me a coffee too!
We had a much nicer chat and I was comfortable sitting in the sunlight chatting and opening up about my feelings.
She is good at asking leading questions and I have found myself warming to her.
I am quite angry at my parent(s) behaviour of late and need to draw tighter boundaries around contact, especially my mother who is phoning me frantically when I haven't answered the phone and then just has no thought to how I am feeling with the lack of sleep (improvements are being made here with the help of a sleep plan and an attempt to tidy up and 'nest' at home) it seems like I'm ranting about my mother 'caring' when in reality she wants to tell me about all the problems she is having with her teeth and to bully me into talking about what my family want for Christmas!!
She steamrolls over my feelings and I no longer have the relationship I had with her at one time in my life (2 years after I had breakdown). I hate the way I feel about it, guilty, ashamed that I didn't realise how awful my teen years really were and how NONE of my birth family think there was anything 'that bad' that happened.
I think if it's affected me to the point that I recall traumatising event from my teens with such clarity and it is glossed over I know I am right but it hurts so much when all the lies and cover-ups keep the cycle of dysfunction, alcoholism smoothly running because it's so damned hard to face the truth honesty, without excuse. Never have they apologised, don't want to face it and I have to and try to help my husband and his daughter(s) face their dysfunctional foo and know that it's hard, possible.
Hope and love, healing, patience (too little here) compassion, understanding, empathy and peace are what all our children (and inner children) need.

To thine own self be true.
My truth will be told.
I am a survivor and a fighter.

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

CelticZebra

So much to talk about this week with KFC, I've got an appointment to see the doctor after to discuss the lack of sleep/stress cycle I seem to be stuck in at the moment and the impending stress of holidays looming with 3 kids, an overbearing mother, my father turning 70, my baby niece's 1st Xmas, my daughter being at her dads and me stuck with my PTSD hubby and his 2 children who are already freaked out enough(or is that me)
I'm not keeping my plates spinning very well, things seem to go wobbly in unexpected places and I worry so much that it will wobble to the point of breaking.
It's very demanding living the lif I have and I'm trying to find ways to relax and not allow the stress dictate what occurs but omg isn't it hard.
And all I can do is be Poitier, be aware, sit and gently watch as things with spin ok or come crashing to the ground regardless of if I can save it or. Not.
I guess some plates spin their own way.
I've been thinking about leaving next year.
Trying to put aside some money for an escape plan should I feel the need if things get worse.
The past is haunting them and it's ruining my present with them and unless hey learn to heal I need to heal without the stress, I'm so misunderstood and desperate to be shown love and warmth and I feel so alone.
Can't imagine what my questionnaire results will look like when I fill em in tomorrow night (before the appointment the morning after), not suicidal but wishing their was a way to get a break, stop the worry-go-round, long enough. Relax.

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

CelticZebra

My experiences when I was a teenage rhhave left me completely unprepared to parent teenagers, I still feel the same I did when I was then, scared and lost and alone. No one to turn to, even my husband has no ability to change so stuck he seems in getting down about things he can't control and as quite upsetting again this morning, leaving me to wonder why are the children batter behaved?.
I could do without the stress again after Sndays episode with BM, SD & mother as well as continued low/quiet behaviour from my own teen.
Can't even get mundane boring things done promptly a he creates this atmosphere like a bear with a so head that should take a look at where it's headed to avoid walking into the tree!!
My fantasy life is sort of keeping me going but worried about thoughts I've been having although my mind-map that shows how I can avoid negative actions is working very well!

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

CelticZebra

Yesterday was pretty good, had my session and then saw doc. He prescribed propranalol to help with the physical symptoms I have been getting lately when I have had panic attacks.
This tends to happen when I'm in the supermarket or other crowded place where I don't want to be, with my family, I have had to leave to go outside to get some fresh air and still my thoughts, do some mindfulness breathing exercises and attempt to calm do.
Sadly as my hubby has PTSD his mood can be very unstable with seemingly no warning to his mood erupting into aggressive verbal behaviour and detaching himself from the situation.
This normally only happens at home when things eventually overwhelm him too much he will leave the house to go and calm down, often after feeding the emotional problems that have arisen with his eldest daughter and so the cycle continues!
I am making a plan in my head to leave but I can never see a right time nf mentally I am very unprepared for what may happen .
My stress levels are very high at the moment with the festive season looming and the terror in conjures in my mind and that of my husband's experience too.
I cannot abandon his children, he cannot cope with them currently and I believe his parenting skills are taking a backseat to his emotional overload.
Meanwhile, I have to cope oth everything, fearing a breakdown and only me and my therapist to help.
Arrrrgh
Had 2 good nights of sleep and am coming to terms with having to change things and stick to my sleep-routine.
Last night, I tidied the bedroom and put my pyjamas on then relaxed by reading a book which I subsequently took to bed with me.
Today, for the first time in several months I have cleaned my teeth, they are disgusting and decaying yet less rapidly than I had hoped, I would like them gone and replaced, they are so unsightly, I never smile with my teeth often.
I've also shaved my face, my 'beard' moustache and other unsightly black hairy areas of my face were removed carefully and if I used makeup I can look quite attractive.
I don't feel it.
I'm overweight and depressed, stressed and unmotivated.
Pity party it's not, just spiralling thoughts of how things will never get better.

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

CelticZebra

My therapy will be coming to an end with KFC as she retires in a few weeks.
So much stuff has happened over the past two months and she has been my only true support in helping to keep me strong through these difficult times.
The stress over the xmas period was too much and my husband's aggressive mood swings reached a peak on xmas eve morning and I decided he had to go to save our sanity and family from implosion.
Two months later, he finally has his own place, his kids are harder than ever to cope with, I am trying to study but with so much stress looming and sitting underneath everything, the state of the house, emotions all over the place and no let up on how abandoned and let down I feel.
I had an altercation with my father over the phone and the awful things he said to me pushed me to my limit, braking point.... I decided to go no contact and haven't seen or spoke to him since.
It's strange how in control I feel yet so helpless too!
I feel at the mercy of my emotions.
Flashbacks of memory, times long past, echoes of my misspent youth when I thought I was happy.
My daughter is also emotionally traumatised by her life as a teen and the stress of home life and her own dad lacking in the understanding department.
These thoughts and awful feelings of dread have been trying to consume me.
I have informed the doc about my problem with using cannabis as a coping tool and because he specialist in addictions he has referred me to the local drug/alcohol facility but still no response (3 weeks on)
My therapist is aware and wonders aloud why it may be the case as she wants me to get therapy from them as a transition from her.
The way the system is not working and all the recent changes made in government and more locally seem to make life much harder for the end user (patient-me)
I am completely at limit for pharmaceutical help, taking a combination of meds to help my anxieties.
Drinking decaf coffee seems to have a great effect on my sleep and things at home have been strangely ok but still tense with hubby still 'in transit' with regard to moving.
According to. Things he told me he had intended to move 2 weeks ago into one furnished room at a good rental price.
He still hasn't spent a night at his new place he got the keys for 2 days ago.
He has spent 2 weeks money on a unfurnished, more expensive flat leaving us stuck in this struggling place of no income while he sorts himself out and so I am buying groceries on my credit card again.
I hate myself so much for all my ****** up thinking and co-dependency and addictive nature that has stolen my dreams and my life to be replaced by this person who what?
I am working on my self-esteem but right now the fear of the future and what he may do (or not do). How the children will react to their own feelings and how will I cope and not just cave in to the despair, the loneliness, the depressive state I find some strange solace in because I'm used to it....
My mind is so messed up. I'm know I'm not helping.
The roller coaster feels like it's gaining momentum ready for a big stomach churning drop.
What a state of anxiety to be in, more pills and decaf I think to ease the worried mind enough to allow study and later, an interview for a small role at local youth centre. I am trying.
Just seems it's never good enough for me
my beast? Echoes of childhood? Depression? PTSD? Low self-esteem, lack of sleep, lack of affection, stress arrrrrgh.....
Chill and calm please

CelticZebra

The past two weeks have been mostly less stressful with regard to how the husband is here for 3 hours a day (no work related mess stress- that's at his flat) and he spent the weekend building beds for his children! The difficulties his eldest (my 13 yr old SD) has have not stopped and I sought some support and was advised she may have issues with autism so the past 4 days I have been trying to cope with her meltdowns, my husbands reaction, keep a diary of her behaviour ( what happens before and after too) continue to study,
,
Ahha good news there, 1st assignment no problem, within deadline and loving the course.

Saga continues by bitch in season while dog whines and pees all over the place, my daughter (almost 15) struggling socially and Bf issues at school (normal teen stuff mostly)- the smallest person in the house seems happiest, things are calmer, she is better behaved (more now) and has relaxed into the new routine without problematic behaviours and likes her new bed (exciting and comfortable) oh and that's without mentioning finances which are getting to be less than non-existent yet knowing as long as I continue to budget then that will work out ok.

More good news in the form of having booked a holiday for me & 3 girls to go with my single mother of 4 friend and her kids which is coming up next month, hope the weather improves, my car was covered in snow, frost, hail then rain rinsed it all away and blow dryer in high winds plus the heater broke a while back, the horns packed up and it's needs a visit to the garage which I obviously can't afford!

My beast appeared yesterday... I will share more on AVRT forum.
Exhausted yet getting more comfortable with life although stress is still very high and relaxation seems a long way off with the mess and the weather conspiring against me but I will get through and not keep using dysfunctional ways of thinking to power my behaviour.

Only 3 more sessions with KFC before she retires, all at different locations (within my local area) but still no word of further therapy in the offing.

I must phone to see doc tomorrow to discuss meds and future treatment