Cleansing

I'm on the second step again. I was a Buddhist in the past, and now go to church regularly, but I feel both faiths require too much, when I don't even care for their beliefs. But the suggestion is to adopt someone else's beliefs until I come to my own, right?

I've been through three sponsor's with my trust issues and defiance, then later found out I have other issues.

So I just got a new sponsor and trying to keep an open-mind. Debating gets me nowhere. Two of them were under the impression that I was an atheist, but I don'feel like I'm an atheist. I was just close-minded and wasn't open to anything that seemed religious at the time. Maybe I am an atheist, I don't know. This current sponsor said atheist struggle with recovery. I should have ask him more questions about that, but I it's a touchy topic for me, so I just let it go for the moment.

Do I have something twisted? I rarely pray and I have my beliefs and fears which keep me up at night, but I stay clean regardless.

awuh1

It sounds like your beliefs are changing somewhat but that you like the idea of shaping those beliefs yourself. I can relate to that, and I think that's a good thing. As a matter of fact I believe that everyone has a slightly different idea of what a "higher power" is. I admire your honest attempt to be open minded about the whole subject. That can be a difficult task. At least it was for me.

What I found useful was to investigate the worlds religions for myself and see what resonated for me personally. I found bits and pieces from nearly every spiritual tradition had some benefit. Investigate and adopt what you feel is true. Having an open mind while you do this can make the task truly inspiring.

I don't believe there are any wrong answers.

Cleansing

Thanks for reply. Maybe I am on right track. I had to look up words like "atheist", "agnostic", "spiritual", and "religious" and it help me reflect on things. I had no problem writing on the first few questions in step working guide, but I know of a few second step meetings coming up i'd like to attend this week before I write the rest of the questions.


Not sure if I'm over-reacting, but just feeling I can't stay in Narcotics Anonymous for too long.

I feel no emotional involvement in meeting attendance or step work lately. But I'm grateful I'm clean and that certain behavior just doesn't happen anymore. But writing and living these principles has not created more enthusiasm for my recovery. I just feel better and behave better. But I still feel disconnected from people. I feel so much hatred and darkness sometimes, it's like this program isn't meant for me. My thoughts are morbid.

I've been clean before, and I didn't do so well. I was doing service, had a sponsor, and did step work first three steps, but there is a possibility I was manic/psychotic most of the time during those 3 years clean. Life was busier and I had more to do, back then, but I was miserable and so uncomfortable in my skin.

It's not like that anymore, but part of me wishes I was living like that. The idea that ignorance is bliss come to my mind often. But it was dangerous for me. I hurt myself and others constantly during that time. Eventually I was so resentful and full rage and anxiety I gave up.

I don't know if it's these few steps i'm struggling with, or just knowing I owe so many amends, and not willing to properly forgive. I can't remove myself from people I harmed.

awuh1

Difficulty trusting others can make it difficult to connect and feel like you are moving forward. Trust is something that often takes time. It's often a good idea to connect with people slowly and to extend your trust gradually. This might also be necessary to do with your sponsor. In any case, I think it's best to try to connect in small ways with others as best you can. If that darker side of your nature again starts to present you with hate and resentments I would consider getting a consultation with a mental health professional. Sometimes these things are a sign of depression and there is a lot of help out there for that. All the best to you.

AucklandAddict

Dual diagnosis in recovery are more common than not it's just many addicts deal with the mental health stuff as they work the program it just resolves. I met a women tonight who said her PTSD just went away. Mine stayed but professional help got me through it. I'm ok in my own skin today - but it took me till nearly age 50 to crack it.

I did everything suggested and fell over due to other stuff. The God stuff drives me nuts its wierd and cultish - dogmatic. I'm an evolutionary biologist you can't be jamming that nonsense in my face without getting a lecture... But there is a branch of scientists way smarter than me - Theoretical Physicists. Most of them are deeply spiritual. And I really got to asking myself - why?

So now I'm learning theoretical physics as a hobby. I have no problem seeking God, I'll not waste my time in churches.

Darwinia

I think atheists have as good a chance of getting sober than anyone else. No matter what it is called. There is no higher power. You have to get yourself sober. And if you really want to you will.

Cleansing

I was able to make two 2nd step meeting this past two weeks. They helped. Been using the phone a lot because I may be in a crisis. Feel very depressed and all my thoughts are dark and morbid.

I got nothing out of church today, except that I have no experience with a 3rd or 11th step. The main problem are my health issues, I'm not okay physically. And all these doctor appointments create fear. And I'm not sure how to ask for help, like praying in solitude to Jesus just doesn't do anything for me. And I don't like some of these Christian based prayers.

Being clean doesn't feel good as I see myself being hospitalized and don't want to be. I don't know if these thoughts have validity or not.

Too anxious to travel to different meetings, but the meting I'm making are dull, only one hour, and just not connecting with people. I need some special interests meetings and something more culturally diverse. Maybe I'm complacent an unwilling.

The thing about the second step is that I'm not using or harming myself or anybody YET. But I see, myself threatening someone or getting into a fight soon. I don't know how to keep my clean time with those behaviors.

I maybe isolating because I don't use internet or tv much, but i'm engulfed in all the negativity going on in world and find myself chatting on forums and sex sites. The news is disturbing, and I'm not making enough meetings based on where I'm at. I literally gave up on connecting with family. I'm supposed to be or service and lend an opening ear to get outside of my self, but I don't feel capable. Just a lot of noise.

Cleansing

The problem with church is that it feels wrong right now. I may have been people-pleasing and lied and said I was into church, have my support group are Christians.

I am actually a Buddhist who was told to step away from the center twice, once because of defects, the other time because i was active and harmed a lot of people. Now clean, I'm still not willing to forgive or apologize (not on that step), and it was almost like you reject me, I'm going elsewhere.

Long story short, I'm struggling with feelings, and just moving very slow and sadly. The paranoia and loneliness are high right now. And I'm not ready to pray an meditate.

Treerat66

I'm an atheist.
Right now your primary concern is getting clean and staying clean. Searching for a religion is a distraction.

Focus on you. Care for you. Go and see a Dr. be honest with them about where you have been, where you are and where you want to get to.

Best wishes and good luck.

Cleansing

Taking a break from the fellowship and enjoying my recovery. I'm not going backwards for no delusional, ignorant dope fiend or crackhead. Been arrested at meetings, been jumped, been threatened.

I end up looking like the bad one when people cross my boundaries first. I'm very up front about what I'm about. They like to get hurt from my understanding.

Going to church, and never looking back on what saved me from hell. I have some experience, strength and hope too. Thank you Sr for dealing with my confusion. I no longer refusing to let God in.

Timebuster

Just for Today: I seek freedom from ego and the conflicts generated by self-will. I will try to improve my conscious contact with the God of my understanding, seeking the guidance and power I need to live in harmony with my world.

Good luck Cleansing

TB

Cleansing

I'm almost embarrassed about how complicated I made things out to be. Suggestions given to me are to make different meetings, reach out, share, pray, and cut down on caffeine. I'm being told I have the working knowledge of the first three steps, but not much experience living them. I have about 14 months clean.

I had erased my sponsor's number, and had no professional help for a month. I'm back to seeing a psych and social worker. My sponsor and I are talking again. I acted out on self-destructive thoughts twice recently. The drugs rarely cross my mind, but my anger and resentments get me a bit too much.

Since I've been clean, my case was closed at school, my counselor sent me to the psych ER and I almost missed my anniversary because I had the wrong date, but they let me celebrate on the day I showed up with parents. I'm guessing it's all self-will situations, but I really don't know why I lose out on working towards my goals.

Working on my health and interacting with recovering addicts right now. I MUST making meetings regularly.

mfanch

Non-theist here. I have a HP I call "not me". Once I right-sized my ego and followed the 12-step directions, my life got better.

Whether we are "thinkers" or "feelers", the 12 steps suggests that we be "doers". I don't have to like it. I don't have to think it is a good idea. I just have to DO it.

And it's nice to be FREE and HAPPY. Finally.

Cleansing

I hate Narcotics Anonymous. Tired of the abuse, neglect, judgments, and control. I'm taking my experience, strength, an hope to someone who appreciates me. I am not the problem, God sees me as a solution. I've done the work.

I am not welcomed here. If Mental Illness isn't real, then addiction isn't real. I'm tired of these delusional, lying, cheating, deceitful people crossing my boundaries.

Then I look like the bad one what i pick up chairs and knock people over the head with them. They want to jump me when I tried to kill someone with my barehands?


I'm asking for help, NOT JUDGEMENT or ABUSE!

Cleansing

I would be one to shoot up a meeting.

Removing myself. I'm already clean through the grace of God and my efforts.

Don't need delusional crackheads who think they know everything and who call the cops on you in an effort to control a situation they started by crossing boundaries.

I know my story, and i'll never forget it.