hopepraylove

I've been broken up with my ABF for 3 weeks now. After catching him trying to use synthetic urine on an at-home drug test, I kicked him out of the house. He has since been in a psych ward and relocated to Arizona to stay with his mother. His mother has been out of his life for 6 years, but he was at the end of his rope-or as he phrased it "had burned all other bridges" and contacted her.

I emailed him on Friday and asked him not to reach out to me for two weeks. I need to take some time to regroup and gather my thoughts. But, his mother reached out to me yesterday to tell me how much her son "loves me" and is "trying really hard." She sent me several large paragraphs over the weekend saying she "applauds me" for how I handled the situation, and that she knows that he needs to "earn back my trust." She then proceeded to follow me on Instagram...

Please note that I have stood by this man for 3 serious relapses (how many slips? Not sure.) He's been to rehab 3 times in the last year, and has been admitted to a psych ward twice in the last year. In totality he has been to seven rehabs and 4 or so psych wards. Needless to say, it's been a very difficult and challenging relationship.

Let me say that, I know this is a disease. I know he is sick. On top of the addiction, he suffers from PTSD, bipolar disorder, paranoia, etc.

I love him. But, I am at the end of my rope. I do not want this to be my life. I can't deal with the anxiety, nerves, uneasiness. Questioning his sobriety when I come home from work...looking for small pupils, or tics, sweating or clammy hands...Over exhaustion...the uneasy feeling in my gut when he says he will go to a meeting and doesn't.

With all of this being said. I feel 80% ready to move on, and 20% inclined to "stay and help him." I talked to my sponsor (I'm in al-anon) and he said to me: "I think you've tried that before, but HEY YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY AGAIN. As long as YOU are willing to pay the price."

AKA, don't be an idiot.

I'm just looking for support, a similar story? Anything. Despite my meetings and friends in program, I'm really struggling with not feeling compelled to try and help see him through this again.

Thank you.

kittycat3

You gotta stay strong. It will be hard but honestly his mom contacting you like that is completely dysfunctional. Big red flag. You don't need to do anything.
Not even sure why you are saying you only need 2 weeks. If it were me (and remember I don't know your story) id say, call me after you have a year sober. Anyone can be sober for 2 weeks, you deserve a healthy relationship girl. This sounds nothing like what you deserve.

kittycat3

pS. Nobody says you can't love him and still do this. You take him back now, and he will continue to use. If you don't, he might just see what his addiction has cost him. If you love him, let him go and love yourself first! Not easy I know, but nothing worthwhile is easy....

hopepraylove

Hi Kitty,
Thank you for your response. *Hugs*
I thought it was very inappropriate too for her to text me. I told her thank you for reaching out, I hope that (my ex) is doing well and is taking care of himself.

I then proceeded to suggest that attend an al-anon meeting. And sent her kind wishes.

I have taken him back 3-4 times now. And stood by him through all of his treatments in the last year (with very little consequences for him), but I can't do it this time around. I am sad, this is NOT what I want. But, it is what I NEED. The difficult part is that I did not "fall out of love," with him...so I wasn't necessarily prepared for this.

Thank you.
Hugs.

kittycat3

So glad you are going through Al-anon. I'm interested in what you mean by NEED. I can assure you that what you described does not sound like love to me, it sounds like codependency. Have you been been to therapy 1:1 to find out what it is you need from this unhealthy relationship?

kittycat3

Also, give yourself time. Love is not a switch, and of course it will take time to heal. But this isn't love, it sounds like you are using him to fill some hole in your life. You deserve so much more from a partner!

hopepraylove

When I said what I "need" I meant that leaving him isn't what I wanted, but it was what I "needed to do." Meaning...the best thing for me...the right thing for me.

Yes, yes. I've done 1/1 therapy. I come from a long line of addicts and alcoholics. My uncle passed away from the disease and my therapist tells me that I want to "save" everyone, because I couldn't save him.

Makes sense, as depressing as it is.

kittycat3

Ha, sorry, I get it. It's so hard dear, but wow you are being brave and doing the right things!!! You can do this you know? Stick around here and learn from some of the others. You got this

AngelCat

Addicts love drugs. Not themselves & not us.
You are brave & smart to move on.
It sucks. It hurts.
But it hurts worse to hang on to a dream that may never come true.
I was in love with an idea. A fantasy of what could be.... Not what was.

You deserve happiness. You deserve someone who is strong enough to fight for themselves & YOU.
best wishes to you.

AngelCat

i realized my codependancy. My keeping him afloat was my addiction.
It is hard.
It's been over 3 months of no contact & I still go through major withdrawals, crying, angry, sad. After almost 2 1/2 years of helping, encouraging, loving.

But there are more & more moments of clarity & feeling like a huge weight is gone. I am free.
It gets easier with time.

You have to heal. Focus on YOU. Take care of YOU for a change.
He made his choices. He is responsible for the outcome of his life. Not you.

You are responsible for you.
Go out & live life the way it is meant to be lived.
Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Accept yourself.
Amazing things will happen.

Give yourself time & you may realize what you've been holding on to something that causes more pain than any happiness you may get.
Hugs*

hopepraylove

Thank you so much. I really needed to hear all of this.