bounced

Hey everyone

I am not doing AA, I never really wanted to as I took a rational recovery approach. I just chose a date and quit (well, ok, not for the first time).

Anyway, I am just coming up to 2 years and things are going fairly good. However, I find myself wanting to make amends to some of the friends that I lost. Not because I want them back as friends or even that they might want me back but just to acknowledge that I would have preferred not to have fallen out with them and to apologise for being a jerk.

Equally I am reluctant to contact anyone because, in some cases, it has been years and, what with not necessarily expecting any relationships to pick up again, I am wondering whether it might be better to let sleeping dogs lie.

So is it possible (or even worthwhile) to make amends in my own mind at least without necessarily opening old wounds for anybody. I would appreciate some thoughts on this.

Thanks
bounced

Dee74

I made my life a kind of living amends - living life right, the way I should have done all along.

while I totally accept responsibility for my actions in the past, today is far more important to me today

D

ScottFromWI

I'd be careful with that one, especially with people you haven't seen for years. Apologies can never hurt, but like see says....sometimes the best apology is living your new life.

Gottalife

Amends:
noun, (used with a singular or plural verb)
1.
reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.
2.
Obsolete. improvement; recovery, as of health.
Idioms
3.
make amends, to compensate, as for an injury, loss, or insult:
I tried to make amends for the misunderstanding by sending her flowers.

There is a lot more to amends than making apologies. In fact apology is not even mentioned in this definition.

AA experience is that this is a risky area to delve into without some experienced guidance, maybe a priest if you are not in AA. Amends is about putting things right. An apology for breaking a chair is not the same as paying for its repair.

Do you owe money? Are there people you still need to avoid? How would you react if someone from your past made an unexpected appearance in your life today?

There is a lot to think about with this amends business. In an AA context it is very important. The last part of the program that deals with removing the burden of past mistakes, it seems to be a spot where dramatic changes take place in ones outlook on life.

JeffreyAK

I found it important to me in a handful of cases, but I personally wouldn't go seek out someone I hadn't seen in years to apologize for something he probably either forgot about, or won't care about. Stuff that seems really important to us might not be important at all to other folks, and dredging up old history to make ourselves feel better isn't always the best course of action. My 2 cents.

Soberwolf

What Scott said

IOAA2

Hi.

Being in AA I agree with Gottalife. Hopefully it can mend some of our past deeds, however it usually helps clean our own house by doing something we didn’t want to do by making the amends for whatever reason.

I’m a bit surprised SR does not have guidelines for this important action for recovery.

BE WELL

zjw

i'd leave it in the past and move forward. IF i ran into these folks again I might address it at that time. Put it behind you otherwise is what I'd do.

But there is also another part of me that sometimes things perhaps I shoudl write a short letter or something etc.. But this usually doesnt materialize.

thisisme

I don't look back. I'm not going that way.

Berrybean

Hi - I know that you're not doing the AA 12-steps, but as amends can be an area rife with pitfalls and tricky decisions, it may well be helpful to use the resources and advice about amends available on the AA site. Step 8 is about making the list and Step 9 is about actually making the amends. If you follow this link it'll take you to the online pdf version of '12 Steps and 12 Traditions' and you can click on the chapters that are pertinent to amends. It might offer some food for thought and advise to help prevent damaging yoursel and your recovery, or hurting others unintentionally...

Alcoholics Anonymous : Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

I don't envy you working this stuff out alone. Best of luck to you with your amend-making.

tomsteve

Therefore, we are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself from the alcoholic pit.

Fly N Buy

You don't have to be in AA to say I was wrong when.............and I apologize for my behavior. If you owe money, pay em back. If you stole something, make them whole. If it's an ex love.......do em a favor and leave em alone!

Yes, AA has a formal way to do this - amends are made in our program to keep us sober and not to make the other person feel better. Some may never want to hear it - that's ok, now we've let it go.

I look at my motivations for wanting to make an amend. I have no right to dump my jazz on someone in order to make myself feel better. Whole heartily agree with Dee and making living amends = changing my behavior is the best way for those around us. Surely they've heard I'm sorry way too many times.

Follow your heart, but use your head and check your motives - perhaps.