Elseware

Well. Interesting news. My psychiatrist is changing my meds. I have mixed feelings about this. For the past 6 months or so. I have been feeling very lethargic and dull. And I've gained another 15 lbs. He feels that at this point I'm not doing well. I have to agree. This lethargy is hard to take. It's so unlike my regular self. I used to feel so full of life. Up or down at least I felt something. Now I'm sort of blank. And I won't even mention how fat I am. However, I'm scared to change anything for fear I will go into another horrible mess like I did last summer. Last summer I was anxious and depressed but also sort of manic. Very complicated. But I am going to do whatever he wants me to do. It's interesting to note that I am craving Vicodin. Or anything to induce some sort of pleasure. ( but NOT alcohol ) I just really feel nothing. If I had some I would take it. But ... no where to get any and no energy to even bother

Venecia

Hi, Else,

I hope everything goes well with the meds change. My heart really goes out to you and the struggles you've endured the past few years.

Not one damn good thing can come out of Vicodin, dear lady. Glad it's far away from you.

Hope this note finds all are well. I'm kind of under repair at the moment. I got really sick after coming back from Florida, which happens to me often when I fly. Ugh. Sort of rallied but it didn't last long; I've really felt like I'm going downhill for the last few days. Went to the nurse prac today and it turns out I've got a pretty nasty ear infection. Got some antibiotic drops so hopefully I'll turn the corner soon.

Funny how sadly accustomed I got to not feeling good during the bad old days. I don't like it!

advbike

Hi Else,
I would weigh 200 if I couldn't exercise.. it's the cool weather here, American diet, and lack of activity that does it to me. I've already gained 5 pounds (185) but holding there.. barely.. just sayin.. that your weight gain is normal here in northern climates if you're not working out regularly.. I've been really busy lately but not working out enough myself.. I should have signed up for yoga and would have if I knew it was going to stay so chilly. I prefer biking in warmer weather.

I am finally starting to feel a little better myself, less overwhelmed. It helps to think about some of the things that have been discussed here recently, and I have found a sponsor to complete my stepwork. He has a lot of the same core issues that I do, due to a somewhat similar background. He totally gets me - the isolation, the active ego, the need to outwardly display signs of success while feeling inferior on the inside, the relationship issues.. haha. I'm a piece of work.. haha, and he's noticed that too - my tendency toward self criticism.. lol.

Making some progress here - found a guy who does custom deck refinishing and two of mine look like new now, and another has a nice new railing. It's just awesome.. and slowly making progress in other areas too. I'm about to pull the trigger on my kitchen update - new cabinets, countertops, etc along with the same in my master bath. The overgrown jungle of a yard is my own job.. and therapy.. haha. My life right now revolves around daily meetings, reflection, step work, yard work, project management, some reading, and cycling.. and that's enough..

advbike

Get better soon V! nothing worse than a summer cold. Hope the weather is warming up nicely in the Upper Midwest.

Elseware

My weight gain is due to side effects of Seroquel and Abilfy. There isn't really much I can do about it except stop the meds. Exercise and dieting won't do a thing. I'm hoping it will level off here soon. But the doc doesn't like it. With the weight gain comes the diabetes and metabolic syndrome of obesity. I weigh as much now as I did when I was 9 months pregnant. And I feel so ugly. There are many side effects of psych drugs that are not well known or understood by most people. The general consensus is that you take your meds and you get all better. Not true. The side effects can be/are horrendous. Last night I started cutting my dose of Seroquel and I was unable to sleep. He wants me to stop taking it gradually. And he wants me off Abilify. I'm just trying to stay in the present moment and not worry. Tonight maybe I will sleep with the help of a new drug he's put me on. This is all very complicated. I'm very sensitive to drugs like Zoloft and Prozac. They make me unable to rest ( sleep ) another difficult side effect. For me he carefully titrates all these drugs, trying to find just the right dosages to make me be ok. But it's hard on me. Every time there is a change it's a crap shoot. You never know what kind of reaction you'll have to the new drug or the reaction you'll have to stopping the old drug. All I can do is keep on trying. I'm on 8 (yes eight) different drugs. Complicated. In fact, I realize it sounds absurd. I guess I haven't told all of you all the mess I'm in most of the time.

advbike

I'm sorry to hear about that situation Else. It's definitely complicated, and I admire your courage and strength in dealing with it. I just can't imagine. You're a tough woman and I wish I could give you a hug.

Dee74

Hi Else

have you spoken to your Dr specifically about this? I only ask cos I'm on a med that makes me gain weight too - it's definitely harder to lose but it can be done

D

jdooner

Happy Fathers Day to the Dads out there.

I have just returned from my first Wanderlust festival. OMG - 4 and 1/2 hours of intense yoga on land, air and water each day, with Taoist meditation, Kirtan chanting, I have so much love and gratitude...my cup is full and my heart is open. I had several breakdowns during this trip. I have made a decision to go to India on a pilgrimage (classic addict behavior, right) but I feel a calling for some unknown reason and a desire to serve others.

Else, I am sorry you are having a hard time. For me I had my DNA sequenced. It was expensive, roughly $5K when I did it but I believe the costs have fallen dramatically and some is covered under insurance. In addition to the many pages of reports these tests provided was a group of drugs (3 pages) that will not metabolize properly based on my genetic makeup. Many were SSRI's that just won't work properly. I cannot help but acknowledge without this testing, Drs. were simply experimenting with dosages and medications.

I have chosen not to take any drugs, ever and have been able to holistically change. Not everyone is as lucky but I urge you to look into the DNA analysis. This is targeted medicine and what will be the standard in the years to come.

As for weight and how we look, this is an internal game. If you think you are fat, what you see in the mirror will be fat. If we can begin to love ourself and forgive ourselves then what we see reflected in the mirror will be more beautiful.

Be well all!

Venecia

Amen, JD.

Or should I say Namaste? Your trip to India sounds fascinating. Look forward to hearing more about it.

Elseware

Yes , I have Dee. Changing my meds is his plan for me. It's suffering time again. One med I've been off 3 days now. And it's starting to make go into withdrawals.

Dee74

I'm really sorry Else - I know thats not pleasant at all

D

advbike

Else, I'm so sorry to hear that you're suffering again. Those meds sound so complicated. Have you ever been completely free? I also try to avoid all prescription and otc meds, party due to allergic reactions, although I'm occasionally dependent on my asthma inhaler, as happened last night after some heavy yard work yesterday. Thankfully my asthma doesn't bother me in the tropics.

I also had a short encounter with a mild pain killer last winter for my knee injuries that I could barely get off of, after a couple of months. It's scary how powerful and addictive these new meds are, especially for those of us who have distorted brain reward pathways. It would seem to me that the distortion in yours occurred primarily as a result of the vicodin addiction. Now that you've been away from that for a considerable period of time, perhaps fewer of the antidepressants would be required.

Of course I'm not a doctor, just wondering. It would seem to me that 8 meds must be conflicting with each other. I think what JD suggested about gene sequencing might be of significant value. My hope is that you can get through this period without too many complications and slowly reduce that dependence.

advbike

JD, your adventures never cease to amaze me. A spiritual, emotional and physical journey in all aspects. It's hard to keep up, haha! Really, that is just so amazing. I'm content with a much slower pace of change these days, as long as every day contains some accomplishment, some spiritual moments, and some time to read or ponder things, I'm happy. Well, I'm also finding that I need social interaction too.

Speaking of spirituality, it is the summer solstice, a day I have always revered. I've often felt an affinity for the Druids, Mayans, and other cultures who worshipped and placed their faith in nature and her events, such as the solstices and equinoxes. In our time of rapid change and impermanence, there's also something deeply appealing to me, and metaphysical, about these events.

I once visited Stonehenge in early summer, and it was closed by the time I got there in the evening. So I parked on an adjacent road, hopped a fence, and hiked in. I had the place to myself, until I was chased away.. lol. It was awe-inspiring.

Tonight will also be a full moon. Rare occurrence for them to occur together.. Enjoy everyone!

Elseware

Thanks for your concern, my friends. Frankly, I don't know what to do. After last summer when I tried to take things into my own hands.....well we all know how that turned out. But the Doc is trying to wean me down. I promised myself after my last mess to trust in him because he was able to stabilize me after the hospital. And I really can't see any other choice. He is the most highly recommended psychiatrist around here. One of the drawbacks to psych meds is that they don't act immediately. You have to give it time. Never has "One Day at a Time" been so meaningful to me.

Dee74

I think putting your faith in your Dr is a good decision Else

D

jdooner

Else - did you get a 2nd opinion or is this Psychiatrist the only Dr. you visited? I have several friends in the psychotherapy community and it is common for a Psychologist and Psychiatrist to work together. The job of a Psychiatrist is usually to treat through medication. Whereas a Psychologist will often treat through psychotherapy. This can often lead to pro Pharma bias on behalf of the Psychiatrist.

EndGameNYC is in this field and I have found his comments to be quite pragmatic and helpful. Perhaps you want to reach out to him? I will say a prayer for you, and I sincerely hope you get better. As Venecia mentioned Vicodin or any chemical will only make things worse and have to restart the process of getting better all over again if you make it back to the spot. My friend last year had the same idea with roughly 6 months under his belt. I buried him last June.

Advbike - I have to be careful of my motivations at this stage of recovery. I can often go down the rabbit hole of chasing spirituality outside of myself,, which is just ego disguised as my higher self. However, there is a deep emotion that I feel when sining Kirtan. So for me the greater motivation of the India Pilgrimage is about being with like seekers and sharing stories and singing as we travel to ancient holy sites. I have always wanted to visit Tibet too and the Himalayas so I am going to work this into my travels.

Venecia - I am sorry to hear about the mosquito bites. I am not a fan either - ticks too. However, I have found that diet (as well as blood type) can have a dramatic effect on attracting mosquitoes. A vegan diet with heavy garlic will not attract the mosquitoes. Although for me I also tend to repel people with a heavy garlic diet too:-)

Dee74

JD I appreciate your position on this, and your passion - but asking EndGame for a second opinion would be highly unethical for him - yeah?

Else, if you think you need a second opinion, find someone you can talk to face to face.

D

Elseware

In the last year I have seen three different psychiatrists. The one I have is the best for me. I also see a psychologist once a week. I think I am doing the best I can do at this time.

jdooner

I agree with you comments Dee.

Else - good luck. Sounds like you have a plan. Keep posting and try to connect with others when you can here or in 3D.

Dee74

We continue here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-16-a.html

D