happybeingme

Igirl, your assumption is wrong. You were merely told to keep your posts in this thread on topic. AA is not the topic of this thread. That website is.

searching peace

I think that when any of us come to this forum we are scared and hurt and confused for the most part. Most of us come here because we or a loved one has a situation with alcohol or substance abuse. While on this site, I believe we all learn certain things along the way such as maybe there is more to our loved ones condition than just the alcohol or substance. We learn about our behaviors and how we have contributed to our own pain. We learn many things. Some of us also have the realization that the alcohol or substance is not the only thing they have been abusing. I believe that all of us come here for answers and support. Sometimes these post get really intense and people feel so strongly about something and end up blasting one or more of the people that post their thoughts. I hope we can all learn to be more tolerant of other people's thoughts and ideas. What is right for one is not right for someone else. But everyone is entitled to express his or her belief in a safe place. I thought this was a safe place to do that. A safe place to ask questions and to try to find answers. But in the last few weeks when I have logged on I have read people bashing other posters about their dating habits, or parenting or how they think of their spouse or situation. I appreciate hearing other people's views because it expands my thinking and helps me view something in a way I normally wouldn't. I do not agree with AA and have found it more harm than good in my situation. I have also seen posts get "off track" but it is because the off track thinking was what was on the poster's mind and what they needed to express and other people have begun expressing their views off topic. And usually those off topic posts have been very helpful. For example there was one recently about abuse and leaving abusive situation. It was way off the topic and very helpful!

I sincerely hope before any of us post we take a step back and think how our comments will effect the forum and if what we are doing will be positive or negative. It is really hard to tell someone's intent on a written message.

Kimmieh

It's not so much anger, just that they validate co-dependency. No matter how you frame or slice it, you are never ever going to be as happy in a relationship with a narcissist as you would be in a relationship with someone who can love you and feel your pain and safe-guard your emotions. I do believe that we have to go through phases and I found strategies like detaching useful when I first started to deal with my own co-dependency. But I do hate the idea of making compromises the end point by calling it fixing. Of course you can make a dysfunctional relationship workable, but that's not fixing or curing anything. It just validates the co-dependent because s/he has reached the ultimate (unhealthy) goal of being the only one who could truly help the damaged loved one.

And this, to me, is especially sad when it involves narcissists because ultimately, they don't even change for your benefit. They just change to keep you around because you suit their needs. They can't love deeply.

Kimmieh

And really, emotionally, I would like nothing more than driving 9 hours to see my ex and talk to him and tell him I love him and will work through this with him because he is not evil and he does have issues that he can't necessarily help. That is my natural inclination. I am quite familiar with the internal struggle of not wanting to give up on a loved on. But he will damage me.

redatlanta

I think all relationships find coping mechanisms some that are mainstream and others that are not. The non-mainstream is not widely discussed here and yes does usually end up in a heated debate.

Ultimately what is one person's slice of pie is not another's. You have been very dedicated to making this work I know it has been very painful to you. I hope the site is helpful for you. What I would hate to see is you contorting unacceptable behavior to being acceptable just for the sake of remaining with your husband. I must point out that the success of this couple came from both of them working on it.

In the meantime if you feel it is helping you then that's great!

Morning Glory

Thread closed at the request of OP.