carmen303

My A is someone I don't see often (because of his A issues), but we are close friends and we are not seeing anyone else. I care very much for him, but due to the A and other issues attached to it, we are in limbo.

When I start to feel like things can normalize or it's all improving, he starts having money trouble again and starts pressuring me to borrow money. He knows how I feel about this. I don't believe in loaning money and it upsets me that he asked. He says that's what couples do, etc... well, we aren't married and don't live together. He has financial stresses due to his own choices. I am concerned for him and talk to him about it, but don't like being asked for money.

Plus, I don't have an income, only credit, which he wants to use. Maybe if I had an income, I'd try (but it would still upset me). I've never had a guy ask me for money before. So, he starts getting mad at me, saying sharing money is what couples do and tells me I'm spoiled and selfish. Then I get all upset. He typically will ask friends for loans (which bothers me that he does this). I can't imagine what they must think. But he says, that's what friends should do and he thinks they are great for giving him money.

I start to question myself and what's normal, so I'm almost afraid to ask. Am I wrong to feel this way? He makes me feel like I'm so rotten for not giving him money.

Kboys

Hi Carmen...
Heck no, you're not wrong for feeling this way!
But I understand that feeling, and it's hard not to question your decision when he's laying on the guilt.
It sounds like you're doing a great job standing your ground! Keep it up.

happybeingme

No. Call me old-fashioned but I don't think him asking you is right. Like you said he is always having money troubles. That is just irresponsible. I won't loan anyone money. Buy them groceries maybe but a loan no. He is being mean and manipulative.

FireSprite

Um, no. Couples share when they are married & tied together financially through credit histories, banking, etc. Even at that, I have separate savings from my RAH.

Friends are not ATM machines either; it sounds like he has a really screwed up view of his personal financial responsibility. With that type of perception it's no wonder he has ongoing money problems.

It's absolute manipulation & you have no obligation or reason to continually help him out like that. I would've stopped giving him money after the first 2-3 requests - it's one thing to have a true, desperate problem that you need help with & quite another to constantly expect others to bail you out. Don't feel badly about holding this boundary, you are not wrong about this!

Refiner

This is absolute manipulation! He wants to borrow your credit? BAAA HAAAA HAHAHA! This needs to go in the Quackers thread. And just watch how long those "friends" stay his "friends" when they don't get paid back.

Fluffer

Do not borrow money and mortgage your future to lend money to an A to support his habit. That is sheer lunacy. If that is the price of friendship, time to find a new friend.

atalose

My A is someone I don't see often (because of his A issues), but we are close friends and we are not seeing anyone else.

Close friends don’t pressure you for money.

Close friends would never ask someone with no income for money.

Close friends don’t call you spoiled and selfish when they cannot manipulate you.

You are still hung up on the fantasy you have in your mind of this guy and that you can have something together. A few months ago you posted that he is your best friend and he is so kind to you yet your current post shows someone who has no kindness only bullying someone that he can’t even be bothered seeing, just bullying for money then ridiculing her when she doesn’t give in to him.

Are you still feeling that the person you mention in this post is your best friend and do you still hope to have “something” with him someday?

I start to question myself and what's normal, so I'm almost afraid to ask. Am I wrong to feel this way? He makes me feel like I'm so rotten for not giving him money.

There is nothing normal (healthy) about the relationship you have with this person. Other people can’t make US feel a certain way without our permission. Maybe you are in fear of him not calling you at all if you continue to say no to giving him money. Maybe you feel rotten (jealous) because he praises how “great” these other people are for giving him money.

FRIENDS do not treat friends like this and active A’s DO NOT MAKE GOOD FRIENDS.

searching peace

You only know what he tells you as far as other friends giving him money. Don't you think he might be lying about that. There seems to be more power in numbers so him saying other people don't have an issue with it, you shouldn't might be a tactic. Regardless, you have got to listen to your gut on this one. Take care of yourself. In my opinion the most loving and kind thing you can do for him is allow him to feel the effects of his own behaviors and actions that caused him to have money problems. You cannot save him. And then if you do this once, he will ask you again and probably for more each time. When will this end for you? In my opinion better to set boundaries now whether relationship or friends.

AnvilheadII

he's not having money troubles AGAIN, he has ONGOING money troubles. probably spends it all on alcohol and drugs.

a "friend" in true need MAY ask another friend ONCE. but this constant badgering you for money you DO NOT HAVE and then to insult and demean you for not giving in, indicates that this is NO FRIEND. this is someone who USES people for what he can get FROM them. for his own selfish gain. he's looking for ENABLERS, not friends.

So, he starts getting mad at me, saying sharing money is what couples do

sharing?? oh that's rich. when was the last time he SHARED any of HIS money with YOU?

i'm not sure why you keep hanging on to this lowlife.......

Refiner

Exactly what Anvil's saying. I think you need to examine why you feel you only deserve addicted lowlife scum for a "friend" (that's no friend, btw). You are being USED. Can't you see it?

LexieCat

I wish I had all the money I spent over the years supporting deadbeats. One guy worked hard but was a TERRIBLE businessman and I wound up supporting what was, essentially, an expensive "hobby" before I booted him out. At least in that case I got a MOST of the money back when we sold property that we owned together (thankfully, in my name). In the case of the second guy, I will never see a dime of the thousands of dollars I spent supporting him.

You aren't even LIVING with this guy and he's expecting you to "share" your money? Puh-leeeze!

redatlanta

I got quite the chuckle ^^^

What she said, and are you a couple? I'm confused most people don't identify their SO as "my close friend".

No to the cash, I mean credit (who pays the interest?) - btw has he ever paid you back any money? clearly this is not the first time he has asked.

My husband and I share the bills he pays half and I pay half. We have separate accounts. We agree to pay for things together - if one of us needed money from the other of course we would - except if it were for something booze related or stupid. Difference is we are working toward a future we aren't spending money to dig each other out of a self created hole.

,

thequest

Addicts/alkies tend to view money as a tool. They look at it as a pen in a office or a screw driver in a drawer. How many times have you loaned out a pen and have never gotten it back. That's the attitude many have towards money.

I learned always treat a personal loan anyway as a gift because there is a good chance you will not be repaid.