maybear

I found this article
http://healthland.time.com/2012/10/0...ts-into-rehab/

It made me feel pretty bad about my situation, like I haven't treated my husband well in the face of his addiction.
When he relapsed, I didn't feel like being warm and empathetic. I was angry. I wanted him out of the house. I didn't want to spiral with him again.
I guess I acted on my feelings but maybe that wasn't helpful and made him worse. Maybe I should have been supportive and encouraging of him to get back on the horse instead of kicking him out.
Now he is worse than ever. I feel really conflicted about this.
I am happy to have my peace and I know what's best for us (baby and I) but I can't help but think maybe I should have dealt with the situation better.
I've not been mean or nasty to him or anything, I was just so angry when he relapsed that I kicked him out immediately and I haven't heard from him in months. I guess the guilting from his friends have also made me second guess everything.

maybear

I sort of feel like because of my emotions, I have lost the capacity to help of support him.
Maybe that's because I've just had enough.

Sikofit

I think the article was arguing against involuntary rehab, but didn't speak as much to the attitude that family members have regarding their As.

I don't think you should feel bad for being angry, upset, fed up, etc. Only you and your A know what you've been through--and you are allowed to have your own feelings about that.

LexieCat

My bet is you were plenty empathetic and understanding for a while. Eventually the well runs dry.

You aren't obligated to continue to hang around on the off chance one of these stints in rehab or recovery sticks. Maybe it will, but there's a good chance that it won't--whatever you do.

You can still hope and pray he recovers at some point so he can be a reliable parent for your daughter. That doesn't mean you have to subject yourself (and her) to more misery in the meantime.

maybear

Thanks for the replies.

You are right Lexie, the well is now dry. I have had too many years of empathy and I just have nothing left.

FeelingGreat

I understand how you feel Maybear, and the pressure from his friends isn't helping either, although this thing about private rehab is ridiculous, but your choices are limited in your circumstances.
You've treated AH like an adult, and given him the dignity of making his own decisions. From what you know, he's still capable of doing that, including seeking treatment if he's desperate enough.
You never had a chance of committing him on an involuntary basis, as I understand the laws in Australia, and not having him around while on a bender is a pretty reasonable position when you have a baby.
The forums are full of stories from partners who regret not leaving sooner. For your daughter's sake be thankful you had the strength to take decisive action.

maybear

Thank you FeelingGreat.
Your advice is always so spot on

searching peace

Maybear, please don't be so hard on yourself. I seriously doubt it would have made any difference no matter how you handled it. I have been supportive, encouraging, loving, forgiving and understanding of my stbxah. Even after the abuse arrest I begged him to come home. My approach didn't work, and if I had done things the way you did with healthy boundaries, that approach wouldn't have worked. I honestly think the only thing that might work is if the A seeks help and wants things to work. You didn't cause this, can't control it and cannot cure it!

maybear

You are so right searching peace.
I know deep down that he is going to drink whether I am there or not, being perfect or not. He drinks when we are apart. He drinks when we are together. He started drinking before I met him.
It's nice to accept that it really has nothing to do with me.

searching peace

Maybear, I know it is so hard to believe it isn't our fault or because of something we did or didn't do. That is only because that is what our A's want us to believe. They need to place the blame somewhere other than themselves. They don't want the responsibility of causing all the chaos and hurt. So they give that to the drink itself and to the closest person they can blame. Sending you hugs and strength to always remember you didn't cause this!!!

Liveitwell

I had empathy for years (YEARS) but once I opened my eyes to how it was affecting my kids, and how my oldest was hurting, I had no more empathy. I pray for more empathy if my Exah ever recovers. Prayers to you.

fluffyflea

There really is nothing you could have done.

Look at it this way, kicking him out didn't sober him up so I would doubt being forced into re- hab would have.

sugarbear1

As a recovering and sober alcoholic, kicking him out was a good thing for both of you. Even if he is "worse" now, he needs to get to a point where he is ready and willing to change.

Know you've done the right thing. Take care of you first!!!

love and hugs to you

PHIZ007

My bet is you were plenty empathetic and understanding for a while. Eventually the well runs dry.

Wow....I can really relate to this and have never allowed myself to see it just as it is.

The well has certainly run dry here too.

Thanks for the post and for this LexieCat. This is just what I needed to read/ hear today.

Take care. Phiz