Gottalife

Hi all,

Recently I have read a few posts where newcomers to AA have shared in some depth at an AA meeting and have received unhelpful feed back and even criticism and judgement from other members of the group. While I have never seen or experienced this directly, there have been occasions where older members have quietly advised individuals not to be quite so open.

There are good reasons for this, the main one being you never know who is in the room. AA meetings have no special legal standing as far as confidentiality goes, so what you say could be used against you in a legal sense, and there is no law forcing members to keep what you say confidential.

Apart from alcoholics attending AA for the purpose of recovery, there can also be police officers, mental health cases, lonely hearts, predators, psychopaths, and others all attending for their own reasons. So it does not pay to say too much.

The guidance in the Big Book is "our stories disclose in a general way...".

If you are new to AA, if you share (and you don't have to if you don't want to) The best advice I can give you is to keep it very general in nature. Save the specifics for when you have identified someone in whom you have confidence, perhaps a sponsor.

Perhaps other long time AAers would like to comment for the benefit of the newcomer.

LexieCat

Absolutely agree!!

Some people (mostly newcomers, but there are some longer-term members who really ought to know better) have the idea that AA is some place for the big confessional--let it all hang out, hold nothing back.

Nothing could be further from the truth. The only person you're "supposed" to be that open with is with a sponsor, or whoever you choose to hear your Fifth Step. With anyone else, it's totally your choice how much you reveal, but discretion is always wise unless you are sharing one-on-one with someone you totally trust.

Thanks for this very helpful post.

digdug

At the meetings I go to, we only tend to only share about how we stay sober through the program and what we still need to work on.

With the focus on the solution, there is not much need for backstory. We all understand there is a reason why we ended up in the rooms. But those details are far less important than the experience, strength and hope of how to get another day.

Just wanted to add that not only is there no confidentiality in AA at the group level, but not even with your sponsor, at least in the legally protected sense.

Here's an interesting story that came out last week about an AA sponsor who reported a sponsee to the police for sexually corrupting minors in the present (the incident occurred while the woman was in AA, not in the distant past):

Georgia Mother Accused Of 'Naked Twister Party' With Teen Daughter, Sex With Minor

countrygirl2014

That sponsor had one hell of a decision to make. I guess the fact that it was a recent event was a huge deciding factor. Good job sponsor. Just because you are in recovery does not make you exempt from your bad decisions. Those kids have obviously been warped for a long time thanks to the mom's issues.
I have heard people get shut down for sharing too much at meetings. Usually they are told that information is for your sponsor, not the meeting. One lady was so offended by not being able to finish her sex story she left the meeting and never came back. The meetings are for learning how to live and learning how to achieve long term sobriety. They are not for bragging about your weekend sexual conquests, which is what happened in this case. I gear what I share for the person there for the first time. I avoid topics that irritated me in the beginning and stay as positive as possible. What you say can mean life or death for someone else. That's just my opinion.

Jennifer

Boleo

IMO Another thing to take into consideration is the terminology and addiction details shared at the particular meeting one attends. When at an AA meeting it is best to stick to the subject of alcohol and use Big Book terms. When at a NA meeting it is best to stick to the subject of narcotics and use their book terminology. The same goes for other meetings as well. In short:

"When in Rome... Do as the Romans do!"

Ken33xx

I don`t care what anyone shares about as long as it`s related to alcoholism/recovery and kept under 5 minutes.

Nothing worse than someone rambling on and on and....

Pete55

In the early 1940's when AA was new, a rule of thumb by some Akron groups was that one does not share till they have completed their 12 steps.

Because it say's it in Step 12,
The key here is as the result of these steps

So basically, the authors are saying, after they completed the first 11 steps, then they tried to carry this message of recovery from the hell hole of their own drinking experiences which caused a life of un-manageability.
This is because the individual has had experienced the first 11 steps, the mental obsession has been removed, actually made some amends, doing a daily inventory on themselves, ( step 10), and some experience with Step 11.
Without any of this experience, what is there to share about ?

If one has not taken Step 1, how then do they know if they are or are not a real alcoholic with some form of reference from the BB at least ?
If one is not sure how to determine their if own drinking falls into the following 3 categories, ( Page 20 -21 )
1. - Moderate Drinker
2. - Hard Drinker
3. - Real Alcoholic

then what clear message do they have for the real alcoholic with no power over alcohol ?


I heard one member open a meeting with, "today I bought some whip cream" !
And went on for 10 minutes of how nice the whip cream was, but was having trouble losing weight.
There was no message of actual alcoholic recovery, it was all about their whip cream and weight gain !

Now if a brand new suffering alcoholic was in the room and it was their first meeting, what would this person think ?

"Whip Cream Recovery" ?

I wish it was that easy , go buy some whip cream and you never have to drink alcohol again, then life becomes bliss all of a sudden.

tomsteve

I heard one member open a meeting with, "today I bought some whip cream" !
And went on for 10 minutes of how nice the whip cream was, but was having trouble losing weight.
There was no message of actual alcoholic recovery, it was all about their whip cream and weight gain !


I think that's where the chairperson and others of the group have a responsibility to stop that share and get the meeting back in track.


Now if a brand new suffering alcoholic was in the room and it was their first meeting, what would this person think ?

And by getting the meeting back on track I think the newcomer would probably see WE are about recovering from alcohism.

Pete55

It was the secretary !

But credit where it's due, no one else put their hand up to take the keys and open that particular meeting, he was sober, that counts for something, progress.
At least we had coffee/tea, milk, biscuits and a nice old timer female member brought in home made sandwiches.
:-)

Ken33xx

Maybe they thought they were at an OA meeting

But seriously how often do such off-the-wall shares occur?

Pete55

Only takes one to get the ball rolling, then a old timer gets to share, somewhat the meeting gets back on track why we are there in the first place. Most are there because there is no where else to go due to their drinking.

Mental Obsession before the first drink
Powerless over Alcohol and that change of personality once alcohol is drunk, want/crave more, deluded by then cos of that change in personality caused by the alcohol in the body, how they got to AA, recovered through the steps, remain sober and alive to tell story.
In other words, how does one find a power greater than themselves to remove the mental obsession that another drink will be different this time?
That's what the suffering newcomer wants to hear, how and where.
How is, the 12 steps
Where, it's contained in the Big Book of AA

Who has experience take another through the steps ?
Is it the guy holding a can of aerosol whipped cream, is the one saying take up knitting, is it the other strung out on Valium, or a rehaber who's been in several times paid by insurance or rich parents ?

Or is it the one with nice clothes, a newer car, bills paid, humble and has that glint in their eye with honest BB sobriety and tells it how it is ?

FLCamper

Interesting that this has come up: I tried AA for a while. One of the reasons my sponsored "disowned" me was that I was not forthcoming enough at meetings. She chastised me for not sharing personal info with the group. I wasn't willing to bare all for women I barely knew. That was the end of my AA involvement (not the only reason).
I imagine part of it depends on the group and each persons own comfort level.

countrygirl2014

The people with time benefit from the newcomers message as well. I heard not to speak at a speaker meeting for one year, but never to not share at a meeting. Someone should have stepped in and stopped the whipped cream conversation

Jennifer

uncle holmes

Step one is: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-
that our lives had become unmanageable".

That's what the newcomers should be sharing about when they first come in until they're ready to move onto the other steps.

I then sometimes say to the newcomers that there's some good news and some bad news.

The good news is there is a solution to your problem.

The bad news is we're it!

Putting the joking aside, it's important we tell them that alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful! But it will get better if you follow our suggestions!

Gottalife

Because we dont often do 12 step calls these days, the newcomer often turns up at a meeting out of the blue. All they know about AA is that is has some kind of solution to the drink problem and perhaps they think AA is some kind of group therapy. And I suppose it would not be unreasonable to think that if it is a therapy group, if we want to benefit, we should be absolutely open.

No one has 12 stepped them so they dont know about our spiritual program of recovery, who qualifies for membership, or that there are no licensed therapists operating in the meetings. They dont know about the steps, cross sharing or anything so it is not surprising that sometime their introductory share disclose more than is wise.

There was one poor chap came to our group and opened up about some very sick behaviour. No one judged him, one or two older members approached him afterwards and suggested some discretion might be in order. A day or two later he realised what he had said and felt he could not come back to aa. A few days after than he was found dead in his flat. Suicide.

It can be very tough for a newcomer flying blind. The best advice is to keep it general at least until you get to know how it all works.

Flcamper, I am sorry that problem helped send you away from AA, but I think your concern is genuine and valid. Based on experiences some women have shared with me about similar situations it appears that knowledge is power and this open disclosure idea is really rooted in a few unwell folk who have a need to control others.

I always think the best check on whether your sponsor is giving you AA guidance, or following some personal agenda, is to know the Big Book better than they do. If it aint in the book it must have come from somewhere else.

Gottalife

"Suppose now you are making your second visit to a man. He has read this volume and says he is prepared to go through with the Twelve Steps of the program of recovery. Having had the experience yourself, you can give him much practical advice. Let him know you are available if he wishes to make a decision and tell his story, but do not insist upon it if he prefers to consult someone else."

Wouldn't this person be somewhat better prepared. But how often do we take the time for this approach?

uncle holmes

A few meetings I go to as the meeting is opened up there's the announcement reminding others that "Who you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here"! There's also a sign at each table that says, "Who you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here!

I wish AA would do this at every meeting. But then again that's up to each meeting on how they want to do it.

I believe that would fall into Tradition #4: Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or AA as a whole.

It's also important to remind everyone that each member has the right to suggest a group conscious meeting to discuss any concerns about the meeting.

This brief meeting is then announced when it is taking place. This brief meeting can take place say 15 minutes before the meeting, right after the meeting is opened up, or right after the meeting is finished. The group then votes on the issue that is being discussed.

I think this would be a few ways to help solve this problem.

fluffyflea

I always follow that rule: General Sharing. Not just for newcomers but for everyone.

Deep sharing is when we are working with our Sponsor on the steps. It's not for the general population of A.A.

Bmac

I think if someone new shares a bit too much detail that may not be appropirate for a meeting, then someone who knows the ropes may gently pull them aside after the meeting, validate what they shared and recognize the importance of their topic, and then advise them to pick an individual to share it with rather than to a group.