DoubleDragons

So, my mom broke her heel in a drunken incident about 6 weeks ago and appeared to not be drinking. I stupidly thought that maybe, just maybe she had hit her bottom.

Well, a close friend of my teenage son killed himself this week. My son has been a wreck and I have tried to be his rock, but inside I am a complete wreck, too. So, I think I will call my mom to get some support, only to be ignored until she calls me late in the evening last night, completely hammered and then calls me again today, totally smashed. Her only remark, is that never in her lifetime has she had to deal with teenage suicide in a blaming sort of tone.

Of course, I got off of the phone immediately with her both times, but why do I keep going to the source of my abuse for comfort?? Will I always be looking for her to be the mother that she was never capable of being? Is it fair to someone else to look for them to be a mother figure? Who would that person be?

MIRecovery

I asked my father once if he could say he loved me and he said no.

I have to remember the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results.

She is not going to change but you can,

ajarlson

Sorry DoubleDragons, I was just thinking about the fact that up until a year ago or so I was still doing the same thing. It's human to want that connection and it's painful and hard to walk away even if it's the best thing for us. Hang in there. <hugs>

happybeingme

What a heartbreak. Suicide is the saddest thing ever. I am so sorry.

Accepting that our parents can't be there for us is hard. I still feel bad about it sometimes and I haven't seen or spoken to my dad in years and I went no contact with my mom last summer. I just remind myself I am not the only orphan out there. Try talking to a good friend or find an online support group for people dealing with suicide.

I wish you and your son peace

Kialua

So sorry. Teen suicide is horrible to deal with, it hurts those around them so much, like your son. Sorry you don't have a mom that can support you, I don't either. When it happened in my foo my mother did actually blame the teens mother but of course only to me, lucky me. I told her to stop that and in no way was anyone to blame. Fed up with those lies. I understand what you are going through.

seasaw

I also have to remember that I was still refusing, until last summer, to accept that my mom is just not the mom I thought she was. I still had hope, there was still suspension of disbelief. Drugs, alcohol, addiction rewires the brain, and we all have a NEED to believe our mothers are capable of function and loving us - even when we are adults with kids of our own.

Also, when there's an undiagnosed personality disorder, as there was in my mom's case for years, there's a messed up version of non-reality that you're living in along with them for years, and waking up to the truth is a ton of bricks on your head.

There's work and reading out there about self-mothering. Showing yourself the kindness and compassion and strength you would like to have seen coming from your own mother, that is outside her capacity to give.

If you feel ready one exercise you can try is sitting down, if you have any time to yourself, and writing in the third person a letter to yourself, in your mother's voice or the voice of formless maternal figure, of what you wish you had heard your mother say to you on the phone when you called looking for comfort and guidance. You'll be surprised at how much strength and wisdom is already inside you.

You will probably cry, but reading that letter over afterwards will help.

:/ hugs hugs hugs.

DoubleDragons

Thank you all so much for your support. Yes, my mother's first problem has always been her personality disorders. Her alcoholism didn't really completely manifest until her late forties. My sister was a rebellious teen and so my mother was calling her yesterday and kept asking her why she didn't commit suicide when she was a kid, but in an accusatory, mean tone. That is the kind of creepy, awful crap she spewed at us our entire lives.

seasaw

Yeesh!!!! That is awful!!

thotful

Seasaw, I really like that idea for an exercise! I think I'll try it.

I once said in a meeting that I feel like a moth. A moth that can't resist going towards the flame. Towards the chaos. I am working on moving away from the chaos. Into the "boring" (yes, an ACOA can feel this about "normal" life).

I guess the mother thing has been less difficult for me. in al-anon, my temporary sponsor was a lady that was my mother's age.

My wife's mother has been truly amazing. I used to call her mom (just trying to be inclusive). She didn't like it. We negotiated and settled on Mom #2, lol. She has been extremely supportive. I'm really grateful for her presence in my life. I have realized that when I could call my mother for support, I call my MIL. I once felt guilt when realizing I call my MIL more than my own mother. But, it shouldn't be that surprising when I actually get support from my MIL. For example, I called my MIL when I had the confrontation with my mother. I also called the temporary sponsor mentioned above. I also wrote to this forum. I also discussed it at length with my counselor.

I try to seek out the support that I am actually going to get (go to a bread store for bread instead of a hardware store).

As for the father figure thing...hmm...yowch. I need to think about that. A lot of emptiness when it comes to that. Maybe I'll try seasaw's idea and try to write a father note to my inner child.

tromboneliness

In a similar vein, in the 47 years I knew my father, not once did he ever say "I'm sorry" or otherwise apologize for anything. I'm serious -- no apologies, ever, for anything, big or small.

T

seasaw

Ditto my mom. Instead you'd get the occasional "well i guess i'm a failure as a mother/the worst mother in the world." So a) any time you point out something that hurts you, you are the terrible one for making her feel so bad and b) as if to admit even a small slip up would be to admit complete failure as a human - well, that's how it must have felt to her and c) there's no time for your feelings - your hurt feelings only make her feel bad - so comfort her! Oy. Sorry, i guess i needed the vent!!

DoubleDragons

The only "real" apology that I ever got from my mother was after she ruined this past Christmas with her drunken antics. She sent a card to my sister's family and my family that said, "Sorry. It won't happen again." Even my 11 year old daughter said, "That's it????"

ajarlson

Sounds familiar. Lately though, no apologies. The latest thing I remember was that I was supposed to take her to the airport for a christmas visit to my half brother. When I got to her house she was falling down trashed, fell down, couldn't get up, she insisted I call the fire department to get her up, they came and helped her up, and then helped her into my car to go to the airport. I insisted as I did NOT want her around. I took her to the airport and poured her into a wheelchair and told her to shut up, got her ticketed and someone took her. When I told her later how much this bothered me she said she didn't remember any of it and laughed and said "Isn't that convenient?". Yeah mom. Real convenient. Sorry to vent, this just brought up a whole bunch of memories and feelings.