honeypig

double post, sorry

honeypig

and triple post, sorry again! Lots of problems w/the site for me lately...

NWGRITS

He's taking her to the bar (I thought I read that and posted about it, but then couldn't find it again, and deleted the remark) so he can drink. You are liable if he gets into an accident while driving drunk if your name is on the insurance or the vehicle's registration. You can't really stop him, but you can take measures to protect yourself. You can notify CPS that he will take her to the bar if she is not entirely in your custody. They can talk to the bar staff to confirm. Start building a defense to protect the both of you. I'm so sorry you're in this position, but it's time to make your daughter your #1 priority. Your AH has already made it clear what his priority is, and he's going to do what he's going to do regardless of what you do or don't do.

shakeitoff

Sadly he does take her to the bar/restaurant to drink. I seem to be the only one who has an issue with it. Well my friends and family agree with me. Not him or his friends. Which is part of why I am so scared to leave. At least I can control what he does with her if I am around. I can just never leave her alone with him.

walkinganewpath

Do you work during the day? I currently don't and am able to go daytime meetings. But my kids are in school (8 and 11). I know that one of the meetings nearby does offer childcare so look around. Do you have family nearby that could watch her? Or sometimes there are some daycares that will do 'drop in' care. Not sure what your finances are like but that could be an option as well if you can go during the day. Also since she is only 3 you might be able to bring her along and bring a little chair/pillow/blankie and maybe some toys or a movie/show for her to watch on some electronic device.

I find it's easier for me to go to meetings during the day as then I don't always have to make those arrangements for AH to be home and I don't have to explain to him where I've been - if asked I am always honest but I don't necessarily tell him of my plans during the day when he is at work. Also my DD (11) has already voiced that she doesn't like to be home alone with daddy when he has been drinking too much. She has the ability to lock herself in her room and say she wants to read or whatever but I can totally see not leaving a 3 year old alone with an AH at the level both of ours seem to be. Also my AH tends to have less patience with my son so I seldomly leave the two of them alone for any length of time or if I see that things are going to get bad quickly.

Try to find some kind of support and stay here. At first it is hard to swallow what some folks will tell you and it seems harsh. I know I joined, posted and then got real pissed off and defeated feeling that everyone seemed to preach it was hopeless and leave. But as I learned more (here, therapy and Al-Anon) I realized that I had normalized stuff that just wasn't normal. Right now I feel the kids and I are safe but I have a plan and have stashed some money just in case.

ajarlson

I suppose if I had this forum 15 years ago, I too would have been angry and depressed as it does seem that the answer is to not allow the abuse to take place. Even though I do wish sometimes that I had the ability to leave him earlier, I also realize that everything I did, I did for my kids. When he was a functioning alcoholic the kids were small and I was a stay at home mom. I felt pretty helpless with 4 kids to take care of, and he wasn't THAT bad. When he got worse, the kids were older and I had a job. I kicked him into rehab and didn't let him come home until he had been sober for almost a year. It was a tough year. Full time job, four kids, after school care, day care, kids taking care of kids. I let him come home and he stayed sober-ish for quite a while but emotionally I was done with him so every day was weighing the scales and every day up until the last 3 years it came up better that he stayed. If I had left him, I feel certain he would not have held up his end of any child support agreement that was reached. He was also insanely possessive and would not have let me go, I know that. It was actually safer for me and the kids to keep him under watch and make him think the marriage was real. It wasn't, for a very long time. When my youngest started high school I told him he had until she turned 18 to turn his life around and prove we were his priority. He got worse. I recorded all his rants (a VERY good idea BTW and you don't have to let him know) and when she turned 18 I got a restraining order and moved out of the house into a condo. I had been planning it for a long time and could have gotten out sooner if I needed to, he didn't start turning physically abusive until the very end when I left. Moral of the story, everyone is in a different place, I sacrificed a lot of years for my children and I am now living a very happy life. Someone else might have a spouse that actually gets better. Someone else may need to get out immediately. Just be aware that your little girl didn't ask to be brought into this world, she didn't ask for an alcoholic dad, but that is what she has and you're probably the only one that can help her get through it. My kids may be in counseling and on anti depressants but they are seriously GREAT people. There is always hope.

marie1960

Thinking it's time to start documenting all of your AH behavior.

Not to alarm you, simply sharing, but very recently in my neck of the woods, a child was removed from BOTH parents custody, yes the mother had a drinking/drug problem, but the judge/family court system, came down quite hard on the father, citing he had a legal obligation to protect the child and in the courts eyes he failed. The 3 year old child was found walking around the shopping center parking lot, wearing only a pull-up. I am certain this wasn't the first offense, (and dad's claim that he was at work, was not accepted by the court) can you see how you could also be held legally liable for the safety and well being of your child?

This drinking and driving is serious. Dead is dead, there are no do over's or second chances. Repeat, start documenting all of his unacceptable actions.

Please protect your child and yourself, she is counting on you to keep her safe.

changeneeded

Welcome, Shake... sorry to meet you under such circumstances. I'm glad the forum is helpful to you; it's helpful to me as well. Isn't it funny how reading other people's stories sound like your own? At least, reading other's stories make me realize I'm not as crazy as he says I am. Maybe just a little, hehe.

As my usual ways are, I read your post and went to the bottom to post in response, so if I repeat others, lets looking at it as re-emphasizing the thoughts. At this moment, my husband is at a Solstice party. Ha! Anything to get together with friends and "have a few drinks." I'm not very good at math, apparently, because a few to me is three.....

He took our employees out to lunch for Christmas and more than likely had a couple of Margaritas. His good friends wife hosts Solstice parties, and we receive and invitation. I don't like to go because, as you.... I am tired of babysitting. I've told him that as well. His answer is always: "Well, relax and have a drink, we'll take a cab home." Ya know, if this was something that rarely happened, I might consider. But, like you I have no interest in watching my husband offended people, talk loudly, and just be annoying. I guess I'm the only one it really bothers because these people don't live with him.

So, I told him No, I didn't want to go, I was going to stay home and wrap presents. His response was that I am "so anti-social." He's right, again..... I don't want to go out and do party scene like we did years ago. You'd think he'd grow up.

(((hugs to you))) Welcome