mineral

Hey everyone, I don't really have anyone in my life I feel comfortable talking about this with, but I found this website and figure maybe someone here could give me some advice.

First a little background, although you can skip this paragraph if you don't feel like reading it. I'm 25, been sober from heroin for 17 months. I used for about two years and was doing oxy before that. I snorted it mostly then moved to the needle about a month before I quit. I quickly realized it was going downhill so I went to my parents who were shocked and asked for some help. Got into rehab for a month and I feel lucky to say I've been sober since. I did NA a little bit but it wasn't for me and stopped going a few months out of rehab. I almost feel bad saying this or like someone will think it's a lie, but I haven't had a big problems with cravings once I got out of rehab. I think I hit my bottom and definitely went into rehab with no other thoughts on my mind then quitting. This may also sound crazy, but in NA and the outpatient I did for three months post-rehab, I sometimes felt like I had trouble relating to people because I haven't had an epic struggle between good-evil going on in my head. Not that heroin hasn't crossed my mind but it's never been serious.

Anyway, my question is on relationships. If you looked at me even when I was an addict, you wouldn't think I was one and certainly not now. I had the obvious money/dope sick issues but it wasn't apparent in looking at me or interacting with me. I've got an OK job now, went back to school and have about two regular semesters and one summer semester before I graduate.

My problem is with the girls I meet, although I don't think I'm bad looking or have a bad personality I've never been great with girls, I think I'm shy and way too introspective for my own good by nature. And since I've been sober I haven't had a serious or even close to a serious relationship. I'm really worried about getting close to a girl and what to tell them about being an addict and how to even bring that up. The girls I have met have been at school, or friends of people at my school or some old friends from high school I also hid my addiction from (and still do really). Not that they wouldn't or couldn't be understanding, but I doubt any I've met have any experience with this and I am afraid of freaking them out. I can get close to people pretty easily and I feel like if they get to know me I could give myself a fighting chance when I break the news.

Honestly I kind of feel like minimizing it and telling them I was addicted to opiate pills. Would this be horrible? They'd know, I just think the heroin word would scare them. If we became really serious I'm sure they'd ask about it and feel like I'd tell them eventually but I do not like lying to people any longer (I did enough of that as an active addict), at the same time I still want to be happy and not scare away girls that I really like. A lot of the ones I've met are smart and pretty girls and I think sometimes I also sabotage myself by thinking I'm damaged goods, although that's probably true in a way in many people's minds.

I'm sorry this is so long, thanks in advance to anyone who reads it and/or responds.

mejo

Idk, I feel like if you start to become close with a girl, the sooner the better to tell them that you are a RA.

Just my 2 cents.

denphen

My husband didn't tell me until we were married and I was almost ready to have our son..I caught him. Come clean now. He told me pieces but never fully. I think it's not good to start out with distrust. The right woman will love you no matter what. And congrats on being clean.

Xtreem

My view is slightly different -

I don't think you should ever rush into telling anyone, short of being in a N.A. meeting, etc.

People come and go in our lives and I think we to quickly and readily give out personal information that can be withheld until you get to know that person better. I have told people things that they latter used against me, my addiction/alcoholism is one. Keep in mind - this is only in part about you being honest, the other half is about what they do with the information and your trust... make sure they are trustworthy also.

Please remember - you can always say "yes, I did have a problem with overdoing drugs/alcohol at one point, but don't do that anymore, I'll tell you more about that latter.

I do think they have every right to know and if you ever get serious with someone you should know intuitively the right time to tell them. I would say somewhere between the first date and having sex. I'm old school and don't think people should have sex for at least a few months into the dating/relationship. haha

As with all dating and relationships they seem to run a course ... at one point in there we seem to discuss more private matters - number of past partners, etc. that would probably be the point to interject something.

BTW - good job on getting and staying clean so far ;-)

denphen

I agree you don't have to say hi I'm Bob and I am a recovering addict. However it's better to say I struggled with something than to sugarcoat the struggle. Because of it becomes serious and you come fully clean it really can cause a distrust.

Hope7726

As someone who unknowingly dated a heroin addict for a year, I urge you to be honest sooner than later. My ex had relpased on pills (after 8.5 years clean) several months into our relationship. I knew he was acting crazy and something was wrong but I never suspected drugs. So imagine my shock that he was using, and then add the atomic bomb - he was a heroin addict. I can't even describe how hurtful and shocking that news was after thinking I really knew him and talking about marriage. And I had to hear it from his mom.

I understand the fear of being judged and yes, the word heroin scares the hell out of a lot of people (myself included), but the longer you keep that a secret, the more difficult it will be to come clean about it. I don't suggest downplaying it either. That's what my ex did ("I got into some trouble with drugs when I was like 20, but I don't do that stuff anymore.") and it made learning the truth that much more infuriating.

I agree that you don't need to tell the girl on your first date but you can't get serious with anyone without telling her. I really wish my ex hadn't decided for me that I didn't need to know. He should have given me a choice. And honestly, if he had told me a few months in when we started to become serious, and I knew he had been clean for a long time and was still clean, I would have stayed. I didn't know much about addiction or heroin but I knew he was a good guy and I loved him. And I would have respected his honesty about such a difficult subject. But starting a relationship based on a huge lie is never a good thing.

cleaninLI

First of all welcome! And congrats on your 17 months! That's awesome!

My view is probably not a popular one, but I really don't see the good in ever telling that person. Since you are the person asking this question and NOT your future GF, then I will give you my honest opinion keeping YOUR best interest in mind. There is a huge difference between lying about something and confessing something from your past. If you've built a solid recovery and continue on that path then what's in your past is better left in your past. You may be feeling guilty about it, if that's the case, then discuss that with a counselor....But do not let your past addiction define who you are today. Your GF should be judging you on who you are today....what type of person she sees thru your present and future interactions with her....not by what you've done in the past. Because I know many women who would not be able to handle that type of discussion. They might pretend to be supportive, but in the back of their minds they will worry and wonder if and when you will relapse. It will marinate in their minds and could become their main focus. In fact, it could very well become a serious issue in your relationship. She may become very suspicious and unable to trust you....even when there is no cause for it. If things don't work out, she may use it against you. I've seen that play out too. You break-up with her, she gets upset and starts blabbing it to people you know....happened to a co-worker of mine. He is a teacher and lost his job as a result of it. I would not put something that could effect my career or my future happiness into the hands of just anyone.

Just like I don't think it's good for a woman to tell her boyfriend how many men she's slept with in the past....especially if it was a lot. It can totally ruin the relationship....seen that happen too. The past is the past...leave it in the past.

As long as you are healthy and do not carry a disease that could be spread to her...as that changes everything.

But,
If after many months/years of dating and if things get really serious and you are positive this is the woman you will marry...and you know her real well and are positive she will not use your confession against you...then if you want to tell her it's ok.

Just HMO.

four812

What would you want her to do if it was her that's the addict?

BlueChair

My husband had problems with drugs when he was in college.I met him several years later when it was no longer an issue for him. He did tell me about it, but our relationship had developed slowly and it was after trust had been built, as we both began to share more personal things about our life, and knew the relationship was serious for both of us.

To be honest, it didnt phase me too much because people do a lot experimentation in college, but he shared some very serious side effects / negative consequences of his using and it did alert me to understanding drug use and partying had been a serious problem.

Last year about 8 years after those college days, we are a married couple now, good life, an old friend from college came around and my husband tried using again with him. Coke, with other things heroin was one of them. I didnt know he was using, but he started injecting after a while and as you can probably imagine things took a turn for the worse. He was really sick, but nothing he said could have prepared me for that anyway. I didnt know what to do, but his parents did, and he got good treatment, went to rehab this time. No meetings or anything, but used counseling after he got out. He has almost the same amount of time as you, and is doing good.

I wouldnt change anything had I known last year would happen. I love my husband, he's an amazing man, and Im proud of his resilence. We dont use the term addict, because it doesnt fit. He is a mix of many great qualities and personal attributes, and we view the drug addiction as more a medical problem, and both understand he just cant use drugs.

Ive never used drugs myself, but if someone was currently using then I would want to know this info. If someone was working on recovery and this was a big part of their life then as we got to know each other I would want to know this too. I like the way my husband told me of his past because it evolved naturally.

Ive learned this past year there is a lot of stigma around addiction, and only a very few people know what happened to my husband last year. I dont think its safe to talk about it in many situations, especially with work, and social circle considerations.

Pallas

I am 26, and still battling a heroin addiction, and all I can really say is that it pays to be honest...to the right people. Get to know them first and try to feel out the situation. If they are cool and understanding and seem to really like you, they should be able to overlook your past. Just don't keep your past addiction a secret too long, because they will lose trust for you. If they can't handle your past then they probably aren't a good match anyways. If it's meant to be, they'll help you through your recovery and be understanding.

mineral

THANK YOU to everyone for the kind words!! I am grateful to all of you for your thoughts on this and thank you for your time in reading it and responds Much love guys and girls. I am going to respond to you all here. So I may repeat myself a little in responses or spread out all my thoughts over the different posts.


I do want to tell them. I wouldn't act as if nothing ever happened. But how much detail I go into and whether I bring up the big H[eroin] word is still undecided to me.

Are you an addict yourself? If not, what do you think would have happened had he told you in the beginning, would you still have dated him? I know that is a hard question to answer after the fact, especially since he's now your husband and father of your child, but I'd appreciate it if you could try.

Also I am thinking of just mentioning opiates in general and saying I was addicted to pills, which wouldn't be a lie in general although maybe a lie of omission.

I really like your advice on saying something but maybe leaving the details for later. Your thinking and fears pretty much are what I am thinking too.

I myself also like to wait awhile for sex, I think it's better that way and you can get closer in the mean time. I think it ends up making the sex mean more and also makes it more fun .

I also have fears of people knowing whom I do not want to know. I know/knew some people who would love to give their life story to the first person they met, want to tell them all about their addiction, etc... that is NOT me. I love getting close with people and talking about all kinds of things, but I'd rather people get to know me as a person before hearing my life story (both with good things and bad).

I don't really want to sugar coat the fact that I abused drugs, I just really don't want to get into the *heroin* word. I'd rather talk about opiate pills I think.

That's solid advice and essentially your story is what I wouldn't want to do with someone. What would you think if, a few months in, your husband had told you about his past but left out the heroin part, then later on when you were truly serious told you about the heroin?

I don't want to lie to anyone but I also want to give myself a fighting chance.

Thank you for the welcome and congrats! 2.5 years ago this would have seemed like a miracle to me, but here I am!

I liked a lot of what you said. I do not like the "addict" word, it's something I do not want to be labeled by. And I think that's part of the crux of my issue here. With just regular people and old friends or distant family, it'd just be embarrassing. With a potential relationship it'd be less about embarrassment then them feeling differently about me.

I don't want to be looked at as a cracked egg or someone teetering on the brink of a black hole. I agree with all the medical/scientific/spiritual thinking of addiction and all I've been taught about it and know I could never use again and all the dangers of it. But I try to avoid labeling myself (let alone having others label me) as an addict. Maybe it's just semantics, but I want to move past that period of my life. It's a little bit of the reason why I got turned off of NA... there's no way I want this revolving at the forefront of my mind for the rest of my life.

A great question. Obviously now I would like them to tell me especially now as an addict. And I think I would have before I was an addict too. However the horrible truth of the matter is that I probably would have been scared away if I don't know what I know now.

I don't want to brush this under the rug with someone I'm serious with. But I also don't want to terrify them with the heroin usage. There's such a stigma and I feel like since I've carved out my own niche of recovery and learned what it means to me and am doing well, I don't want to sabotage myself. I feel like I'd tell them eventually I just don't want to immediately scare someone off so I feel like I'd rather tell them about using opiate pills first and probably eventually get around to the heroin aspect of it.

Like I said above, I too don't like the term "addict" because it's not something I want to be labeled by. I don't feel like it fits me any longer. I think I am in a strong place and although I know EXACTLY what would happen if I started to use again (and that medically my brain will always be wired a certain way) I don't want it to define me as a person.

I think I've really avoided anything serious this past year and a half because I wanted to devote myself to recovery and didn't want to drag someone into it or have to go through the process with them. I won't deny my drug usage with someone I meet but I want to address it in a few that isn't going to sabotage everything... probably in a piecemeal way.

Thanks for you post it has been helpful

Good luck to you my friend. I'm almost your age and I know if I can do it you can! Like I said above, it would've seemed a miracle to me 2.5 years ago to be where I am at now but really it's been a lot less miraculous and a lot more tedious.

I agree with what you've said. I pretty much think the same thing. And you mentioned something I haven't really thought of; that they could help me through it all and be understanding. It would indeed be nice to have someone close to talk with about all this stuff. These days I don't really feel like I'm in a troubled place with my recovery... I know where I stand in my mind with my recovery and feel like I'm on solid ground with my addiction. But having someone to talk to about some of the things I went through in it and probably some of things that it felt nice to block out while being high, would be nice.

Lostinhk

Hey mate,

First off, I know exactly what you mean about not having cravings and believe you 100%. Coming off cods I didn't even have cravings during the absolute worst of my withdrawals.

Regarding relationships... All I can say is try to relax. Be yourself, and don't feel pressure to tell anyone you are an RA. Wait until you find someone you trust and are comfortable with, and if they are a nice person they'll accept it and be sensitive to it.

All the best mate.

ubntubnt

Good question. My initial reaction is to want to know as much as possible so as to be in a position to be able to make as informed a decision as possible.

But hang on a second. Am I entitled to know everything about her past? Of course not. Actually, what I would want to know is that I can trust her and that she loves me and that if there is anything that she feels I need to know then she will feel comfortble enough to tell me. Then I would leave it to her and give myself some peace. The reverse would also be true. In this case being sober for a year and a half I would not say that was something that she would immediately need to know but if we got to the point where we were to get engaged and therefore make a life commitment, have kids etc I think that it would be something that I would want to discuss with her and I would be brutally honest in the discussion. When you are asking a girl to spend the rest of her life with you and/or having a family with you I think that something like a her ion addiction, albeit 17 months ago, is something that needs to be on the table.

mineral

Cool, it's good to hear someone with a similar experience. I don't think I've met anyone else who seemed to have done so well in regards to cravings. It's good to know others exist out there

Yeah, I hope/think they would be. It's just scary to me as it's not something I have experience in, even in active addiction I would hide it from everyone except those I used with... literally no one else knew and I wanted it that way. Some people don't mind talking about it but that's not been me. I had one friend who loved talking about his addiction, although the funny/sad part was that he'd tell people about how great he was doing in recovery while we were high. I remember one time we went to this bar and we were goin into the bathroom to snort dope and he was telling the bartender he knew how great he was doing. I saw him again a few months ago, he told me how great he was doing... while slurring his words, stumbling around and with pinpoint eyes. I called him on it and he told me he had done some but it was llike 30 hours ago when I could tell at least from his eyes it'd probably been 30 minutes ago. Not only a shameless liar to someone he KNEW would know better, but also a terrible one

Anyway, some people are without shame but that is certainly not me! Took me like two weeks to muster the courage to tell my parents, so it's not something I'm looking forward to with future girlfriends that don't even exist yet!

mineral

This isn't so much a question about someone I'm marrying, but someone I've just started to date (who doesn't exist yet BTW, still single but I'm trying to think ahead on this as I'm worried about it and want to have a plan... I like planning ahead ).

I do think there are skeletons in everyone's closet that they wouldn't even tell their spouse. But one this big, I would never hide... although some of the smaller skeletons surrounding it and the things I did I may not get into. I mean if we knew everything, truly EVERYTHING, about a partner we'd probably regret wanting to know all of it. If my proverbial spouse asked me any questions about it I wouldn't lie. I just think there's some stuff that doesn't need to be bought up.

I'll share about my addiction to heroin before I marry someone. I'll certainly share before then but I don't know if I'll get into the heroin portion of it and more of the details of my 'regrets' with it all until I'd be at a point where I'd want to get married to them. I will share, but maybe sugar coat it a little bit with saying it was to pills (which wouldn't be a lie)... eventually getting around to the big H word later on.

And I hope ya aren't making fun of my 17 months! haha, I know it's not that long and probably stupid to count the months like that.... I just wanted to demonstrate that I'm in the not-so-immediate stage of recovery now.