Congrats on One Year Croissant!! :)
Keep going, it keeps getting better. Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Thanks for starting the thread Dee
Thank you all for your well wishes. The 1 year anniversary itself was a really poignant day, where by co-incidence, I had so many things happen, that just made me so grateful to have made this commitment to stay sober. Anyway, I wanted to start a thread to post the below, in the hopes it might give someone who is just starting their journey, some hope.
1 April
I've started writing this in the week before my 1 year anniversary.
It's been a long journey that did not magically happen 12 months ago. My first stint at giving this a shot was back on July 26, 2013. I woke up so sick and disgusted with myself for calling in sick with a hangover for about the millionth time. The lie I concocted, and the sympathy in the message from my Manager was too much to bear - I'd become a stranger to myself, compromising all the values I held dear. And that was the catalyst, lying there miserable and sick, 20 kilos overweight, feeling like a loser, accepting the liar and manipulator I'd become to cover my secret life - I dragged my sorry self downstairs and started a journey. I was finally ready to face that alcohol had ruined my life, was close to taking my career and had left me with pretty much a mess of a private life.
If I think back to that day, I know I downloaded as many books as I could on how to get sober....1 day without alcohol, let alone 30 days in a row - well, I couldn't even think about 30. But I did know this all had to change. If anything was left of the real me, it was that feeling deep down that I was living half a life, hiding from everyone, juggling every day, every event, around drinking.
I managed to put nearly 90 days together, when a crisp, Spring day fooled me into thinking a glass of champagne was ok. And it was - or so I thought. How many times since, have I read threads here where people say, "oh, I just had one", "I just had 2 and could easily put it down", "it was just a slip"....the reality is, watch those people. More times than not, they disappear, or within a few months, they are actively drinking, calling it "moderating", or worse, telling themselves, "I've got this under control". Or there are the ones who just plain lie until they are ready to face the truth they are still actively drinking.
So, long story short, I played that game near to my first 90 days. 1 drink. "Fine" 2 weeks later, a bottle after a bad day at work. 2 days later, started a 2 week bender that had me hallucinating and close to suicidal and shocked at how hard alcohol had gripped me back. I started to get really scared.
Then went 120 days sober, determined again to stop forever. A death in the family...= 2 drinks = 2 more months of drinking, where I told myself "I slipped".
Then went 8 months sober. But deep down - not that I was planning to drink again; I just felt that little niggle I was missing out from time to time. It did pass. But this period was fraught with many tests, socially. It felt awkward to not drink, to refuse a social engagement, or worse - refuse a drink in public. And that's what brought me spiralling down. 1 glass on New Years 2014, under duress. I was fine afterwards. This feeling fine afterwards was niggling me. Poking at my ego, because hey, you can drink one and leave it for a few weeks. This sobriety thing is mucking with you. One here and there could just be ok for you. Just don't buy a bottle and you may just be fine? Hmm, I'm gonna think about that, but I will be good in between. My friends party, I have a few. Although deep down I would have liked a few more, but hey, I go straight home, and no thoughts of stopping at the bottlo on the way.
The next bit is the best. I actually threw half a glass away a few weeks later, after my friends party. Geez, I'm not fanging for this stuff at all anymore (warning: most dangerous thought ever, for any alcoholic - sober or otherwise). Work party a week or so later - starts alright, I've got this one or two drink business sorted! Totally got this. Oh, we are going to a club afterwards? Great!
Blacked out, don't remember getting home, set the smoke alarms off with food burning in the oven. OK...I will just drink quietly at home from now on. On the weekends. Within 4 weeks I was drinking daily. Showing up to work rough as. The final straw? I finished a contract and had to show up at my new employer to get a brief on the Thursday before Easter last year. I drank heavily the night before, well into 2am or so, to "celebrate" finishing my old contract (of course). Sitting there, in the new workplace, head throbbing, with the guilt and shame washing over me, it was as if my mind suddenly remembered the last time this had happened, where the shame was too much to bear, was way back on that very first day of sobriety, calling in to work and lying on July 26, 2013. And suddenly, there it was, I couldn't avoid it anymore. After 21 months of dancing with drinking, I had made no progress in controlling my use of alcohol. Alcohol was owning me as much as it always had.
It was time to accept there was no more dancing with the idea I could allow alcohol into my life or thoughts. That I could no longer associate it with anything positive when it came to me, that those thoughts were dangerous and not true. Alcohol was not positive. And even when it felt positive, that was a lie....it really does just wait, and then the next thing you know, you are that rat, back on the wheel.
I've learned a lot. The very first 30 days, I never wish to go through again. Be organised, plan ahead, have food ready, an activity ready when you get home from work. I bought an exercise bike, and some days it was all I could do to get myself on it to just ride and exhaust myself so I wouldn't walk to the shop and buy alcohol. The first 30 days after a relapse....worse, cos you forgot how hard you fought for the first 30. Don't be an idiot. Do it once and be done with it, if you can. But as I've also learned, us alcoholics don't do "common sense" very well.
Hardest lesson to Learn - Life did not magically owe me anything because I chose to get sober. I still had to "make" good stuff happen in my life. And, bad stuff was still going to happen. Feeling whiny and bratty just isn't going to cut it for long term happiness in sobriety
Negative thought processes were vital for the addiction to thrive. Beware of these as you move forward. Question every time you feel bad, are things really bad, stressful, etc. or is it an echo of past behaviour? I find I can do it still, beat up on myself for work, my colleagues annoying me...the list goes on. Nip it in the bud. And if the stress or challenge really is real, tackle it, get through it.
Last of all, cry, feel sad, or angry, or whatever. I used to make time in the shower to "talk out" my day. And once I was out, work was left at work, and peace was mine to have. But I had to choose peace deliberately. Journalling also helped to track my time, see that I could cope with a bad day, talk it out to myself, rationalise (or not!), but that record of, "I can stay sober through real tough stuff" was important. It told me I could do this.
Don't tell me you are different, and I don't understand your circumstances. That 2 1/2 years I lost a step parent, a job, I had to leave my home because I could not afford it with sporadic work, I had to sell things just to pay basic bills or buy food. There are days and days in my journal where I've written "what is this all for", "why me"....notes where I practically gave up hope, but I knew life would not just let me wither if I kept going. I had to keep going. This all did not happen overnight, nothing worth fighting for happens quickly. That's the biggest lesson we have to relearn....there is no quick fix in life, ever. Not a real and lasting fix, anyway....those take time and diligence, and you better show up and give it your best shot and protect yourself every moment you can from thinking you can drink, because you can't. It's the plain and simple truth, or you wouldn't be here.
If you have read this to the end, are new to sobriety and are doubting or losing hope, get back up and do this - do it like you've done nothing else in your life before, because the alternative is losing the beautiful person you were meant to be - and that in itself is worth discovering, trust me.
1 April
I've started writing this in the week before my 1 year anniversary.
It's been a long journey that did not magically happen 12 months ago. My first stint at giving this a shot was back on July 26, 2013. I woke up so sick and disgusted with myself for calling in sick with a hangover for about the millionth time. The lie I concocted, and the sympathy in the message from my Manager was too much to bear - I'd become a stranger to myself, compromising all the values I held dear. And that was the catalyst, lying there miserable and sick, 20 kilos overweight, feeling like a loser, accepting the liar and manipulator I'd become to cover my secret life - I dragged my sorry self downstairs and started a journey. I was finally ready to face that alcohol had ruined my life, was close to taking my career and had left me with pretty much a mess of a private life.
If I think back to that day, I know I downloaded as many books as I could on how to get sober....1 day without alcohol, let alone 30 days in a row - well, I couldn't even think about 30. But I did know this all had to change. If anything was left of the real me, it was that feeling deep down that I was living half a life, hiding from everyone, juggling every day, every event, around drinking.
I managed to put nearly 90 days together, when a crisp, Spring day fooled me into thinking a glass of champagne was ok. And it was - or so I thought. How many times since, have I read threads here where people say, "oh, I just had one", "I just had 2 and could easily put it down", "it was just a slip"....the reality is, watch those people. More times than not, they disappear, or within a few months, they are actively drinking, calling it "moderating", or worse, telling themselves, "I've got this under control". Or there are the ones who just plain lie until they are ready to face the truth they are still actively drinking.
So, long story short, I played that game near to my first 90 days. 1 drink. "Fine" 2 weeks later, a bottle after a bad day at work. 2 days later, started a 2 week bender that had me hallucinating and close to suicidal and shocked at how hard alcohol had gripped me back. I started to get really scared.
Then went 120 days sober, determined again to stop forever. A death in the family...= 2 drinks = 2 more months of drinking, where I told myself "I slipped".
Then went 8 months sober. But deep down - not that I was planning to drink again; I just felt that little niggle I was missing out from time to time. It did pass. But this period was fraught with many tests, socially. It felt awkward to not drink, to refuse a social engagement, or worse - refuse a drink in public. And that's what brought me spiralling down. 1 glass on New Years 2014, under duress. I was fine afterwards. This feeling fine afterwards was niggling me. Poking at my ego, because hey, you can drink one and leave it for a few weeks. This sobriety thing is mucking with you. One here and there could just be ok for you. Just don't buy a bottle and you may just be fine? Hmm, I'm gonna think about that, but I will be good in between. My friends party, I have a few. Although deep down I would have liked a few more, but hey, I go straight home, and no thoughts of stopping at the bottlo on the way.
The next bit is the best. I actually threw half a glass away a few weeks later, after my friends party. Geez, I'm not fanging for this stuff at all anymore (warning: most dangerous thought ever, for any alcoholic - sober or otherwise). Work party a week or so later - starts alright, I've got this one or two drink business sorted! Totally got this. Oh, we are going to a club afterwards? Great!
Blacked out, don't remember getting home, set the smoke alarms off with food burning in the oven. OK...I will just drink quietly at home from now on. On the weekends. Within 4 weeks I was drinking daily. Showing up to work rough as. The final straw? I finished a contract and had to show up at my new employer to get a brief on the Thursday before Easter last year. I drank heavily the night before, well into 2am or so, to "celebrate" finishing my old contract (of course). Sitting there, in the new workplace, head throbbing, with the guilt and shame washing over me, it was as if my mind suddenly remembered the last time this had happened, where the shame was too much to bear, was way back on that very first day of sobriety, calling in to work and lying on July 26, 2013. And suddenly, there it was, I couldn't avoid it anymore. After 21 months of dancing with drinking, I had made no progress in controlling my use of alcohol. Alcohol was owning me as much as it always had.
It was time to accept there was no more dancing with the idea I could allow alcohol into my life or thoughts. That I could no longer associate it with anything positive when it came to me, that those thoughts were dangerous and not true. Alcohol was not positive. And even when it felt positive, that was a lie....it really does just wait, and then the next thing you know, you are that rat, back on the wheel.
I've learned a lot. The very first 30 days, I never wish to go through again. Be organised, plan ahead, have food ready, an activity ready when you get home from work. I bought an exercise bike, and some days it was all I could do to get myself on it to just ride and exhaust myself so I wouldn't walk to the shop and buy alcohol. The first 30 days after a relapse....worse, cos you forgot how hard you fought for the first 30. Don't be an idiot. Do it once and be done with it, if you can. But as I've also learned, us alcoholics don't do "common sense" very well.
Hardest lesson to Learn - Life did not magically owe me anything because I chose to get sober. I still had to "make" good stuff happen in my life. And, bad stuff was still going to happen. Feeling whiny and bratty just isn't going to cut it for long term happiness in sobriety
Negative thought processes were vital for the addiction to thrive. Beware of these as you move forward. Question every time you feel bad, are things really bad, stressful, etc. or is it an echo of past behaviour? I find I can do it still, beat up on myself for work, my colleagues annoying me...the list goes on. Nip it in the bud. And if the stress or challenge really is real, tackle it, get through it.
Last of all, cry, feel sad, or angry, or whatever. I used to make time in the shower to "talk out" my day. And once I was out, work was left at work, and peace was mine to have. But I had to choose peace deliberately. Journalling also helped to track my time, see that I could cope with a bad day, talk it out to myself, rationalise (or not!), but that record of, "I can stay sober through real tough stuff" was important. It told me I could do this.
Don't tell me you are different, and I don't understand your circumstances. That 2 1/2 years I lost a step parent, a job, I had to leave my home because I could not afford it with sporadic work, I had to sell things just to pay basic bills or buy food. There are days and days in my journal where I've written "what is this all for", "why me"....notes where I practically gave up hope, but I knew life would not just let me wither if I kept going. I had to keep going. This all did not happen overnight, nothing worth fighting for happens quickly. That's the biggest lesson we have to relearn....there is no quick fix in life, ever. Not a real and lasting fix, anyway....those take time and diligence, and you better show up and give it your best shot and protect yourself every moment you can from thinking you can drink, because you can't. It's the plain and simple truth, or you wouldn't be here.
If you have read this to the end, are new to sobriety and are doubting or losing hope, get back up and do this - do it like you've done nothing else in your life before, because the alternative is losing the beautiful person you were meant to be - and that in itself is worth discovering, trust me.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,801
I don't have the words to adequately express how I feel after reading that Crois.
Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to put all of that into words, and for sharing your journey with all of us.
Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to put all of that into words, and for sharing your journey with all of us.
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