ccam1973

Good for you Jim on posting. Like others have said it's never too late. You've got the power to change! You deserve this for you.

Lean on us as much as you need. We are here to help each other beat this! You can do it.

Saskia

Jim, I'm so glad to see you post again. You are far from alone in this struggle. Please stay here and keep reading and posting. I know how embarrassing it can feel to relapse - it's happened to most if not all of us. The best thing we can do is to keep working on it. I remember when you started the March 2013 thread and know that we would all welcome you back. Or any of the other threads here - wherever you feel works best for you!

1Dayatatyme

IDK, Jim, but this sounds like a perfect time to quit drinking. That feeling of relief, the release of all that anxiety and tension that you have been carrying as you waited for the decision... you can now sleep easily... if you put down the bottle.
As a fellow Marcher, I came back, and I timed putting down the bottle with the sense of relief I felt when retiring from my full time job.
And that was back in October... I am still sober. Build upon that sense of freedom and that feeling that the future is possible... this is the day!

JimJim

Pff it certainly is humbling to read your kind replies. I do cringe at my own posts when I read them back. I had to listen to Idiot Wind, as mentioned by a dear old chap here last time, so that I could laugh hysterically at myself, diluting the cringefest.

.I don't care what those folks are doing, I just ended a drinkfest on Facebook, which og course I deleted a couple years ago. I need to draw a line though and move forward with my lilfe. I'm finding it hard not to get lost looking back you know?

I don't doubt that getting sober is a prioty, my ultimate goal is complete abstinence but I've I havent managed it over the last few years.

So, It's always a mind screw being on here, I can be certain that the way I'm thinking here is probably not the right one and I can almost hear your sighs before you read my posts, there's so many wise folks here

But here goes, This is good news and gives me a goal, goals are important. I think employment is important and Ive been unemployed for three years now. Being a radiographer gives me a sense of identity, it did. Riding out the last several months not knowing whether I would be struck off the register was difficult for me. I drank a whole lot...

... Actually, I don't wanna start over analysing every damn thing again and what I'm doing or have done to stay sober, what I've tried and what I haven't. I'm tapering on some beer today and will sleep this off.

I'm back here though, which I think is good and it feels good too.

JimJim

:^Yeh I definately need a clearer head. Ill go sing Idiot Wind for the rest of today.

Alynn

Jim we've all been there! Doesn't take much tj turn things around though. Like Dee said life is way less chaotic being sober!

trachemys

Jim, I don't care if you quit drinking or don't. That may or may not be your solution. You obviously have, and admit to, problems. Time to fix 'em.

JimJim

Im gonna get in touch with some folks on here. I've been all kinds of vile and toxic, weird and absent. There's some good folks who have given up on me here, which is understandable, I couldn't really engage in the state i've been in, It must seem through my lack of response as though I don't listen, which isn't true. There's a change I can commit right there.

Saskia

Jim, none of us is hopeless until we breathe our last. The AV is a clever, cunning and dastardly beast. It messes with our thinking. When those of us who are alcoholics drink, the beast takes over. Then, imho, we can easily fall into a downward spiral. Get whatever help you need to do this. I've always had a very hard time asking for help because I've felt so horribly embarrassed. It's still far from easy but I have been met with very kind help.

Gilmer

We like you, Jim, and we are glad to hear you, no matter how you feel.

SoberLeigh

Great to see you, JimJim.

EndGameNYC

Though I haven't responded to your recent threads, I haven't given up on you, Jim.

Over time, it's become difficult for me to engage in your considerable suffering. I'm no hero, and it does take its toll. The many times that you've given up on yourself are both real and wrenching.

The courage and the strength to change is within all of us, and we tend to find it only in our own way. Resistance to the hard-won wisdom of others and what they did to achieve that wisdom and all that comes with it is only natural for someone in your circumstances. Sadly, that resistance, and the misery it breeds, often becomes the only thing that we can truly rely on. You are far from alone in this on SR. I can tell you with certainty that comparing yourself to your peers or to what you expected of yourself at this point in your life is a death trap that only erodes your capacity to live a better life. Something different needs to be tried. Very few people find a way to take this to heart.

Making smaller, seemingly trivial changes will help you to find that strength, but you'll only come to know this by doing something. The recommendations of others are often taken as reminders of how far we've fallen, but they also offer a way out. I'm not saying that you're not doing anything or that you're not putting in the work. But hard work alone is rarely enough for us to get to a better place.

The quote by psychologist and philosopher William James in my sig was born of a lifetime of personal suffering, and not a "feel good" admonition for others who suffer. It came from a life of dark and daunting struggle that was not at all tempered by his outstanding achievements. James also struggled with alcohol. "The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour." He often looked over the ledge of the ultimate sacrifice throughout his life, and suffered the kind of depression that no one who has not been through it can never appreciate.

Survival seems to require a certain amount of belief in ourselves, in the possibility of living a meaningful existence, though our own ideas of purpose in life need to be relaxed to the extent that we're open to what life provides whatever meaning it is that is available to us.

As is true of many people here, I was on the fast track to do great things in my life...Fame, fortune, status, achievement and notoriety. I short-circuited the process, drove myself to hell, and only came back after years of exquisite and withering suffering. I still did great things, but they fell short of my promise. Nowadays, I find meaning in the less notable things that I do in my life. I don't need to tell anyone what those things are or how wonderful I must be to have arrived at such a place. What's important for me is knowing what those things are and how I got there.

The only redemption that personal suffering offers is to learn from it. And to learn from our suffering means to make the best of our lives with what we have. The struggle doesn't end with sobriety; the struggle is then only more meaningful and can provide all the strength we need to build a better life.

In its own way, everything is possible when we get sober. But none of us ever gets there without embarking on the quest for meaning in our lives. The struggle itself reveals that we find meaning in the strangest places, and in ways that we were, due to our affliction, never able to appreciate.

Dee74

It's awesome to see you continuing to post Jim

D

ScottFromWI

I'm glad to see you back Jim. I am a bit sad though that you still don't view abstinence as an immediate goal and plan on tapering. You know that won't work, I hope you can find the resolve to get the help you need and the motivation to really want sobriety.