First post - Long Story - Alcohol Addiction
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: California
Posts: 18
First post - Long Story - Alcohol Addiction
Where do I start? I apologize in advance for the novel I'm about to write - I just need to get it out. I'm a 29 year old woman living with debilitating alcoholism, depression, anxiety, PTSD, BPD and anger issues.
As I type this I am horribly sick from a binge (nightly occurrence) and debating going back to the hospital.
My Dad left my Mom, my older brother and I when I was three years old. My Mom developed bipolarism, depression an eating disorder and a serious alcohol Addiction. I was 8 and my Brother was 13 when he had his first psychotic episode that lead to his hospitalization. He destroyed our house and held my mom by knife point In front of me. He was either in the hospital or with my Dad until he became homeless at 18.
Over the years I experienced horrible abuse (emotional, mental and physical) by my Mother. I witnessed her being abused by my Uncle and Brother (when he was not in the hospital he would be homeless and off his Meds for schizophrenia). I was having horrible panic attacks and was diagnosed with panic disorder, depression, PTSD and possible BPD.
The abuse at home was too much to take. One night my mother in a drunken rage attacked me with a knife. I dropped out of school at 16 and moved in with my boyfriend. I began drinking and experimenting with drugs. I had been cutting myself since the age of 13 and that was a mechanism I used to cope.
I bounced around from place to place after that - finally learning to support myself through Bartending at the age of 21. I had almost no one who cared about me other than my mother - but that relationship was horrible and my drinking partners became my only support. That's when things got worse. I learned that through drinking every day and snorting coke I could dumb my pain. At 23 I crashed my car in a Black out after work. No one was hurt - but I couldn't stop. I only stayed sober for a few months. I began blacking out half the week and I had a few bouts of DTs/ serious withdrawals/ alcohol poisoning.
After my Mother showed up at my home one night completely unrecognizable from being beaten by my Brother - I really lost it. I began using coke heavily. It wasn't until about age 25 when I quit my job, spent all my savings, moved in with my best friend and stopped doing drugs.
My Brother had a child with a homeless woman ten years ago and at age 4 my Niece was left to live with My Mother full time after my Brother was put in jail. He had showed up on my moms door step. Hungry. Tired. Completely out of it. He ended up attacking her. Chocking her almost to death, crushing her face, breaking bones in her face, holding her down and torturing her for hours. Stabbing her all over her arms, hands and head with a butcher knife. Holding her hand down and severing the tendons in the back of her hand. She escaped and we later found her windows shot out. The mother of his child had threatened to kill my Mom a few weeks prior.
My drinking got worse. I continued Bartending and that's when I started bing drinking even more to deal with the trauma and that's when it started taking an even bigger toll. I noticed myself needing to drink during the day. Needing to drink during my shifts. I was kicked out of my friends house due to a drunken fight. I had a mental break with reality at work and had to go home during my shift. I slept on my Grandma and Uncles couch for a year - then My Moms couch. Finally April of 2013 I started dating a 46 year old Man and moved in with him. He was out of work so I was supporting us.
September of last year I started having performance problems at work - I couldn't figure out simple math problems I had done millions of times ... I couldn't count my drawer. My boyfriend started working again but money was tight so I drained my savings. The house we were in was completely infested with black mold. I started having panic attacks at work And couldn't function so my boyfriend advised me to quit my job of three years. I did.
The next night I went into the ER. Tachycardia, sweating, shaking, vomiting. They knocked me out and kept me in the cardiology department for 5 days. I detoxed. I never followed up. Two weeks later I was drinking again. This time I was home all day alone. Depressed. My boyfriend worked and brought me home my wine. I became insanely uncontrollable when drunk. Angry. Violent. Destructive. My boyfriend had a horrible Drinking problem as well. The fights got physical on both ends.
One night in late December last year my boyfriend blacked out on absinthe and tequila - I drove us home and a physical fight ensued. He choked me and threw me around. I chased him out of the house and locked him out. He punched through the window - cutting his arm slightly ... and that's when I raised the machete we kept by the door and warned him to not come inside - I was on the phone with a friend and getting a ride. He asked for his phone, keys and wallet to go sit in his truck. I agreed. The next thing I knew he had called the cops and reported being attacked with a machete. They arrested me. I spent 3 days in jail. Pretty much hell - With no one to talk to. The charges were dropped, but my depression nosedived. He quit drinking - but my heart was broken. I became so sick. Barely leaving the house now for about a year. I am up to anywhere between 2 - 4 bottles of wine per day/night. Beer. Vodka. I'm sleeping only a few hours. I pretty much stopped eating solid foods. I gained weight, got skin rashes. I know I'm killing myself.
The fights continue. More and more violent and destructive. I'm cutting myself again. I'm terrified of another hospitalization or arrest.
I'm talking to my Mother again who is raising my ten year old niece and being an abusive alcoholic with her as well. Her homeless prostitute mother still has legal custody of her and gets all the money, threatening my Mom if she tells. I want to be there for her and to help her but it's so toxic for me to be around my Mom. We fight constantly and it's horrible. I'm so angry with her. My father is absent. Chasing mail order brides and drinking himself. I've isolated from all my friends. I have only my boyfriend and our toxic/enabling relationship left. I'm 22k in debt from my hospital visit.
I don't know where to turn or what to do. I am so broken and alone. I feel like giving up. I know I'm killing myself. I gained so much weight. I don't eat. I hurt and am sick every day. I just sit at home alone numbing myself. Medicating - but it's no longer working. I don't know how to stop. I know I need help but I don't know how to get it. I'm terrified. I feel like I have nothing left. I loved nature and reading, science and writing, art and music and animals. Instead now I just drink the life out of myself. I don't want to die yet. I just don't know how to heal. I want my life back.
As I type this I am horribly sick from a binge (nightly occurrence) and debating going back to the hospital.
My Dad left my Mom, my older brother and I when I was three years old. My Mom developed bipolarism, depression an eating disorder and a serious alcohol Addiction. I was 8 and my Brother was 13 when he had his first psychotic episode that lead to his hospitalization. He destroyed our house and held my mom by knife point In front of me. He was either in the hospital or with my Dad until he became homeless at 18.
Over the years I experienced horrible abuse (emotional, mental and physical) by my Mother. I witnessed her being abused by my Uncle and Brother (when he was not in the hospital he would be homeless and off his Meds for schizophrenia). I was having horrible panic attacks and was diagnosed with panic disorder, depression, PTSD and possible BPD.
The abuse at home was too much to take. One night my mother in a drunken rage attacked me with a knife. I dropped out of school at 16 and moved in with my boyfriend. I began drinking and experimenting with drugs. I had been cutting myself since the age of 13 and that was a mechanism I used to cope.
I bounced around from place to place after that - finally learning to support myself through Bartending at the age of 21. I had almost no one who cared about me other than my mother - but that relationship was horrible and my drinking partners became my only support. That's when things got worse. I learned that through drinking every day and snorting coke I could dumb my pain. At 23 I crashed my car in a Black out after work. No one was hurt - but I couldn't stop. I only stayed sober for a few months. I began blacking out half the week and I had a few bouts of DTs/ serious withdrawals/ alcohol poisoning.
After my Mother showed up at my home one night completely unrecognizable from being beaten by my Brother - I really lost it. I began using coke heavily. It wasn't until about age 25 when I quit my job, spent all my savings, moved in with my best friend and stopped doing drugs.
My Brother had a child with a homeless woman ten years ago and at age 4 my Niece was left to live with My Mother full time after my Brother was put in jail. He had showed up on my moms door step. Hungry. Tired. Completely out of it. He ended up attacking her. Chocking her almost to death, crushing her face, breaking bones in her face, holding her down and torturing her for hours. Stabbing her all over her arms, hands and head with a butcher knife. Holding her hand down and severing the tendons in the back of her hand. She escaped and we later found her windows shot out. The mother of his child had threatened to kill my Mom a few weeks prior.
My drinking got worse. I continued Bartending and that's when I started bing drinking even more to deal with the trauma and that's when it started taking an even bigger toll. I noticed myself needing to drink during the day. Needing to drink during my shifts. I was kicked out of my friends house due to a drunken fight. I had a mental break with reality at work and had to go home during my shift. I slept on my Grandma and Uncles couch for a year - then My Moms couch. Finally April of 2013 I started dating a 46 year old Man and moved in with him. He was out of work so I was supporting us.
September of last year I started having performance problems at work - I couldn't figure out simple math problems I had done millions of times ... I couldn't count my drawer. My boyfriend started working again but money was tight so I drained my savings. The house we were in was completely infested with black mold. I started having panic attacks at work And couldn't function so my boyfriend advised me to quit my job of three years. I did.
The next night I went into the ER. Tachycardia, sweating, shaking, vomiting. They knocked me out and kept me in the cardiology department for 5 days. I detoxed. I never followed up. Two weeks later I was drinking again. This time I was home all day alone. Depressed. My boyfriend worked and brought me home my wine. I became insanely uncontrollable when drunk. Angry. Violent. Destructive. My boyfriend had a horrible Drinking problem as well. The fights got physical on both ends.
One night in late December last year my boyfriend blacked out on absinthe and tequila - I drove us home and a physical fight ensued. He choked me and threw me around. I chased him out of the house and locked him out. He punched through the window - cutting his arm slightly ... and that's when I raised the machete we kept by the door and warned him to not come inside - I was on the phone with a friend and getting a ride. He asked for his phone, keys and wallet to go sit in his truck. I agreed. The next thing I knew he had called the cops and reported being attacked with a machete. They arrested me. I spent 3 days in jail. Pretty much hell - With no one to talk to. The charges were dropped, but my depression nosedived. He quit drinking - but my heart was broken. I became so sick. Barely leaving the house now for about a year. I am up to anywhere between 2 - 4 bottles of wine per day/night. Beer. Vodka. I'm sleeping only a few hours. I pretty much stopped eating solid foods. I gained weight, got skin rashes. I know I'm killing myself.
The fights continue. More and more violent and destructive. I'm cutting myself again. I'm terrified of another hospitalization or arrest.
I'm talking to my Mother again who is raising my ten year old niece and being an abusive alcoholic with her as well. Her homeless prostitute mother still has legal custody of her and gets all the money, threatening my Mom if she tells. I want to be there for her and to help her but it's so toxic for me to be around my Mom. We fight constantly and it's horrible. I'm so angry with her. My father is absent. Chasing mail order brides and drinking himself. I've isolated from all my friends. I have only my boyfriend and our toxic/enabling relationship left. I'm 22k in debt from my hospital visit.
I don't know where to turn or what to do. I am so broken and alone. I feel like giving up. I know I'm killing myself. I gained so much weight. I don't eat. I hurt and am sick every day. I just sit at home alone numbing myself. Medicating - but it's no longer working. I don't know how to stop. I know I need help but I don't know how to get it. I'm terrified. I feel like I have nothing left. I loved nature and reading, science and writing, art and music and animals. Instead now I just drink the life out of myself. I don't want to die yet. I just don't know how to heal. I want my life back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 80
Star, it sounds like the toxic relationships are really taking their toll in addition to the drinking. Instead of cutting yourself, perhaps cut the toxic relationships. Find some help somewhere, AA is probably a good start for the drinking but perhaps it would be a good idea to consult some sort of mental health professional to help talk you through some of the family/relationship issues. There are many FREE help lines, websites etc. Some are linked on this site. One thing that won't help your situation is trying to numb the pain with booze and drugs. As you've already figured out, it doesn't solve the underlying problems and creates new ones.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Star, that is brutal.
Do you have the means to get yourself into rehab, or comprehensive counseling? If not, is AA or NA an option for you?
There is for sure hope and a future for you! But it will take some hard work on your part.
Do you have the means to get yourself into rehab, or comprehensive counseling? If not, is AA or NA an option for you?
There is for sure hope and a future for you! But it will take some hard work on your part.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome Star. Glad you found us. Like Dee said, you are not alone. We are here to help. You can make a change. A change to get your life back. You have started the process by posting here. All of us here have come to SR to battle our deamons, to fight for our lives back.
You are not alone, but you have got to want this change for you. You deserve your life back. It is within your grasp and you controll your tomorrow.
One day at a time, one hour at a time... you can do this.
You are not alone, but you have got to want this change for you. You deserve your life back. It is within your grasp and you controll your tomorrow.
One day at a time, one hour at a time... you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Star...that sounds terrible! You didn't deserve the abuse you saw and got! You didn't and it sucks! I've been there. I understand.
Here's the way I see it FINALLY.....if I look at my "family tree" in a imaginary sense, there are LOTS of black branches on it that represent all the abuse, addiction, dysfunction etc etc. I've decided that I want MY branch of the family tree to be GOLD (or at least silver...haha).
Bottom line is you (and I) have the power to make the future of our families better! We can stop the cycle of insanity! I'm up for it, are you?
You can do this! You are obviously very strong or you would have never made it this far! I believe in you!
Sober up and one day maybe you can help others get thru the hell you've gone thru! You have a purpose! There is a reason for your suffering. It's not all for nothing!
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Here's the way I see it FINALLY.....if I look at my "family tree" in a imaginary sense, there are LOTS of black branches on it that represent all the abuse, addiction, dysfunction etc etc. I've decided that I want MY branch of the family tree to be GOLD (or at least silver...haha).
Bottom line is you (and I) have the power to make the future of our families better! We can stop the cycle of insanity! I'm up for it, are you?
You can do this! You are obviously very strong or you would have never made it this far! I believe in you!
Sober up and one day maybe you can help others get thru the hell you've gone thru! You have a purpose! There is a reason for your suffering. It's not all for nothing!
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: California
Posts: 18
Thank you guys so much. It means a lot to me that you took the time to read my story and respond. I really needed the encouragement and to know that I'm not crazy for feeling ... Well crazy! Part of my problem is that most people don't even know I have a problem - I hid it so well for so long - and I have had too much pride to admit it in the past. I held it together until now but I guess admitting that these things have deeply wounded me is not a weakness. I need to try to learn to love myself - I know there's a reason I'm here. I'm glad I found this place.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by StarXI 
Thank you guys so much. It means a lot to me that you took the time to read my story and respond. I really needed the encouragement and to know that I'm not crazy for feeling ... Well crazy! Part of my problem is that most people don't even know I have a problem - I hid it so well for so long - and I have had too much pride to admit it in the past. I held it together until now but I guess admitting that these things have deeply wounded me is not a weakness. I need to try to learn to love myself - I know there's a reason I'm here. I'm glad I found this place.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 8
Glad you're here. Sorry you've had to go through so much. I'm new here tonight as well. You seem like you have to rid yourselves of toxic relationships. I'm new to trying in anyway shape or form to recover myself. But there is some help I can give, there are state funded detoxes that lead into long term rehab stays in parts of California. The only one I know of is 'Joe Healy Detox' in San Francisco. I gave up on it fast but that was my fault . All I'm saying is there are many outlets for you try out .
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Oh Star, that is heartbreaking to read. I am so sorry that you have suffered so much.
There is a better life out there for you. It won't be easy, but it is absolutely possible.
The number one requirement for this new and better life is no more alcohol or drugs. It is as simple as that. That is the first step.
You then have a lot of work to do to heal your emotional trauma and repair or rid yourself of toxic relationships that surround you. It sounds to me that you have a lot of cleaning out to do in your life.
I learned here on SR that the most important part of recovery is having a plan. You need to put together a solid list of things you will do to get better. AA is probably a great place to start. You can also start researching what free mental health services are available in your area. There should be some sort of community services board you can contact and ask what kind of help you can receive.
I know what it feels like to be at the bottom on the hole and think "how in the world will I ever get out of here" It all seems so overwhelming. But if you don't start, you'll never get out. One day at a time, one step at a time, you will improve your life.
The other day I read something fantastic that one of our fellow members, LadyinBC wrote, it really hit me. Her point is that we need to put as much effort into recovering as we put into alcohol and drug abuse.
"When I quit drinking I had to turn my thinking around. One thing I started asking myself when doing things that made me feel uncomfortable was "would I have gone to these meetings if I HAD to go in order to get drunk". And the answer was yes, I wouldn't have cared what they talked about in these meetings if I would have had to go to them to get my booze."
I hope she doesn't mind me quoting her, this is the second time in a week I have done so, but I just found it to be so powerful and obvious! The only way to get better is to reverse all the energy we were putting to go in a negative direction and turn it around to go in a positive direction. It won't be fast, it won't be easy, but it can be done.
Like I said, first things first is cutting out the drugs and alcohol. You are responsible for your new, happy life. You were abused and mistreated and not given the love and support you should have received. But you can't change that. It is time to love yourself and take care of yourself. No matter what those around you throw your way. No matter how much they mistreat you or abuse you or try to break you down, keep a little rock of hope deep inside of you where they can't touch it. Let it glow and grow until it becomes stronger than all of them and you can break free. Protect it with everything you have. YOu deserve this.
There is a better life out there for you. It won't be easy, but it is absolutely possible.
The number one requirement for this new and better life is no more alcohol or drugs. It is as simple as that. That is the first step.
You then have a lot of work to do to heal your emotional trauma and repair or rid yourself of toxic relationships that surround you. It sounds to me that you have a lot of cleaning out to do in your life.
I learned here on SR that the most important part of recovery is having a plan. You need to put together a solid list of things you will do to get better. AA is probably a great place to start. You can also start researching what free mental health services are available in your area. There should be some sort of community services board you can contact and ask what kind of help you can receive.
I know what it feels like to be at the bottom on the hole and think "how in the world will I ever get out of here" It all seems so overwhelming. But if you don't start, you'll never get out. One day at a time, one step at a time, you will improve your life.
The other day I read something fantastic that one of our fellow members, LadyinBC wrote, it really hit me. Her point is that we need to put as much effort into recovering as we put into alcohol and drug abuse.
"When I quit drinking I had to turn my thinking around. One thing I started asking myself when doing things that made me feel uncomfortable was "would I have gone to these meetings if I HAD to go in order to get drunk". And the answer was yes, I wouldn't have cared what they talked about in these meetings if I would have had to go to them to get my booze."
I hope she doesn't mind me quoting her, this is the second time in a week I have done so, but I just found it to be so powerful and obvious! The only way to get better is to reverse all the energy we were putting to go in a negative direction and turn it around to go in a positive direction. It won't be fast, it won't be easy, but it can be done.
Like I said, first things first is cutting out the drugs and alcohol. You are responsible for your new, happy life. You were abused and mistreated and not given the love and support you should have received. But you can't change that. It is time to love yourself and take care of yourself. No matter what those around you throw your way. No matter how much they mistreat you or abuse you or try to break you down, keep a little rock of hope deep inside of you where they can't touch it. Let it glow and grow until it becomes stronger than all of them and you can break free. Protect it with everything you have. YOu deserve this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Wow.... The weight of your story is intense and moves me to tears.
You are an incredibly strong person to be surviving all of that, and the power in your story and in your heart will be an immense help to others.
Already, you have helped me stay sober today by sharing your truth with me.
As bleak as it feels... You are still alive and you can take action to improve the experience of your life. You don't have to keep on spinning ever downward. If there is any way you can get yourself into treatment, I hope you will consider it. An inpatient, supervised, safe reset to detox and gain strength physically, emotionally and spiritually would be a great start for you. At the very least.... I hope you will find AA and get some strength and support from others near you who can help.
One thing really stood out for me that you said; " I loved nature and reading, science and writing, art and music and animals"
Having things you love in your life is a healing force. Bring yourself back to nature. Write!!!! Create!!! Listen to music..... Go volunteer at an animal shelter.... Surround yourself with things you love, get support for quitting drinking and get on with sobriety with all you've got!! It will help immensely.
Welcome, and thank you for helping me today.
You are an incredibly strong person to be surviving all of that, and the power in your story and in your heart will be an immense help to others.
Already, you have helped me stay sober today by sharing your truth with me.
As bleak as it feels... You are still alive and you can take action to improve the experience of your life. You don't have to keep on spinning ever downward. If there is any way you can get yourself into treatment, I hope you will consider it. An inpatient, supervised, safe reset to detox and gain strength physically, emotionally and spiritually would be a great start for you. At the very least.... I hope you will find AA and get some strength and support from others near you who can help.
One thing really stood out for me that you said; " I loved nature and reading, science and writing, art and music and animals"
Having things you love in your life is a healing force. Bring yourself back to nature. Write!!!! Create!!! Listen to music..... Go volunteer at an animal shelter.... Surround yourself with things you love, get support for quitting drinking and get on with sobriety with all you've got!! It will help immensely.
Welcome, and thank you for helping me today.
You've been thru so much. 
I hope the support here can help you stop drinking for good. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
Welcome Star. You will find so much support here. You have been through so much in life. I know your resources are limited, but do you have any health insurance or can you get on public health insurance. You sound like you could use some intense treatment and support for your drinking and mood disorders and for support in setting up a life with healthier relationships and choices. If you cannot do that, you need people in your real life to help you, I think. Maybe meetings?
And post away here. There is almost always someone here to listen and offer support.
Your story is heartbreaking.
And post away here. There is almost always someone here to listen and offer support.
Your story is heartbreaking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: California
Posts: 18
Thank you everyone. I guess I've spent so much time hiding from my past and trying to be "normal" - I forgot what it's like to open up and share the truth.
This online forum is helpful because 1- It's always here. 2- It's not judgmental. The people here understand fully what it's like to hit rock bottom and it's really amazing knowing there are people who get it.
I was feeling hopeful yesterday about starting this long process of recovery - but today I get another bomb dropped.
I live with my Boyfriend who is so completely clueless. It is a huge trigger for me because he is delusional about my illness. He knows the extent of it fully - yet he has enabled me for a year and a half.
He said I have "PLENTY of time to get better and stop being an alcoholic in time for Thanksgiving to entertain and cook for his family that I've never met - for a WEEK - who will be sleeping in our tiny 1bd/1bath apartment (and he booked their ticket without consulting me). "
But that it's "no pressure" and I'm "over reacting".
I can't even get out of bed most days.
I almost went to the ER again yesterday throwing up all day shaking. We fight constantly.
And he says I'm fine and I'm getting better! I have a few weeks to get ready!
It's so hard having not only no support - but someone who belittles your disease and ignores it.
This online forum is helpful because 1- It's always here. 2- It's not judgmental. The people here understand fully what it's like to hit rock bottom and it's really amazing knowing there are people who get it.
I was feeling hopeful yesterday about starting this long process of recovery - but today I get another bomb dropped.
I live with my Boyfriend who is so completely clueless. It is a huge trigger for me because he is delusional about my illness. He knows the extent of it fully - yet he has enabled me for a year and a half.
He said I have "PLENTY of time to get better and stop being an alcoholic in time for Thanksgiving to entertain and cook for his family that I've never met - for a WEEK - who will be sleeping in our tiny 1bd/1bath apartment (and he booked their ticket without consulting me). "
But that it's "no pressure" and I'm "over reacting".
I can't even get out of bed most days.
I almost went to the ER again yesterday throwing up all day shaking. We fight constantly.
And he says I'm fine and I'm getting better! I have a few weeks to get ready!
It's so hard having not only no support - but someone who belittles your disease and ignores it.
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