About a year ago, almost to the day, I lost my life due to my alcohol use. I was arrested on two different occasions... Once for a DUI, and two months later for an assault charge. I lost my job as a substance use and addictions counsellor for youth and was forced to leave my house with my daughter, as I could not afford to pay the rent. Since then, I have been to treatment, started working again, while slowly making my way back into the field of addictions. I have my car back on the road. I just got back from a trip to Mexico. I finally feel my relationships with those close to me, going back to normal. I have quit smoking (with A LOT of cheating lol). I have 10 months of sobriety under my belt and am still feeling very STRONG in my recovery. I have kept my 'alcoholic voice' at bay and have been able to remain mindful of the fact that I cannot drink.
With ALL of this said, I feel like my emotions are more sporadic than ever. I due blame this mainly on the quitting smoking thing-- I quit for a month, start for a week, and then quit again etc... I know this is just making it more difficult on myself-- and probably is making me a tad moody.... but I find myself going from completely optimistic one minute to absolutely HATING my life the next. I know I have no reason to hate my life. I am not depressed by any means, just extremely impatient... I seem to have no patience left. The smallest thing can happen, and I consider suicide. It's short lived, of course... but in the last few months -- I feel a rage that I never have in my life. This time does correspond with the time I have spent quitting smoking... I guess I just keep losing sight of who I am aiming to be, who I want to be. I don't want to be this crazy person, who spins out of control over nothing... I have a million things going amazingly well for me. I really don't have ANYTHING to complain about... Why is this happening? I don't understand.
"NEVER be bullied into silence. NEVER allow yourself to be made a victim. ACCEPT no one's definition of your life; define yourself."- Harvey Fierstein