Class of October 2014 Part 13
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,521
Hi love.
A bit better. Nearly rolling my car last night scared me badly. I cannot be that upset. I didn't sleep much...kept thinking about what would happen to little V if I died. I need to be way more careful.
I walked/worked for a while...got soaked by the rain. And I was too tired to finish anyway. I will go out very early tomorrow morning and finish. It is very late, and bad of me, and I hope I don't get fired. But this just makes me try harder to get another job. I can't walk in the pouring rain. I just can't.
Dad is the same. We have another doctor (who is way better than his GP) coming to see him this afternoon. We have everyone at the nursing home on board to take better care of him.
I don't want him to suffer any more. This is beyond painful to watch. As you know...
A bit better. Nearly rolling my car last night scared me badly. I cannot be that upset. I didn't sleep much...kept thinking about what would happen to little V if I died. I need to be way more careful.
I walked/worked for a while...got soaked by the rain. And I was too tired to finish anyway. I will go out very early tomorrow morning and finish. It is very late, and bad of me, and I hope I don't get fired. But this just makes me try harder to get another job. I can't walk in the pouring rain. I just can't.
Dad is the same. We have another doctor (who is way better than his GP) coming to see him this afternoon. We have everyone at the nursing home on board to take better care of him.
I don't want him to suffer any more. This is beyond painful to watch. As you know...
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
You have so much on your plate right now. I know it's hard even to keep it all straight. I'm glad your dad has a team of support so he receives good care and the responsibility doesn't fall only on you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,521
Originally Posted by Briar 
And I say the following with a laugh because I know how ridiculous it is: it pisses me off that other people who aren't alcoholics can just go on being as blissfully miserable as they please while I have to let go of all my anger and resentment. How am I supposed to be the rude, cynical, sarcastic, funny person I've been perfecting all these years? 
And if I really must undo all that, another month isn't nearly enough time.
But really, sometimes in AA it feels like I have to aspire to be a f-ing saint to get better, but then I won't have the satisfaction of judging things like that dumbass party. Right? Like apparently I won't even be entitled to say dumbass anymore except in reference to myself. I can't even bestow that title upon the guy who got that kickass cat tattoo. That sucks. Oh wait, crap, I can't say something sucks either.
Oh well, all I feel like I can do today is see the humor in it. That will have to do.
And if I really must undo all that, another month isn't nearly enough time. But really, sometimes in AA it feels like I have to aspire to be a f-ing saint to get better, but then I won't have the satisfaction of judging things like that dumbass party. Right? Like apparently I won't even be entitled to say dumbass anymore except in reference to myself. I can't even bestow that title upon the guy who got that kickass cat tattoo. That sucks. Oh wait, crap, I can't say something sucks either.
Oh well, all I feel like I can do today is see the humor in it. That will have to do.
You absolutely can still say that things suck, including the dumbass party. Not sure which AA members have you thinking you need to become a saint...hmm.
Also, letting go of anger and resentments is fantastic!!!! It really is. It is how I live my life every day now...but that doesn't mean I can't have new resentments. I can. I do. I just have awesome tools now to help me let them go and move on.
I need to go back to meetings. I want a 6-month chip.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,521
Originally Posted by Briar
You have so much on your plate right now. I know it's hard even to keep it all straight. I'm glad your dad has a team of support so he receives good care and the responsibility doesn't fall only on you.
My full plate is my own fault pretty much. It's what happens if you keep drinking for years and years like I did and almost lose everything.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,697
Good morning, gang!
Just to throw this out there...I haven't said anything but this forum is FOR support so... I've been having drinking dreams for the last week where I spend most of the dream thinking about should I or should I not have one with company and then ultimately do. I go through the whole emotional roller coaster of excitement, anticipation, and then shame/regret, even woke up crying once. Its really staying with me through the day, hard to shake off. So alcohol is back on my brain lately and it's putting me in a funk. How do I stop it?! I guess just keep on doing what I need to do everyday... Another session on the calendar tomorrow so I'll let yall know what my counselor recommends...any suggestions would be appreciated because it makes me feel like it's inevitabley going to happen...although I know the choice is ultimately mine and within my total control. Bleh. Thanks for the vent space. Time for some coffee. This may be the time to indulge in some of the Peanutbutter cookie coffee that cowboy got for me...and time to make a gratitude list including all of the positive changes that have manifested since giving up booze...
So much love to you all
Just to throw this out there...I haven't said anything but this forum is FOR support so... I've been having drinking dreams for the last week where I spend most of the dream thinking about should I or should I not have one with company and then ultimately do. I go through the whole emotional roller coaster of excitement, anticipation, and then shame/regret, even woke up crying once. Its really staying with me through the day, hard to shake off. So alcohol is back on my brain lately and it's putting me in a funk. How do I stop it?! I guess just keep on doing what I need to do everyday... Another session on the calendar tomorrow so I'll let yall know what my counselor recommends...any suggestions would be appreciated because it makes me feel like it's inevitabley going to happen...although I know the choice is ultimately mine and within my total control. Bleh. Thanks for the vent space. Time for some coffee. This may be the time to indulge in some of the Peanutbutter cookie coffee that cowboy got for me...and time to make a gratitude list including all of the positive changes that have manifested since giving up booze...
So much love to you all
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi conquest
I never put much meaning to my drinking dreams. I did a lot of drinking andf there was a lot of source material to choose from.
but...if your dreams are bothering you and making you uneasy maybe it's a good time to remind yourself that ultimately you are in control?.
No power on earth, including your addiction, can make you drink if you decide not to.
Do use whatever support you have and need...but I have faith you'll come through this just fine
D
I never put much meaning to my drinking dreams. I did a lot of drinking andf there was a lot of source material to choose from.
but...if your dreams are bothering you and making you uneasy maybe it's a good time to remind yourself that ultimately you are in control?.
No power on earth, including your addiction, can make you drink if you decide not to.
Do use whatever support you have and need...but I have faith you'll come through this just fine
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
Briar, I agree with V, you can still be cranky and sarcastic and funny and sober!!! Good lord, the most long term sober guy I know, in real life, is about as cranky and funny as they come. He has about 20 years, at least!
You can still be the essential you sober, just not the drunk you.
The drunk version of us clouds the real person, but we are there, under it all.
You can still be the essential you sober, just not the drunk you.
The drunk version of us clouds the real person, but we are there, under it all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6,831
Good morning gang,
Conquest, I keep up with a few members here that are a year or so ahead of us. It seems that we'll likely cycle through times like you're dealing with for some time. What I've noticed that successful members here do is back to basics really. They proactively post and adopt some of the strategies that helped them early on. Fortunately I've noticed that the temper tantrum of the av seems to not last too long for them and I think we're all getting there. You're awareness of what's happening and getting it 'out there' is good. You're seeing it for what it is and squashing it rather than listening to the siren song of 'maybe just drinking if, when, only.....'
I quite relate to feelings/emotions of morning melancholy sometimes coloring my day as a whole. The main tool I have against that is exercise. For some it may be a devotional time, a second cup of coffee and a little extra quiet time etc..
The effort does get a little tiresome at times for me, but I think one day we'll realize that we're not having to work so hard anymore. One thing I saw Dee say to someone is that if we don't work towards building a fulfilling, engaging sober life then the AV will come calling all the more. You certainly seem to be moving forward in that respect. For me that's yet to fall into place but I'm working on it.
Wishing you and all the gang the best day.
Conquest, I keep up with a few members here that are a year or so ahead of us. It seems that we'll likely cycle through times like you're dealing with for some time. What I've noticed that successful members here do is back to basics really. They proactively post and adopt some of the strategies that helped them early on. Fortunately I've noticed that the temper tantrum of the av seems to not last too long for them and I think we're all getting there. You're awareness of what's happening and getting it 'out there' is good. You're seeing it for what it is and squashing it rather than listening to the siren song of 'maybe just drinking if, when, only.....'
I quite relate to feelings/emotions of morning melancholy sometimes coloring my day as a whole. The main tool I have against that is exercise. For some it may be a devotional time, a second cup of coffee and a little extra quiet time etc..
The effort does get a little tiresome at times for me, but I think one day we'll realize that we're not having to work so hard anymore. One thing I saw Dee say to someone is that if we don't work towards building a fulfilling, engaging sober life then the AV will come calling all the more. You certainly seem to be moving forward in that respect. For me that's yet to fall into place but I'm working on it.
Wishing you and all the gang the best day.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 3,805
Well said FAD...Conquest-one thing I've learned that I'm sure your very well aware of is that no thought or feeling lasts forever.
"Nothing lasts forever."
That goes a long way in life never mind sobriety knowing that. Like FAD says just use some of the earlier strategies to get you through for the time being. Maybe engage in something different this week? Change up the routine I mean. That or something like that always seems to help. Best of luck to you.
"Nothing lasts forever."
That goes a long way in life never mind sobriety knowing that. Like FAD says just use some of the earlier strategies to get you through for the time being. Maybe engage in something different this week? Change up the routine I mean. That or something like that always seems to help. Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6,831
Hi gang.
Yesterday I was out back placing some annuals. I was enjoying the sound of the quickly maturing baby bluebirds chirping loudly from the birdhouse each time mom or dad popped in the birdhouse to feed them. I began to hear a cat meowing. No one around here has a cat so I went to investigate and saw the cat leap up and knock the birdhouse off the fence sending baby birds everywhere and injuring the daddy bird's wing. Talk about a ruckus! I ran the cat off and gathered babies while the mom scolded me fiercely. I placed the birds back home but they kept jumping back out. It got too dark for me to find them. This middle aged guy has been bummed out about baby birds all day!
After work I generally putter in the back yard to wind down from the office. I heard the familiar sound of the little birds and discovered that they had been gathered up in a little meadow just beyond my back yard. I've just come in from watching as they were still being fed over and over. I love it. You can't see the birds in that deep grass, but here is the meadow. I don't know what any of this has to do with sobriety, I'm just happy about the resilience of good things and to be sober tonight.
Yesterday I was out back placing some annuals. I was enjoying the sound of the quickly maturing baby bluebirds chirping loudly from the birdhouse each time mom or dad popped in the birdhouse to feed them. I began to hear a cat meowing. No one around here has a cat so I went to investigate and saw the cat leap up and knock the birdhouse off the fence sending baby birds everywhere and injuring the daddy bird's wing. Talk about a ruckus! I ran the cat off and gathered babies while the mom scolded me fiercely. I placed the birds back home but they kept jumping back out. It got too dark for me to find them. This middle aged guy has been bummed out about baby birds all day!
After work I generally putter in the back yard to wind down from the office. I heard the familiar sound of the little birds and discovered that they had been gathered up in a little meadow just beyond my back yard. I've just come in from watching as they were still being fed over and over. I love it. You can't see the birds in that deep grass, but here is the meadow. I don't know what any of this has to do with sobriety, I'm just happy about the resilience of good things and to be sober tonight.
Last edited by Mark1014; 04-29-2015 at 10:29 AM.
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Thanks guys, I’m glad you all agree that I can still be the same A-hole sober. That’s important to me!
Hey I got a side job today! Just a little extra money. A lady I know asked me to edit a bunch of her government grant reports, and she’ll pay me $24 an hour. It’s going to take a few hours of work, so I’ll bring in a little grocery money. Aw hell, who am I kidding, shoe money! The material has to do with the area of law I specialize in, so it’s of personal interest to me and will help me feel a little more connected to the core of my work – the part about which I’m quite passionate.
Conquest I’ve had drinking dreams too, and I agree with Dee. It’s not a premonition, just our brains rehashing patterns and events that are very familiar.
This song came on the radio today and reminded me of this hilarious rendition. Good for a laugh if you like clever stupid stuff like I do:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8PAuvxCZuM
FAD I appreciate you reminding me to appreciate the beauty around me. Your roses are gorgeous. I snapped this picture on my drive home from aftercare last night (yep, I’m that jerk taking pictures with her phone while she’s tailgating you, sorry!):
Thank you because I take for granted some of the simple luxuries like living in a beautiful place.
I’m feeling much better this week, I was majorly depressed for a couple weeks there. I got a comment today that I guess I’ll take as a compliment, which was “wow, you look a lot better when you brush your hair.” Uh…thanks? I guess? He meant well.
I hope you all are doing well.
Hey I got a side job today! Just a little extra money. A lady I know asked me to edit a bunch of her government grant reports, and she’ll pay me $24 an hour. It’s going to take a few hours of work, so I’ll bring in a little grocery money. Aw hell, who am I kidding, shoe money! The material has to do with the area of law I specialize in, so it’s of personal interest to me and will help me feel a little more connected to the core of my work – the part about which I’m quite passionate.
Conquest I’ve had drinking dreams too, and I agree with Dee. It’s not a premonition, just our brains rehashing patterns and events that are very familiar.
This song came on the radio today and reminded me of this hilarious rendition. Good for a laugh if you like clever stupid stuff like I do:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8PAuvxCZuM
FAD I appreciate you reminding me to appreciate the beauty around me. Your roses are gorgeous. I snapped this picture on my drive home from aftercare last night (yep, I’m that jerk taking pictures with her phone while she’s tailgating you, sorry!):
Thank you because I take for granted some of the simple luxuries like living in a beautiful place.
I’m feeling much better this week, I was majorly depressed for a couple weeks there. I got a comment today that I guess I’ll take as a compliment, which was “wow, you look a lot better when you brush your hair.” Uh…thanks? I guess? He meant well.
I hope you all are doing well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,697
FAD, I can't thank you enough for the excellent advice, support, and awesome bird story! What a great friend to have on my side.
And Arbor, You hit the nail on the head...back to basics. That's what I'm doing tonight. It's basketball playoff craziness around here and I decided to head home from a friend's at half time. That was about all I could stand. Lol
Feels good to be home and sober, gang! Let's keep at it. I definitely will.
And Arbor, You hit the nail on the head...back to basics. That's what I'm doing tonight. It's basketball playoff craziness around here and I decided to head home from a friend's at half time. That was about all I could stand. Lol
Feels good to be home and sober, gang! Let's keep at it. I definitely will.
pretty much Briar
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