One Year & Under Club Part 35
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Gilmer, I noticed you used the word a "sociopath" in reference to yourself. I hope that was a typo because you, to me, are a wonderful caring person. I, too, have a bit of a persona on these threads. I think we all do because that's the way our personality shows itself in the written words. I tend to write just how I talk but still I'm not sure if I come over the way I perceive myself. I think I come out sort of "tougher" than I really am. I don't like to be perceived as fragile emotionally, yet that is how I really am. So I hide it from people as much as possible.
I, too, feel that I'm inadequate. That my life is somehow lacking in something. That what I am is not right somehow or not good enough. My nose is always poked in a book. I am very much an introvert... I try very hard in social situations but it is taxing for me. That's where the alcohol and drugs came in for me. I discovered beer at age 15 and with it my personality. Or so it seemed.
SparkyMac, yours was a wonderful post about this and much appreciated by me.
Courage I did not know you were a psychologist. But that doesn't surprise me. Your writing is very articulate and also much appreciated by me.
Toots, great to hear from you again. You've got to be the kindest person on earth!
Drake, I would love to cook with you. Basil jelly and pickled okra? Yum! (Oh, this appetite)
Have a good day everyone. I'm off to buy some bigger riding pants since I can't breathe anymore in my old ones.
I, too, feel that I'm inadequate. That my life is somehow lacking in something. That what I am is not right somehow or not good enough. My nose is always poked in a book. I am very much an introvert... I try very hard in social situations but it is taxing for me. That's where the alcohol and drugs came in for me. I discovered beer at age 15 and with it my personality. Or so it seemed.
SparkyMac, yours was a wonderful post about this and much appreciated by me.
Courage I did not know you were a psychologist. But that doesn't surprise me. Your writing is very articulate and also much appreciated by me.
Toots, great to hear from you again. You've got to be the kindest person on earth!
Drake, I would love to cook with you. Basil jelly and pickled okra? Yum! (Oh, this appetite)
Have a good day everyone. I'm off to buy some bigger riding pants since I can't breathe anymore in my old ones.
Working-cl*** pseudo tough
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 485
Oh, and EW, I forgot to post yesterday that a lot of men (myself included) prefer ladies who are more buxom.
Buy yourself some new clothes that make you feel sexy, and make your DHs eyes bug out of his head. Then go out with the girlfriends.
Sometimes married men tend to take things for granted - good for us to be occasionally reminded we shouldn't.
Buy yourself some new clothes that make you feel sexy, and make your DHs eyes bug out of his head. Then go out with the girlfriends.
Sometimes married men tend to take things for granted - good for us to be occasionally reminded we shouldn't.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,960
Originally Posted by DG0409 
I'm working on accepting my body how it is and letting go of my thoughts of how it should be.
Else - I just don't know what to say about folks who'd give you a hard time over gaining 10 measly pounds. That's not a lot of weight! I walked into the pool club this summer being 30 pounds up from where I was last summer. It's a lot of weight on my tiny frame, especially since I was on the upper end of my weight before I gained this winter. Giving the peyton place moms fodder for discussion was hard. I've been stressing over it all summer, actually, and it culminated with me feeling depressed over my size as I was preparing to pack for vacation earlier this week because I am not able to fit into some of the outfits that I wore last year on vacation. What snapped me out of it was realizing how far I've come since last summer. In active addiction, my life had gotten so small that all I cared about was drinking. In sobriety, I may be overweight, but I am more active and healthy than I was a year ago, am doing more fun things, and enjoying them.
Gilmer - You have so much insight into your moods, behavior and personality. You are making it through this transition in your meds with dignity. As a member of your peer group on SR, I would counsel you that people are complicated, that normal is boring, and that I love you just the way you are.
Drake - It's such a good point that it's the blues that make us addicts. I always thought I had life all figured out. I never realized what a passive, lazy recipient of life I was in addiction. As I move along my sober path, I'm learning how to engage in life, face the difficult stuff, open up my heart, let go and move forward. On this journey, I've noticed that just when I begin to feel blocked, something always manages to loosen up and send me back on a path again. I wonder if it's a higher power? I still haven't worked out what that is. We've touched on boredom on this thread, and I think depression and boredom and feeling blocked are deeply entwined. My path hasn't been linear. It's all over the place, like an anthill. Hopefully, like an anthill, a power greater than I is designing it to be effective.
Whatever "effective" looks like for me, personally, Sparky!!
My husband and I have been through a lot together, and equally support our home, finances, and children, but I have been holding some deep resentments towards him that are preventing me from living joyous, happy and free. I know he'd be happy to sweep the issues under the rug and ignore them, but that just led me to drink. I need to work through those resentments, understand my role in them, and let them go before I can assess where we are, where I want to be or whether I want to be with him. This is so, so heavy, but I feel like I can do this.
PS - And as for real vs online personalities, IRL I'm silly and spontaneous. I don't think that comes across in my writing.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
You all are such a great group. BF, what does the doctor say about these headaches? They sound chronic enough that I would definitely ask his opinion.
Well, so much for my behavior! I took my dad to the doctor and ended up having a very ugly public explosion that involved an innocent, hard-working staff and a whole waiting room full of people.
Let's just say that I sat there waiting and waiting and making myself calm, but getting more and more tense. I felt like the proverbial stretched rubber band, almost literally physically. My dad had a good appointment, but he was scheduled for bloodwork, and they kept him out in the waiting room for a half hour after he'd already been fasting for 12 hours.
I went back to the lab to see his position in the queue. The nurse was checking, too, and the phlebotomist was obviously up to her neck and quite stressed. She said there was a patient before him, so I went back in the waiting room and told my dad.
I was getting more and more stressed, too, but I kept talking myself down. I knew it was the Effexor. Another fifteen minutes went by. My dad told me to ask the women at the desk. I said I had already asked, and they were really stressed. In five minutes he pestered me again, and I snapped.
I yelled, "All right, Dad, all ******* right!" Then I went up to the sweet receptionist and went off on her and demanded that he be seen ******* next. Another lady jumped indignantly to the receptionist's defense. I told her to shut the **** up, because I was withdrawing from ******* medicine!"
Then i ran out of the dead silent room. My dad followed me and I told him to get back in there! I hollered at him to get back in there before they called his name! He said he was sorry, and I told him to just get back in there.
Then I went to the lobby and just put my head in my hands. I didn't know whether to cry or throw up. I came very close to sobbing, but I can't quite do that yet. i sat for about ten minutes, then went back up.
I looked at myself in the mirrored elevator. I think i must have looked like a meth addict! My hair looks like it was in a light socket, and I have really dark circles under my eyes.
I went in with as much composure as i could muster, looked at the receptionist, and apologized simply from the bottom of my heart. She was very gracious, and said that my dad was being seen at that moment. I apologized to the indignant lady, too, but she wasn't having it. Then i apologized to the waiting room. Then I left and buried my head in my hands again.
After five minutes I went back to the office and saw the phlebotomist sitting with my dad, his jacket, and my purse. i went back in and she was so pleasant.
Another lady and her son said in a kind tone, "Be sure to get your purse! You left it in there." It was really embarrassing.
My dad apologized for getting on my nerves. i said that's OK, Dad.
I couldn't bear to have him trying to talk on the way home, so I listened to my classic rock station, even though noise was the last thing I wanted to hear. God smiled on me and gave me a rare treat. The radio played my favorite Stones song (they usually only play the mid 70s stuff).
My dad made me hug him and tried to chase me and buy me lunch, but I excused myself and went up to my room. i told him it wasn't just him, it was really the medicine, too.
I didn't know how to even begin when I started this post, but writing it out de-fused it and now I feel somewhat normal again.
Who am I kidding? No, i don't.
Now I've got to go off and do the church bulletins that are a total non sequitur to my life--then do two loads of laundry that I'd forgotten about.
Well, so much for my behavior! I took my dad to the doctor and ended up having a very ugly public explosion that involved an innocent, hard-working staff and a whole waiting room full of people.
Let's just say that I sat there waiting and waiting and making myself calm, but getting more and more tense. I felt like the proverbial stretched rubber band, almost literally physically. My dad had a good appointment, but he was scheduled for bloodwork, and they kept him out in the waiting room for a half hour after he'd already been fasting for 12 hours.
I went back to the lab to see his position in the queue. The nurse was checking, too, and the phlebotomist was obviously up to her neck and quite stressed. She said there was a patient before him, so I went back in the waiting room and told my dad.
I was getting more and more stressed, too, but I kept talking myself down. I knew it was the Effexor. Another fifteen minutes went by. My dad told me to ask the women at the desk. I said I had already asked, and they were really stressed. In five minutes he pestered me again, and I snapped.
I yelled, "All right, Dad, all ******* right!" Then I went up to the sweet receptionist and went off on her and demanded that he be seen ******* next. Another lady jumped indignantly to the receptionist's defense. I told her to shut the **** up, because I was withdrawing from ******* medicine!"
Then i ran out of the dead silent room. My dad followed me and I told him to get back in there! I hollered at him to get back in there before they called his name! He said he was sorry, and I told him to just get back in there.
Then I went to the lobby and just put my head in my hands. I didn't know whether to cry or throw up. I came very close to sobbing, but I can't quite do that yet. i sat for about ten minutes, then went back up.
I looked at myself in the mirrored elevator. I think i must have looked like a meth addict! My hair looks like it was in a light socket, and I have really dark circles under my eyes.
I went in with as much composure as i could muster, looked at the receptionist, and apologized simply from the bottom of my heart. She was very gracious, and said that my dad was being seen at that moment. I apologized to the indignant lady, too, but she wasn't having it. Then i apologized to the waiting room. Then I left and buried my head in my hands again.
After five minutes I went back to the office and saw the phlebotomist sitting with my dad, his jacket, and my purse. i went back in and she was so pleasant.
Another lady and her son said in a kind tone, "Be sure to get your purse! You left it in there." It was really embarrassing.
My dad apologized for getting on my nerves. i said that's OK, Dad.
I couldn't bear to have him trying to talk on the way home, so I listened to my classic rock station, even though noise was the last thing I wanted to hear. God smiled on me and gave me a rare treat. The radio played my favorite Stones song (they usually only play the mid 70s stuff).
My dad made me hug him and tried to chase me and buy me lunch, but I excused myself and went up to my room. i told him it wasn't just him, it was really the medicine, too.
I didn't know how to even begin when I started this post, but writing it out de-fused it and now I feel somewhat normal again.
Who am I kidding? No, i don't.
Now I've got to go off and do the church bulletins that are a total non sequitur to my life--then do two loads of laundry that I'd forgotten about.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,093
I'm sorry, Gilmer. You made your apologies and now you have to do the work -- whatever you do, prayer perhaps -- to forgive yourself. It's the Effexor no doubt -- you've been on the edge for a bit doing this medication switch, and in the big scheme, it could have been a lot worse. But I know if it were me, I'd still be shaking. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,960
(((Gilmer))))
I'm impressed that you're getting out and about and fulfilling your responsibilities while going through this withdrawal. The torrent of emotion sounds overwhelming.
Forgive yourself like you would forgive any of us, and like you know God would forgive you.
((((Gilmer)))))
I'm impressed that you're getting out and about and fulfilling your responsibilities while going through this withdrawal. The torrent of emotion sounds overwhelming.
Forgive yourself like you would forgive any of us, and like you know God would forgive you.
((((Gilmer)))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Gilmer, forgive me if I'm being intrusive and, of course, you don't have to answer. Is there some reason you absolutely have to come off Effexor? Maybe you still need it. Sometimes a person needs an anti depressant. I know at this point I sure do. Maybe I missed something from an earlier post. I'm pretty sure I did.
Working-cl*** pseudo tough
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 485
Wow, G. Quite the day.
I so always feel like sh!t when I go off on someone who doesn't deserve it, because it's really their problem, not mine. I also hate being pestered into doing something for someone else....
"Dad, if you really want to go f*****g check since five minutes ago, then go f*****g check yourself. Otherwise, shut up and sit there"
Unfortunately, your anger at your Dad ended up getting unleashed on the staff.
But I do see some bright points in today's events:
- You apologised for your behaviour to everyone involved, regardless of if the apologies were accepted. Your job to apologise, which you did. Their job to forgive, which you can't control and shouldn't worry about.
- You snapped, but now you likely know exactly how you're going to feel before you snap. Hold on to the feeling, and make sure that when you feel it coming on again, you remove yourself from the situation. Or wear an elastic band on your wrist. When you feel it coming on, snap the band against the inside of your wrist as hard as you can. This distracts the brain from the emotional elevation (fight or flight) that is occurring - you're stopping the train before it goes runaway.
- You know the change from Effexor to the Wellbutrin is not going swimmingly. This may be worth an ASAP call or visit to your Dr. You know my opinion on the SNRIs, but as you haven't been drinking for some time, I am guessing that the Effexor may have been a better match for your brain's chemistry, and is something that is beneficial to you right now.
Sorry to hear about your day G, but just remember:
a) One week from now, no one will remember today's events except for you
b) You got a great group of Internet friends here on SR to chat with
c) You have to take some time for you today. Read a book and enjoy a cup of tea. Go for a nice walk. Watch Sharknado 2. Whatever, as long as what you do is for you. When all we do is take care of others, and ignore our own needs and warning signs, we usually end up snapping. Time for Gilmer to take a Gilmer break.
I so always feel like sh!t when I go off on someone who doesn't deserve it, because it's really their problem, not mine. I also hate being pestered into doing something for someone else....
"Dad, if you really want to go f*****g check since five minutes ago, then go f*****g check yourself. Otherwise, shut up and sit there"
Unfortunately, your anger at your Dad ended up getting unleashed on the staff.
But I do see some bright points in today's events:
- You apologised for your behaviour to everyone involved, regardless of if the apologies were accepted. Your job to apologise, which you did. Their job to forgive, which you can't control and shouldn't worry about.
- You snapped, but now you likely know exactly how you're going to feel before you snap. Hold on to the feeling, and make sure that when you feel it coming on again, you remove yourself from the situation. Or wear an elastic band on your wrist. When you feel it coming on, snap the band against the inside of your wrist as hard as you can. This distracts the brain from the emotional elevation (fight or flight) that is occurring - you're stopping the train before it goes runaway.
- You know the change from Effexor to the Wellbutrin is not going swimmingly. This may be worth an ASAP call or visit to your Dr. You know my opinion on the SNRIs, but as you haven't been drinking for some time, I am guessing that the Effexor may have been a better match for your brain's chemistry, and is something that is beneficial to you right now.
Sorry to hear about your day G, but just remember:
a) One week from now, no one will remember today's events except for you
b) You got a great group of Internet friends here on SR to chat with
c) You have to take some time for you today. Read a book and enjoy a cup of tea. Go for a nice walk. Watch Sharknado 2. Whatever, as long as what you do is for you. When all we do is take care of others, and ignore our own needs and warning signs, we usually end up snapping. Time for Gilmer to take a Gilmer break.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 261
Hi Undies.
Between the two of us, my wife has always been the quiet one. She says that she's that way with me, at times, to keep from adding to my agitation. My continuing withdrawal symptoms occasionally leave me feeling agitated. Ultimately, it's still my choice though, how I respond.
I'm truly not an aggressive person. I usually avoid confrontation, and try to keep from using any words that even seem that way. However, what happened last night, is that I let my insecurity get the best of me. I ended up verbally bouncing this insecurity off the one that I love the most. How very unfair, I was.
At the time, I was feeling particularly inadequate. So, I turned it around by saying that she was treating me like that. It was completely irrational thinking, on my part.
As usual, she calmed me down with her voice. Her words to me were soothing, as well. She says to me, "You are okay. You are where you are supposed to be right now. You are fine".
Saying, I'm sorry, has become second nature to me, lately. I have no problem admitting guilt. I think it's my Catholic upbringing. However, she usually takes a while to accept my apology, rightfully so. She says that she just needs time to process it.
So I'll be making extra efforts to be more kind. I'm sure that I'll be talking to my confessor, as well. I'm also glad that I can share it here.
peace.
Between the two of us, my wife has always been the quiet one. She says that she's that way with me, at times, to keep from adding to my agitation. My continuing withdrawal symptoms occasionally leave me feeling agitated. Ultimately, it's still my choice though, how I respond.
I'm truly not an aggressive person. I usually avoid confrontation, and try to keep from using any words that even seem that way. However, what happened last night, is that I let my insecurity get the best of me. I ended up verbally bouncing this insecurity off the one that I love the most. How very unfair, I was.
At the time, I was feeling particularly inadequate. So, I turned it around by saying that she was treating me like that. It was completely irrational thinking, on my part.
As usual, she calmed me down with her voice. Her words to me were soothing, as well. She says to me, "You are okay. You are where you are supposed to be right now. You are fine".
Saying, I'm sorry, has become second nature to me, lately. I have no problem admitting guilt. I think it's my Catholic upbringing. However, she usually takes a while to accept my apology, rightfully so. She says that she just needs time to process it.
So I'll be making extra efforts to be more kind. I'm sure that I'll be talking to my confessor, as well. I'm also glad that I can share it here.
peace.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Thank you, Sparky. I was thinking of sending the front office staff a bouquet of flowers to say thank you for the kindness extended to my dad and me.
I had been on Effexor for 16 years. I have heard that it's a real bear to get off of, and now I know! There is a particular side effect I want to get rid of. Wellbutrin does not have that side effect.
I will call my doctor Monday if I am still so haywire. I think four days is a little too early to throw in the towel.
One nice thing--a phoenix out of the ashes--I was able to cry my eyes out while I was all alone in my pastor's basement copying bulletins. I felt in my bones that I was loved by God. I have always known it theoretically--but I haven't really felt it since around 2006. I haven't felt much of anything. This is also the first time I've cried since 2006. I cried it out, then sat awhile, then was done!
I think it was a necessary and long-overdue release, not a harbinger of a blithering emotional mess. So far I think I like the Wellbutrin. The jury is still out. I will keep my doctor informed, though. Thanks, Sparky.
I had been on Effexor for 16 years. I have heard that it's a real bear to get off of, and now I know! There is a particular side effect I want to get rid of. Wellbutrin does not have that side effect.
I will call my doctor Monday if I am still so haywire. I think four days is a little too early to throw in the towel.
One nice thing--a phoenix out of the ashes--I was able to cry my eyes out while I was all alone in my pastor's basement copying bulletins. I felt in my bones that I was loved by God. I have always known it theoretically--but I haven't really felt it since around 2006. I haven't felt much of anything. This is also the first time I've cried since 2006. I cried it out, then sat awhile, then was done!
I think it was a necessary and long-overdue release, not a harbinger of a blithering emotional mess. So far I think I like the Wellbutrin. The jury is still out. I will keep my doctor informed, though. Thanks, Sparky.
Working-cl*** pseudo tough
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 485
Originally Posted by Gilmer
There is a particular side effect I want to get rid of. Wellbutrin does not have that side effect.
Have great day Gilmer, and do take some time for you.
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