racingthoughts

The title of this thread says it all.

A friend hit me up about an hour ago asking me if I wanted to smoke a blunt with him. I've told him that I've quit before, but I'm not sure how seriously he ever took me. Anyways, I stared at his text for a while. I didn't immediately say no like I have to offers like this since I quit, but considered his proposition instead. My AV told me that this break has been long enough and that I'm good to go now. Luckily I did end up saying no though.

Idk even why I'm really posting this. I guess I've just been feeling triggered a lot lately. My cousin's fiance came to visit us recently. He earns a six figure salary and smokes weed. He didn't know I've stopped and asked me if I had any weed stashed in the house, only to chuckle when I told him I've quit. Another thing is that whitewater kayaking is my favorite thing to do in life. Only problem is that smoking weed is a large part of the kayaking culture much like it is with skiing/snowboarding. I've been thinking a lot lately about how my decision to quit will impact my ability to connect with my friends that kayak who I haven't seen since my smoking days. These are just two examples of what I've been feeling.

I guess I just always hear people say that relapses are a gradual process, and honestly I'm kind of scared. Idk why my stupid addict brain only seems to remember the good times instead of the bad ones. It's been trying to convince me that I'll be able to handle it responsibly now. Ugh! It's not that I've been craving weed or experiencing a lot of PAWS recently, it's just that I keep wishing in the back of my head that I hadn't stopped at all. I felt so triumphant at the 3 month mark, and now all this crap is boiling up 3 days from my 4 month anniversary. The fact that triggers don't really seem to go away, unlike withdrawal, is kind of depressing me. I'm going to bed now though, still thc free. Just had to get this off my chest I guess. Any strategies you guys have will be met with open arms.

wackybunny

I'm about to go to sleep too so I'll keep it brief. My initial reaction was "Arg! Oh no!" but triggers happen to us all. Well done for keeping your cool. I get it, the easiest times can be the hardest. I had some major triggers too - at 9 months. I got through them with a lot of rational thought and realizing it wasn't going to stop at a weekend - I don't need to "try" moderating again. You can still be cool and you can still kayak. Don't worry.

Dee74

The thing you need to remember about relapses is they don't just happen. We have to give permission for stuff to happen - it may *seem* like we're passively swamped in some kind of ambush, but really we need to give our consent for anything to happen.

sounds to me like you really want to stay clean and sober, and you're willing to do the actions necessary to back that up.

You may have been tempted - but you didn't pull that trigger. To me that's a win RT



D

FatallyUncool

Getting high still crosses my mind from time to time. I've been offered it recently.

For one thing, I have never met or heard of a recovering pothead who was able to start smoking responsibly again without falling into the same exact patterns and misery. Literally not one. I don't think I'm the exception.

I am now at a point where I can enjoy things clean that I never could: Music, camping, hiking, movies, food, road trips, t.v. I do not want to fall back into the old routine, needing a substance to enjoy anything, including things that should already be fun and exciting.

I don't really think that I would even enjoy the immediate buzz today. I hated it at the end of my using, and I have a lot of recovery under my belt that would be a real, well, buzzkill. I would be so disappointed in myself.

The thing I do miss is the social aspect, and the ego. I got off on being the guy who brings the best stuff and shares it with everybody. It was a bonding experience, going on a funky trip that felt exciting and a little dangerous. First of all, it's fake and nobody was that impressed. Second, I did most of my smoking alone in a dark apartment. Third, if I play the tape, things went from cool and rebellious to pathetic and boring over the course of an afternoon. And this doesn't bring in to account all of the lousy stuff I had to worry about: Did I bring enough, what did I do with it, will I get busted and go to jail today, will everything get wet, will I get too tired, am I making others uncomfortable, is it weird that I'm smoking five times as much as everybody, are my eyes red, am I acting weird, how many stupid things will I do today?

I wish wish wish I could get high responsibly today and have a good time. That is simply not possible for me.

racingthoughts

Thanks everyone. I woke up today happy that I stayed strong and still am. I think it's

Fatally, that was exactly what I needed to hear. I can really relate to what you just said. I don't think I'm the exception either. I guess I will always miss some of the good times, but they are long over and don't outweigh the bad ones. 1/3 of a year without weed is on the horizon!

wackybunny

Hahahaha, FatallyU, so funny and SO true! All the time I was on fun adventures in order to stimulate the senses I was really dulling them. Like getting paid 50 cents for every dollar of life.