I give up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I give up
I have depression, PTSD and a dissociative disorder. My Dad died 3 months ago and it hit me badly.
I have tried so hard to get on top of all this.
But tonight I am drinking...and I give up the fight. No matter how strong, determined and resolute I am I cannot beat my mental health issues.
SR has been a huge part of my life and I've made so many friends, but it's been like I've been wrapped in a dark shroud these past few months. I cannot connect with my God. Without Him, I can't find my way.
I have tried so hard to get on top of all this.
But tonight I am drinking...and I give up the fight. No matter how strong, determined and resolute I am I cannot beat my mental health issues.
SR has been a huge part of my life and I've made so many friends, but it's been like I've been wrapped in a dark shroud these past few months. I cannot connect with my God. Without Him, I can't find my way.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm really sorry you made this decision, and I'm sorrier still for what you're going to find out Jeni.
The drinking doesn't help it just makes thing worse.
I lost God for a long time too - turns out He was there all along but I couldn't get out of my own way - fear, anger, self pity...
Get out of your own way Jeni.
Please - find support - whether it be counselling, Dr, AA or whatever... and use it.
D
The drinking doesn't help it just makes thing worse.
I lost God for a long time too - turns out He was there all along but I couldn't get out of my own way - fear, anger, self pity...
Get out of your own way Jeni.
Please - find support - whether it be counselling, Dr, AA or whatever... and use it.
D
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Oh Jeni 
You know we are here for you and we care for you. Please please please put down the drink and if you don't I hope that at least you will not get wrapped up in false pride and will come back here when you realize how bad a decision picking up was
Even better! Don't leave.
You know we are here for you and we care for you. Please please please put down the drink and if you don't I hope that at least you will not get wrapped up in false pride and will come back here when you realize how bad a decision picking up was
Even better! Don't leave.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
PS: you realize that drinking works for a moment but makes mental health issues (especially depression) worst.
I really feel for you because I feel your codependency did you in and I can relate to you on many levels. PM me anytime
I really feel for you because I feel your codependency did you in and I can relate to you on many levels. PM me anytime
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thank you Carlotta. I'm drunk now, and just had what I think is a falling out with my sponsor, and I won't probably make much sense.
Depression has put a huge barrier between me and my spiritual side. It's like lifting up a phone in an emergency to your best friend and hearing nothing...
Thank you Dee and Gilmer. You have both been so kind to me, clearly undeserved. I'm so indebted to you both. I may deactivate my account when I'm sober in the morning. Thank you both for your love and support xxx
Depression has put a huge barrier between me and my spiritual side. It's like lifting up a phone in an emergency to your best friend and hearing nothing...
Thank you Dee and Gilmer. You have both been so kind to me, clearly undeserved. I'm so indebted to you both. I may deactivate my account when I'm sober in the morning. Thank you both for your love and support xxx
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
Jeni, you are most certainly deserving of kindness and empathy. I'm glad you came here to post about what's going on. I hope you will reconsider and not deactivate your account. We're not just here for the good news. I'm so sorry you're hurting. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
I think that it is about 11:30 p.m. your time. Why don't you pour what you are drinking and head off to sleep. Please drink lots of water before you go to bed; maybe, leave a tall glass of ice water bedside to drink during the night.
Come back tomorrow, Jeni. Please don't deactivate your account. Let's talk in the morning.
Come back tomorrow, Jeni. Please don't deactivate your account. Let's talk in the morning.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
It's very hard to be spiritual when you've been drinking - it muddies the airwaves something fierce. I think bed is a good idea 
I just sent you a PM but I thought of a more concise answer: to connect with God, let go - no ifs ands buts or what ifs -
just let go,
cede control...
fall away...
He'll catch you
D
I just sent you a PM but I thought of a more concise answer: to connect with God, let go - no ifs ands buts or what ifs -
just let go,
cede control...
fall away...
He'll catch you
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
You know I'm a complete sham. I'm nameless and anonymous here, and on my Facebook account I've a made up name. That's not who I am. It's nothing to do with my real life. There are lots of real genuine people in my real life I should be connecting with. I'm ashamed of being an alcoholic. I want to join their world and be a normie.
My sponsor has given up with mr and gone to bed. I can't get hold of my sponsee who I love dearly. I've really ****** this up.
My sponsor has given up with mr and gone to bed. I can't get hold of my sponsee who I love dearly. I've really ****** this up.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Just because she's gone to bed doesn't mean she's given up on you.
She probably knows you'll connect better in the morning Jeni
You're not a normie - but that's ok - you don't have to be to join the real world
You're going to wind yourself up here.
why not go drink some water, lie down, get some rest instead?
D
She probably knows you'll connect better in the morning Jeni
You're not a normie - but that's ok - you don't have to be to join the real world
You're going to wind yourself up here.
why not go drink some water, lie down, get some rest instead?
D
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
You know I'm a complete sham. I'm nameless and anonymous here, and on my Facebook account I've a made up name. That's not who I am.
The thing we both are is alcoholic and codie. We might be able to pass amongst normies but we will never be normies.
Get some rest and don't worry about your sponsor and sponsee. They probably did not give up on you but at 11:30 pm on a Monday night they are probably sleeping.
Tomorrow is a new day and I really hope you'll reconsider de activating your account.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Well Jeni,
I thought you might get through this.
Sorry.
I didn't want to get involved in a discussion about drinking.
We can't become cucumbers.
We are pickles.
Lovely pickles.
I think you should just go to bed.
You have been around AA enough to know your sponsor is not going to have a conversation all night with you while you are drinking.
It happens.
You can go out for the night or a week, or 10 years.
It happens.
But, you will not be a normie.
Think about the kids.
You are not going to be singing Christmas carols tomorrow.
You have a head full of AA and a bellyful of drink.
Yikes.
We are your friends now.
You can be Kim Kebong from North Korea (doubtful) for all we know.
But, to us you are Jeni, the teacher who has 6000 posts full of wisdom and kindness.
See you around the next couple of days.
Your friend, Anne.
Remember the kids.
"Mom doesn't drink" Remember that?
I thought you might get through this.
Sorry.
I didn't want to get involved in a discussion about drinking.
We can't become cucumbers.
We are pickles.
Lovely pickles.
I think you should just go to bed.
You have been around AA enough to know your sponsor is not going to have a conversation all night with you while you are drinking.
It happens.
You can go out for the night or a week, or 10 years.
It happens.
But, you will not be a normie.
Think about the kids.
You are not going to be singing Christmas carols tomorrow.
You have a head full of AA and a bellyful of drink.
Yikes.
We are your friends now.
You can be Kim Kebong from North Korea (doubtful) for all we know.
But, to us you are Jeni, the teacher who has 6000 posts full of wisdom and kindness.
See you around the next couple of days.
Your friend, Anne.
Remember the kids.
"Mom doesn't drink" Remember that?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 46
Jeni, what I do is make a vow everyday that no matter what happens, I will not drink today. No matter if it is something I cause or don't cause, if it is something that made me look like a winner or a loser, comfortable or uncomfortable, made me feel angry, happy, confused, disgruntled, it doesn't matter: today I will not drink no matter what. And once that choice is made, then drinking is in its place, and everything else is everything else. I had a hard time dealing with my father's death too --- but it was not because i was an alcoholic (though alcoholism certainly wanted me to think it could help me), it was because I felt depressed for a very real reason, and that is normal; the going to the bottle so as to not feel a very real human emotion is alcoholic. I didn't need to respond that way to any normal situation of life; i might not have the answers that will make me feel okay and on top of all things everyday of my life, but that is okay because that is how I felt when i was drinking, and used as a reason to drink. but i can do this: I can choose not to drink today no matter what; no matter how strong alcoholism thinks it is, I get stronger and stronger through my resistance, and know that everything else is simply everything else.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 46
Jeni, what I do is make a vow everyday that no matter what happens, I will not drink today. No matter if it is something I cause or don't cause, if it is something that made me look like a winner or a loser, comfortable or uncomfortable, made me feel angry, happy, confused, disgruntled, it doesn't matter: today I will not drink no matter what. And once that choice is made, then drinking is in its place, and everything else is everything else. I had a hard time dealing with my father's death too --- but it was not because i was an alcoholic (though alcoholism certainly wanted me to think it could help me), it was because I felt depressed for a very real reason, and that is normal; the going to the bottle so as to not feel a very real human emotion is alcoholic. I didn't need to respond that way to any normal situation of life; i might not have the answers that will make me feel okay and on top of all things everyday of my life, but that is okay because that is how I felt when i was drinking, and used as a reason to drink. but i can do this: I can choose not to drink today no matter what; no matter how strong alcoholism thinks it is, I get stronger and stronger through my resistance, and know that everything else is simply everything else.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 46
Jeni, what I do is make a vow everyday that no matter what happens, I will not drink today. No matter if it is something I cause or don't cause, if it is something that made me look like a winner or a loser, comfortable or uncomfortable, made me feel angry, happy, confused, disgruntled, it doesn't matter: today I will not drink no matter what. And once that choice is made, then drinking is in its place, and everything else is everything else. I had a hard time dealing with my father's death too --- but it was not because i was an alcoholic (though alcoholism certainly wanted me to think it could help me), it was because I felt depressed for a very real reason, and that is normal; the going to the bottle so as to not feel a very real human emotion is alcoholic. I didn't need to respond that way to any normal situation of life; i might not have the answers that will make me feel okay and on top of all things everyday of my life, but that is okay because that is how I felt when i was drinking, and used as a reason to drink. but i can do this: I can choose not to drink today no matter what; no matter how strong alcoholism thinks it is, I get stronger and stronger through my resistance, and know that everything else is simply everything else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I am so worried about my sponsee right now.
My sponsor has gone to bed.. My husband has gone to bed. My kids have gone to bed. I can't get hold of my sponsee. I've pretty much let everyone I care about down...I was so full of drive and resolve. Where did it go?
My sponsor has gone to bed.. My husband has gone to bed. My kids have gone to bed. I can't get hold of my sponsee. I've pretty much let everyone I care about down...I was so full of drive and resolve. Where did it go?
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